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A little sore today, I was able to get the immunizations I needed yesterday, and all but the TB test were free! I ended up getting poked 6 times, since the student nurse doing my TB test couldn’t get the ‘bubble’ the first two tries. The RN ended up having to do it and thankfully she got it on the first try. Unfortunately, I have to take the second round of the measles shot a month from now, so I won’t be able to send in my application to WWTC till that is finished. At least that will give me some more time to take the COMPASS test. I talked to another girl yesterday who’d taken the COMPASS test in the past, and she said she failed the math part 🙁 I am very worried about passing!

Crisis averted…

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Looks like Sneezer is just about back to normal now! Poor little guy didn’t eat on Thursday, but the vet didn’t think that was out of the ordinary considering how sick Sneezerhad been the day before. I tempted him to eat a little Fancy Feast and a bit of ham on Friday, so the vet said he didn’t need to come in as long as he was starting to eat and was keeping everything down. I do love our two vets! I found Sneezer on the counter today trying to steal a Habanero/Pepper Jack cheese chicken sausage that I was going to make soup with O-o That’s all he needs to be eating!! 😛

Other than that, I am thinking about taking a course to become a CNA. After caring for Ginny for the last 9 years, and now finding myself in need of a job-Ginny’s daughter thinks becoming a CNA would be a good idea for me. I’ve got the info about the class and am ticking off things that need to be done before I can even submit my application, the class doesn’t start till August but there are only 12 spots available, so I really want to apply asap. One thing I am really worried about-I found out that I will need to take a COMPASS test. Not sure why, but I will need to do the reading/writing/math portions. I am not worried about anything but math. I hate math. I CAN’T do math. I’ve been looking up practice tests and I don’t think I have a snowballs chance in hell of passing :/ I can’t even do fractions! I know I must have at one time, as I never failed a class, but wherever that knowledge was, it’s gone now! I’m terribly worried that I won’t be able to pass, and won’t be able to apply to this class. *sigh* And I need to do that test NOW, so I can get my application in, those 12 spots could go fast *worries*

Other than that, I need a background check (no problem there!) and I need to get a TB test, and something about measles if I remember correctly. I will have to find out about those things, as I don’t have insurance I am hoping that the local free clinic will be able to help me with those things. I don’t know if they help with stuff like that or if they only help with illnesses, but I will sure try and find out!

Other than that, since the class starts Aug, 25th (if I get in!) I NEED to lose as much weight as possible and get myself into the best shape possible, since being a CNA is not an easy job. I was told that during the first day of class they will tell us about the uniform we need, and here I am so scared that I won’t be able to find one that fits. I know they require scrubs-white pants and a royal blue top, but I am not sure if I can purchase my own ahead of time or not. I don’t want to be mortified, unable to fit into whatever standard scrubs they offer! I feel so discouraged, knowing that no matter how much I work, I’m STILL going to be morbidly obese even if I can lose 50 lbs in that time frame. 🙁

My mom called me today, it’s the 2nd time we talked this week and before that we hadn’t spoken by phone in over 9 years (we exchange about 100+ letters per year) but she talked to me about weight and how I should do weight watchers (she has NO idea how large I am, she thinks I’m still about a 16/18 or so since I haven’t seen her in 10 years, and I’d NEVER admit I was a 28w. She was saying how she had let herself go lately and gained weight-up to a whopping 135lbs. No, she didn’t GAIN 135lbs-she weights 135. *sigh again* She said she needs to get down to 120. Here I am literally cringing on the other end of the line knowing I weight *200* lbs MORE than she does. Ouch. That sure did a number on me. She kept talking about her coworker who she said weights about 320 lbs, and how he always uses his weight as an excuse as to why he can’t do certain tasks at work. Heaven help me if she knew I weighed MORE than this person. I feel so low right now, I wish I had never gained this weight, I feel so ashamed…



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So I get home tonight and the first thing I notice is that neither of my cats are waiting for me at the door. Very odd. I call them and still nothing. I grabbed my flash light and went to look under the bed, but as I walked into the bedroom I could see (TMI Alert!) kitty vomit and diarrhea all over my bed spread. I found Callie hiding under the bed and she was fine, so I knew it was Sneezer that was sick. I finally found him hiding behind the dryer and when he saw me he started crying. Cat owners know that crying sound they do when they are sick. Poor boy would NOT come out so I had to get on top of the drying and prompt him out with a broom. I held him and got him purring but he was obviously not feeling well. Then I had to go and wash his fur cause he’d gotten himself dirty. Of course this made him start crying again. I lay on the floor with him for a while before he got up and went into the hall to throw up again, then tried to “go” in the litter box, but he’s on empty so nothing is happening either way. Talked to the vet (it’s after hours) and was told to withhold food and water overnight and see how he is in the morning. Sneezer is 11 now and nothing like this has ever happened before. I’m SO worried about him. Compound that with the fact that I’m not making money at the moment…. *sigh* I’m about to explode from stress!

Falling Apart

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I wish this wasn’t my first post on my shiny new blog, but I feel like I need to write and don’t really have any place else to do it. I’m not sure if this post is for me, or if anyone else will even read it. I feel like I’ve hit bottom. The last week was terrible for me, and life changing. I’m 27 years old, and weigh about 341 lbs. For the last 9 years I’ve been a caregiver for an elderly woman, coming into her home to help her and give her elderly husband a break four days a week. I came to them when I was 18 and just about homeless. I became part of the family and the last 9 years just flew by. Well, my lady passed away unexpectedly last Sunday the 21st of a heart attack at 80 years old. She had a pacemaker, but her heart was just too weak to continue. My mind has been reeling ever since. Her family (two children and husband) keep telling me that I made a difference in her life, that because of my help she was able to live her life at home rather than in a nursing facility, and most of me believes that, but a small part of me keeps wondering if I could have done something else. I had helped her to bed the night before, and all was well. I didn’t work that Sunday so I never saw her again after that. I keep going over and over that last Saturday, and nothing was out of the ordinary, I just can’t believe she’s not here any longer. I do NOT know how to deal with it. I have never lost anyone before. I attended my first wake and funeral last week, but it’s almost like it was a dream and didn’t really happen. I of course am scared to death about what I will do for a job and how I will pay my bills now, but as much as that worries me I am also trying to deal with my loss. I spent a full 3rd of my life with this family and am overcome with grief. I even consider their pets to be mine. The small bit of good news is that her husband who is 79, is adament that I will always be part of the family and he wants me to contintue to come in to help him with cooking/cleaning/meds etc, but because of the loss of income, he won’t be able to keep me full time. I’m scared to death wondering how thing will work out, will I be able to live while hoping to find some additional hours, and wondering who will want someone like me. Here is where weight starts coming into play. Who is going to want to hire a 341 lb woman? Nine years ago I weighed about 120 lbs less-and felt worthless then. I think I am here now seeking help because in the midst of this tradgedy, one of the biggest worries on my mind was the fact that I had NOTHING to wear to the funeral. I hope I don’t sound vain, but I wanted to look decient and respectful, and all I have now that this highest weight is jeans and too-small t-shirts that are old and boardering on ratty looking. I was horrified while digging through my closet trying to find SOMETHING that looked nice to wear, knowing that I’ve just about passed the point of being able to just stop off at Walmart and pick up something new. I only fit into the biggest sizes they carry. To have to worry about clothing while everything else was falling apart was just too much. The couples daughter who is amazing, went out and purchased me a nice shirt to wear to the services and I borrowed a skirt-so in the end I was able to look presentable, but I felt hideous. If not for all this awful weight I would have been able to focus 100% on what was happening. I guess it was just this last week that I truly realized how much my weight really affects me and my life. I feel worthless, like I didn’t even deserve to stand up with the family through the wake. I was ashamed when all these strangers were coming up to me saying they had heard so much about me and thanking me, all I could wonder is what they thought of me now that they actually SAW me. I wanted to just crawl into a hole and hide.

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