And this is where it starts
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5 weeks pregnant and 264 pounds
Friday March 16th 2012, 10:43 am
Filed under: Revelations

Since I started my weight loss the begining of this year I focused a lot mostly on making slow small lifestyle changes. From those I lost 14 pounds. I started out at 274. I stopped eating at night. Started watching my portions, and started incorporating more veggies into my diet. Just those 3 things, and just a little bit of exercise I lost the weight within a couple months. Now that I am pregnant I am so scared! In a way this was a planned pregnancy, just didn’t think it was going to happen this soon. I am thinking to myself, NOW is the time to start taking a daily walk, and doing an exercise video Everyday. Have to get in shape NOW. I go to sleep trying to motivate myself for the next day. But my god, I am so tired!! I am naturally lazy anyways, but I really like to believe that I keep myself busy enough to be considered active. This past week my body is exhausted. I know it’s because of the big task my body is undertaking developing the placenta, and baby. But I really want to do stuff now, cause I know I won’t later.

I’m scared of being so big already. I can only imagine how much bigger I am going to get. I remember with my girl it felt nice to be pregnant because the baby bump filled in my stomach, and I looked pregnant not fat anymore. I’m not sure if that’s the way it is going to be with this one. I’ve been looking for other blogs, or websites that have womens stories of being this overweight and pregnant. I haven’t found too much. But what I have seen is that it is possible, and the woman make it through.

It’s kind of sad that I am waiting for morning sickness to kick in. I have been nauseated a lot, but never to the point where I am running to the bathroom. Maybe it would help boost me to lose a little bit more weight before I start packing it all back on. I know it’s not a pleasant thought. I have already gained back 4 pounds. =( I’m not saying I am going to deprive myself and my baby of food that we both need, or go all exercise queen now that this has happened. I just want to be healthy as possible and if trying to maintain my weight throughout the pregnancy. I am so scared that I would gain so much that I hit the 300 mark!! I’m not that far away from it. With both my kids I put on 20-30 pounds, and continued to add more after they were born.

I have already asked for my “push present”. I told my boyfriend I want a treadmill after the baby is born, even one before would be ideal.  My cravings so far haven’t been too bad. I actually crave fresh fruits and veggies. I broke my blender a few weeks ago, and hoping to get a new one to start doing smoothies in the morning again. I have also been craving red meat, probably need the iron. It’s funny how when you are pregnant you can justify your cravings by what you think your body must need. How come it can’t be that way when you aren’t? Like say for instance a pregnant woman craves ice cream, think to yourself, my body must need to be cooled down and I need the calcium from the milk in it. I wish cravings like that were justifiable when you are just plain old you and want some late night ice cream!! But I am listening to my cravings, and portioning myself. Also trying to make better decisions to satisfy those cravings. Like I’ve been wanting pop, usually i would go for coke or dr. pepper (not diet) but now if I want pop I go for a sprite, or gingerale. (No caffine, no coloring, lower calories and sodium). Like I said before my game plan to lose weight is going to be baby steps. Those small changes that lead to the bigger outcome, and keep it that way.

Big news from this Big girl!
Saturday March 10th 2012, 5:26 pm
Filed under: Revelations

So it is 68 days into my weight loss venture. I have managed to lose 10 pounds by stopping eating at night, and just trying to portion myself. Not alot of weight lost, but those are 2 lasting lifestyle changes. Thing is from this day until November 15th I will be EATING FOR 2!! Yup, I am pregnant. =)

I couldn’t wait so took a test last night and it was a positive. Took another this morning, and it was an even brighter positive. I am more than a little overwhelmed at the moment. I have told my sister, my best friend, and of course my boyfriend. We are going to actually wait a couple more months to share with the rest of the family. I want to wait until mothers day to tell the soon to be grandparents. My mother in law has no grandchildren so this will be her first and I know she is going to be ecstatic! I haven’t even told my own children. I want started kind of talking about what they would feel like to have a brother or sister. It’s all going to be a big thing. I am busting at the seams to tell everyone!

I did only take the at home pregnancy test. I haven’t been to the doctor just yet. But I know I am, I have all the symptoms, sore boobs, nausea, runny bloody noses, etc.. all that fun stuff. I am more than nervous about being pregnant and over weight. I have 2 children already. 8 years, and 5 years old. With my second I had gestational diabetes. I remember getting so sick to my stomach, and being extremely tired. It was hard for me to control my sugars because of how sick i would get, then eat to get the blood sugar back up, it would get too high. I was in labor for about 18 hours, and by the time she was born I didn’t even have enough energy to look at her until I got some sleep. They had to take her to another room and get her blood sugar up also. She is not diabetic, but with us sharing blood right before birth her levels were really low too. So that is going to be my biggest concern with this one. Hopefully I will stick to my portions, and stick with eating as healthy as possible.

So there it is 260 pounds and 4 weeks pregnant. I hope I can manage all this!!

59 days
Thursday March 01st 2012, 1:02 pm
Filed under: Daily struggles.,Revelations

So almost 2 months in. My current weight is 264. I believe that’s 11 pounds lost in 2 months. Not bad for hardly trying. I really went at it for the first 2 weeks, then slowly lost motivation. Started staying up late again, sleeping most of the morning away, right up to the noon hours! I still drink coffee every day. We haven’t had money in a while to buy sweetners so I’m using real sugar again, and I like my coffee sweet so it’s about 2-3 table spoons per cup! Stupid I know. Then after the coffee I start to clean, or just waste “my” part of the day on the internet. I know all my flaws, and all the things that keep me from losing more weight. It’s another one of those days where I wake up and think to myself something has to change. But this time it’s for more than just me…

Last weekend was my boyfriends 29th birthday. You know what he asked for.. A BABY!! I never thought he would (long story about his childhood and being in the position of turning out like his own dad whom was none existent until he was 18) But I’m excited. We haven’t shared our decision with anyone yet. I took myself off of the pill. I think that’s why I’ve been so tired lately. My hormones are going whack from being off them. But I am more determined now to really start taking care of everything in my life. I think it was the real motivation that I needed. I’m hoping we will be pregnant before mothers day to be able to give the parents little onesies with ‘worlds best grandparents’ or something along the lines.

I’ve become more determined then ever to find a job asap! There is a bank teller position I will apply for, it is about a mile away. So that would be 2 miles of walking a day if I get it. Hardest thing still besides the weight loss is quitting smoking. Trying to have a baby should be enough, but it’s hard. It’s my excuse to ‘take a break’.

With my last child I developed gestational diabetes. So that is another thing I am worried about. I was I think 225 when I got pregnant with her. So I am almost positive that is something that I would develop with another child. I am going to be a little drastic and try a couple things while we are trying to conceive. One of them is using a weight loss tea. I will use it for at least a couple weeks and hopefully lose another 5 pounds. We took a walk last night through our town that was hit by a blizzard. It was nice. We weren’t sitting in front of the tv, and by the time we got back we were both pooped, and ready for bed! So maybe a few nights a week we will try to do that.

As for today I am in some sort of pre nesting mode. I will be cleaning out the bedrooms, washing clothes by hand, floors, etc. It was just burning a hole in my mind not being able to share with anyone about our decision. So telling total strangers is what I did! lol.

Day 44: Losing motivation.
Wednesday February 15th 2012, 11:45 am
Filed under: Daily struggles.

I haven’t worked out in weeks. Only reason I came back to reflect on my laziness is watching a P90X infomercial. I would still love to try it! I just can’t afford the whole system right now. My boyfriend has um… connections 😉 He got all the DVDs but I never popped one in the player yet! We’ve had them for probably a year now. But I don’t have the nutrition guide, and what DVDs go with each other for different levels.

Like I said I haven’t worked out in about 2 weeks or maybe even three! I honestly can’t remember. Last week I was so sick. Really bad sinus cold. And now my “moon” came early. So I’m feeling even more blah. And to top it all off I think I might of gotten a bladder infection from using a Walmart bathroom. I started taking some crandberry suppliments and drinking lots of water and feeling better.

Then to top it all off I had an emotional breakdown last night. Yesterday was Valentines Day. I guess it’s my fault for saying it’s just another day. But now I regret it. I just wanted something a little extra special from my boyfriend. We have had a little tradition of making steak at home. Which we did, he cooked it, and it was delicious. I only ate half, and saved the other for the kids to have for breakfast. With a pile of sauted mushrooms it was pretty amazing actually. He had to work, for most of the day. When the kids got home we went to a pow wow. They had some traditional food. Potatoes with venison gravy, or shredded beef gravy, wild rice, steamed veggies (drowned in cheese) and of course, Fry Bread. The kids had a good time. I sat alone for most of it. There were a couple people I knew and talked too, but pretty much sat by myself. That started to make me feel depressed. Being surrounded by people and still feeling alone. My mom did stop by and gave me a rose. She’s always thoughtful like that. I made cupcakes for the whole family. They were really cute, and I made them with a sugar free cake mix and light frosting. I put a lot of effort into decorating them. It made me happy to see how everyone thought they looked awesome. Then it made me think about how it seemed like I wanted my boyfriend to treat me with something special like that, on a day like Valentines. It brings back memories of my past relationship. How I would put effort into making him happy and it seemed like he never did anything special. One christmas he bought me a clock at a gas station on the way home….Anyways. All those memories, and thoughts flooded my mind, and by the time we got home I locked myself in the bedroom and just cried. I honestly haven’t cried in a long time. Probably since I started writing this blog, then before that maybe months between. So it felt kind of good.

None the less. After all the emotions and laziness, I still have lost 10 pounds in just about a month, and have maintained it. How? I don’t know. I still think it’s just becoming conscious of what I am eating, stopping myself before I become so full that I can’t move, and just want to sleep. Cutting back and almost all the way down on late night snacking. My favorite late night snacks as of lately are oranges. The other night I gorged myself on veggies, carrots, broccoli, and celery. I ate about 3/4 of the dip that came with the tray though =( I was awoken to stomach pains, and a trip to the bathroom at 5 that morning.

Today my exercise is going to involve, stairs, lifting, lunging, bending. and light aerobic. Yes today is more house cleaning!

My mini goal for the rest of this week is to do at least 2 exercise videos. Next week it will be at least 4.

Don’t know what day it is…
Monday February 06th 2012, 6:02 am
Filed under: Daily struggles.

So I lost track of a lot of things lately. Haven’t kept up on my blog, haven’t kept track of my calories, stopped exercising, and I haven’t stopped smoking. Good thing is it’s all because I’ve been busy. I started helping a friend out at her coffee shop, way too early in the morning. So I’m up early, and in bed at reasonable hours. She won’t be needing my help for a couple more weeks again, so the next couple weeks hopefully I’ll be getting back on track.

Because I’ve been getting to bed early the midnight binging has nearly stopped. I say nearly because I have snacked here and there. But I try to make it a healthy snack. Lately it’s been oranges, because we are all getting sick here. Just really stupid colds! Ugh can.’t wait till spring!!

I weighed myself on 2 reliable scales, and it looks as though I have lost a total of 9 pounds this first month!! So I am a little excited about that. I don’t really know how I lost it. I think it is because of the not eating at night. So if I can keep up with numbers like that there is a good chance that I will lose enough weight to at least feel good on my birthday at the end of the year. I’m really hoping I look good and feel good when we go on our road trip down to New Orleans at the end of the year too. I think a road trip sounds better if I don’t feel like I’m taking up to seats in the car!

Came here for support and caught a virus
Wednesday January 25th 2012, 7:32 pm
Filed under: Daily struggles.

So on my blog called Day 15: 1/2 month?… I started getting some comments, they seemed kind of generic but a little supportive. So I approved them. Then all of a sudden I’ve probably had about 15-20 comments on that particular blog. My last comment was it was a note to the administrator that wanted to let me know that my website is being reported as a malicious one… or something like that. UGH!! I’ve been deleting the comments, only a few I really marked ads spam. I hope that after this last batch of comments that I reported that it is going to stop. Otherwise I’m probably going to have to delete the post (which wasn’t all that great to be getting all those positive feed back things..) If that doesn’t work I might delete the entire diet blog website I spilled my guts out in.

It was starting to really help just sitting down and getting it all out of my head and out to the world, to anyone! Even if it is just reflecting on what I’ve said. And now I might lose it. =\

Sorry if I infect anyone with whatever this is =(

Day 18: Double chin
Friday January 20th 2012, 12:20 pm
Filed under: Daily struggles.

I have recently started feeling so much more aware of my Double chin. I can see it in my reflection and in pictures. The thing that really bothers me is I can feel it! I can feel it jiggle. It feels like something around my neck, if that makes any sense. My arms are the same. I can feel them move, on there own! haha.. I laugh but it sucks.

As long as I have been overweight, it isn’t until now I am so much more aware of my body. I am becoming more aware of who I am. And I feel like I need to do so many things at once that it all becomes so overwhelming, then makes me not want to do anything. My excuse phrases: if only, but, can’t, won’t. Its easier to say no and let it all catch up on me. I set myself up for failure. I always look forward to the future, but never do anything to manifest it the way I picture it. I need to start learning to say yes to myself. <—Total cheezy self awareness poking through. lol

But if only I had a trainer or equipment that I can’t afford, I feel like I won’t succeed.

Day 17
Thursday January 19th 2012, 11:58 am
Filed under: Daily struggles.

I have to confess. I stoped the food journal. Never did put it in the kitchen like I said I would and totally started to forget about it. I know it is essential to tracking my food. I realize that I am snacking uncontrollably through the day again. I really have cut down on the snacking at night though! I’ve gotta say that is an accomplishment to me. Of everything I want to change this year with myself, eating at night was one of my really bad habits. I started to feel guilty for everything else I am failing at, but I just now realized that was a big hurtle. 😉

The next biggest hurtle I need to really get over is figuring out how to make a diet plan. I know it woulds take out the stress and panic that comes over me sometimes when trying to figure out what to make right before I should be cooking. With food cost, I really need to start using coupons! It seems like to me when I watch extreme couping on TLC that they usually only get processed foods. Rarely ever do you see them getting fresh produce.

I slept in late and got up and had a quick coffee while I got ready and went grocery shopping. I am making chilli for dinner. For lunch I had a prepackaged Bean and cheese burrito. I’m not really trying to go vegetarian, I just know I eat too much meat, especially red meat. And when I wanted something quick and warm it seemed like the best option at the moment. I bought some greek yogurt and frozen fruits to start making smoothies for breakfast again. As for exercise… I have a million excuses. The house keeps getting pretty dirty with the school age kids staying in the house mostly for the winter. So it’s really neverending and kind of burns me out. So yesterday I protested and had a full fledged couch potato party with myself. To be able to sit and know that the house is clean and really having no other obligations for the day I took advantage of it and just sat there all, day, long. Honestly my back is hurting me today from sitting all day. It is literally -30 degrees outside so getting out is kind of out of the question.

Tax time is almost here!! I worked for more than half the year last year so I should be getting back enough to get a cheap car. If I have a little extra I might look into getting a treadmill or bike. The car is so important though! I could get out of the house finally. Find a job that doesn’t have to be within walking distance.

My anxiety when I’m home alone is still there, but has started to go away. I don’t know if it’s just because I’m conscious of it. Or if I am trying to believe that eating healthy has to do with it. But it does seem like the anxiety level is a little lower. Now when it comes to actually getting out of the house is when I feel more anxious. I do believe I have social anxiety. I think I’ve had it since I was a kids. Remember me talking about my parents and how strict they were? I think that has A Lot to do with it. I was never allowed to go anywhere, and now I convince myself there is no where I want to go because I don’t want to leave the house. Yet I feel like I need to get out of the house to start feeling better again. It’s a vicious cycle.

Day 13: A weekend of weakness
Sunday January 15th 2012, 3:59 pm
Filed under: Daily struggles.

So I feel as though I totally failed myself, and let myself go this whole past weekend. My boyfrend had the whole weekend off for a funeral. On Thursday I had a funeral to attend for my boyfriends family. After the funeral there is usually a feast. All the traditional foods for us, Deer meat, wild rice, fry bread, plus potatoes, turkey and gravy, salads (the kinds with salad dressing/mayo) and deserts galore. Friday I did ok. We made fish and mac n cheese.
Yesterday (Saturday) was a fun day. My parents and his parents each took a kid for the night. Me and my boyfriend went out to eat with a gift card to the Original Famous Daves. Then went to a costume party where anyone with a costume got free beer. I’m not a beer drinker but I like free… And we won the costume contest, which was a gift card to walmart. We bought ourselves a new pan. =)
Today we stayed home to cure our hangovers. Making BLTs for dinner. Tomorrow we are going out of town to run a few errands. We received another gift card for a steak house in the town we are going to. So that’s what we are doing for lunch. It’s going to be a road trip so a lot of sitting tomorrow.
The only day I have to really get back on track will be Tuesday. Hopefully I will get back to some exercise, and really take the time to make some meal plans.

Day 9
Wednesday January 11th 2012, 6:12 am
Filed under: Daily struggles.

Not too sure if I am going to be able to stick to an exercise today. My friend called me last night and asked if I could baby sit her 2 babies today. Of course I said yes. I’ve been up since 5:30. If you have been reading my other post, you would know that I am NOT a morning person. Although I really wish I was. It’s just that at night when the kids go to bed, and my boyfriend comes home from work, the last thing I want to do is go to sleep. It’s our time of the day where we wind down together, alone, quietly, or sit back with some whine and smoke, and converse with each other. Sometimes we play dominos, or even Nintendo games.

So anyways. Up early. Cleaning poopy diapers, protecting the cat, all that fun stuff that comes with watching babies. I will be babysitting til about 2:30. I am really hoping that I can fit in a nap after they leave and before my kids get home. Then after they get home it’s back to the grind of making dinner, and cleaning, homework, baths, and hopefully a little alone time with the Man.

I will make it a point to drink only water today, besides the coffee to get me through the day. NO juice, milk, pop, kool aide. I wonder if this is going to work….