I can see clearly now the rain is gone.

It might be the changing weather or the feeling of my new found independence but I’m doing much better than I was a couple of weeks ago.

The weather has been gorgeous and I’ve been venturing out of my comfort zone by driving to place I’ve never driven to before. By venture I mean making a trip to the local grocery store but hey.. every little bit counts.

Work has been going well. I think I’m really going to succeed in this position. Scratch that. I *know* I’m going to succeed in this position. I just need to keep my head screwed on tight and my gaze fixed towards my future. I can make a decent living. Just need to take this one step at a time.

Exercise.. Hmm. Exercise. I haven’t done much of it. Last week I power walked 3.20 miles around my apartment. It was nice. I forgot what a stress reliever working out can be. I cancelled my membership at Planet Fitness. The main point was that I wasn’t making an effort to go. I think the drive is what kept me away the most. It’s about a 15 to 20 minute drive. The hardest part is getting there and if I have that long of a drive then I would really rather stay home. There is, however, a gym near my apartment. It’s about five minutes away and they do offer group classes and full access to the facilities. The hours aren’t as great but I will never wake at 5AM to work out nor will I want to go at 11PM. I want a membership there but it’s expensive. Until I get a second job (will move on to that in a bit) I can’t afford it..

Food has been.. I don’t even know. Food has been fine. I eat what I want but I mostly moderate what I consume. I haven’t been stuffed beyond belief in a long time so that’s a good thing. I’m maintaining my weight pretty solidly which is a good thing. Now if I could get the exercise together, I’d be good to go!

I mentioned a second job before because it’s something I’m looking for right now. Wells Fargo gives me about 25 hours per week. I need more. I want more. It’s not enough for me. I like to work. As much as I may bitch and complain about it; it mentally helps me through out the day. Not to mention will help me pay off some debt and start saving money again. I miss having money. Sigh.

My birthday is in eight days. I’m going to be 27 years old. The past two years have been a series of ups and downs for me. I’ve terminated friendships and began new ones, left my dead end job of five years and started a possible career.. almost ruined the best thing that has ever happened to me.. mended wounds, quit my job, packed my things and moved to a completely different state with the man I love. I’ve done a lot and I’ve learned a lot. I need to make this 27th year count. I try to make them all count but sometimes we get so wrapped up in our own insignificant drama that we forget to live without any regrets. For my 27th year, I want to be healthy and alive for me, my friends, my family and my boyfriend.

In any case, I guess that’s it from me. Getting kind of chilly out here on my deck now. Time to wrap it up, head inside, have some dinner and relax. Work tomorrow from 8:15 to 5:15. Then probably hitting the grocery store for a few choice things.

– Nikki


I like Sunday’s. Not much going on. Not much to say about them. They just.. are.

I’m in a weird mood this afternoon. Probably has something to do with my not being productive since I awoke at 8:30AM. And I ate three pieces of left over garlic bread and three slices of pizza for lunch. Sigh. I probably shouldn’t eat for the remainder of the day.

I have a headache. Just sort of came out of no where. I’m drinking water and took a couple of Advil to help alleviate the pain. I’m tired and feeling lethargic. Kind of want to close the blinds in the bedroom, put my earplugs in and fall asleep. I shouldn’t do that though. I won’t be able to get to sleep tonight.

I got to the gym yesterday, finally. It was a good work out. I did 30 minutes on the treadmill and 15 minutes on the elliptical. I’d like to attach another 15 minutes to the work out so I have a solid hour’s worth of cardiovascular exercise. An employee of the gym saw me eying a sign about a boot camp style kick boxing class. I wrote my name on a list and received a call this afternoon about it. They’re plan is to have the class this coming Saturday at 1PM. The first class is free and all others will be $15. I’ll attend the free class but there is no way I’m going to be spending that kind of money on one class. If I wanted to attend classes I would sign up for the gym that’s closer to me.. which wouldn’t be a bad idea. They have unlimited classes after all. Something to think about once I get my bills paid off and finances straightened out.

In any case.. I’m just not in the mood for anything today. I’m trying but I’m just tired. I have work tomorrow until 3:30PM. Then it’s off to the gym and home to take care of my boyfriend. He’s getting his wisdom tooth extracted tomorrow. He’ll be in some pain =/

Speaking of my boyfriend.. he should be home from his karate class in a bit. I’m going to get comfortable on the couch and hopefully snag some shut eye..

Until next time.

– Nikki

Getting myself back on track..

Instead of just *talking* about getting back on track with my health, my body and my life I am going to start *doing* it. I’m tired of talking.

Today was a great day, food and water wise. Calories are at 1,114. Water is at about 50oz. Not bad for the first day really back on track! Exercise still has not showed it’s head but.. that’s all going to change tomorrow.

I’ve gotten the coffee set for tomorrow morning. My snacks are together (carrots, apple, banana, yogurt etc..). In a moment I’ll be getting my sandwich together (tuna on whole wheat!) and my gym clothes packed.

Tomorrow’s plan is work from 8:15 – 5:15. After work I’ll head straight to the gym. After the gym I’ll come home, prepare dinner, get lunch together for the following day and relax. Thursday I won’t make it to the gym. I have work until 5:15 and then a friend is come over to hang out a bit. The weekend is a completely different story. I only have work on Friday and Saturday for only 4 hours. That means directly after work I’ll be heading to the gym. Sunday morning will be spent at the gym as well. I’m determined to get there as often and as long as possible. I need this to become routine again.

My birthday is in a little bit more than 4 weeks. My weight yesterday morning was a disgusting 179.5. Here is hoping I can find 169 by then. There.. there is my goal right there. My first goal will be to see my first ten pounds gone by my birthday. Ten pounds in a month? I can do it. I just need to dig deep, work hard, believe I can do this.. enough talking. No more excuses. Just do it. Just get home, get my shoes on and get to the gym. Okay!

First check mark will be packing my bags for the gym. I *will* do this 🙂


Day one being back on track was a success. Food was great and water was great. I didn’t get much activity in unless you can count dancing around my apartment to Wiz Khalifa while swiffering my kitchen floor exercise 😉

Drew has been seriously wanting to lose weight as well. He has been interested in Weight Watchers lately since they started marketing their program towards men. I’ll admit, I was interested in it too but we just can’t afford it right now. I told him I’d like for both of us to go on some sort of program. Whether it be food or fitness. I think we’ll both benefit by doing something like that together and watching the change as it happens with the other individual. We’ll see what happens. Not sure when we’ll find the time to devote ourselves to something like that.

We’ve made a few changes in the household that will promote healthy eating. I took the chocolates we normally keep in a candy dish next to the couch and put them in the freezer. Last night after dinner I wanted a snack so I took three (serving size is five) mini bars out of the freezer for each of us. Drew arranged our pantry in a way so that healthier items are at eye level. The chips have been stashed away in the corner and I must say, it really works. Out of sight, out of mind. I’ve also started filling up my water container every evening that way I have 64 ounces of cold water ready to go each day. Yesterday was the first day in a long time that I drank that much water.

It’s amazing how I have one day on target and my whole mood has changed. I woke up, looked at myself in the mirror and mentally thought I looked slimmer. How can I be slimmer after a mere 24 hours? I can’t. But mentally I feel so much better about myself. I don’t feel bloated or weighed down. I felt light and ready to start my day.

Tonight Drew and I are making tacos. I’m making Goya rice and re-fried beans as side dishes. I’m going to plan out my dinner calorie wise before I dig in. I’ll allow myself some rice and beans just as long as I have the room for them and I measure everything.

Moving on to something not weight loss related.. Best Buy called yesterday and my orientation is on Friday. At first they wanted it for noon but I have a doctors appointment on Long Island at 10:15am. They pushed the orientation to 3:30pm. After going over several scenarios I just don’t think I’ll make it on time so, I rescheduled my doctor appointment for next Friday. I plan on calling Best Buy this afternoon to see if we can change orientation back to noon. Friday evening I have a birthday celebration to go to which I’ll miss if orientation starts at 3:30. Then Saturday I have a wedding to go to. I had better take advantage of the next three days because once work starts I think I’m going to be a very busy person 😛

Anyhow, I guess that’s all I have to say for today’s entry. Until next time!

– Nikki

Going back to what I know.

It has been a very long time since I’ve written here. A few ladies from the original journals and myself tried a few other options to get the same type of lay out that we were so accustomed to before this journal option. We haven’t found anything. We’re all friends on Facebook so that keeps us in touch. I just wish it never changed.

Things have been crazy with me in the year 2011. Drew and I went through a rocky time that I thought may break us apart. I won’t get into the details because, truthfully, I just want to forget about them. Rest assured, our relationship is stronger than ever. In June we went apartment hunting and in August we signed a lease to a one bedroom with a deck in the quaint little town of Seymour, CT. I quit my job and uprooted my entire existence to be with the man I love. Despite not having a job or any source of income, I wouldn’t want it any other way. I love this man with all of my heart and this is a whole new chapter for our relationship.

Right before I quit my job to move I decided to take advantage of the health benefits I still had and got myself checked out. Unfortunately, my pap came out abnormal. High grade dysplasia. So, four days ago I had a cone biopsy. And four days later I’m still feeling the effects of the anesthesia. Not fun, but it’s something that needed to get done. I have an appointment on Friday to make sure everything is okay with the cone. From there, I guess it’s just annual paps to make sure there’s no abnormality. The night before my surgery my doctor calls and tells me I also have a urinary tract infection that I needed medication for. It just seems to be one thing after another lately..

I have been applying nonstop to jobs. I actually got a part time job at Best Buy for a customer service position. The GM really liked me and said she thinks I could go far in the company. I just wish she’d start me off with full time. I need those benefits so badly. Cobra is killing me with a $550 monthly premium. After my issues are taken care of I’m going to search for a less costly insurance company. Based on the household income and my having only a part-time job I think I’ll be able to find something much cheaper.. I hope. If I don’t hear from Best Buy today I’m going to call them tomorrow to make sure they got my drug test and I’m clear to start working. I just want to get back into some sort of normal schedule..

The main reason for my wanting to start writing here again is because of how much weight I have gained. My lowest weight was 143lbs. As of about a week ago when I weighed in at the hospital my weight was 176lbs. That’s just insane to me. I know I’ve gained a lot because I can feel it. I feel hefty. I feel the roll around my belly. I feel lethargic and tired easily. My clothes are all not fitting. In fact – I was down to a size 8/10. I’m not squeezing into a size 12 barely. I don’t feel comfortable unless I am wearing a tummy control tank top or tummy control panties. I need to take my health back. I really do. Between leaving retail over a year ago for a desk job, my health issues, moving to a complete different state and not having any sort of gym routine it’s truly worn me down. I eat all day and it doesn’t matter what. It is no ones fault but my own I mentioned to Drew yesterday that I’ve gained 25 pounds since I’ve met him. He feels responsible for it but it’s no ones fault but my own. I’m the one who chose to ate all those crappy foods. And I need to monitor everything I eat. Drew can easily eat 2500 to 3000 calories and maintain his weight. If I do that, then I gain weight. It needs to stop. I can see myself reaching 200 pounds again and I refuse to go through that again. So, it stops right now. I’m going back to what I know. I say this all the time but.. I’ve done it before and I can do it again. I know what I want to look like and who I want to become again.. Now? I need a plan.. Here it goes.

I’m going to start being more mindful with everything I put in my mouth. I’m going to stick to my roots and stay away from white bread, white rice, beef and pork. I’m going to start measuring my meals again. I’m most definitely going to start writing down what I eat again. That always used to help me out. As for the exercise, I’m not sure what to do about that. There is a Planet Fitness about 20 minutes away from me but do I really want to drive 20 minutes to the gym? Luckily, Best Buy is actually about a mile down the road from it so, I could always go right after work. They’re hours are pretty awesome. I do have some fitness videos I can use for the time being. Cardio is a problem here though as I’m on the second floor of the apartment complex. Hm.

I need to figure out how to get around cooking two separate meals. Like, tonight I’m making pork chops with onions in Knorr home style stock. I was going to make corn on the cob and brown rice as a side. Drew bought white rice and we also got some other different types of flavored rice that I’m sure are packed with sodium. Pasta was on sale this week so we got regular pasta. When you’re living on a budget and having a love affair with coupons it’s very difficult to purchase everything chicken, turkey and whole grain/whole wheat. So, let’s try portion control. Perhaps instead of completely going back to what I know, start using portion control. Instead of using a big plate, use a small plate to trick my mind. Load up on vegetables. Cook with them every chance I get. Salad on the side of every meal. Have a cheat day on the weekends. I know how to do this. It’s just starting it that’s the problem.

This morning I had a cup of Special K cereal w/ about a cup of 2% milk & a banana. It was good! It satisfied me and instead of feeling bloated and tired I feel good. I’m going to have a yogurt in a bit and then a sandwich of some sort for lunch.

Part of the reason why I want to do this is because I want to look good for Drew. He loves me no matter what I look like but I want to be confident and sexy for him and myself. I may be getting into too much info here but, it’s true.

Anyway! I should end this entry now. I’ve written plenty and I should get up and start doing things around the apartment. I’d like to bring my weights in from my car as well. My mug needs a coffee refill too 😉

Nikki Back On The Wagon signing off!

Weight = 156.0

Ouch. That number hurts. I saw it this morning. That’s what happens when you’re not eating for nutrition and staying away from exercise like it’s the plague.

It’s Thursday. I wish it was Friday. I am crossing my fingers that today goes by smoothly. And by smoothly, I mean no negative thoughts. I’m pretty sure we will be taking some calls today. Probably observing a little bit. I think we’re also learning a bit more. I think she said we’re going over what a clue report is and an MVR report. I hope most of the day is spent observing. It’s mind-numbing, sure. But it’s good to listen and mimic what the other reps do and how they word certain things. I just want Friday. I don’t think I have wanted Friday so badly in my entire life. Sigh.

Let’s go over all of the fun things I’ve got planned for the weekend, shall we? I need some uplifting thoughts right about now.

Tomorrow, after work, I plan on getting my nails done. The salon closes at 7:30 so I’ve got plenty of time to run over there and get a quick fill in. I need to get them cut down as they are starting to interfere with my typing skills. After that I’ll come home, do some laundry and then call it a night.

On Saturday I plan on waking up to no alarm, thankfully. I’ll hit the gym in the morning for a two mile run (at minimum), head home to shower & change and then get to the mall. I need to pick up a card and a gift for my anniversary. I’m also going to do a bit of clothes shopping for work. Maybe pick up a pair of khaki’s and a few shirts. People there dress very casually and I’m also in business pants. If I can get away with khaki’s then that’s probably what I should do. The rest of the day will be spent lounging in the sunshine. At 10pm I’m picking up Drew from the train station and we are going to Dave & Busters, I think. Haven’t made definite plans on what we’re doing but that sounds about right. It should be fun. Can’t make it too late of a night because on Sunday we’re heading over to Marc’s house where I finally get to meet my baby cousin. I’m really excited about it. The whole weekend is going to be full of great things. That’s what is keeping me going today.

I guess I should wrap this up. I’ve written plenty. Hope you girls are doing okay.

– Nikki

How do I stop thinking so little of myself?

I am so sick and tired of feeling like I am nothing. I am tired of feeling like I can’t do anything. Everyone grasps things a different way. For some, it’s fast. For others, it’s a bit slower. I need to give myself some time. It takes me longer to absorb information. I have not had the same experience as some of the other guys. I’ve never been in this sort of environment. It’s all new to me. Why can’t I except that?

To elaborate, today we took sales calls. We were paired off. One person spoke to the customer while the other monitored and put the information in the computer program. We switched off after each call. I only took one phone call. It was with a woman that did not qualify for a quote. I stumbled through my explanations, I didn’t know what questions to ask and I completely froze when asking about certain discounts. It was.. horrible. The guy I was paired off with looked at me like I was an idiot. They all think I’m stupid. At least, that’s what I think that they think. Drew said “What does it matter what they think? The only person that matters what you think is you. And me =P” It’s true. I know I am trying my hardest. Who I was a few years back would have quit already. I would have come up with some ridiculous excuse and never went back. If they don’t think I am grasping the information or that I’m not right for the job then they will do what is deemed necessary by company standards. In the mean time, I’ll keep pushing on. I’ll go to work each day. Hour by hour. Day by day. I’ll do my best and if that’s not good enough then there is nothing more I can do.

I have not been to the gym in almost four weeks. One month.

Eating has been weird. I haven’t been eating a lot but I haven’t been paying much mind to proper nutrition.

I miss Drew. He always makes me feel better. He always makes me feel worth it. Like I can do anything.

The only thing really keeping me going is the weekend that’s soon approaching. I will spend it taking care of myself and regrouping my thoughts. I’ve got to get my nails done, do a little bit of clothes shopping and pick up my anniversary gift to Drew. Saturday night Drew and I are going to Dave and Busters. Sunday we are going to Bridgehampton to visit my cousin. It’s going to be a beautiful weekend.

With any luck, by Friday I should be in customer service. I don’t want to be in that classroom any longer. I want to start learning what *I’m* going to be learning.

Time to give my baby a call before bed. Hope you girls are doing well..

– Nikki

Significantly better!

I am doing significantly better since the last time I wrote.

The rest of last week went okay. We role played with an associate from TSC-Direct and the following day we did more role playing on paper. I did very well on that sheet so I was pretty proud of myself. I took my time, I high-lighted all of the pain aspects of the quote and it turned out very well. On Friday we were supposed to take actual phone calls but Ty (trainer) ended up having small contractions. Her baby is due in two weeks but she says with her other children she was always a little bit early which means she could go at any time. She’s trying to rush us along in the process so we cover as much as possible.

My weekend was fabulous! I was in such a great mood when I left on Friday. On Saturday I went shopping for some snack foods and beer for the weekend. I also lounged in the pool with a couple of beers. I ended up being exhausted for some reason so I went to lay down. Mom came in my room at 10pm and asked me what time I was supposed to pick up Drew from the train station. I jumped out of bed so fast. I called Drew and told him I would be there as soon as possible because I fell asleep. I felt so horrible that I cried when I saw him. He said I make it very difficult to be mad at =P

On Sunday we woke up early, went to IHOP for breakfast, hit up the mall for a few choice things and then came home. I picked up a pretty awesome red bathing suit. It looks great on me and I’ve gotten a few compliments on it already 🙂 We spent the rest of the afternoon lounging in the pool and drinking beer. Later on in the evening we decided to play beer pong. All in all. An amazing weekend. 🙂

This morning I dropped him off at the train station before work. Then it was home to get ready to leave. Work went well! We took actual sales calls today and I did better than I had expected. I’m slowly grasping the information and the flow of a quote call. I need to not be so hard on myself. Everyone learns differently and the speed in which they can retain the information is different as well. For me, I think I am doing well. I took two calls and am actually looking forward to doing it again. There is no better way to learn then to throw yourself out there. Even if it terrifies you 🙂 The day went by real quick which was definitely a plus as well.

I came home, straightened up my room and am currently watching Ghost Whisperer. I’ve got some chicken wings cooking now to have for dinner. I’ve got some studying to do because we’re having a test on all the information we’ve learned so far tomorrow. I’m also going to give Drew a call and fill him in on my day.

It’s only Monday and I’m already counting down the days of the week. I’m planning a lot for Saturday. I need to get my nails done, get Drew’s anniversary gift, get my hair cut and maybe go clothes shopping. I may take a look online and do a bit of shopping. We shall see what mood I am in later.

In any case, things are going well. I am not giving up and I am feeling positive about my job choice 🙂

– Nikki

Mental frustrations!

I am still seriously questioning my ability to work at this company. There is no reason for my apprehension though. Today we did some role playing sheets on the computer. I got two out of four right. The last two were more in depth and had multiple components. It confused me. After that we went to the classroom, discussed the problem areas with all of us and then took fake phone calls. It was the first time getting the feel of being on a call and wearing the headset. We all made our mistakes and for the most part learned from them. Tomorrow, however, they want us to take *real* phone calls. I seriously do not think we’re ready for that. I think one person might be ready because he worked at Geico for a year and he has his insurance license. We are going to have role playing calls with the sales manager and than I guess he will decide whether or not we are ready for real calls. I don’t think I am ready to represent the company. Sigh. If they want me on the phone, I’ll do it but.. I just don’t think I am ready. Four days is not enough training to represent a company. My anxiety went through the roof when we did role playing today so tomorrow it’s going to be even worse. I think I am going to snag a couple of xanax from mom or my aunt. I know I probably shouldn’t but I’ve been so stressed all week and so out of my comfort zone that I need something to calm my nerves a little bit.. Ugh.

Food. I haven’t been eating much because of my nerves. So.. if anything, I’m losing a bit of weight.

Exercise. Haven’t been at the gym in about three weeks. Ouch. I just can’t focus on anything but my job right now. It takes up a huge majority of my day and by the time I get home I feel so mentally defeated that it’s almost a task to journal or even set a facebook status. I know things will get better and if I work out it might take the stress off of me mentally but I just can’t focus.

When life is crazy and stressful and we feel like we can’t take anymore, we need to just sit back and take a look around us. All things work out in the end and nothing lasts forever. 🙂

I’m off to sip my coffee, watch some TV and then study a little bit. Hope you girls are doing well.

– Nikki

Step By Step, Day By Day

Hey girls. I haven’t written in a little while because I’ve been so busy.

Just to clarify – I talked to Drew about the comment he made about the “hot chick”. He apologized and realized as soon as he sent the text that it was wrong. It was a momentary lapse in judgment and I forgave me. He was genuinely sorry for saying it and I knew it.

The weekend was good. Drew and I went out with some friends to celebrate his birthday. We went to a pizza place, separated and met with other people at the bar. We had a good time. The following day we spent being very lazy. I left for home early as I had my first day at TSC-Direct.

My first day on the job was okay. It was more of an introduction if anything. We learned a little bit. It was kind of unorganized. The other guys in my class are cool though. Well – most of them at least.

Today was alright, I suppose. Those ugly and negative thoughts have started to rear it’s ugly head though. It’s a lot of insurance information to grasp. The jargon, the speech, the rules, the terms. It’s all a lot to remember and take in. I am trying to think of my brain as a sponge that just soaks up all of this but it’s so difficult. Being in an insurance environment and the thought of having to take customer calls is scary. I am so used to retail. I am so used to face to face interactions. When I think about everything all together it gets very jumbled and I get kind of anxious about it. So.. I am just taking it day by day. I need to keep my goals in my main focus. What is it that I am trying to achieve? I want a better life for myself and my future. I want to start a life with Drew. I want to move to Connecticut and be with him. I don’t want to just talk about it. I can do this. I refuse to give up or give into these negative thoughts that have plagued me my entire life. I only have one life to live and the anxiety I feel over this or any other job I may hold will not matter once I am gone. All of the people and customers that I am dealing with will be gone one day too. It will not matter. This may be a morbid way to look at things but it makes me feel so much better. I am doing something good right now. My parents, friends and Drew are all super proud of me. The person who was the most proud though, is myself. I’m really following through with this. So, I will wake up tomorrow, shower, dress, put on my make up and head out to work. Just another day in another person’s life across the globe.

As far as my weight goes.. I have not weighed in, in a little while. I think the last time I did I was at 155.0. It’s probably a little less than that now as I haven’t really been eating that much. Today, I was really light on calories. I’ve got to get back to the gym. I bet that will help me to relieve some of the stress and minor anxiety. We shall see…

I am *so* looking forward to this coming weekend though. I’ve got off Saturday and Sunday. Drew will be here Saturday night and I am really looking forward to seeing him. I feel like the week used to go by so much quicker when I was unemployed. Now it just drags because I am sitting in a class room for 9 hours. Sigh.

Anyway, so that is the life of Nikki right now. Just trying to keep my head in focus. I need to just keep looking ahead instead of behind. More to come..

– Nikki