Yearning for… MYSELF.

Cause I’m not sure who this fat chick is!

Needing to write… May 26, 2009

Filed under: 2009 — jewlz280 @ 11:01 am

So, I find myself up this AM and needing to write.  Usually, I don’t write until late and night.  I don’t know why that’s my routine, but it is.  I just seem to follow that pattern to a T.  But today, I feel like spilling my guts out on the computer.  At first, I had wanted to write on my MySpace page, but then I thought, not sure if that is the right place to air all of my grievances at this point — too many people to read it and judge without knowing all the details.  Here, I know people are reading, but I also know they don’t know me personally.  And sometimes, it’s a relief to just let everything go and get third party opinions.  For me, sometimes just putting it down is a relief.  So, where to start???

First of all, I guess I should put down that I am NOT in a grumpy mood!  I actually feel really good this AM and motivated to get some things done.  I’ve been like this lately, up, in a good mood, and ready to accomplish things.  Although, I DID take a couple of half days off to read a good book and relax before we start our two week work-a-thon on the house!  I know I won’t get many chances at that point to just sit and relax, so I’m trying to do it now.  But today, I want to tie up some loose ends around the house and make sure our transition over to work mode is smoooooth!  That means, I am going to do some organizing and cleaning today along with cooking up some food so that we have pre-made meals.  I am also going to make double batches of shakes so that the hubby can have shakes with me if need be.  We’re going to be SUPER busy (I hope!) so the shakes may be the way to go for us during this time.  Anyways, back on point, I’m feeling really good and hoping to get a lot accomplished as soon as I am done here.

But I’m sure this leaves you wondering what I’m annoyed about?  Family.  I am SO sick of family issues!  I have my own drama going on here that I am trying to avoid like the PLAGUE but I feel like every time I turn around, more family issues come up.  My husband’s family decided to have a big ‘family’ cookout over the holiday weekend — minus us.  That’s right!  Yet, again, we were not invited to a family function.  I’d say if my hubby and his sis weren’t so close, we wouldn’t be invited to that, either.  But, nothing I can do.  I’m tired of fighting, tired of being angry, and tired of trying.  So, why do I feel so annoyed???  Cause it’s like a slap in the face every time I turn around.  And let me tell you ladies, I don’t like being slapped.  No sir, I’m a fight girl who when provoked, wants to fight back and sling the dirt!  I’m trying really hard not to.  I want to, but I’m trying REALLY HARD not to.  The only thing I can hope for is that when I spoke with a family member earlier in the week that I mentioned the work schedule and that’s why we weren’t invited.  Isn’t it sad I’m hoping that I said something that kept them from inviting us?  I’d rather it be that than my husband think that he was left out…. AGAIN.  URGH.

Now on to FRIENDS.  I am a DAMN good friend and always there for everyone at the drop of a dime.  If someone needs me, I feel like it’s my duty to be there and support them.  Now, before you go and start thinking, WHAT A DUMBASS!  Let me clarify — this is only true if you are a person I trust.  Now, with that said, you tick me off, say something snarky, or end up just being a butt head then all bets are off.  You’re on your own and good luck with that.  And here LATELY, I keep feeling like everything I thought I knew about my friends is wrong.  A certain friend (well, someone I THOUGHT was my friend) has turned around behind my back and gone to another friend and said I was a liar.  WHAT???  You hypocritical BITCH!  I am super mad.  Luckily, the other friend KNEW what was going on and didn’t believe the other said friend one bit.  And TOLD HER THAT!  Which, really changed the way I see my current friends.  I’m starting to really see who’s there and who’s THERE.  And this other said friend is going to have a rude awakening when she comes asking for help.  Cause as of right now, I haven’t said a word to her that I know and neither has my other friend.  But when she comes begging for help (and she WILL) boy is she going to have a big shock coming!  Cause I’m going to let it FLY!  The only time she calls me anymore is to ask for something.  And this time when she asks, I’m going to give her an earfull!

As you can imagine, under the best of circumstances it’s hard to diet.  But when you’re dealing with emotional stuff and even physcial stuff, it can be hard.  But I have NOT given up.  I’ve been sticking to low carb eating as much as possible and still doing a couple of shakes a day.  But I’m thinking of uping the shakes to 3 this week.  Maybe even 4.  I’m going to be SO busy, I’m afraid I’m going to forget to eat.  And I REALLY need to do this and lose at least 20 more lbs.  I’ve been great on the exercise lately, and I need to go and get that in here in a bit — I’ve been doing the C25K program!  Mixed with walking. 😀  I’m really enjoying it much more than I thought I would!  I mean, I NEVER thought I’d enjoy running, but there IS something freeing about it.  Not sure if I’ll ever make it to the end, but I’m going to TRY.  I’d love to be up to running 3 miles per day about 4 days a week.  I think that would be AWESOME!

OH!  And I finally bought a balance disk!  I had been looking everywhere for a decently priced one and finally found one for $15 at Marshalls!  I was so excited!  😀  I am thinking of starting that today now that I have a couple of weeks under my belt of doing the walking and running again.  I’m not starting too slow — I get bored!  But I also don’t want to overdo it.  lol  So, I want to do these things and keep a routine going but change it up now and then.  Like, I’d like to work on balance the days I don’t run.  Maybe I should do running/walking today and do balance/stretching every other day???  Hmmm…. that sounds good!  We’ll see what works.  I’ll try different things!  All I know is that the balance and stretch I’m doing require a lot of core work which uses a lot of leg muscle and of course, stomach muscles.  So, not sure if I want to do them together or separate.  Guess I’ll just have to try different things and see what works together and doesn’t strain me.

I guess my overall feeling is good.  Just annoyed at outside sources.  Well, and my own body.  I had my yearly check-up and it looks as if my cholesterol is high.  WHAT?  Cholesterol?  Really?  I was in total shock.  I mean, I’ve never had it checked before that I can remember except for when I was pregnant.  But really, that?  All my other numbers were spectacular.  Even my Insulin came back normal which hasn’t happened in I couldn’t tell you when!  So, I was super shocked.  I mean, I eat whole grains when I’m eating carbs, lean meats, and tons of veggies and some fruit.  Where is the cholesterol from?  Turns out, you can be doing all the right things and STILL have high cholesterol according to what I’ve read so far.  *sigh*  THIS.  IS.  BULL.  SHIT.  I mean, I work my butt off to lose the 40lbs. I’ve lost and to get my PCOS under control only to get to this point and have a whole new problem develop.  I just don’t get it.  Makes NO sense to me.  URGH.  I’m a 29 year old female who’s worked her butt off only to develop high cholesterol.  S-C-R-E-A-M!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

My wonderful father put it in perspective, though.  He said maybe at my highest weight last year of 226.5, my cholesterol was MUCH higher and I just didn’t know it.  NOW, it’s actually going down, but because I don’t know what the number was last year, it just appears like it’s going up.  For some reason, that DID make me feel much better.  I go back in 3mos. to check it again.  I know at that point if it isn’t down, they are going to want to put me on meds.  I’m going to reject them and tell him that I want to give myself and my body some more time to adjust and bring it down naturally.  I’d say maybe another 3 to 6 months at that point.  If after then I can’t do it on my own, I’ll do the meds cause I will know this is a hereditary thing and not something I can just get rid of without help.  I just really hope I can do it on my own.  I don’t want to be 29 and taking meds for the rest of my life.  Yet another reason I need to get back on these shakes and get more weight off.  I think if I can lose another 20lbs., it will really help.  Right now, I’m still considered obese at the high 180’s.  In the 160’s, I think I would just be overweight.

So, there’s my last few weeks.  Not as bad as I thought it was going to be.  Not so bad at all!  I felt good before, but now I’m feeling REALLY good!  I think I’m going to get up off of here and get some stuff done around my house!  Stuff that I won’t have to worry about while we are working!  YAY!  I may even go for that play date this afternoon and then come home to finish up more.  😀  Yessiree!  I’m feeling better!  Well, on that note, going to get going and get as far as I can in one day!

 

Going down! The toilet that is! May 8, 2009

Filed under: 2009 — jewlz280 @ 11:25 am

Well, I was correct in that all this ‘weight’ I had gained was only WATER!  I got up and weighed this morning and I am back down to 188.5.  Now, granted, that isn’t my lowest of 184, but it’s getting darn close!  And it’s only 2lbs. from my ‘holding’ weight.  I only saw 184 ONCE but I seem to stick around 186.5.  I’m hoping to break out of that cycle this month and see the 170’s.  That is my goal for this month!

But the last couple of days PHEW!  I feel like I’ve been LIVING in the bathroom!  I drank a TON of water which means I flushed out a ton of water! I actually lost count!  My hubby thought it was hilarious until HE stepped on the scale and saw that he hadn’t lost ANY of his vacation weight.  He got up and decided to have a shake — good choice!  LMAO!  Usually, weight just falls off of him, but I gotta tell you — while I was trying to stay on plan as much as possible, he was eating everything in sight!  I know that he ate like, 3 or 4 brownies in one night and TWO bowls of ice cream!  I had some brownie and ice cream, too, but I had ate on plan all day and even managed OK at dinner.  But he fell right off the wagon and is paying for it now!  But trust me, in just a day or two of being back on track, he’ll drop like, 5lbs.!  Men suck sometimes.

The last couple of days really haven’t been hard.  I found myself wanting off limit stuff this AM, but I think it’s because I’m really tired.  First day back on plan, I had a down day of doing nothing but relaxing after our trip home.  Yesterday, I spent running around at my son’s school, catching up with the other Moms, playing with Bug in the backyard, and picking up and cleaning.  Amazes me how the house can get dirty with no one HERE!  But I think it’s the wrath of getting out the door and coming in that wrecks the house.  But as of last night, other than the living room and laundry, I’ve made great progress in getting things cleaned up.  I should’ve gone to bed instead of cleaning, but I had wanted some time for other things (like playing with my son while he was awake!) instead of cleaning then.  So, I stayed up a bit late and did it.

NOW, I need to get my checkbook balanced, pay bills, update the calendars, and plan this weeks menu.  The Farmer’s Market is open in our area once again and I plan on hitting that up, but not sure what all I will find there.  I’m hoping a LOT!  I’d much rather buy fresh locally grown produce than shipped in stuff.  I mean, I’ll buy at the store if I need to, but I’d much rather support my local economy.  Especially NOW.  Not to mention that last year, the stuff was SO good!  hehehe  Well, guess I better get at it or I’m never going to get it done.  Off to accomplish some things today!

 

Writing a new post May 6, 2009

Filed under: 2009 — jewlz280 @ 4:28 pm

Well, I’m back from vacay and decided to write a new post.  That’s right, VACAY!  After my last post, the hubbs and I talked and decided that we really needed to take a break and get away for a bit.  We were both just FRIED and feeling the crunch and decided that for once, we were going to put us and our needs ahead of what anyone else wanted or needed.  I know that sounds selfish, but that is EXACTLY what we needed right now.  And it was GREAT!  We went to SC to see some friends we haven’t seen in a while.  We’ve missed them so much.  While there, we went to the beach, went out to eat, shopped, etc.  I stuck to low carb for all but 2.5 days and then I am back on the wagon today and doing fine other than being exhausted.  But I AM proud to say that I bought TONS of new clothes (at great deals!) all in L and 14’s!  AWESOME!  I knew that at like, Wal-mart and Goody’s I had been a 14, but had no idea I could wear them in the higher end clothes.  I AM ECSTATIC!  I’m hoping these clothes will last for this summer and if I have to buy more next year, so be it.  But for this year, I think I can make all these shirts work.

Anyways, it was a nice relaxing vacation that was overdue in my book.  And thankfully, these are great friends who are low drama and great to hang with.  We all talked about the drama going on around us and how we were feeling pulled in the middle and how we all thought we could handle it.  Unfortunately, not many ways to deal with it other than to stay out of it.  I try, I really do, but sometimes it’s hard for me to keep my opinion to myself when someone is doing the same ol’ things over and over again and then asks me what I think.  It’s like, don’t ask if you don’t really wanna know!!!  But they always ask and inevitably get upset when you point out what it is they knew they didn’t want to hear.  Like, yeah, you’re being a big baby — grow up, get a job, and stop whining to me about things and then saying that I don’t get it!  I mean, I may be older than you (by only 5yrs!) but I DO remember what it’s like to be in your early 20’s and struggle.  We ALL have been through it!  Get OVER yourself!

Back to the important stuff.  I weighed in this AM at 196.  :O  Yes, I realize that sounds high, but I do NOT travel well!  I love to travel, but I find I don’t eat or drink enough when traveling.  Then I had my cheat day on Sunday night.  MORE travel on Monday and I didn’t eat 100%.  Then yesterday was Cinco de Mayo.  I didn’t take any of the days off totally (which I don’t like to do, I’d rather just have one thing off).  But I will say, yesterday had lots of tequila and cerveza.  OY.  But it was FUN!  So, today I woke up to a REALLY high number, my period, and TONS of BLOAT!  My skin on my hands was swelled up over my ring!!!  I’ve been drinking my water and shakes (640z of water down and it’s only 5PM) like a mad woman!  I swear, I don’t think my toilet has been used this much in ages!  My water bill from drinking and flushing is going to be through the ROOF.  LMAO  But amazingly, the swelling is already moving down.  So, that leads me to believe that given a couple of days, that 196 will be back down in the mid-180’s.

And hopefully, in a few weeks I will be seeing the 170’s.  I am on it people.  I want this!!!!  I had so much fun shopping and seeing my friends and going to the beach without feeling like a WHALE.  It makes me want to continue seeing those numbers go down.  I want to be a healthy and happy weight and be able to maintain it for the rest of my life.  I want to feel good, look good, and not have to worry so much about weight-related health issues.  I wish that after all this time that I had been able to find a way without doing the shakes, but losing at all has been a huge victory for me.  The only way for me is this, and I CAN do it.  I mean, I started this path last July on the 31st.  I hope to be in the low 170’s by then.  I will be VERY happy with a 50lb.+ weight loss at that point.  I will feel like I’m on top of the world!

Well, I guess I should stop rambling.  I’m overall just in a better place today, if somewhat bloated and tired.  But by next week, I hope to start seeing progress down.  I’m keeping track in my notebook and on my calendar — and of course, on here.  I really do need to start getting on the forums some, but I just never seem to get to it!  Maybe I’ll go cruise over on there now.  😉  Toodles!