Yearning for… MYSELF.

Cause I’m not sure who this fat chick is!

On It April 25, 2009

Filed under: 2009 — jewlz280 @ 2:37 pm

Well, after my last post, I kept going, but I wasn’t seeing much change.  And sadly, I’m still not seeing much change!  I’m really thinking I’m going to have to go back to my full on LD with L&G to start seeing some results.  Although, I AM being hard on myself.  I’ve been on it like GLUE the last five or six days, and realize that I probably wasn’t being great before.  But now, I really do need to get it down.  I want to get this weight off, and I don’t see getting that done without going back to what I was doing before.  I can maintain eating, I just can’t seem to lose.  *sigh*  I’m just going to have to go back to what I was doing for MONTHS and just DO IT.  I NEED to see the 170’s!  So, over the last five days, that’s what I’ve been doing and it seems like it’s working.  Although, I can’t tell today because we did a butt ton of walking yesterday out in the heat and I seem to retain when we do that.  So, even though I weighed 187.5 yesterday and then 188 last night, this AM I weighed in at 189.5.  SO, that leads me to believe I am dehydrated and my body is retaining water.  Which is fine — I’m going to try to get in 4 big 32oz. bottles today.  I usually only do 2 or 3.  Going for 4 is a big push, but I need to do it.

UGH.  I’m just feeling so frustrated in so many areas of my life and I know that’s why I’m not making the progress I would like anywhere.  My house is still a shambles from all the work, all my friends are going through really hard times and are unable to be of any kind of support, I’m dealing with some major family issues and some minor financial issues.  I just feel like I’m drowning.  And the thing is, I have no one to help me.  I have no one to really lean on other than my husband, and really, I don’t want to dump everything on him all of the time.  So, I’m carrying the load along and just hoping my back doesn’t break.  All the while, I’m trying really hard to stick to my plan and move forward.  I’m basically putting all of my faith in God’s ability to take care of it all by pushing me where I need to be.  I don’t know what else to do.

So, the one area I have control is food and exercise and it’s what I’ve got to do.  I really want to break through my low of 184, but I’ve been sitting here between 185 and 190 and as high as like, 192 for weeks now.  I just want to keep going and not struggle with everything every day.  But I sabotage myself and allow myself to have things I normally wouldn’t.  That’s why this last week, I’ve been really trying to buckle down.  I did have breakfast today, but I am having a shake now and I will have another before dinner and then instead of any food tonight, I will have a shake for my ‘dessert’.  I need to get back into that habit.  I did that before and ended up changing that over, but I think that was my mistake.  I need that last shake to keep my metabolism going strong.  Breakfast is okay or a snack with food, but I need to do mostly shakes to keep my carb count low enough to lose (and my cals) and then the L&G at dinner.  And that’s what I’m doing.  Although, some days it’s not shake, shake, snack, shake, dinner, shake.  Mostly because it can be difficult when the hubbs is home.  But in order to lose, I’ve got to get over that and push through.

I’m sorry if I sound so down, repetitive, or rambley.  My brain is just mush today and I have no idea how to coordinate my thoughts anymore.  I really should get up from here and knock out a project or two and that would probably help my frame of mind more than anything.  Mostly cause with the house being a wreck, it feels like everything else is a wreck as well.  Which, ironically, is true.  I just don’t know where to begin.  I should probably finish the SECOND coat of paint on the ceiling downstairs, straighten up the bedrooms, and then by the time that was done, it would be time to start dinner.  UGH.  Just finding the motivation to do those things is hard.  I also need to balance the checkbook.  FUN.  I’m just so out of whack — I need a real down day so I can feel normal again!  Only problem is, not sure when I’ll get one of those again.

 

TWO April 9, 2009

Filed under: 2009 — jewlz280 @ 9:14 am

That’s right — TWO posts in TWO days!  Shock of almighty shocks.  LOL

Anyways, just wanted to post that I am already starting to drop some of this built up fluid.  I weighed in at 190 this AM, so I am hoping to be very close to my low by next week.  I’ll probably weigh-in on Thursday or Friday.  I haven’t had any water, yet, this AM, but I’m about to get on it.  I’m actually thinking of trying to paint for a couple of hours before I have to be at the school.  If I get started soon, I could do at least an hour to an hour and a half.  Which would allow me to knock out a big chunk of the celing.  And since that really needs to be done, that’s sounding better and better by the minute!  That alone would be a good amount of exercise!!!!  I need to clean the kitchen and do some laundry, but I could do that later.  While I can, I really should paint!  The sooner I do it, the sooner it’s done!  LOL

Food is going well.  The chocolate shakes are really helping me because when I’m in a hurry (like this morning), I can just grab a shake and go.  But with still doing L&G for major meals, I can really have flexibility.  I don’t want to do all shakes, but having them for when I need them is AWESOME.  I’ve not even had any major cravings or challenges as far as food goes.  Which surprises me since I didn’t eat so well for a couple of days!  Usually, cravings are insane.  But I realize I can control it, so I do.  I really want to drop some more numbers.  I want to be very close to a healthy weight — as close as I can get and maintain without killing myself to be there.  That’s just no way to live.  🙂

I realized the other day that I am the ‘fat friend’.  I always knew it, but it really hit me the other day that I am no longer going to be the ‘really fat friend’.  I may still be heavier than my little group of friends, but it’s going to be by only 10 to 30lbs. (I have some very thin friends!) instead of 50 to 70.  I don’t mind carrying a little extra weight as long as I know I’m eating healthy and getting my exercise, but before, I was just BIG.  Even now with just about 40lbs. down, I see a difference in the way people look at me and treat me, how I feel, and in how I feel I look day to day.  Overall, it’s been a big change.  And even now when my average weight is in the 180’s, I feel good.  I may be heavier, but I’m not huge.  So, it’s a good feeling for me right now.  The scary part is, I didn’t really see how big I was when I was in the 220’s and about to hit the 230’s.  I see now how bad it was and I am VERY glad that I chose to take another whack at it and try to lose this weight.  I almost gave up!  And I am doing it!  Slowly, but doing it.  NONE of my old friends have every seen my weight this low.  So, whether I am in the 150’s or 180’s, it’s going to be a shock for them to see me.  Which is a nice thought.  LOL  It’s always nice to make a good changes and others see it!

Well, I think I’ve rambled on enough.  I really should get my tushy in gear and get downstairs and do some painting.

 

2 Part April 8, 2009

Filed under: 2009 — jewlz280 @ 2:04 pm

Hello dieting world!  Hope everyone is doing great and sticking to their plan!  Why?  Cause I’m not!  :O  I’ve not been horrible, but the whole LD thing has not been at the top of my priority list lately. I’m still doing low carb/low GI, but doing the shakes wasn’t working.  I think I made a bad batch.  I made a pitcher like I normally do (which usually lasts a day or two depending) but in coffee flavor, and I could NOT suck it down.  My husband said he would drink it, but was being so slow.  But until he drank them, I didn’t want to make more and just waste it.  So, I just held off making any more.  Well, it’s been what feels like FOREVER and we finally just wasted them and poured them out.  I can’t keep waiting.  And the truth is, eating for me has been hard because I’ve been wanting my shakes!  Sometimes eating low carb and low GI can get BORING.  Not to mention difficult when you have to be out and about.  I’d really just like to have a yummy chocolate shake and GO.

So, I’m going to make a fresh batch of chocolate shakes today to have for my snacks.  I’m really liking having a ‘real’ breakfast and still doing the L&G dinner.  Although, last night we did have fast food because it was SO late and we were STARVED.  BAD PLANNING!  I think if I had good shakes, I would’ve had one of those and not been so starved.  As it were, we were hectic trying to make a delivery before this storm hit and I was afraid to take the time to MAKE food to eat.  But I’m not going to jump into the shakes full force.  Going to add them back in gradually cause I don’t think I want to go back to them full force.  Just want to use them as fillers to keep my metabolism up.  Why?  Cause I was still maintaining and even slowly losing until this last week.  And I truly think the reason the last week hasn’t been great because of too much salt and too many carbs that even though low GI, were still too much.  But today, going to work on that because I really want to get to a 12!  LOL  And right  now, I’m thinking that I am a good 15lbs. from that — maybe even 20 with my slight trend today of 190.  Which is up 6lbs. from my lowest.

But I am not going to freak.  TOM is here, so I’m not too worried.  I’m going to have a good breakfast today, lots of water, and remember my vitamins.  Going to have a good breakfast with some higher carbs, a shake, lunch, shake, dinner, and then some sort of small snack like the yummy almonds.  😀  Well, that is if I can fit it all in!  That would be like, 6 small meals and most days I’m lucky to get in 5.  The last few days have been like, 3!  So, I’m sure my body is holding right now.  I don’t blame it — I’ve not been great to it!  So, gotta get to doing better and get the rest of this yuck off my body.  I’m back to needing to lose another 35lbs. instead of needing to lose less than 30.  YUCK.  But I will do better this week.  OH!  And I can exercise again!  Our workout room is done and I am also going to start working on training the dogs — alone.  I am going to start really walking them instead of just having outside play time.  They need some EXERCISE and TRAINING!  So, I’m going to take on the challenge.  I need to invest in some majorly yummy dog incentive.  No, not dog treats — that doesn’t work for them.  More like, some hot dog chunks, yummy cheese, or plain baked chicken.  And since they won’t be eating them except for training and that will hopefully be a short time, it won’t hurt them.  We’ve tried actual dog treats, and Cocoa doesn’t seem interested.  Not sure why.  Anyways, I want to start walking them 4x/wk.  That’s 2x for each dog.  I would do more, but with my 3yr. old, that can be a hard task!  So, they will be walked while he is in school during the week, which is 3 days.  The other day I will have to scratch out somewhere!

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Well, I started this post the day before yesterday and I am glad to say that I am back to getting my butt in gear.  I didn’t walk the dog today, but I DID do 30mins. on the treadmill.  I should’ve done the Flexibility training, but I had plans for today, so I was happy to fit in the treadmill.  Now, if I can just get in a few more days like that, I’ll be doing good!  Tomorrow I hope to get in some time, too, but not sure how it will work out because my son has his Easter party tomorrow.  I’m one of the set-up and clean-up people, so not sure how that will go.  I am thinking of mapping out a walk and taking one dog with me in the AM and going from there.  Then I could bring the doggy home, clean-up, and go right back to the school if need be.  I’m going to have to squeeze food in there somewhere — thank goodness my shakes are already mixed up!  I’m on my second one today!  I had one after working out, lunch, and now this is my ‘snack’.  YUMMY!

Well, I should bring this to an end.  Not much else other than weighing in at 192 today, but I know that it’s water — TOM arrived.  So, now I am just waiting it out.  Drinking LOTS of fluids and getting back on the wagon.  Hoping before too long to be back down to 185 and then down to the lower 180’s!  It’ll take some time, but I can do it.  Ugh.  Need to call about ordering my bridesmaids dress!  But that’s a story for another day.  😀