Yearning for… MYSELF.

Cause I’m not sure who this fat chick is!

Hoorah! February 28, 2009

Filed under: 2009 — jewlz280 @ 12:05 am

Hoorah!  I finally hit the 40lbs lost mark!  Yay me!  I had been working on those last two pounds for SO long that I was really starting to think I’d never get there.  My next goal is to get to 176.5 for a 50lb. loss.  I hope it doesn’t take forever, but I’m going to try to stick it out and be patient.

I’m doing pretty good on the exercise — just gotta figure out how to do tomorrow since the hubbs is working and my son doesn’t have school.  I’m thinking I’ll pop on a cartoon, wait until after he’s had his breakfast, and jump on the treadmill.  I just won’t use my MP3 player so I can listen for him.  It makes it harder to ‘get in the zone’ without the music, but I don’t want to take any chances on him needing me for something and not hearing it.  Maybe I can wear one ear bug?  LOL  I just want to find the time.  I also can’t decide if I want to do the flexibility thing again or try one of my other new recordings?  Or maybe I should do a new recording and the flexibility?  Nope — need that treadmill for cardio.

Food is still going well.  Been making big batches of shakes and having doubles in the afternoon.  After working out in the AM, I usually need REAL food so I’ve been having the double shake in the afternoon.  I have a double because here lately, I seem to drink half, get busy, and then end up finishing it like an hour later!  So, guess it’s like lunch and a snack!  LMAO  But I keep breakfast as close to 0 carbs as possible, minimal at lunch and snack in the shakes, and then a more balanced dinner.  My late night snack varies from another shake, to LC ice cream, to some turkey, to nothing.  Just depends on my mood.

Overall, feeling pretty good other than my annoying husband!  I swear, I think he gets PMS worse than ME!  And let me tell you folks, THAT is saying something!!!!  He’s been such a grump today that he is driving me bonkers.  I just can’t STAND it!  However, I tried very hard to be patient and loving, cause that’s how he is with me.  I made it through the day and then really pushed him to go to bed early and get some ‘extra sleep’ when he was really just driving me mad.  LOL  SUCKER!  He went to bed early and I’ve had the nice quiet house to myself.  AHHHH!!!!

Well, going to get off of here, check laundry, do some research, AND take a shower.

 

I Did It!!!! February 23, 2009

Filed under: 2009 — jewlz280 @ 1:12 am

So, today I did it!  I am soooo extremely proud of myself!  What did I do you may ask?  I worked out!  Since starting my weight loss journey, I had mostly focused on the food part of the plan and not really the exercise part.  Part was that I wanted to use it as a way to break a particularly nasty plateau and part of it was so that we could get some remodeling done!  Well, the remodeling is no where near done, but at least I’ve managed to eek out a space for my treadmill. 😀  So, I used it today for a whole 25+mins.  I just happened to have the time and I took advantage!  Then tonight while my son was in the tub and happily playing and generally making a mess (LOL), I decided to drag out my floor mat and do the Flexibility Training I had recorded on the DVR!  My poor body was creaking and popping, but it felt GREAT.  I mean, I knew stretching was good for you, but this made me feel so wonderful!  I am actually looking forward to doing it again.  It incorporated a few yoga/pilates moves, so I think that it will not only help to relieve stress, muscle tension, and give me my flexibility back, but it will also help to strenghten some of those muscles that don’t usually get worked.

Overall, feeling great and feeling like I’m doing great.  I’ve been modifying and tweaking my plan a little, but nothing drastic.  I’m just not being so nit picky but still sticking it.  I don’t want to lose sight of my goals!  However, not really expecting a loss this week since I just started working out again.  Seems like right after I start, my body retains a LOT of water.  So, as long as I maintain, I will be very happy.  😀  I just hope that I start to see changes in the new few weeks in the way my body looks.  Of course I want to see that darn scale move down, but I’d REALLY like to see some not so pretty areas start to tone and shape up.  That’s been the worst about losing weight but not working out — seeing all the stuff get smaller yet slightly saggy!  Xo

Well, it’s after 1AM and I need to get to bed.  Stuff to do tomorrow!

 

Day 3 February 19, 2009

Filed under: 2009 — jewlz280 @ 7:30 pm

I am now on day 3 and I am feeling good!  My realization must’ve been a real ‘Aha!’ moment cause I feel like I’m going down the right path and I already feel like I’m making progress.  I haven’t weighed in yet, but I probably will tomorrow.  I use to use Thursdays as my ‘official’ weigh-in day, but I restarted on a Tuesday, so I’m not sure what to do!  LOL  I may just weigh when I feel like it since I’m not obsessed with the scale anymore.  Doing the whole 30 day challenge of not weighing really helped me to see that obsessing over the day to day numbers is pointless.  I’m more interested in watching the trends and seeing where I’m going.

Yesterday was another good day.  I had the rest of my water protein drink, all my shakes, and then we had Orange Beef with greens for dinner.  Didn’t get in enough water and forgot my vitamins, but all in all not a bad day.  Today has been the same except no protein water — just all shakes, some pepperoni and cheese (yes, just pepperoni slices and 1oz. of cheese!) and we’re having BBQ pulled pork for dinner and a salad.  YUM.

I’ve also decided that come Sunday, I’m getting my big butt back to working out.  I plan on starting out with 20mins. on the treadmill and then some toning exercises.  I’m not exactly sure what my work out goals are, but I want to be doing it.  And I don’t want to get bored.  I have several tapes and DVD’s and I even went ahead and recorded some stuff off of FitTV that looked interesting such as flexibility training.  I also have the treadmill, a cross trainer (a cheap one), weight bands, AND we’ve got a weight bench that we are in the process of finding free weights for.  So, hopefully I can mix it up and do different things.  Maybe I can get in 3 days per week to start off and then move it up and increase the number of days and then the amount of time.  Although, I must admit, about an hour is my max.  Any more than that and I know I won’t stick to it because, well, that’s just too much to me.  I know some people may think that’s not enough, but for me, it is.  I’m trying to be VERY realistic in what I can and WILL do.  And I know that one hour is enough for me.  Although, I can’t say that if I’m in the zone that I may go longer.  I’m just going to make it a point to be active and do some sort of focused exercise as often as possible.

Well, this is all for tonight.  Jumping off of here to wait for the hubbs to get home and look through my tapes while waiting!!!

 

Rough & Resigned. February 18, 2009

Filed under: 2009 — jewlz280 @ 12:02 am

Today has been a rough day.  But I can’t dwell on that — I need to move forward.  So, I will post about other things and only mention that today was extremely rough emotionally, physically, and psychologically.  However, I’ve pushed through and made it to the other side.  HOORAH!

Now, onto the important stuff.  I made my decision on my life plan and my decision is to stick this out for at least 2 more months.  I have enough product for that amount of time, so that’s what I am going to do.  I made the decision, strangely enough, while shopping yesterday.  There I was, standing in front of the mirror looking at myself in some new (and much smaller) clothes and it hit me — I was totally giving up on me!  But, WHY?  Well, the truth is that I think I was giving up out of fear.  Fear of never hitting my goals and being so disappointed.  So much so that I thought, why even bother???  I’m just going to fail and it’s going to suck and I’m going to be upset with me.  How dumb is that???  Why on EARTH did such distructive thoughts and behaviors come into my mind?  I mean, look how far I’ve come already!  I started out at 226.5 and I am currently at 188.  It’s nuts to think that I can’t lose another 20 to 30lbs. if I want to.

After that realization, it hit me that this horrible eating over the last few days was flat out defiance — to myself!  How insane is that?  I was literally stuffing myself with horrid food like a ticked off teenager!  But the moment it hit me what I was doing, my decision was made.  I DO want this and I CAN do this!  And just like that, I’m back in it to win it.  I know it isn’t going to be easy and I’m going to have bad days (like this one!), but with a little faith and trust in myself, I can and will do this.  And damn it, I am SO worth it!  I just can’t believe that what was really stopping me was an internal struggle with ‘can I do it’ and not that I was actually 100% happy with where I was at.  Oh, the mind games we play with ourselves and don’t even realize at times!

So, I made it through today, believe it or not, without much effort — even with all the drama going on.  I had 2 shakes, one protein water, a LC yogurt, a big salad, and wings.  I was probably low on cals, but tomorrow will be better.  I really should’ve had a shake instead of the water even if it IS high in protein because it’s whey protein water and not like that Kelloggs water or whaetever.  I also got in my morning vitamins, two bottles of water, and a hot tea.  But geez, reading this makes it seem like I starved today!  But I really didn’t.  The shakes are VERY filling.  And today, I decided to add cinnamon to my coffee shake and MAN was it GOOD!  So, all in all, a good day for food, a good realization, and a new day welcomed tomorrow.  Hope you all out there are doing great!

 

Back again February 14, 2009

Filed under: 2009 — jewlz280 @ 9:53 pm

So, here I am, typing a blog with nothing in particular to write about.  Just felt like writing.  I’m still pondering the whole diet thing, and I’ve been talking it over with a couple of friends and the hubbs.  The thing is, I just don’t know what to do.  *SIGH*  Decisions are hard.

I’ve counted it up, and I have about 6 cases of almond milk and 5+lbs. of protein powder.  If I do four shakes a day, that is like, 72 days I could do of liquid plus a lean and green dinner.  OR, I could do straight liquid for 48.  That is, if the hubby doesn’t need any.  If he uses them, then it will be less.  So, what to do?  Part of me thinks, man, I could do this and see if I can handle straight liquid, but then part of me feels like that isn’t right.  The other part of me is being awful and saying, I CANNOT do another 2mos. of this!  URGH.  I just don’t know what to do.

My biggest hesitation with ALL liquid is that I will be weaker and cheat.  Not to mention, the fear of ‘re-feeding’.  Meaning, re-introducing food after abstaining for weeks.  Every person I’ve seen do it eventually has issues with the initial weight gain (cause food weighs more than liquid).  And I don’t want to do that.  I’d much rather do the L&G.  Do my weekly weigh-ins, and then focus on eating low carb to maintain and adding that back in a little after that so that I don’t see a sudden JUMP in numbers!  But with the L&G, the weight-loss does seem to be lower and slower.  Which hasn’t been an issue up until now, but I’m just ready to be DONE.  I know, I know — I didn’t get fat overnight and I’m not going to lose it overnight.  But come on, after a while, you just want to maintain, and not be so obsessive about it.

I just need to suck it up and make a decision.  How I’m going to do that, I’m not sure.  But I need to and now is a good time before I go to the grocery store.  No point in loading up on food if I am not going to be eating it!  Even if it’s low carb.  Sure would save us a ton on the grocery bill this go around!  So, I need to decide fairly soon.  But as of right now, I’m leaning toward doing a complete full fast just to do it and get it over with!!!  As I said before, I’m not going to decide now because I want to do this with lots thought, dedication, and positive energy.  And I can’t do that if I rush into it.

Well, I guess that’s all that’s rambling in my brain for now.  I WILL make a decision SOON.

 

Broke down February 13, 2009

Filed under: 2009 — jewlz280 @ 7:20 pm

Well, I broke down and finally weighed.  And my big number is….188.  Big whoop.  I only lost 1.5lbs. in like, a month!  But I guess I shouldn’t bee too surprised.  I mean, afterall, I wasn’t 100% and I didn’t work too hard at it.  And the strange part is, I’m not as upset about it as I thought I would be.  I honestly thought that I would feel like a disappointment if I didn’t lose at least 4lbs.  But in reality, I don’t feel too bad.  I almost feel…. GOOD!  Why?  Well, the thing is, I’ve not been doing my shakes like I should but I HAVE been eating low carb for the most part.  So, truthfully, I’m happy with the 1.5 cause I didn’t gain and I still lost some with real food.

But now the real dilemma begins — where to go from here?  I have a couple of choices.  I can take some time off from the ‘liquid diet’ and continue eating low carb and maintaining and possibly losing more but VERY slowly.  OR, I can buckle down hard core and do this for another 30 to 60 days and land darn near my goal weight.  I just don’t know for sure what I want to do?  I’m really quite sick of this, but at the same time, I’d like to lose some more.  I know I maintain well on low carb/low GI, but I don’t really lose.  Not at a noticeable speed anyways.  So, I feel like I’m at a cross roads.  I don’t mind the weight I’m at, but a healthier weight would be better.  Right now, I’m borderline between the world of the ‘fat’ and the ‘healthy’.  And I don’t like being so close to that line.  But as I mentioned before, I’m sick of the shakes in some aspects.

Ugh.  It’s a tough decision all the way around.  I kinda feel like with doing low carb and finally getting in the exercise, I could lose.  But another part of me is like, that’s bogus and I know it.  The only way I lose is with VERY low carb and low calorie.  I wish I could say I could just buckle down and just do it, but honestly, I just don’t know if I can.  Bleh.  I can, I just don’t want to right now!  Although, I’m going to feel bad about it because I have like, oh, 7 or 8 cases of almond milk sitting downstairs!  I almost feel like I should do it just to keep from wasting that!  LMAO!  I know it sure would save moola on groceries!

I guess I’m going to have to ponder this for a while and just see how I feel.  I just don’t feel like I’m capable of making a 100% commitment to it right now — no matter what the outcome may be.  I think I’m just going to step away from ‘dieting’ for a bit and focus on other things.  No, not forever.  Just for a few days to really think on what it is I want and to re-evaluate my goals.  I want to make this decision for the right reasons.  But if I had to choose right now, I’d say I’m done for a bit.  I just need a break from it.  I’m not choosing now, though.  I’m going to ponder.

 

Should be… February 4, 2009

Filed under: 2009 — jewlz280 @ 1:50 am

I should SO be sleeping right now seeing as how it is almost 2AM.  But for some reason, I can’t!  I don’t know what the deal is, but man, it needs to take a hike!  And it’s even worse that I KNOW I am tired.  I think my body is just too wound up.  Why?  Not sure.  I’ve been sick, super busy helping a friend, and super busy catching up on the house.  I’ve worked my tail off so I should be tired.  But I’m not.  I’m UP.  And wishing I could go to bed and snuggle with the hubby.  I just feel… distracted and AWAKE.

Got back on plan today.  Didn’t eat as much as I should’ve and didn’t record anything, but I know I stayed on plan.  I have felt better, but I’ve felt worse.  Wish TOM would get his ass here so I could be done with it. UGH.  Tomorrow, going to catch up on my food journal and I am thinking I might need to start keeping track of my feelings for the day on each day.  But man, that’s a lot of journaling to keep up with!  I blog here, on MySpace, I keep a home journal, AND now righting down my feelings in my food journal.  UGH.  Maybe I won’t do a whole journal thing, but just updates so I can look back and see what was going on at the time.

I am SOOO ready to weigh.  I am SOOOOO ready to be done with my ‘strict’ plan and get into maintenace, but I FEEL so far away from that.  I’m not sure why?  Maybe because I’ve been doing this since summer and sorta feel like I need a long term break.  But I also want to hit my goal or very close to it.  *sigh*  I guess I just have to stick it out and find a new motivation.  I hate having lack of it right now.  At least I’m pushing through.  I guess tonight I just feel off.  Geez, come on TOM, get here and give this old bod a break!  Makes my hormones NUTS and my thinking all foggy.  HATE IT!!!!

Well, going to go lay down even if I feel like my brain is ‘busy’.  Maybe just the act of laying down will calm me.  G’night.

 

SICK!!!! February 1, 2009

Filed under: 2009 — jewlz280 @ 11:15 am

I have been HORRIBLY sick.  And did I mention I hate being sick???  Cause I do.  I HATE being sick!

I ended up going off plan for the last two days because I just couldn’t choke down the protein shakes, eat meat, or anything really.  I did good to get in some cereal and some other carbs.  YUCK.  WHY is it that is all I can eat when I’m sick????  SO not fair.  BUT, I figure, there has got to be some reason why my body craves carbs when I’m sick.  My husband claims it is because while sick, my body is fighting off whatever it is and needs the extra energy from carbs instead of pulling from my own body.  It doesn’t help with all this stuff draining down my throat that my tummy is VERY unhappy with nothing to absorb it.  YUCK.

So, I am now on day 4 of being sick, but it’s feeling more like day 1 since I am able to eat protein and keep it down.  Days 2 and 3, I just couldn’t.  So, I’m relieved for that.  I am hoping that means I can get back in gear today and flush these carbs out.  Today is the first, so that means my weigh-in is in a mere two weeks away and I don’t want to gain just because of being sick!  I want to see a big drop, but I will be happy with 6lbs.  And at this rate, it won’t happen!  That is, unless I can make it the next few days on plan with the last of this cold.  I have great aspirations that I can do it!  I just completely hate being sick cause it really slows me down.

I do have some concerns over the next few weeks, though.  Mostly, my birthday, our anniversary, Valentine’s, and several of my friends birthdays are coming up.  I’m worried about how to handle it all!  Typically, I have no issues and can just go on — BUT right now I’m concerned because with being sick, I’ve basically carb loaded since that was the only thing I could eat.  Getting back into ketosis is going to be SO hard!  Not to mention, my cycle should start soon, so YEAH.  I’m a little worried.  It helps that I really want this, but at the same time, it sucks that right now, I’ve been off for so much.  Typically, I take like, one meal off per week, not two whole days!  So, I’m sorta feeling the crunch.

I think my plan of action should be to do low carb/low cal. as much as possible and then on the days where I am going out, to focus on the low carb since that what I will do for maintenace anyways.  And since I know where we’re going and what we’re doing, I should be able to make pretty good choices — I love being able to check out menus and nutritional information online!  I am just going to avoid alcohol unless I can find a reasonable drink minus beer.  Not a big beer fan.  Or maybe I’ll just have a diet coke!  LOL  Or sparkling water with lime.  SOMETHING to put in my mouth without all the added crap.  We’ll see.  I’ll plan more once I know of final plans.

Well, I guess this is all for now.  Back to journaling today and keeping track and hoping that my head doesn’t get so clogged it feels like exploding again!  LMAO!