Yearning for… MYSELF.

Cause I’m not sure who this fat chick is!

Wonderings and Wanderings January 23, 2009

Filed under: 2009 — jewlz280 @ 10:57 am

I’ve been wandering around this site and another site I am on frequently ( and wondering about how much I belong on these two sites.  Don’t get me wrong, I’ve had tons of great support.  But I almost feel like at this point in my journey, I don’t know where to go!  Let me explain.

When I first started out on the LD site, I felt I really needed them and their support to get me through.  Even though I wasn’t on the same typical plan and many questioned my method, for the most part they were very supportive.  So, I stayed and I’ve tried to be very supportive of other members.  No matter WHAT program they were doing (there are TONS of LD programs!).  But now, I feel like I’m coming to a cross road.  For me, LD wasn’t about a ‘break’ from food or about getting over a food addiction.  For me, it was simply an easy, really low carb method to get calories in!  Not to mention, I’m kinda lazy and I hated having to be creative with coming up with LC foods.  My worst time of day was morning so usually, I skipped it.  Which in turn would have me STARVING by lunch time.  So, going to shakes was super easy for me because I could easily make it up and then grab-n-go.  A nice side-effect was the break from food because it made me see food a little differently, but I still refuse to see foods in categories of ‘good’ and ‘bad’.  I still see them on a scale of good.

Back to my point, I still haven’t weighed, but I feel as if I have gotten past my 40lb. mark.  I will know for sure on Valentine’s, but until then, NADA.  But my issue is, I don’t know how much I belong on the board.  When I hit the 30lbs., I had started adding back in LC foods like lunch meat, cheese, and berries.  I’m still losing, but I’m not doing as many shakes like I was before.  And since my goal is to lead a low carb lifestyle and not just do this to lose weight, I almost feel like I don’t belong there.

Then there is the issue with HERE.  I’m not sure if this is the right forum for my thoughts and feelings.  Many of my musings and worries that effect me are in no way related to my weight loss journey, but they certainly do affect my mood which DOES relate to my weight loss!  But sometimes, I just need to talk and ramble on about the things that bother me.  Working through those are what has helped me to stay the track instead of reaching for something else or just not caring enough about me.  And with saying that, I worry this isn’t the correct forum and wonder if I should open up a different blog to cover everything and not just, “here’s what I weigh, here’s what I ate, and this is my exercise”.  I realize many people go to OT subjects, but I just don’t know how appropriate it is.

Then there is the last issue of how much do I tell my friends?  I’m pretty darn honest and open with all of my friends.  I became more so when I started this change because a few were shocked that weight was even an issue for me.  Many didn’t believe my start weight of 226.5.  I came right out and told them how I felt and they’ve been as supportive as they can be — none of them have ever had real weight issues but ONE.  And SHE is always complaining that she can’t get to 135 (she’s 148 right now).  Now, don’t get me wrong — I don’t begrudge her dream or goal.  But it drives me batty when we’re talking about something entirely different and she goes into the whole speal about how she’s not losing.  And I feel like many times her compliments are double sided.  Like, “You lost 3lbs. this week?  That’s awesome.  But I’ve not lost anything and I’m feeling frustrated.  WHY can’t I get to the 130’s???”  It’s like, she can celebrate my victories because she’s upset about hers.  Don’t think I’m mean — I am to a certain extent!  LOL  But in this situation this isn’t the only time she does this!  It happens with other matters, too!  And to be honest, I didn’t do that when she first started and I was trying another plan that ended up not working for me.  I was frustrated, but I made it a point to celebrate every pound she lost — which if she loses 2 more pounds will be 50.  It also upsets me when she talks about what a ‘lard ass’ she is at 148.  That irks me because that is my GOAL.  Actually, my goal is the 150’s, but still.  URGH.  It just makes me wonder if I should tell them about a blog or not.  There’s something freeing about ranting out in space.  I guess because I’m still putting it out there and someone is reading it even if people don’t comment.  I read lots of blogs and never comment.  Not sure why.  I just don’t.  Well, maybe if I have something productive to say, but otherwise I just read.

So, that is what is running through my brain.  I guess I should mention that other things in my life are going well.  I feel like with my diet, I am in the ‘zone’.  That’s the great thing about staying on really low carbs to lose — your body gets into Ketosis and you cease to have cravings!  Right now, I remind myself to eat!  But I make sure to get in a good amount of fuel a day.  I’m not doing some crazy low portions or anything.  I just feel like right now, I’m in a good place.  I DO have a GNO (Girls Night Out) coming up, but not sure if I will go or not.  It’s at a bar.  I can resist food, but alcohol… not so much.  So, I think I may avoid it for now.  There will be other GNO’s.  Not that I’m not living life or anything.  😀  I’m still going out to eat and yadda yadda when I want, but I avoid alcohol because it really is a waste of calories.  And since that is their main goal for that night, well, no real point in going if I’m not going for that!  I’ll probably go do a coffee night with the ladies.  I can always drink coffee or hot tea!  YUMMERS.  I just get plain — I don’t need all that added crap.

Well, my mind is still foggy, but I feel somewhat better writing about my worries over the two sites.  Maybe I just think and worry too much?  I’m not sure.  I will think about it today and make a decision.


Feelin’ Good! January 17, 2009

Filed under: 2009 — jewlz280 @ 2:40 pm

I have to admit — here lately, I’ve been feelin’ really good about the whole diet thing!  I mean, I’ve been at this for a while now, so I feel like I am really getting a grip on what works for me and my body.  And let me tell you, low carb is definitely the way for me.  I am still doing my protein shakes and moving right along.  I haven’t weighed in, but I will on Valentine’s Day.  I’ll get to all of that in a moment.

After my last post, I sorta hit a brick wall.  I don’t know what happened, but I did.  Well, I think I sorta know what happened.  See, I suffer from a bit of OCD.  Most of the time, it isn’t an issue, but when I get something in my head that I feel is important, I obsess non-stop over it!  And that’s what I did right after the last post.  Instead of doing my usual thing of looking at the long haul and not the day by day aspects of weight loss (the scale), I got SO wrapped up in the numbers and obsessing that it actually backfired and I gave up!  That is NOT like me at all!  So, needless to say, I fell off of the wagon for a couple of days.  Make that, JUMPED off.  I just couldn’t handle the stress of it.  Then late one night, my hubby and I were talking and it hit me that the reason I was feeling so ‘trapped’ was because once again, I was obsessing over the numbers on the darn scale instead of the journey.  So, in my heart, I feel THAT is the reason why I hit the wall.

For me, changing my mindset has been the hardest part of this trip.  I mean, come on, we all love food!  But it isn’t the food that made us fat.  It’s the way we related to it.  And for me, I’ve come to realize I need a mix of focus and relaxation.  I use another forum that is focused on liquid protein, but I’ve noticed a huge difference between me and many of the other posters — I don’t have a food addiction.  I don’t ‘binge’.  That’s not why I’m doing the liquid protein.  I’m doing it because it’s easy, fast, convenient, and not to mention, YUMMY.  And it isn’t like all I have is shakes!  I know many people do, but I don’t.  As a matter-of-fact, I’m starting to feel it isn’t the right place for me, cause essentially, I consider myself a low-carber.  I still eat cheeses, berries, salads, lean meats, some low-carb items, etc.  I do the shakes to supplement some, but they are not my main source of nutrition.  Back to my point, I don’t seem to be in the same place as a majority of the people there.  Meaning, that I feel I can eat on plan for days, have a night out with the girls, and then be totally on plan the next morning.  An example is, my friends and I have a Girl’s Night Out usually every couple of months.  I typically get up, have a shake, have a snack, have a half shake, dinner, and then go out.  We go out and have drinks (fairly late) and maybe an appetizer.  I can do that, come home, and then be back on plan 100% for days.  Many of the folks on my board say, well, that’s cheating and that’s not on plan.  Well, for me, it IS!!!

Here’s the thing, I feel like if I PLAN to go out and I KNOW that I will be eating ‘not so healthy’ items, it’s fine. Why?  Because I planned for it and had it in moderation.  I NEED this type of thinking because I just can’t see me ruling out all unhealthy foods for life.  Like one woman COMPLETELY gave up pizza even though she’s at goal and says she’ll NEVER eat it again.  To me, this almost seems crazy.  I give kudos to her for doing what’s right for her, but for me, that’s just not doable!  I would like to be able to go out once in a while or have movie night at home and have that food.  Just instead of eating half the pizza, I’ll have a salad and a couple of pieces.  Does anyone else feel this way?  Do you think to truly be healthy and be at your goal that you have to give up all of your favorites and never eat anything ever again that’s not on the ‘right’ side of the list?  To me, it’s just a healthier mindset (for me, anyways) to not block any food and be on plan the majority of the time and then have days that are more lax.  Cause in the end, I think it’s more about the overall picture.  It’s about learning what works for your body, the amounts, and still enjoying life.  Not restricting yourself to the point where you might come to be resentful.  I just want to be able to be eating and living healthy like, 90% of the year and then have that 10% where I have a piece of b-day cake, a nice piece of chocolate, or a glass of wine with my girls.  I WILL NOT give it up.  To me, that’s not living and enjoying life if you are non-stop analyzing food and forcing yourself to never have it.  I get it for weight loss, but once you’ve lost and you go to maintain, shouldn’t you be allowed something once in a while?

Again, I think that’s why I fell and crashed.  Focused on the day to day numbers and not the big pic.  And for me, it was frustrating, humiliating, and downright made me angry.  So, that has why I have made the dedication to not weigh so much.  Weighing day to day didn’t use to bother me, but after my month long challenge, it has become frustrating.  I could weigh weekly, but then that limits me to the time I can ‘live life’.  Meaning, I feel more like cheating instead of staying on plan because I do weigh-in on a certain day, therefore, I could ‘cheat’ the next.  Very damaging thinking.  But with the month wait to weigh, I’m focusing more on what I’m doing in the long haul and not the day to day numbers.  I never realized it would be a good change.  I’ve noticed that my thinking has shifted from focusing on the scale to focusing on the quality and quantity of food, exercise, and other things in my life (good numbers).  And instead of thinking about being off plan, my mind is thinking, WOW — let’s see how many on days I do this month!  And right now, I’m at a good number for me!  And I’m feeling positive.  In my mind, this is reprogramming me to eat healthy and live healthy the majority of the time but know that I can have days that aren’t perfect and it’s okay.  It doesn’t mean I’ve blown everything and failed.  It means I’m learning how to balance.  And man, that is a freedom I can’t even describe to anyone who’s never hit that point.

With all this said, I do have to admit that I am a little worried/excited about my Valentine’s weigh-in.  That annoyingly annoying part of my brain says ‘What if you’ve not lost?  Get on the scale and check and if you haven’t, then you might as well QUIT!’  Well, BAH!  NOT gonna do it.  I made a challenge, I’m going to stick with it.  I’ve been doing this long enough to know that voice isn’t the best influence on me, so I just ignore it and push on.  But I’d REALLY like to see a good loss after one month!  Last time, I saw 7lbs. over a 28 day period.  I thought that was pretty good seeing as how that is a little under 2lbs. a week (1.75/wk).  And that is without exercise!  This time, I’m going from Jan. 2 to Feb. 14. That’s around 6 weeks.  Even though I was off for a couple of days, I was on for 6 before that so I’m not going to hold it against myself.  I’m hoping for a 10(+) loss to bring me down to the 170’s.  From there, I’d be on my last 20 and that’s when I plan on adding in exercise.  I would’ve added it before now, but with the remodel mess, UGH.  Wasn’t going to happen.

On an OT thing, our house is coming along great.  Hopefully I will have my exercise equipment back soon!  I should actually get off of here and start working on the house.  I need to work on at least one project today.  Not sure what it will be, but I need to do it.  Probably should sand the trim in the hallway and get that wiped down and ready to prime.  Can’t do a whole lot with the hubbs on nights and in bed asleep.  But, I might be able to do that.  We’ll see.  I also need to finish up the trim in the two bedrooms, but I am having a HARD time getting the paint to cover well!  And yes, it was primed and all that jazz!  Anyways, on to another week of being in the right mind-set and moving forward!  Good luck to you all out there!