Yearning for… MYSELF.

Cause I’m not sure who this fat chick is!

B-O-R-I-N-G December 26, 2008

Filed under: 2008 — jewlz280 @ 12:18 am

I’ve come the the sad conclusion that I am BORING!  I keep reading all the other blogs and how witty they are and IT suddenly hits me — I’m never going to be a famous writer!  SHIT.  LOL  No, seriously, I’m okay with that.  I guess for me writing about how big my ass is just isn’t all that humorous.  K, that’s a lie — it is!  But still, I’m not witty enough to really make the story read as interesting on ‘paper’ as it really is.  Anyways, on to what’s happening.

We’re finally making progress on our house, which means I am finally back to making some progress on my diet.  Today, I started back adding in my shakes as meal replacements and I am SO glad.  I’ve missed them and I know my body has — even it felt jazzed up today!  I know it’s probably from avoiding all those carbs my body doesn’t seem to like breaking down.  I thought it would be harder, but it has been surprisingly easy.  Maybe it’s because I want it so bad or maybe because it’s so easy.  Not sure which.  All I know is that I’m thankful that I am ready to be back on it.

A couple of days ago, I was feeling some immense guilt, but I know it had more to do with how I ‘should’ feel versus how I really felt.  And that guilt is something I’ve got to let go of — completely.  Food guilt, IMO, is what made me fat in the first place other than the health issues I’ve had.  Why?  Well, the long of it is, I love food.  So, being on ‘diets’ in the past made food a guilty pleasure for me.  Sort of like when you were a teen and your parents said, ‘Don’t do that!’ and it made you want to do it more!  If I was told I couldn’t have a certain food (even if it was MYSELF saying it) I incessantly wanted that food.  So, my goal has been not to label any food as ‘bad’ but to have it more on a scale of good.  For me, carbs have always been at the bottom of that scale but I said they were BAD and OFF LIMITS.  I don’t do that now — I for the most part avoid them, but if I want them, I have them in moderation.  And they are no longer BAD — just not AS good.  I hope this makes sense!  😀

Anyways, my point is that I allowed myself to slip into old habits and thinking over the last few days and it drove me deeper into the pot.  So, getting back on is a relief to me.  I want to continue on my path of positive thinking and not allow myself that negative mindset.  All it does is drive me to a way of eating that is literally INSANE!  And seeing as how I am generally a person of sound mind, that level of insanity just about literally drove me nuts!  LOL  Cause for me, this isn’t just a diet — it’s a change for life.  My very health depends on it.

Speaking of that, I wanted to say that I understand that some people feel that what I am doing isn’t ‘healthy’.  Let me be clear that I am NOT doing the whole liquid protein forever.  For me, this is a tool.  And I think I mentioned before that for me, that I did low carb/low GI long term and maintained easily — I just couldn’t lose anything after my initial loss.  So, it is certainly doable for me.  I know of all the rumors about Oprah and other people doing ‘liquid’ diets failing, but the thing is, she (along with MANY others) have also failed at other diets.  So, don’t blame the diet when each of us that uses these measures is doing it to achieve a goal but we as people somehow fail.  It can happen with any lifestyle and diet change.  If it were easy, everyone would do it!  And if one tried-and-true method worked, there wouldn’t be so many diets!  And I’ve tried MANY as I’m sure almost everyone out there has.  Also, as for the actual nutrition, I take vitamin, mineral, and herbal supplements.  I’ve actually checked my intake against several Dr. recommended brands, and I’m doing just fine.  😀  Also, let’s not forget that being fat in and of itself isn’t healthy.  Then you have to think about the fact that what I was eating to GET fat couldn’t have been very nutritious, either!  Man, I think I think too much!

Well, it’s late here in my neck of the woods and I really should get to bed.  Not that I have any big plans for tomorrow — just more cleaning and trying like heck to get my house put back together!  But, none-the-less, g’night!

 

Making it in Mayhem December 15, 2008

Filed under: 2008 — jewlz280 @ 9:54 pm

So, here I am, dragging on.  I’m not sticking with my diet and I’m not getting exercise.  Ready for my excuses?  Here goes — I made the decision to walk away from my diet for the next couple of weeks.  With the holidays and my home a shambles, I just knew there was no way for me to continue on right now.  So, I’ve given my mind and body the freedom to take this time off.  And you know, I feel good about the decision!  I think it was the right one for now.  But the weird thing is, I find that I miss my healthy food — after only a couple of days, I’m already sick of eating out!

Guess you might be wondering why my home is a shambles.  We’re remodeling.  Not, new fixtures and some paint remodeling, but full out, we have no cabinets and our walls are gone remodeling!  :O  We’ve done all the demo, framing, insulating, and drywalling.  Now come tomorrow AM, we have pros coming in to tape, mud, sand, and prime.  OH, to have this HUGE project done!  In the meantime, life is going to be a MESS.  But alas, no where to work out, no way to cook, and we’re just going to push through this.  If I gain a little, I gain a little — so is life.

But here’s the thing — I choose to not let this be permanent.  In a week’s time, this house will be on it’s way to being put back together, and I will be able to get back to work.  Truth be told, I’ve still not been horrible.  I’ve still been getting in a shake or two and have been eating fairly low carb.  Today was the first day that I ate REALLY badly.  But even then, I had a half of a protein shake for breakfast, chili and chips for lunch, a Mello Yellow, and then pizza for dinner.  Breakfast was normal (well, small, but normal) and I didn’t overeat at lunch.  Really, dinner was the bad thing.  But right now, I’m okay with it.  My house is in mayhem, but I won’t let it stop me — I’m going to make it through this.  In the meantime, I’m not going to beat myself up.  I am going to go day by day and try to make the best of a hard situation.

I guess this is all for now.  The next time I post, I hope to be back in the saddle and on my way to an even healthier me!

 

Blech! December 6, 2008

Filed under: 2008 — jewlz280 @ 2:16 pm

I feel like crap right now.  For some reason, I am having a bout of major nausea!  It must be TOM.  TOM and I are NOT, I repeat, are NOT buddies.  He comes in once a month and royally kicks my ass.  Message to TOM:  Mission Accomplished.

I got to looking at my calendar today and realized I’m actually doing quite all right on my Challenge so far.  I’ve worked out 2 out of 5 of the last few days and I will be working out over the next two days which will put me at 4 out of 7.  Yay me!  I need that.  I need the toning almost as much as the fat loss!  But I am also thinking of adding on deep stretching.  I miss being flexible.  Being fat (and out of shape) makes flexibility a thing of the past.  And you know, I want it back!  I’m at the lowest weight I’ve been in about 7yrs, but at about 189, I’ve still not regained that flexibility.  So, I am thinking adding in stretching would be good for me.

Diet wise, pushing on through even with the nausea.  Although, I’m skipping food until dinner and just having my shakes.  When I feel nauseous, that seems to be the only thing I can get in that doesn’t make me feel worse!  Sometimes, I think the shakes are ‘too easy’.  My husband has been doing this with me, and he is finding it hard to go back to food due to the ease of shakes.  He’s lost aout 22lbs. and only wants to lose about 5 more lbs., but he wanted to start adding in more food.  Well, since we’ve been doing this, he’s finally gotten into the habit of eating regularly.  With shakes, even when it’s busy he can grab it and go where as with food, he has to stop and make something and then needs to sit to eat.  You can’t just grab a salad and go — especially not with his job.  So, he’s finding it hard to get back to eating ‘real’ food.  I finally just told him that he didn’t HAVE to give up the shakes entirely — he just needed to only use them as supplements and not the main staple.  Cause really, this is only a short term thing, not permanent.  But using protein shakes doesn’t have to completely stop just because we are at the end of our weightloss journey’s.  We can still have them on days where we feel like it or where it’s super busy.  It’s just about balance.  I think (and hope) that once I get to my goal weight I will be able to maintain doing low GI or Atkins phase 3 and 4.  I maintained before, I’m pretty sure I can do it again.  It’s just this is the only way I’ve LOST.

I’m thinking of tracking my food on here under a new category simply because my last food journal is almost full.  I have maybe one more week left and I need to either buy a new notebook, or start recording it somewhere else.  I figured I might list that on here and even add another column for my recipes for my protein shakes and some of my favorite foods.  Although, as of right now, I’ve told really no one that I am posting on here.  I frequently post blogs on my MySpace page, but people get tired of me constantly talking about weight-loss and how I feel about it.  I truly believe that unless you’ve dealt with weight issues, you just don’t understand the not only physical aspect, but the very emotional aspect of dieting.  And well, since I’ve gone through the ropes in the past and failed so many times, I think they were just tired of hearing it.  Even if now at this juncture, I am actually making great progress.  Again, I just don’t think they get it.  Heck, I don’t even think my family really ‘gets’ it.

Not to run off the track here, I do have a minor rant.  I am annoyed at my other dieting friends right now.  I feel as if when they stall out, they can’t be supportive.  I’m not asking for a party or anything, just a ‘good job!’.  But I’m not getting that.  Even when I am supportive of their efforts and I’m stalled out.  I have one friend in particular who says things like, “That’s great.  But I am up 2lbs. and I can’t figure out WHY!”  I try to be supportive and ask her to talk about it, but it’s always the same thing.  She is NOT tracking her food or getting her workouts in.  So, after so many of these conversations, I get TIRED of her whining and never trying to be positive.  Not to mention, after a while, it gets draining to keep going over the same issues — watch your food intake and exercise!  Keep in mind, she has no sugar/carb issues or even fat issues.  She can literally watch her calorie intake and drop weight.  She’s just choosing not to right now because her FAT ASS husband calls her ‘the food Nazi’.  Can you hear my eyes rolling?  In my mind, they sound like boulders.  I can’t stand her husband — he is a totally selfish man in more ways than just food.  He is up over 320lbs. now.  She’s a whopping 150.  So he is LITERALLY double her size!  That’s just insane to me!  Thus the sarcasm in the ‘whopping 150’.  I don’t know how she deals.

Well, that’s all for me for now.  I need to get off of here and drag myself into doing something productive.  Not sure what, but something.  I hope I start to relax after blogging on here for a bit — I feel like my writing is pretty stiff right now!  Hopefully, that won’t be the case for long.

~Jewlz~

 

Late

Filed under: 2008 — jewlz280 @ 12:02 am

I know it’s late, but I wanted to go ahead and explain what my diet is.  As I mentioned before, I was doing low carb mixed with a little low GI (Glycemic Index) to lose weight.  Well, it was working, but it was seriously SLOW.  I mean, there were weeks and WEEKS of no weight loss and the weeks where I did lose, they were small (like, half a pound).  So, after the dreaded picture was when I decided to crack down on my diet.  I decided to go as low carb as I could and flat out avoid them.  For me, it was the only option.  And the only way I felt I could do a very low carb diet was to start using protein shakes to supplement.  I wanted to basically stay in phase 1 of Atkins (20g of carbs).

So, I started subbing one meal a day with one shake.  At first, it was just breakfast because, that was always the meal I skipped or ate junk for.  Then, I started replacing lunch once in a while and now, well, I subsist on mostly protein shakes with a couple of healthy meals during the day.  I guess you could basically say I do a liquid diet.  I am even on a liquid diet discussion board that I really enjoy, but so far, I’ve not been able to go FF (full fast).  I mean, I want to lose weight, but I don’t know how much food I am willing to give up.

The great part for me is that I have been doing this and FINALLY losing weight!  I take good vitamin supplements, so no worries on me not getting those in.  And not to sound snide, but at this point, losing weight is healthier for me!  But just to be safe, I plan on doing a check-up in Jan. just to make sure all my blood work is good.  I want to be sure and cover all of my bases.  But to be honest, I feel good about it because I’ve done comparisons between many of the actual liquid diet products, protein shake products, and mine and I’m pretty darn close!  But I should also mention the reason why I make my own is for several reasons:  1) I don’t like soy products.  2) I’m allergic to milk.  3) I can’t use Splenda ‘regularly’.  That’s the gist of it!  So, ‘purchased’ pre-made products won’t work for me.  BUT, I have found a combo that works for me!  And now that I am really losing, I’m feeling good.  After YEARS of not being able to lose on traditional low calorie diets, I know that for me to really lose, my carb content has to be low, calories moderate, protein high, and fat medium (but of GREAT quality).

I realize I can’t do this forever, and quite frankly, I don’t want to.  I am thinking that come January, I will start to add more food in.  BUT, for now, I am pondering doing FF until Christmas.  My only worry is right now, I freely give myself time off.  I don’t believe in being TOO strict, so I allow that time off to indulge in foods I would normally not.  Such as pasta or pastry.  But I don’t binge on it or eat it all day.  I just do one meal which is usually dinner, but we have gone out for a wonderful breakfast before!  🙂  And then there are our GNO’s (Girls Night Out’s) where I do have drinks and dance my tushy off.  But I keep thinking that maybe I should try a full fast just to see what it’s like and maybe drop a few extra pounds to sorta give me a cushion when come January I start adding my ‘real food’ snacks back in.  I mean, I’m 189.5 and doing full fast, I would have the potential to lose a good chunk (maybe even 10lbs.) before January.  If I reached the 170’s, that would only leave me about 25lbs. until my goal weight.  And even though I know that the last 10 or so will be the hardest, I just keep thinking of how wonderful it will be to be there!  But we will see.

I should mention that I also keep a food journal.  I write EVERYTHING in there.  Exercise, food, water, vitamins, and my weight (I only officially weigh on Thursdays).  It’s been VERY helpful in helping me to see what I put in my body and I KNOW it will be the key to maintaining in the future.  But for now, I should go.  I wrote about being ‘down’ earlier, but I suddenly feel a bit lighter and I think I’ll get in a workout before bed.  I do a Challenge every so often and my Challenge for this month is to get in at least 20 days of exercise this month!  So far, not doing great — hoping to make up some time over the next few days!  I NEED to make this a habit.  Thanks for reading!

~Jewlz~

 

Down Day December 5, 2008

Filed under: 2008 — jewlz280 @ 7:48 pm

When my husband first started his job, they would have what is known as ‘down days’.  Basically, it was where the WHOLE plant would be down for the entire day.  Usually, on those down days, they would spend the day updgrading their equipment, making repairs, cleaning and taking inventory.  Well, today was MY down day, but I did NOTHING.  Nothing at ALL.  I just don’t feel like it!  Today, I honestly feel like hitting a local restaurant with a girlfriend or two and enjoying some rather large margaritas.  YES, it has been one of those days.  UGH.

But it isn’t going to happen.  It isn’t even 8 o’clock, and I feel stuck to the couch.  I HAVE stuck to my diet, but I have not worked out or even been happy about being on plan.  Aargh.  WHY do I have to feel so YUCK today???  I mean, I know I have PMS, but geez.  LOL  Yeah, I am definitely being a downer tonight!  I probably shouldn’t even be writing — no need to depress anyone else!  🙂  Not to mention I am still trying to learn how to work this page and tag the blogs I like reading.  Plus, I’ve not even gone into any detail yet about my whole diet plan.  Maybe I should do that now?  Take my mind off of feeling like yuck.  I’ll post that in another blog — something more positive.

 

Hello world! December 4, 2008

Filed under: 2008 — jewlz280 @ 4:32 pm

Well, I like the title they so conveniently gave me, so I’ll just start off by telling a bit about myself.  My name is Julie, but for the good majority of my life, I’ve been called Jewlz.  I am a 28yr. old wife and mother who has had weight issues for the last 7yrs.  AND, since this is sorta the point of this blog, I’ll go into detail on that.

When I was younger, I was always kinda ‘chunkier’ but never really fat.  I was active, played sports, and never dieted.  When I became a teenager, I was worried (like many teen girls) about my looks and began really paying attention to my food.  Then I started working out and got down to about 136lbs.  On my 5’4” hourglass frame, that was REALLY small.  Now, I know in this day and age, most consider smaller to be better.  But I look at old pictures of me and think, NOPE — WAY too thin.  After reaching that weight, I went on Depo (the birth control shot) and immediately gained about 40lbs.  I was SHOCKED and decided that I couldn’t do those.  I just had to stop.  I dropped the weight (and my ex) pretty quick!  LOL

For a few years, my weight leveled off in the 150’s.  I know for many that is too large, but looking back, I looked FANTASTIC!  Even in my wedding pics, I look so healthy and happy.  And I think, THAT is where I want to be again.  Now, on the the part where it gets ugly — literally.

After being married a little over a year, I woke up one day to get dressed and realized, I couldn’t get my shorts on.  I was like, what the heck?  I just wore these a few days ago!  At the time, my hubby was in the military, so I took myself to the base gym to find out what I weighed.  I had gained 8lbs. and was now in the 160’s range.  I was a little annoyed, but not super upset.  I was like, “Okay, it’s time to start watching my food so that 8 doesn’t become 18!”  So, we started eating lower calorie meals and not eating out often.  Which, truth be told we didn’t do much of because at that time, we were BROKE.  SUPER broke!  So, we started in on the sauted veggies, rice, and lean meats with the occasional baked potato.  I also started hitting the gym about 3 times a week.  Nothing crazy — just treadmill and elliptical and target toning.  After a couple of weeks of this, I, once again, got up to get dressed and my clothes didn’t fit.  At this point, I was frustrated and was wondering what I was doing wrong?  I took myself to the gym and weighed again.  Almost a 10lb. gain!  :O  And that was just over a couple weeks.  Long story short, over a period of just a few months, I gained somewhere around 30 to 40lbs.  No matter WHAT I did, those pounds wouldn’t budge.  I was depressed, irritated, and down-right PISSED OFF!  I didn’t know what to do!

I did the only thing I could think of.  I went to the Dr. and told them all the strange things going on with me.  The weight gain, loss of menstrual cycle, weird mood swings, and too many other things to list.  The *bleepity bleeping* Dr.’s said it was ‘mental’ and put me on Prozac and BC’s (birth control).  I said, “NO THANKS!”  I continued to see Dr’s. at military clinics to no avail.  Then, one day, my mother called and said, “I think you have PCOS!  You need to read this article!”

She mailed it to me and sure enough, I had every, single symptom of Poly Cystic Ovarian Syndrome.  TEXTBOOK.  By this point, I was a little over 200lbs. and doing all I could think of to help.  After reading that, I started scouring the internet and finally found out that hey, PCOS is basically an issue of hormones and that one of those hormones deals with SUGAR.  My blood sugar had always been strange, but in my mind, this confirmed it.  I immediately went BACK to another Dr. who FINALLY diagnosed me in 2003.  After that, I thought, this is it.  I can fight this and I’ve been fighting the good fight since.  In 2004, I finally got pregnant and delivered a son in 2005.  I achieved this by going on the Atkins Low Carb diet and losing weight and keeping my sugar under control.

But, alas, after having my son, I was now up to a whopping 226.5lbs.  My largest EVER.  I saw a pic of myself on my son’s 3rd b-day and it was a wake up call — I NEEDED to get back to a low carb lifestyle.  I started making those changes earlier in the year when I was at my top weight, but that pic really kicked my butt and told me I had to do better.  I was losing with just low carb and low GI eating, but it was SLOW.  So, come July 31st, I decided to start doing low carbing hard core.  I’m on my way now and have gotten to 189.5 to 190 as of my last weigh-in.  I weigh-in every Thursday.

Well, I’m going to bring this very LONG blog to an end now.  I will go into more depth on my diet and progress another time — don’t wanna burn you out all at once!  😉

~Jewlz~