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I’m the conductor and this is my choo choo!

I missed a day because Tuesday was absolutely awful in the way of my sleep schedule. I had an eye appointment at noon, and I’ve been staying up till like, 6, so I figured, what they hey? I’ll just all-night it. Well, no. I passed out at 8:30 and woke up at 11:45. Whoops. On top of that, this douche bag doctor is pulling the same shit he pulled a couple of years ago, which was the reason I stopped going to see him. But he’s covered under my insurance, so since I don’t have the money to go to Wal-Mart right now, it’s him or nothing. And right now, it sounds like nothing, because he is INSISTING once again that the contacts I’ve been wearing for two years don’t fit me. Really? Because they feel fine to me. Actually, they feel more than fine, because I can’t feel them at all. And I can see perfectly fine. But I have a feeling he is going to refuse to write me a prescription for the contacts, and that just pisses me off to no end.

But anyhow. Aside from the terrible doctors appointment, the week has started out pretty good. Actually, I’m really looking forward to tomorrow. First thing in the morning (my morning, anyways), my best friend and I are going to the girly store to buy ourselves some treats. Maybe that’ll perk me up. Yes? Yes. I need it after the total reality check I had like twenty minutes ago. I made the mistake of trying on clothes to decide what outfit to wear tomorrow. And oh fricken boy, 90% of my clothes don’t fit me. Yeah. It’s pretty amazing how much 10lbs really means on me. The difference between 169 and 179 looks, feels, and takes up the same space as 100lbs. To say it was a huge disappointment would be an understatement. But you know, I needed the reality check. And that gave me the idea for my third step in my 12-but-not-really-12 step process. I’m going to list some positive things about gaining some weight back. Not in a “I’m glad the weight is back on” sort of way, but rather what I have learned from my mistakes. And just some all around positive things to keep me on track, because I can’t let this disappointment with the clothes derail me. I have to turn a bummer night into motivation because if I don’t keep myself optimistic about this, then no one will.

Optimism at it’s finest:

1. I’m glad I gained the weight back, because it has really shown me just how amazing my weight loss was to begin with. Compared to other people’s losses of 100+, I never really saw 65lbs as being that much. Sure I looked and felt better about myself, and people always told me that 65 was a lot of weight, but I didn’t really GET it. To me, I was just like “yeah 65, but I could do better”. Now with gaining the 10-15lbs back, I’m like holy shit. What a huge difference just 10 little pounds makes, and I can’t believe I lost that 6 different times! I realize now how strong I was to lose 65lbs. How incredibly fluffin HARD I worked. And now, I will never take one single pound for granted.

2. On that same note, I’m happy I gained some weight back, so now I know the gravity of devestation it makes me feel. I always made little promises to myself when I broke a new record. Like when I got into the 170s I told myself “I will never see 180-anthing ever again.” But as glad I was to be away from the number, I never knew how much it would hurt to see it again. Now that I know how it feels to gain, every pound I put between me and these numbers I loathe will be precious. I will KNOW how bad, how awful, how disappointed I feel when I take such a huge step backwards that I will be more motivated never to go back again.

3. I can still do it. I’m NOT floundering. I’m NOT incapable. Yeah, I may not be at my best right now, I may not be the lowest I have ever been, but I still have the ability to do the things I used to do. I ran a mile today. That’s more than a lot of people smaller, and bigger than me can say. I’m working, I’m doing it. I just have to remember that it takes time. I’m not going to see 169 for a while, but I WILL SEE IT AGAIN. I WILL. I WILL. I WILL. I’m NOT giving up. I HAVEN’T given up. I have gone to the gym every. single. day. So don’t give up me, give it time, because you’re working. You are doing what you are supposed, and you will get there. Just hold tight.

4. These are my own standards. Remember that not everyone sees you the way YOU see you. On an earlier post, goodnuff said “you’ll be hardpressed to find anyone who thinks you need to lose more weight”. This might have been a bit of an exaggeration, but it holds a grain of truth. I weigh 176lbs. It is said. I’m not happy with it, but is it bad? No. At one time, 176 made me happy, because I had never seen it before. Because I started out at 234lbs. Two hundred and thirty four. I was heavier than contestants on The Biggest Loser. I was unhealthy, I was sad. 176 is a looooong way from 234. Does it suck to be back here when I used to be 169? Yeah. BUT the only reason I am so frustrated is because I personally am not happy with where I’m at. Because I feel like I can do better. These are bars I set for myself. No one else. No one is saying “you’re fat”, “you’re ugly”. Maybe I’m hard on myself, but that’s okay. It’s okay. But just remember, 176 isn’t terrible. A lot of people would love to be where I am at RIGHT THIS VERY MOMENT. So stop feeling like it’s so damn bad!

5. You want motivation? (Again, a goodnuffy thing.) goodnuff posted a video on her blog called “the fat rant” or something of the like. Well, I watched the video, and while it’s all well and good, and being fat is okay and junk, I had to disagree with her. Being fat isn’t for everyone. Yeah, I believe that big is beautiful, but if you feel like you aren’t doing your best, then there’s nothing wrong with that either. I understand that she’s trying to make a lot of self-conscious girls out their feel more comfortable with their bodies, and that is fabulous. But I remember a long time ago when I was still in high school, I was complaining to an old friend of mine about myself. I was saying how unhappy I was with the way I looked, and she said, “Then change it.” I know that at some point, I WILL be happy with myself. And I’m not there yet. So I’m not going to stop till I get there.

But something else about “the fat rant” caught my attention. The narrator was giving statistics about people who lose weight. She said something along the lines of 90-100% of people who loses large amounts of weight will gain it back within the first 3 years. More or less she was saying that the success rate of losing weight and keeping it off is nonexistent. Do I disagree with her? Maybe. But instead of saying “that bitch is overexaggerating and a giant lying cow”, I’m going to make a challenge instead:

I’m going to be the .0000001% that succeeds.


2 Responses so far »

  1. 1

    goodnuff said,

    December 24, 2011 @ 11:16 am

    Guh, I thought I commented on this post…oops! I love that you are taking time to think about how you are going to get re-started, which it looks like you have done a bang up job of…grats on the mile and going to the gym.
    That whole saying about not knowing what you have until it is gone fits perfectly here. You can’t appreciate something if. you don’t acknowledge how far you came from where you have been. We let the fluffin’ scale rule our lives. We tell ourselves that because we weigh “x” we can’t….fill in the blank…and it is BS. We can do whatever we put our minds to and will only get better at it the more we do it, like walking that mile.
    I have a hard time personally subscribing to FA, Fat Acceptance. I see other big women and I don’t think, “Lazy, fat slob” but that’s how I think strangers see me. And, I am not okay with me. Not because I’m fat but because I’m not living the way I want to be living. I want to eat healthy and be active so that feel good. I’m having more days where that feels like the truth to me than I’ve had in years but I want to get to the point where that is the truth most of the time. And if I do, I mean when I do, if I’m still fat than ‘eff it, I’ll be fat and happy and healthy.
    Unfortunately, I believe her statistics are pretty accurate for people who lose >75 pounds. I just declared at my WW meeting on Thursday that I will be in the minority than. It may take me ten years to get there but I will get there. If for some reason I die it’ll still be ten years before my body decomposes enough to have a normal BMI…yep, that is where my mind just went. Good thing I want to be cremated.
    On that note, have yourself a merry little Christmas!

  2. 2

    didibuttonsley said,

    January 3, 2012 @ 7:28 am

    I watched that rant too. Some of it was ok, and some of it was meh. Every person has a different natural body size, and I do believe in that. However, the percentage of seriously obese Americans increases every year and that isn’t normal. It is cool to be accepting, and I wish more people knew that “normal weight” actually ranges all the way up to a size 18 depending on the person… but she shouldn’t have made weight loss seem like a pointless endeavor. I think people regain weight because they have neglected to actually solve the underlying problems that lead to their eventual obesity. I DO NOT think that it is because they are all just supposed to be fatties.
    While I cannot say that I myself am happy that I regained my lost weight after four years of maintaining (without any sort of dieting at all), I now know that I NEEDED to regain the weight so that I could learn to truly love and appreciate who I am as a person.
    I am rambling again.
    Ah, me.

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