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First Snowfall

It’s been 2 months since my last post, which I am SUPER sorry about! But there has been so much going on in my life. I’ve been trying to keep up with school, I had to get through the biggest anime convention in Michigan, and I’ve been planning for cons next year. My great grandma passed away two weeks ago, so I had to get through the funeral. I’ve also taken up sewing (I haven’t actually sewn anything yet, but I’m trying to get into, so we’ll see how that goes). Not to mention my “love” life has transformed and exploded all over the place, so I’m trying to come to terms with that. So I guess that’s where I’ll start, since it is sort of the pivotal point that has inspired me to get back in touch with my athletic side.

Well, about a month ago I went in to get my bellybutton pierced (it is super cute, but I don’t think my body is responding well to the metal. They do take anywhere from 6 months- a year to heal, but it is coming along poorly). Anyhoodles, after it got done I told my piercer (piercist?) Josh that I was going to hang out at the shop for maybe ten or fifteen minutes just to see if I got lightheaded at all, and wait for it to pass so that I wouldn’t have any driving misshaps. Well, we sat around and talked for a pretty good while, and he was very forward with his advances. To be completely honest, I’m just not familiar with that. Seeing as how I spent my entire life with very poor body image, and frankly, I wasn’t the most attractive person when I was larger, mostly because I didn’t treat myself as such, and didn’t carry myself with confidence. But since my weight loss, I have been getting a lot more attention from guys, and I didn’t know how I felt about it. I already knew that I wasn’t a very sexual creature, asexual to be exact. And if you’re unfamiliar with the orientation, I would look into it, because it really isn’t as well-known as it should be.

Although Josh is a great guy, and a good friend of mine, I wasn’t able to respond to him in that sense. But it did bring up a lot of personal questions that I needed to reflect on. I think the whole “boy factor” was feeding into this vast expanse of anxieties that seemed to come at me at once. I think school stress played a part, as well as irritation caused by friends, and a lack of personal freetime. For a while there I was just sort of floundering in my own little world. It wasn’t detrimental physically, but mentally I felt like I’d reached some sort of breaking point. I think it showed in my interactions with people, because I found myself blowing up at everyone, for no good reasons. I would snap at them or just start yelling and it would get carried away to the point where I’d later feel guilty about it. But I was just constantly angry all the time, and I rarely settled down. It was just this constant stream of pissed off that I couldn’t break.

To add to that, I met another guy, Matt, who was even more forward with his come ons than Josh had been. I think that I had a great deal more response to Matt, but there was still this wall of indifference and unknowing. I was very uncertain in my actions and what I was allowing him to do, and I didn’t know whether or not I enjoyed the attention or resented it. After my first meeting with Matt ended on a awkward note, I was very, very nervous about meeting with him again one-on-one. I was able to push off our next meeting for maybe two or three weeks, during which he showed a lot of– what I believed to be– genuine emotions, and he tried (almost desperately) to win my favor. This all culminated this past Monday when he came to campus to see me. We ended up talking for a long time, one thing lead to another and yeah. Think we get the picture.

The day after I was in pretty decent spirits. I woke up with a go-getting attitude and ended up going out on my bike and making much healthier choices food wise. It wasn’t a bad day, it just sort of was. I think I was more hopeful than anything. I made the rounds and told the people closest to me what had happened, with the exception of my sissy who is proving to be quite difficult and is a little more judgmental. But my two best friends and my mom have supported me and the decision. I was actually looking forward to Wednesday, when Matt and I were supposed to get together again.

Well, Wednesday morning rolled around and I got the text that said he couldn’t make it that night, and it all sort of came to a halt. I think I have a lot of insecurities about the whole thing. I expected him to just walk away afterwards, and you know, it wouldn’t come as a shock to me, but I can’t help but be really mad about it. It’s not that it makes me sad. I mean, I would be hurt if that was the case, if he is really just a hit it and quit it type of guy, but instead of crying I’ve always been the type of person who just gets flaming angry and pissed. So now I’m using exercise as a way of venting those angry feelings. Because I just have to do something.

I don’t know if I’m just overreacting, or what. I’m giving it time and letting him be the one to get in touch with me. But if that doesn’t happen, well, we’ll see. I guess that would certainly ruin things.

All of you gals are much more experienced than I am, so maybe some advice or words of wisdom might help.

What I do know is that I think I’m back in action on my health front. I find solace and comfort in that lifestyle, and I need some escape from the stress and the anxiety and that’s the only way I can think of to do it. I mean, I was a triathlete. Embracing that powerful part of me is the only way that I can be in control of some part of my life right now. So I’ve just got to get back on track.

This mornnig I woke up (no texts from Matt) and decided to go out for a run. I was going to just do a quarter mile of walking and then running for maybe ten or fifteen minutes, but I ended up running the full mile. When I got back to my house, it had just started to snow. I remember how positive and strong I used to feel when I was athletically engaged, and I’m trying to get back to that place. I just hope you girls are still out there with me!


3 Responses so far »

  1. 1

    goodnuff said,

    November 17, 2011 @ 9:33 pm

    I’m so happy to see a post from you. I meesed you! I have one chapter left in 2011. I’ll be sad to be done with it and am still really hoping it is made into a movie someday!
    Sorry to hear that you are stressed. I don’t know that I have any advice to give you on men, or sex, that you haven’t heard already. But I will say, I was smiling to myself when I read that you are coping with all of this through activity. that is awesome! I know it must be hard to navigate your choices when it is all so new to you. All of the new found attention you are receiving because of the confidence you have gained must be intimidating. The only things I have to say are; it is a choice. Don’t feel pressured into doing something that makes you uncomfortable. You get to call the shots. There are plenty of people who are asexual and perfectly happy with it. Just because you think it is expected of you or because you think it is the “normal” thing to do, doesn’t mean you have to do it. And, in all of my years of being surrounded by women at work and in my family there is one thing I have learned; women are rarely capable of having a no strings attached sexual encounter without feeling mindfucked. So unless you are feeling it in your heart, and groin, be extremely careful. You don’t want that hot little bod to mess up your head!

  2. 2

    jewlz280 said,

    November 20, 2011 @ 6:44 pm

    Honestly, no idea on the man front. Men and sex are confusing. Many guys just want one thing and then walk away. Other guys really do want more. So, it’s hard to know…. I wish I had more advice! I’m sorry! I do think it’s good that you’re working through it by taking better care of yourself. That’s all you can do is take care of you and make better choices in the future. Because really, it has to be about what you want. And if you really feel that you are asexual, a relationship needs to be more than sex for you. I know you said you guys spent a long time talking, so maybe you felt like it was just the next logical step to make him happy. I’m not sure. But maybe in the future you will just have to be honest with whoever and tell them that isn’t how you want your relationship to go and that it has to factor in later and not in the beginning. That way if you DO decide to get sexual, it’s based on a relationship that has a foundation of friendship and trust.

    I hope this has helped some and I am SO happy to see you back! I really hope you don’t wait so long to write again. BTW, so very sorry to hear about your Great Grandma. We’ve had a couple of deaths in the family the last few months so it’s been weird. I know it’s life, but sometimes it’s just hard to deal with. Stay strong and keep moving forward.

  3. 3

    didibuttonsley said,

    December 1, 2011 @ 3:30 am

    I have had tons of sex partners. I liked a lot of them, some were douche bags, and some I probably wouldn’t recognize if I passed them in an isle at Walgreens. I never wanted to be with any of them, however. Not even the ones that I dated. When I was young I was experimental and curious, but just kept drifting. In my heart I knew they weren’t really for me- it was just some inner knowing. I spent ten years doing that, and then I decided that I wanted something more, and that I was going to wait around until I found it. I stopped having sex for over a year. I started this blog and decided to focus on myself: who was I, what did I want from myself, what kind of person would compliment me the best… I wanted to know all of that before I ever dropped my skirts again. I really enjoyed sex, but began longing for a true partner in crime.
    I think I am telling you all of this because we have a lot in common. Right after highschool I lost forty pounds, and was suddenly surrounded by interested males. At first I was indifferent, and then I was curious, and then I was a bloody addict. But I ended up doing stupid things for stupid reasons.
    If you think that a guy is just into you for the sex, he isn’t worth a minute of your damn time. You shouldn’t hang around people who don’t value you, because in the end you WILL end up feeling shitty about it. Sex confuses emotions- especially good sex. You have all of this talent and beauty, and you don’t have to share it with bums who don’t appreciate its value. Sleeping with somebody will not make them like you more, or respect you, and you don’t owe it to anybody. I have had plenty of experiences with positive-no-strings-sex, but also have had plenty of encounters that irritated and/or upset me. Just spend a little time figuring out what works FOR YOU, and be patient with yourself. Ask yourself if you truly even want a partner right now.
    For the first time in my life I have a partner that completely meshes with me. We watch anime together, play video games, go on mini adventures, laugh at each other constantly, and make purple pancakes in the morning. We are all retarded for each other, and there isn’t a bunch of anger, jealousy, or fighting going on. He sees me. He doesn’t want me to be somebody or something else. I am just me, and he thinks it is awesome.
    If you decide that you want a person like that around- such creatures exist!!! And if there are other priorities that take precedence over a love match, then focus on those and don’t let anybody tell you that you should be seeking partners.
    hope all my rambling helped…

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