I am FREAKING out!

Hello all!  I apologize that this is the post that I do after such a long hiatus, but I felt like I needed to vent, so here goes nothing.

I am so frustrated!  I want to be thin.  I want to be healthy.  I am working hard and seeing very few results.  I’ve been watching the Biggest Loser and while it usually makes me want to workout, last night I watched it and it only made me burst into tears.  What the heck is going on?!

I just feel so alone.  I’ve had people ask me about losing weight.  I’ve had them tell me I look good… why don’t I buy any of it?  I can’t see it in the mirror.  I know my clothes are loose, but I still can’t see it.  What is wrong with me?  I have been stuck at about the same weight for SO long… is that why?  I just feel like giving up.  Perhaps I need something to focus on other than the number on the scale.

I started taking vitamins.  I absolutely refuse to take diet pills.  I don’t want any reason that I lost weight other than my hard work.  My whole goal from the last year (June 12, 2008, I weighed 204 pounds) was to weigh 154 by my 33rd birthday (June 12, 2009).  I’m afraid I’m not going to make it.  It’s heartbreaking.  I have 35 pounds to lose in 2 ½ months.  I’ve only lost 10 pounds since last November?!  I am in full freak out mode.  Why can I watch Biggest Loser and they all do so well, even the chicky that came back from being at home…. And I stink at it?!

I have looked for positive proof of my effort and all I could come up with is a Health Risk Analysis that I had done for work on 11/19/2008.  I thought I would post them, so I could see a difference.  I have to go for blood work sometime this week, so maybe I’ll see a difference soon.   The results of my work analysis were:

DATE – 11/19/2008

Height – 5’3″

Weight – 189

BMI – 33.5

Blood Pressure – 114/74 (Normal < 120/80)

Blood Sugar – 85 (Normal < 60-99)

Total Cholesterol – 181 (Desirable < 200)

HDL (Good) Cholesterol – 48 (Desirable is 40-59)

LDL (Bad) Cholesterol – 103 (Near Optimal 100-129)

Triglycerides – 145 (Normal < 150)

While I am within the normal range for all but Weight/BMI (imagine that), I want to make sure that I am as healthy as I can be.  I have a history of heart disease and diabetes in my family and I don’t want to risk it.  I had an uncle who lost his sight (and eventually died) from the effects of diabetes.  He even tried hard to take care of himself!  It is terrifying!

It looks like I need to increase my good cholesterol and lower my bad.  I’ve been trying to eat things and lose weight to make that happen, but it is SO HARD!  I got on the scale today and my weight is 179.  10 pounds in 4 months!  Are you kidding?!  I have been working my butt off!

I decided that running would help me burn calories, so I started running 3 miles per day (or as much of the 3 miles as I could) two weeks ago.  Since then, my weight has merely fluctuated… I haven’t lost ANYTHING.  I am trying to drink nothing but water and eat fresh foods.  OMG…. I can’t take it anymore.

What am I doing wrong?  Why isn’t this working?

Well – One good thing is that I haven’t given up.  At least not yet.  I’ve been at this for more than a year and I haven’t given up.  Maybe that’s the only thing I have going for me right now.

2 Responses to “I am FREAKING out!”

  1. So glad to see you back although I’m so sorry that you’re struggling. I think we all go through periods like this and like you said, the fact that you haven’t given up is a tribute to you. It will be interesting to get the updated blood work back, I’m hope it’s motivating.

    One thing I switched to a while ago is focusing more on my behavior than pounds lost/gained, that’s when I started my workout goal. I can’t control what the scale says, at least not completely. But I can control if I choose to workout. Once I mastered that then I added in some behaviors regarding food which I’m still trying to conquer. For me, it has definitely been slow and steady but all I know is that I will eventually reach my goal, even if it takes me 10 years.

    Keep writing, we’re here for you.

  2. You are so right. It may take me 10 years too.

    Maybe I’ve really got this thing “down” this time. Every other time I’ve attempted to lose weight, I’ve given up. I don’t know what is different about this time, but I just can’t give up.

    It’s all about behavior and the giving up thing has changed. It’s not to say I don’t feel like giving up, but its easier to charge ahead than it used to be.

    Thanks for the comment, I needed it. 🙂

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