One Day at a Time……..

Posted by gum232 on August 17th, 2015 |Filed Under ME | Leave a Comment

My deepest most sincere apologies for not being there for you, much less for my self for some time.  I have not written in a “weigh” too long. It’s been really hard to get in the mood to write not wanting to complain about my personal life and failed marriage of 22 years and the struggles I’ve endured.  I have been going through a divorce which brings up loads of problems, questions and doubts. For the majority of time I stick to eating what I know I need to yet have “allowed” myself some “comfort” foods, munching and even a few binges throughout the last year.  It has not been easy through this transition by any means.  The only way I have kept any sanity whatsoever is to pray fervently and not give up on God because I know he won’t ever give up on me. I truly cannot imagine trying to do this without God.

There have been many crying sessions in my chosen solitude.  I have tried to hide my broken heart and sadness from my teenage daughters only letting it show a few times.  I don’t want to seem weak and put on a face a lot.  I hate doing that and am quite unsure if I don’t need to just let them see me so miserable and distraught.  I feel as though I’ve been hit by a truck some days.  It’s hard to get up out of bed to face the world.  It’s miserable to go to bed alone, especially when the girls are with him (week on/off – yes I hate that arrangement for so many reasons), and can only either cry myself to sleep or pray till God gives me comfort and peace.

Yes I am the one who moved out but I was lead to no other option to retain any level of sanity or worth.  The mental, emotional, spiritual, sexual and physical abuse had to stop and removing myself from the danger and hurt was the only way.  I should have gotten out a decade ago but didn’t have the ability or mentality to do so, suppose I didn’t now either but it’s done.  One day at a time……  The future is full of unknowns.  How will the girls ultimately adjust and deal with the way they were raised? I pray that they will value themselves enough to not want a marriage like they witnesses.  Is God preparing me to be the perfect someone to complete someone else? It’s all in God’s timing not my own. It would be such a blessing to have a God-fearing man show my daughters through example how I should have been treated, as well as for me to reciprocate the admiration, which was made impossible for me to do under the circumstances.

The road ahead is still rocky not knowing what the morrow will bring yet I am moving forward. I have no other choice. The road behind has burnt bridges I will not cross ever again.  It has countless lessons and tests, with some failed and others passed.  There are memories that will become faint over time like a billboard blurred on the interstate.  Obviously the relationship was fruitful which produced two wonderful daughters.  It’s incredible how different they are.  The oldest is more like him and often resembles living with him when she’s with me via the disrespect and general consideration that I have feelings. It breaks my heart how many times I have heard “I hate you.” I try my best to respond with “I love you.”  I don’t “need” her leadership skills (through opportunities I encouraged) near as much as he does and her pity towards him has lead her into somewhat of a “wifely” position.  That’s not right.  As for the youngest she is more like the real me that I actually get to be now.  She’s full of life and love, creative and talented and is smart enough to make her own calculations and conclusions about the marriage and how he is and how he treats her.  I pray so much for both of them.  It’s taken a long time to get here but I often pray for him too.  Love your enemies…..  Not easy to do.

I am a survivor of morbid obesity.  I am a survivor of abuse.  I am a daughter of God.

Slowly but surely I am trying to remember who I am, or at least the parts I liked, create a new me and include God in most of my decisions throughout the day.  I’ll never give up on trying to be healthy to keep my temple healthy.  The question was posed numerous times as to why I wanted to lose weight.  The answer was the same old responses for health, etc.  Until one day this acquaintance kept prying and I said it out loud for the first time….. I didn’t want to die and leave the girls alone with him.  It was a realization and proclamation that I verbally said what my heart knew all along.  With God’s love….I am doing it for me.


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