One Day at a Time……..

Posted by gum232 on August 17th, 2015 |Filed Under ME | Leave a Comment

My deepest most sincere apologies for not being there for you, much less for my self for some time.  I have not written in a “weigh” too long. It’s been really hard to get in the mood to write not wanting to complain about my personal life and failed marriage of 22 years and the struggles I’ve endured.  I have been going through a divorce which brings up loads of problems, questions and doubts. For the majority of time I stick to eating what I know I need to yet have “allowed” myself some “comfort” foods, munching and even a few binges throughout the last year.  It has not been easy through this transition by any means.  The only way I have kept any sanity whatsoever is to pray fervently and not give up on God because I know he won’t ever give up on me. I truly cannot imagine trying to do this without God.

There have been many crying sessions in my chosen solitude.  I have tried to hide my broken heart and sadness from my teenage daughters only letting it show a few times.  I don’t want to seem weak and put on a face a lot.  I hate doing that and am quite unsure if I don’t need to just let them see me so miserable and distraught.  I feel as though I’ve been hit by a truck some days.  It’s hard to get up out of bed to face the world.  It’s miserable to go to bed alone, especially when the girls are with him (week on/off – yes I hate that arrangement for so many reasons), and can only either cry myself to sleep or pray till God gives me comfort and peace.

Yes I am the one who moved out but I was lead to no other option to retain any level of sanity or worth.  The mental, emotional, spiritual, sexual and physical abuse had to stop and removing myself from the danger and hurt was the only way.  I should have gotten out a decade ago but didn’t have the ability or mentality to do so, suppose I didn’t now either but it’s done.  One day at a time……  The future is full of unknowns.  How will the girls ultimately adjust and deal with the way they were raised? I pray that they will value themselves enough to not want a marriage like they witnesses.  Is God preparing me to be the perfect someone to complete someone else? It’s all in God’s timing not my own. It would be such a blessing to have a God-fearing man show my daughters through example how I should have been treated, as well as for me to reciprocate the admiration, which was made impossible for me to do under the circumstances.

The road ahead is still rocky not knowing what the morrow will bring yet I am moving forward. I have no other choice. The road behind has burnt bridges I will not cross ever again.  It has countless lessons and tests, with some failed and others passed.  There are memories that will become faint over time like a billboard blurred on the interstate.  Obviously the relationship was fruitful which produced two wonderful daughters.  It’s incredible how different they are.  The oldest is more like him and often resembles living with him when she’s with me via the disrespect and general consideration that I have feelings. It breaks my heart how many times I have heard “I hate you.” I try my best to respond with “I love you.”  I don’t “need” her leadership skills (through opportunities I encouraged) near as much as he does and her pity towards him has lead her into somewhat of a “wifely” position.  That’s not right.  As for the youngest she is more like the real me that I actually get to be now.  She’s full of life and love, creative and talented and is smart enough to make her own calculations and conclusions about the marriage and how he is and how he treats her.  I pray so much for both of them.  It’s taken a long time to get here but I often pray for him too.  Love your enemies…..  Not easy to do.

I am a survivor of morbid obesity.  I am a survivor of abuse.  I am a daughter of God.

Slowly but surely I am trying to remember who I am, or at least the parts I liked, create a new me and include God in most of my decisions throughout the day.  I’ll never give up on trying to be healthy to keep my temple healthy.  The question was posed numerous times as to why I wanted to lose weight.  The answer was the same old responses for health, etc.  Until one day this acquaintance kept prying and I said it out loud for the first time….. I didn’t want to die and leave the girls alone with him.  It was a realization and proclamation that I verbally said what my heart knew all along.  With God’s love….I am doing it for me.

Man made, chemically laden, “food-like” products

Posted by gum232 on February 24th, 2015 |Filed Under ME | Leave a Comment

I want to discuss the point about trusting strangers to make our food.  I really starting thinking about that and what it means.  In years gone by there wasn’t any going out to eat, people always ate at home and you know who cooked, or prepared, your food.  This meant that you usually knew what was going into the food, including love.  As we were growing up there are smells of certain foods that are embedded in our memories for the situation in which the food was served, who prepared it, etc.  Now it seems the smells being instilled in society’s heads are those from restaurants or the microwave. Boy doesn’t that popcorn smell good?  You know what I’m talking about – the smell of the chemically preserved microwave fragrance that aerates the whole environment where it can expand as the kernels expand.  Personally, I would rather my children know the sound of kernels hitting the bottom of our Whirley Pop and cranking the handle as the popping begins.  Ingredients: popcorn, coconut oil and a little sea salt.  Yes my family still consumes frozen or prepared food but I prefer to put forth the effort, as time allows, to cut, chop, dice, slice, bake, or grill fresh foods.

When we go out to eat, we never really know what’s in the food that we order or how it’s prepared.  It’s kind of weird to think about but I would suspect that if we could physically see “who” is preparing our foods that we might often times reconsider our choices.  I order everything PLAIN!  It doesn’t always come out that way – grill remnants, etc. that I have NO clue what it is.  I wipe off what I can and really just say a little prayer about the rest.  I sometimes will carry my own bag of “tricks” to season my food yet have grown to enjoy natural flavors.

Which then there’s the factor of company made products, even spices, that we have NO clue what the conditions are like in the factories, etc.  WE TRUST THE MANUFACTURERS. ???? I think it’s fascinating watching the food factory tv shows – how it’s made.  Then it hit me about the vats of food being heated or cooled, massive turbines spinning foods around all being mixed with who knows what and then going down a series of conveyor belts to be dropped, squeezed or poured into individual little marketing containers to try to sell the man made, chemically laden, “food-like” products.  Okay, yeah I guess that was a little soap box yet I speak from experience of having been, and still being, drawn into the temptation of pretty packaging, crispiness, saltiness, sweetness, smells, etc.

For all the preservatives, chemicals and dyes that I used to consume, a massive quantity compared to today, I am thankful that I don’t eat like that any more.  Obviously the weight fell off when the food plan was changed to where I eat fresh or frozen vegetable and fruit.  I do however eat fresh or frozen chicken and turkey breast, some fish – fresh or canned.  I can’t be too terribly paranoid about it all!! Lol.  It sure can make you think though.

Love yourself

Posted by gum232 on February 24th, 2015 |Filed Under ME | Leave a Comment

It’s been a while since I’ve written.  A lot has gone on and changed in my life over the last few years. Here I am at 46 years old.  My life has physically been one of instability.  I am a survivor of morbid obesity yet struggle every day and at every meal.  I will always have to eat multiple times throughout the day.  There’s no choice in having to eat for my body, however the choices lie within choosing the right, or healthiest options for my temple.  Will I always eat 100% “right” for my body?  No!  I know better.  I am human.

Mentally I have always had difficulties being “me”.  Unfortunately a lot of it seems to stem from the aforementioned – morbid obesity.  My self image has been based on what others have said and not said, how society “suggests” either straight out or subliminally into our minds how our physique “should” be and how I have let, or allowed, those influences to form my opinion of me.

I have never had problems getting a man’s attention.  Emotionally this has had some detrimental effects on me too.  I have allowed myself to be treated in ways that I should not have submitted to thinking that someone would love me “if only” I would do this, be this way or challenge my own beliefs on morality all while being neglected and somewhat disregarded as a person with a soul and feelings. I deserve to be loved but I have to love me first.  I have learned that I have value thus have made changes that will benefit me hopefully in God’s eyes.

Religiously God has gotten me to where I am today.  He is, has and always be there for me when no one else is.  I have learned to let myself have a voice about my worth.  I am worthy.  I am worthy of not being treated in ways that I don’t want to be.  I have the right and freedom to walk away, avoid involvement or demand respect. God is my answer and my salvation.  Through Him and Him alone do I truly find peace when I open my heart and soul to His guidance and trust Him entirely.  I am at peace when I trust.

Over the last few months, living separated from a man with whom initially I thought we would grow old together, I have come to see that I am going to be okay.  I don’t want to be alone, nor does anyone I suppose.  It is better to be alone and want to go home by yourself than to dread going home to an unhappy situation.  I am receptive to change yet now I have a mental list of values.  I was in an abusive marriage years ago that fortunately I was able to separate from.  To some degree there is abuse in every relationship with give and take.  How much am I willing to give? Everything!  How much am I willing to take? Nothing less than I personally feel that I need.

I don’t know your personal life or your history.  Are you happy with whom you reside-inside your own body?  We are not guaranteed to live the next minute.  What kind of legacy will you leave?  I want people to know that I am a positive person.  I haven’t always been so positive through certain situations.  Now is different.  I value myself and others.  I want the best for others so why not want the best for me first?  God commands that you love your neighbor as yourself…Mark 12:33 KJV

Who do you think God thinks is the most important person in your life?

You cannot go to Heaven or Hell for anyone but YOU.  You can’t change people that don’t want to change or accept instruction.  I can only do for ME and ultimately my soul is His and will ultimately return to Him or be turned away from Him.  I have to do right today for salvation and eternity is inevitable and I only really get one chance to live this life right in God’s eyes.  Treat your body as the temple that God has given you to transport your soul.  Treat your soul as God wants you too – love yourself.

Let’s ponder a few thoughts….

Posted by gum232 on January 15th, 2015 |Filed Under ME | Leave a Comment

Life really is what you make it.  At this point in your life (and mine) let’s ponder a few thoughts….

Are you where you wanted to be in life in general?  Why or why are you not?  Who, what and how could have choices been made to alter, for better or worse, the circumstances which bring you to this very moment in time?

Health and fitness… Who am I to talk about health and fitness?  If you have ever heard me speak one of the statements that I’ll make occasionally is that I’ll refer to myself being a P.D. – a “Professional Dieter.”  I have been physically aware of my status, compared to the world and the society in which we live, since I was in single digits.  I worked my way up through the ever so kind and wonderful classifications determining, ultimately, our own physical mortality based on the dimensions of our bodies and a digital number on a scale.  I have “dieted” all my life.  Everyone has!  The term diet generally refers to the consumption of food for sustaining life – whether it’s healthy or not and how the combinations react in our individual bodies determines if we need to adjust the intake.  I have done this for so long I am tired of it!!  Really!  Don’t you ever just get tired of trying to figure out what to eat, much less how it’s going to effect your body and your health? You can stop and turn away from most addictions because you don’t “need” them to be alive.  FOOD is a necessity.  FOOD is a privilege.  FOOD is able to change your life – long term.  Needless to say that self-proclaimed title P.D. has been earned and earned the hard way.

MY choices = MY results

It is a new year.  Last year was a hard year for me.  It started off with recognition and kept going.  I was on The Doctor’s to reveal me after their generous gift of life-changing surgery.  I had the honor of crowning a new TN TOPS State Queen, a friend!  I have been interviewed a few times for TV and magazines.  I had two amazing articles in TOPS News and First for Women magazines.  Generally the year ended with a presentation between two professionals from Vanderbilt University.  Life is interesting to say the least.  I am still me.  I post daily on my Facebook page to currently over 2800 people in many US states and countless countries. It’s humbling to know that there are those across the world watching what I eat and do.  Am I helping? Is God using me to help anyone? To help you?

How am I doing?  Well…. Emotionally I have gone through drastic changes the last few years with an intensely altered view of myself and life.  I have become one that others turn to for guidance and advice.  Who do I turn to?  I have a few friends yet try to lean on God the most.  Family and friends that once were around have chosen not to be.  I have made difficult choices to eliminate negative from my life too.  Giant steps. Scary steps. Lonely steps. Hopeful steps.  The footsteps are not me own.  I haven’t much had the urge to write, seeing that my last post was in September, and I miss it.  I miss it because it is who I am.  It helps me to get it out and make it “real”, no matter what the “real” is- weight, health, life, relationships, etc.

Back to the question…. Am I where I want to be in life?

To a point I am happy and content yet somehow I long for more.  Can I get what I want, need and deserve?  Who is to say what all of that really is?  ME!  God can put the opportunities before me to make me learn and grow.  It’s MY choice to let it knock me down, let it drag me around, walk through it, jump over it, crawl under it, go around it, or embrace it – whatever the it is.  I have to hold my head up high and pray for the guidance to go forward to serve God in the best physical, mental and spiritual health that I can be in for Him and His plan for ME. I struggle every day – EVERY DAY. I have regained a few pounds and that’s okay.  I know what to do and how to do it.  God still loves me.

Now is the time to make the choice.

I am Doing it for ME!

Life is too short…

Posted by gum232 on September 19th, 2014 |Filed Under ME | Leave a Comment

I’ve been having a “writer’s block”. A friend suggested that I try to write about not being able to write. That’s an appealing perception that I figured I’d attempt it. I’d not expect it to be my best script. Throughout my weight loss I have written about what got me to where I was in life and existing in the state of morbid obesity and as I went through the process, unknowingly that this time my efforts weren’t going to be in vain.

A bunch has been going on and I haven’t had the urge to “make anything real” by putting it in print. I might have just discovered what the issue is at hand!! Writing about my weight loss experiences and emotions “made it real.” When I put my life and experiences, feelings and thoughts, trials and triumphs, and realizations and understandings into words I am acknowledging, claiming and clarifying my continuation and possess responsibility.

Perhaps as I make mention of what’s been going on and it will help me, while attempting to assist you, the reader in some fashion. I need to have an improved grasp at the circumstances and have objectives about what to do from here. It’s never easy to step up to own and face the facts, so here it goes….
I have gained a few pounds, not too much but more than I want, and I’m not pleased about it. Let’s look at the “why”. There’s no one to blame for your unhappiness, you got yourself into your own mess…. Wilson Phillips Hold On. It’s my “fault” and I know “why”. My motivation? I found success through having the right attitude and outlook – I am Doing it for Me. Lately….I’ve not been putting ME to the front and have tolerated my own actions thus have to suffer the consequences. I’m not quitting or giving up on ME because God never will. He got me this far and I know I need to relinquish the reins back into His hands. What has worked for me is measuring everything, preparing and always having a plan and even a “Plan B,” sometimes a “Plan C or even D.” If you fail to plan, you plan to fail. That’s a great saying oozing with truth.

“How” can I make it better? The smallest yet BIGGEST word in that question is “I”. I am the only one that can make the choices I need to make nutritionally and otherwise. Huge problem – I can’t munch. For me that just is not a good thing and I can get out of hand very quickly, in an instant. I have been praying so much lately for situations yet haven’t kept up with the nourishment of my body and soul. Whose fault is that? Geesh…. I know, I know…… MINE! Alright, I’ve admitted it and claim it. Now? I have to go back to what has worked and what makes my body feel the best. I’ve got lots of eyes watching and following that I don’t want to disappoint yet the pair of eyes I see in the mirror are the ones that really observe what’s going on all the time. I need to up my water intake too. God saves our soul through cleansing our body with water during baptism…. We keep the dwelling of our soul cleansed internally with water…..

I’m not going to go into details publicly about the circumstances of my reality yet if you have read anything to this point about me it’s effortless to figure out. We are all scared of changes. That’s why “letting go” of excess weight is hard, having to rid our bodies, or life, of something that’s been hanging around a while, that we’re used to being there and that we know isn’t healthy for us. Interesting comparison actually…. Change can be a good thing though the steps to the reward aren’t always easy. I have to jump into God’s arms and let Him carry me through this. In Him I trust. Life is too short to not be happy, whatever it is in this time that brings you joy and peace. My ultimate prize is yet to come as I strive for health and happiness here on earth and eternal bliss in Heaven.

I must believe. I am important. I am worthy.


Please follow me daily at

“Today” is the hardest

Posted by gum232 on August 23rd, 2014 |Filed Under ME | Leave a Comment

Even though I post daily on my Facebook page,,
I haven’t taken time to really write and reflect over life lately.   I
wanted to record some recent publications and travel.

I don’t think I’ve written about being in the June/July
issue of TOPS News.  It was a great story
and well written considering my lifetime struggle and being a survivor of
morbid obesity. I was used in a TOPS Healthy and Active magazine and that was
on the back cover.  The article was 3
pages and they even included one of my recipes!! 

I went to Milwaukee, the “motherland” of TOPS and the
headquarters, for the 2014 International Recognition Days.  It was a great week long experience with old
friends, new acquaintances and time with just me and God too!  It was all good.  It’s always such an inspiration to see others
celebrated for their success.  For me it’s
still kind of hard to believe that I’m among those being celebrated.  I did crown the new TN State Queen for 2013
as outgoing 2012 Queen back in May yet was still able to walk across the stage
as a Century Club Award recipient, having lost over 100 pounds and keeping it
off over 52 consecutive weeks, during their Lost Baggage presentation for
before and after clothes sizes from a 30 to a 12/14 and as a KOPS – Keep Off
Pounds Sensibly.  The ride to and from
was GREAT too!!

On the ride back it became a little hunt.  A hunt? 
Yep!  My article came out in First
for Women magazine in the August 4, 2014 issue. 
We had stopped at a gas station and I saw the previous edition with Dr.
Travis Stork on the front, from The Doctors. 
I inquired if they had the new issues to put out.  They went to the back and retrieved a
box.  There I was- on the FRONT!!  There were 3 magazines.  I bought one, a travelling friend bought one
and the cashier got the third.  It was
quite AMAZING to see myself on the cover of a magazine.  I wasn’t the “Cover” person but I was an
inset on the front!  Water is so very
important to our bodies.  It was an honor
to share my experience.  I hate that TOPS
isn’t mentioned.  I have had people find
me on the internet and even call to talk to me. 
Blessed beyond my imagination.

That’s one thing I always try to do.  If someone is interested in health and weight
loss I will try my best to stop and make them the focus.  If God can use me to help someone I am here
for His service and to give Him the glory. 
This brings me to a whole other topic that I’ll post separately. 

Weight wise I’m trying to hold my own.  I still say that ”today” is the hardest.  It’s not easy maintaining.  It is still a conscious effort at every meal
and food opportunity to make the right choice. Over and above everything else
and all the obstacles that the world provides I have to be victorious for me,
for God.  It wasn’t easy losing the
weight nor is it now to maintain but I will NEVER give up on ME because God
doesn’t!  I am Doing it for ME!


Posted by gum232 on July 31st, 2014 |Filed Under ME | Leave a Comment

February 14, 2011 was the day I chose to learn to love myself, a significant date that is very symbolic for me. God has carried, pushed, pulled and dragged me through life and daily I struggle with permitting Him do so. My better days are when I wholly put my faith in Him and what is to be. My body is my temple. This is the temple in which my soul resides here on Earth. My soul and breath exist only through the grace and love of God. My personal war with food is one of many surrenders and downfalls with minimal victories strategically in place to bring me to the present. One can serve God in any form or condition, however, for me, I feel like I am more capable and much stronger physically, emotionally and spiritually to go forward in His name appreciating, respecting and responsible for my temple. My faith is stronger than it’s ever been. Life is worth living no matter what bumps are in the road, what bridges I must cross, the valleys I must endure, what obstacles and challenges I encounter. I can be victorious today because God loves me. Triumph comes in many methods to be considered whether it’s a number on the scale, personal observations discovered in a healthier version of me, or sharing my rite of passage to encourage, inspire and offer hope and God’s love to others.

Today is a day of reflection – July 31, 2014. I might celebrate alone yet God knows my heart and soul better than I even know myself. Trust me, I have learned more in the last few years than I ever knew before and guess what? I like me. I love me. I am important. Most important? GOD LOVES ME. I was in a sad, lonely and miserable place for a long time. I allowed it. This is the day that I was given a new lease on life. Thanks to Dr. Andrew Ordon, Dr. Chopra and The Doctors today, a year ago, was the day I woke up “skinny” or “skinless.” That was one of the most intensely emotional moments of my life. I felt renewed, reborn. I have the scars to remind me of the 25 pounds of excess skin which was surgically removed after making the dietary changes necessary to lose over 160 pounds and recapture, rejuvenate my own health and have the opportunity to live, not just exist .

The last few years I have experienced a mammoth expanse of changes that seem to continually be revealed daily. I am truly blessed beyond my imagination. It is an honor and privilege to reach out to others that are somewhere along their own rite of passage. Learning to love and care for yourself is an intricate part of succeeding in the endeavor to live a health style extending your years, increasing your abilities to be able to help others and your own capabilities to face the life issues we all have about us. God gives us countless opportunities for strength training of the qualities in which we need to sustain us through life. Patience to sit through temptations is one of my hardest “work-outs” daily it seems yet is also one that needs the most preparation to face diverse situations as well.

Ultimately I give credit to God to have made it this far and have an endearing appreciation for my life. As for this physical body and it’s safe-keeping, I am solely responsible for what fuel goes in either reaping the rewards or paying the consequence. When I think about the sacrifice that Jesus made for me, for all of us, on that cross I can give up what isn’t healthy and beneficial to my body. I am human not super-human. I do not eat “perfect” by my personal chosen standards, consenting imperfections and flaws in my dietary intake. God can forgive me where I err so I can too. Trying to do my best daily with numerous small goals helps me feel commendable when accomplishing them and not completely devastated if I don’t reach every objective established. I can try again tomorrow, Lord willing. To this present day, which truly is a gift, and henceforth, I have and will continue my efforts, with God carrying me, be Doing it for Me!

Please go to to follow me daily.

Grocery store Soapbox

Posted by gum232 on June 21st, 2014 |Filed Under ME | Leave a Comment

Okay I am going to get on a soapbox for a minute. Bear with me….

Walking around the store tonight I was actually more observant than usual. (I would not make a good witness.)

When I am in that type of environment I typically block out all the stuff I choose not to put in my body, yet have to “see” what my family wants.

I do look at people. It’s good to say hi to those you know. However, It’s disheartening to see the physical condition of society to the point of some not even being able to walk through the store due to physical/medical limitations caused/enhanced by excess weight.

Tonight I saw what was in the isles at a glance.

How many companies exist that manufacture processed/canned “food-like” products?

It’s an instant world we live in, not producing anything ourselves, just going about our busy lives eating on the run, “nuking” foods and trusting that what is consumed is safe.

Just because we can physically eat something instant and not instantly die from it doesn’t mean that it doesn’t slowly kill our cells, infect our bodies and ultimately develop “minor” to “major” and even “terminal” consequences.

The way I eat now is healthy. It’s not 100% unprocessed yet much closer than ever in my life before.

I am the steward, the keeper, of this body. My soul, that God created, is housed in this form. It’s my responsibility and privilege to have the knowledge of how to care of it. A friend was quoting scriptures that I need to write down for reference.

Eating things without nutrition labels does seem to be the healthiest way to go-vegetables, fruit, nuts, meat.

To compare the nutrient values and taste of fresh verses canned there’s really no comparison, especially with taste.

I season with herbs and spices for flavor. Sometimes I’ll use Walden Farms zero calorie products. It’s interesting how companies market their products to make them appealing, no matter the expense we pay with our body and health. Gravies, sauces, and dressings mask the taste and offset nutritional benefits.

Well I could go on and on and I’m sure it will be discussed again….. I’ll come off my grocery store soapbox.

As for me- I will continue to feed my body as healthy as I can with what’s available and affordable. I can’t serve God if I can’t take care of me. It’s my right. It’s my duty.

I am Doing it for me!

You can’t “make” someone love you.

Posted by gum232 on April 12th, 2014 |Filed Under ME | Leave a Comment

On a very personal note I want to discuss relationships. I know I have mentioned having lost friends from me being so “selfish” by bettering myself, with increased confidence and generally foodie friends that aren’t who I need to be around anyways. Now I want to talk about how weight loss effects marriage, from my experience. I have known of a couple dissolved relationships due to weight loss and the statistics are showing an increase in divorce following extreme weight loss over 75% after a couple of years in maintenance. Well, here I am working towards two years in my new form. What will the future hold for me? Considering that I have found the strength to become a survivor of morbid obesity I am ready to conquer the world – with or without a man on my side. Will my situation alter or count in that statistic?

I was married before.  I have two daughters, 15 and 12.  I have wondered if, when or why I should ever tell them. For over twenty years I have been with my husband, their father.  The situation has gotten out of control recently and the time was at hand that seemed fitting to tell them of my previous relationship.  I was physically and mentally abused. I have had major weight, self-esteem and confidence problems from my youth, compounded with relationship issues. I have built many a wall around myself, quite high and layers thick, with LOTS of “insulation”, for self-preservation.  In the last couple of years I have learned to love myself and have lost a lot of weight, without surgery, over 150 pounds and dropping 9 sizes. My confidence has gone out the roof and I have found my treasure-me!

My husband, on the other hand, to this day, has not been supportive about me losing weight.  Ask him?! He’ll tell you that he hasn’t been supportive in my efforts. He has been a saboteur in previous attempts and I have “allowed” him to lead me away from bettering my health. Now that I am smaller than I have ever been as an adult, or a teen even, he has even more problems with me and my personal improvements all around.  My daughters’ well-being is important, yet the way that they see him treating me is not a good example. I don’t want them to think that this is the way they should expect to be treated by a man, much less that this is how a relationship is supposed to be. The two parties should have some kind of similar interests and all that but friendship and communication is key. You hear about marrying your best friend…. At the time maybe I did? I know that I haven’t been the best “wife”, loving, etc. because he makes me feel so bad about myself. I can’t pull something out of nowhere and offer myself to one who rejects my existence. It’s too much to explain to my daughters now, yet hoping that in years to come that they will have a better understanding once involved in relationships themselves. Hopefully they can learn from my experiences to choose wisely, don’t “settle”, and for sure don’t marry someone who doesn’t make you feel like they’d do anything for you.

As I have lost weight and with the increase of confidence and pride in myself, he told me something a year or so ago that has stuck with me. I can hear it echo in my head as if he said it a second ago.  I am pretty good about forgiving and going on but this is one thing that speaks volumes about the truth in his “love”, or lack thereof, for me.  He has never been one to defend me in any way, shape or forms so it wasn’t too big of a surprise when he told me that he had agreed with whomever told him that they thought I walked into a room “better than everyone” after having lost weight.  My “defense”, was if I should even have one to my husband, was that I walk into a room now confident in who I am, where I’ve come from if anyone knows about my weight or not. I am proud to be who I am.  He doesn’t “get it” and just stands firm on his beliefs.  No, he’s never had weight issues. No, he cannot understand. No, he doesn’t act like he cares at all. Yes, it is obvious that he preferred me larger. This is what I’ve lived with and put up with for too long, trying to hang in there, because of the kids. Anyways, the straw that broke the camel’s back shall we say, is the remark he made “Don’t expect me to ever put you on a pedestal!” I don’t care what I look like or if I weigh 100 or a thousand pounds- I’m his wife and he should always put me on a pedestal. I need that. NO! I DESERVE THAT!

I was sick and tired of being beaten and abused in the first marriage and now I have had about all I can take in this one too.  The difference is the connection that won’t be cut because of the girls.  I will have to be around him still to a point.  I can’t imagine that he is willing to get any help or counseling.  I have mentioned it numerous times before and I think it’s beyond repair.  The love I had for him is gone through all the hurt.  I can’t see trusting him again.  I have gotten rid of a lot of weight that was holding me back from living. Now I think it’s time to get rid of a few more “excess pounds” that are weighing me down. If he wanted to go for counseling and to work on the marriage then HE needs to make the effort, make the appointment, etc.

Biblically…. It’s confusing. God has brought me through many a tough situation, carrying, pushing or dragging me. I am a believer that everything happens for a reason. Why did my weight loss “work” this time? Because it was my “time”. Why have I lost friends? Because it was “best”. Why have I had the privilege and honor of journaling my story? Because it needed to be recorded to help others. Why have I been chosen for opportunities to appear and speak? Because God wants me there at that time to help someone that I might not ever know. Why do I go on? God has a purpose for me. What is that purpose? Well, that’s the one I’m still trying to figure out. Having been in that small percentage of overweight kids that became obese in adulthood, working with impressionable adolescents that could potentially benefit from my experiences and change not only their weight but their health views for themselves would be a blessing. My weight loss “rite of passage” was traveled alone because I was the only one in control, or out of control. Through this process I have come out on the other side, to return, a much healthier person physically, mentally, emotionally and most importantly spiritually. God’s institute of marriage is not to be broken. When one’s spirit is being broken by the other partner it’s difficult for me to imagine that God wants that person to feel invaluable. A husband is to love his wife as God so loves the church. I am not one to have that experience, unfortunately twice. You can’t “make” someone love you. You can’t “make” someone understand what they aren’t willing to learn or care about. You can’t “make” something that should be natural, or instinctive, to come out of someone that won’t open their eyes to possibilities.

Everyone has their own choices to make while here on Earth. We can’t do for others that won’t do for themselves. We can’t go to heaven or hell for anyone else. It’s completely up to ourselves. Life is too short to be “stuck” in a situation that drains you and prevents you from being the best person that you want to be. We are here to help others. If I can’t help myself how am I to help others? It made my husband mad when I started writing about my weight loss. I am worthy. I am valuable. I am Doing it for ME!

I am worth more than a dollar menu!

Posted by gum232 on April 6th, 2014 |Filed Under ME | Leave a Comment

Life is busy as you know.  I tend to not find as much time to post here.  I need to.  A lot has been going on that I need to write about to record for myself, and you too, if you’re interested, to maybe benefit from or find encouraging.  I want to give you hope through my struggles in becoming a survivor of morbid obesity.  I had lost hope over and over again. When I finally found hope I starting finding my true self.  I post daily on my page where I have recipes that I come up with, with pictures, encouragement, educational information and motivation.  Please go visit when you get the chance.

I have questions posed and wanted to respond on a couple views/opinions.

Having a list of foods to “choose” from and weighing everything has been very helpful to me.  It’s a lot easier measuring foods on digital scales and getting to a specific weigh than dirtying all the measuring cups, etc.

Sometimes I choose to use meal replacements, shakes or bars, depending on schedule, situation, need or desire. Having food to chew and feel in my mouth is essential to me verses complete liquid diets. I don’t want to drink all my meals/calories.  Those will work temporarily until incorporating food back into your plan.

Pills? Nutrients are extremely important -that’s “why” we eat in the first place.  Our bodies need fuel for every cell in our body.  Of course vitamins and minerals in pill or capsule form are a great way to Meet daily requirements.  If we choose wisely which nutrients we put in, our bodies will work the best and benefit from them.  If “diet” pills are used to assist in speeding up, slowing down, absorbing, blocking, etc it might be beneficial in ridding excess pounds.  However…. Yes there is a “however”… have to “weigh” the side effects that could occur and potentially be detrimental instead of beneficial in the long run for your organs, systems and general well-being.

Eating as natural as possible (and affordable) with fresh or frozen vegetables and fruit and lean protein has gotten me to where I am today.  I have lost more weight than I ever imagined possible and have fortunately changed the way I eat for good.  I might have a bite here and there of something but I will never go to a buffet or eat in massive unhealthy quantities and quality of food.

You get what you pay for.  I am worth more than a dollar menu!

i am doing it for ME.

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