It’s Been A While

Wow, the last time I wrote here was September 8, 2013. I was full tilt boogie out of control. After losing a bunch of weight and doing well I hit the wall of all walls. My barrier is adapting. When things aren’t going exactly as planned then I fail to cope and when I fail to cope I simply fail.

The funny thing about failing is that it’s almost a self fulfilling profecy for me. I almost will it to happen because I never get failing out of my mind. It’s also been ingrained in my head since I’ve been failing at weight loss for so long.

After much consideration and after failing yet again my doctor asked me about my thoughts on weight loss surgery. I always thought you had to be someone so far gone that surgery would be the only option that made sense. Was I that far gone? Am I completely unable to lose weight on my own. I left with him not knowing just how much I was hurt. But I was hurt.

After the pain/embarassment/pity feelings were sufficiently drowned out by ice cream I decided to take a look at surgery. He mentioned that there were a lot of new advancements and tons of information. I started a serious look. An open minded look. I was intrigued.

After looking at a ton of websites and surgeons I started watching videos on YouTube and just seeing these transformed lives. It’s a new world when you can cross your legs, walk without knee pain and instantly sweating, and just live a normal life. I wanted this normal life. I kept reading and learning and I finally found a local hospital with a phenomenal program. I had no idea if my insurance would cover it, what the procedure was or what I needed to do but on February 14, 2014, I finally called them.

Why Valentine’s Day? Because I woke up to a lovely card from my husband. It was a card expressing how much he loves me and how lucky he is to have me in his life. My happiness drifted to shame because at my current weight I was really gambling with how much life I was going to be able to give him! He deserves a healthy wife. Not a thin, beautiful, waif-like wife but a wife that is healthy and able. It’s not a vanity thing but a healthy thing.

After the call I embarked on an 11 month journey complete with nutritionists, sleep studies, CPAP machines, Upper GIs, a stomach infection, numerous rounds of blood work, and amazing support groups and I’m finally there. I just got my surgery date and I’m so very excited.

For years I’ve loved food almost as much as the important things in my life. It’s time I love myself.

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