Surprising Look in the Mirror

Well, I bet some of you have been wondering where I’ve been. It’s been quite a few months and the changes have been astronomical. When we last met, I was recovering from my surgery in February and I had to stop the program because surgery can be dangerous when you’re in ketosis.

I rebounded relatively well but then my potassium levels were out of whack and I had to stop again. Maintaining was all fine and good until some seriously personal things happened in my family and my stress levels were off the charts. As my stress increased my food intake increased. The weight started to creep back and now at the end of July I’m tying here with nearly 40lbs of my weight loss back.

I thought of just throwing in the towel and just living my life as I’ve always lived it: fat and disappointed in myself. I have a loving husband and great family and they love me just as I am so why continue? Why jump back on this yo-yo train of success and failure?

Then one day I was talking to my husband about one of his friends and in the middle of the conversation I got a glimpse of myself in the mirror.

His friend is a ¬†woman that he’s known for years and she’s been in a truly unhappy relationship for 15 years. She and her companion have never been married but they do have a child together and he’s been struggling with a drug problem. She will occasionally call my husband and share her latest tale of woe.

As he’s telling me about the latest drama between them I make a noticeable sigh.

Him: What was that for?

Me: Sorry, it just seems like this story never changes! She calls and vents but then goes back to the same drama. It can be a little exhausting.

Him: i feel for her, it’s unfortunate.

Me: I feel for her too but I think I’d feel more if she was actively trying to fix it. It just comes across as complaining since she never tries to address it.

As the words are coming out of my mouth I’m struck with my reality. This conversation is exactly what I do with my weight. No one on Earth is as bothered by my weight as I am. I will complain about it to my husband, whine about my lack of clothing options, and sulk about it for days. Then I will down a tub of Ben & Jerry’s, pay faithfully for my gym membership that I don’t use, or spend another $75 on running shoes that will spend an eternity in my closet.

I stopped talking and looked at my husband.

Me: So, this is like me kvetching about my weight isn’t it?

Him: Honestly, yes, I guess you could say that.

The next few minutes I sat in silence and thought about what it would be like to tackle this again. To come back and start to blog again. To put my running shoes on and go to the gym again. To not sit and think about where I would be if I didn’t stop and start thinking of where I’m going when I start again.

It’s hard for me not to dwell on things. Especially failure. I can stamp my forehead FAILURE and let it sit and fester there for a long time. I think three months is long enough. It’s time to get back on it.

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