Honestly Facing The Inevitable

What’s crazy about life if how we sometimes lie to ourselves… like we don’t know that we know the real truth. When it comes to stepping on the scale – even if it’s only for my eyes to see – I’ve been known to lift a toe, try to levitate, or strip down the the barest possible like my wedding ring was going to suddenly make me 150lbs instead of 300! I know that I’m big, I know that it doesn’t define the whole of who I am yet there I am trying to fudge a number that won’t alter the truth of my weight only my emotional response to it.

Oprah once posed a challenge that had people write down their life events in years and then go back and add their weight to those pivotal points in time. I’ve thought about doing this for quite some time now and I just couldn’t do it. Why? I didn’t trust myself to not “lift my toe” on this exercise. I felt that I would try to cheat in some capacity by either lightening my weight or minimizing the pain that came from the experiences that led to the weight.

I’m a very private person and I have never handled letting my emotions out in a calm and controlled way with brutal honesty. I would either dismiss it publicly and drown my pain inside with ice cream and fried chicken or I would have outbursts of anger that would alienate people. More the former than the latter but the latter does make pivotal appearances in my life.

What will this little exercise entail? It will be an honest journey into the past that I have never truly done before but will hopefully allow me to unlock the reasons behind my need to “self-medicate” with food. I don’t want to be thin as much as I want to be healthy and free.

Has anyone else ever done one of these timelines? I think I’ll do mine and write about my experiences that I uncover along the way.

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