Plans, goals, thoughts…

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     This month (June) has not be so bad, even though I struggled last week with The Horrible Burrito Debacle, which is high rhetoric for making a wrong dinner choice (burrito, chips and guacomole), that wasn’t so awful in the big scheme of things.  More like I threw a monkey wrench in my mental state of getting back on track after maintaining in the ’50s for (gulp) a couple of years.

I have some sort of mental block about continuing down.  I think the best way to get past it may be to stop trying to analyze it and start taking one day at a time foodwise.  Sometimes, though, when I’m in the moment it feels hard to not eat a chocolate, not have seconds (I’m hungry!), I’m not keeping my eye on the prize, I’m letting my mind psyche me out.  I’m still using food to deal with emotions, to make me feel better, and I’m still reacting like a little kid mentally (I will not be denied!!).

BF thinks I have a fear of success, that I’m right on the edge of getting what I want (yeah, I know, I still have over 70 lbs to go) and I’m sabotaging myself because when I get it, I’ll feel like I won’t have any excuses to take care of other issues in my life, or to have to face challenges (some are even good challenges). 

My being heavy has been WHO I AM for most of my life.  Getting down to a healthier weight, I’m going to have to redefine myself.  Ok, I’m overthinking it. 

My cousin and her family are in NY for the weekend this weekend, so my present challenge will be to not let it be an excuse for me to overindulge.  It will most likely affect my gym going days, which happens, it’s life. 

Into June 2009

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I finally figured out how to include pics (genius me).  Here’s some progress, me at my 300 lb weight (2002), and me in my Easter outfit after working out with a trainer at the Y in 2009 (about 249).  Lot of years, a lot of pounds lost, some muscles inserted….