bits of string and sealing wax

my quest to achieve a balanced life

too much time spent on the same old thing March 5, 2013

Filed under: Life, The Universe, And Everything — didibuttonsley @ 12:48 am

Why am I still continuing to choose to focus on my weight instead of other areas of my life?   Yeah, that’s right.  I used the word CHOOSE, because it absolutely is a choice.  Nobody puts food in my mouth for me.  I do that with my own two hands.  It’s much scarier for me to think about needing to move, deciding which city to live in, needing to find a decent job, deciding on a career, and living out in the world every day than it is to think about my weight and what I look like.  I guess that’s why I gained so much weight six years ago.  I guess that’s why I carry around an extra forty pounds now.   I am so terrified of being totally empowered and independent.  I question myself and my abilities constantly.  At 29 years old I am still insecure, and don’t really know who I am or where I want to be, or what I really want.  Sure, I have figured out a lot of things through trial and error.  I figured out that I got into bad relationships as a way to distract myself.  Ended that cycle, yay me!  I stopped dating argumentative douche bags who dragged me down and didn’t know me.  I took a break, regrouped, and decided that I deserved real love.  I’ve never looked back, and am now in the best relationship of my life.  He adores me, appreciates me, and loves me even on my worst day, and is always uber supportive of me.  That’s a good thing.  I also stopped hanging around draining people who didn’t support me in positive ways.  Another plus.  My relationships are much fewer now, but I no longer feel all worn and drawn because of them.

I am trying to accept myself as a writer, an artist, and a healer.  It’s tricky doing so, because I currently am not making enough money from these things to support myself.  I feel like maybe my energy is still too scattered and indecisive.  I worry a lot.

I thought that I could make enough money selling Norwex so that I wouldn’t have to get a full time job during the week, but that isn’t working out as planned.  Should I keep trying?  Maybe I need to get something full time during the week, and just see what happens.  That probably makes the most sense.  I can’t keep waiting for everything to happen.  I need to make it happen.  Or let it happen.  I don’t know.

It seems that I am very focused on getting in my daily workouts, and burning at least four hundred calories a day.  It’s good that I am consistently achieving this goal that I set for myself, but MORE needs to happen.  Weight and health aren’t the only slice of my pie.  If I don’t tend to the total package things are not going to turn out well.  I’ll lose weight and gain it back again- and be stuck in that same cycle.

I should be writing, and practicing the metaphysical healing, and re doing the pictures for my etsy shop.  I should be pouring over my Norwex training dvds and finding ways to improve sales and bookings.  It seems I spend a great deal of time figuring out my calories for the day, and food, and the workouts that I’ll be doing.  And then I’m not doing a whole lot else.  It concerns me, because that is precisely what I don’t want.  I DON’T want to be making everything about my weight anymore.

When I am at goal I WILL STILL HAVE TO DEAL WITH EVERYTHING ELSE IN MY LIFE.  NOTHING WILL GO AWAY OR MAGICALLY BE BETTER.  Weighing less doesn’t actually equal a suddenly perfect life.  I think that fat people are addicted to the dream and the promise of this beautiful fairy tale future.  When I am thin… fill in the blank.  (I will meet my true love, I will wear nice clothing, I will take dance classes, yadda yadda yadda)  But the dream can be better than the reality, otherwise so many wouldn’t lose a bunch of weight only to gain it back.

I still have to learn how to be more confident in myself, more sure of myself, less nervous, less awkward around people, less indecisive… etc.  I still have to learn how to live better and be happier with myself.  I am flustered with myself because I write about all this stuff, but still am only putting effort into working out and fitness.

writing, etsy shop, metaphysical healing, my relationships, norwex, workouts, nutrition, finding a job during the week, saving money for the move, picking where to live  THESE are all the things I should be thinking about

What I think about mostly: workouts, nutrition, my relationships, And then I spend a lot of time worrying or putting off everything else.  Makin’ excuses.  That’s me.  Indecisive and always daydreaming about something new or what I should try next.  Where is my commitment to myself?  Where?  I want to be gentle with myself, and give myself time, but the relative idleness needs to stop.  I’ve got to buckle down and pour my heart and energy into things.  I’ve spent enough time in limbo land.  I need to rejoin the living.

metaphysical healing, norwex, workouts, nutrition, relationships, etsy, writing, saving money for the move, finding a job

maybe if I type the list enough times I’ll start putting more effort into ALL the areas of my life instead of just some of them.  Double sigh.  I feel like I need so much help, and I am not entirely sure how to get it.  I have to act.  This is the year for changes and finally getting to know myself.  I just wish I didn’t feel so uncertain, hesitant, and scared about it.


week one of 400 burn challenge completed March 4, 2013

Filed under: Life, The Universe, And Everything — didibuttonsley @ 4:09 pm

Today is the final day of the first week of my Burn 400 Calories a Day Challenge.  How am I feeling on the last day of my first week?  Pretty awesome, actually.  I am already noticing that I feel slightly more energetic than a dead bear, and the image in the mirror reflecting back shows a woman with more tone and increased confidence.  Did I manage to burn at least 400 calories every day for my first seven days of the challenge?  Actually, no.  On Wednesday I was very sore, so I chose to burn 273 calories with a short walk and some pilates.  I didn’t want to push too hard, and regret it.  Then on Saturday I had terrible cramps, but I did con myself into taking a half an hour walk.  That was as good as it was gonna get that day, and I am happy that I pushed myself to do anything.  I generally don’t get cramps as bad as those killers, and am wondering if all the aerobic workouts had something to do with the fact that my uterus was trying to crawl the fuck out of my body cramping so badly on Saturday.  But here’s the good part:  400 calories a day for a week equals a total of 2, 800 calories.  My weekly total of burned calories is 3,572. Take that to the freaking bank! No.  Really.  Somebody please give me 3,572 dollars to put into my bank account.  I deserve it, and could use the money.  In spite of not making four hundred on two different days I still killed the challenge by burning off 772 extra calories for the week.  This makes my first week of my Burn 400 Challenge a success in my opinion.  Here’s to achieving increased strength, feeling more toned, and being more at home in my own body.

I was going to update my measurements and all that jazz, but I have opted to wait until Aunt Flo exits the premises.  I’ve not recorded any numbers for the month of March yet, so it’ll be interesting to see where I am at.

Not much else has been going on today.  We are trying a new crockpot recipe “Cheesy White Chili” that should be about done, and is smelling fantastic.  I am going to begin posting the crockpot recipes that are suitable for freezer use pretty soon.  Hopefully it’ll be of use to folks who want to try this brilliant time/ money saver.  It has been a wonder for us around here, and definitely cuts down on the number of times we give in to temptation (and laziness) and go grab takeout instead of actually cooking dinner.  I’ll probably also post the low cost and favorite meals that I regularly cook when we aren’t using the crockpot.  I’d like to post calorie info and cost of meal per serving and all that stuff, so I really need to figure out all those details.  For now, I’d better go sample my recipe.  😉  Happy Monday, gang.


back to 3fc

Filed under: Life, The Universe, And Everything — didibuttonsley @ 12:46 am

I stopped posting on this site for a while, so there is a gap between posts that stretches for some months, but I’ve decided to go back to double posting.  I am very back in the game with my fitness, and am looking for additional support to stay motivated.

I used to have a lovely gang here at 3fc.  We kept up with each others blogs, and there were plenty of encouraging comments.  I miss those days!  Most of my old bloggy buddies from 3fc moved to blogger, and quite a few of them don’t post anymore.  I know people get busy, but I miss the support of my girls!  I decided to come back because I am on the hunt for new people to connect with and a few new blogs to read.


hardcore cardio workout nights = win March 2, 2013

Filed under: Life, The Universe, And Everything — didibuttonsley @ 9:43 am
Calories Burned On Friday The First of March : 732  (i’d add my calories and net, but am too lazy to go and look ’em up)
Yesterday Xrisi and I had our first official workout, and it was a lot of fun.  We did about an hour of cardio, and my ass was definitely kicked, but in a happy, and satisfying way.  What workouts did we do?  Well, we did the warm up and two segments of Tony Horton’s Ten Minute Trainer (upper body and lower body- damn all those squats!) to start off with.  Xrisi used to do all five of the ten minute trainer segments every day without fail, and lost an unbelievable amount of weight in five months (like, 80 pounds for Pete’s sake!), so she has a soft spot for those circuits.  I had heard of P90X, but as that is an advanced system for folks already in shape and looking to really push themselves, it clearly isn’t a program I have tried.  She’s got that one too, but we’re going to need to work up to it!  My first experience with Tony Horton was favorable.  I love that he is cheesy, and kind of funny, and that definitely worked for me.  I bet it would drive some people shit city insane. 😉  His workouts are GREAT though!  Now, having said that, I think that Tony’s workouts are totally and ridiculously overpriced when compared with similar workouts by lesser known trainers.  There are many other 10 minute circuit style dvds that do the same thing without costing 90 dollars for a total “package.”  Xrisi bought the package long ago, and it comes with the five ten minute workouts, a resistance band, a measuring tape, a calendar…. sheesh.  Beachbody is definitely trying to make money, buuuuuut they are helping people get in shape, so I suppose it is a trade off.  The dvd by itself is 40.75 on amazon.  Come on.  Forty one dollars plus shipping for a single 50 minute dvd?
Ok, enough harping on the price, especially since I didn’t pay for the thing!  She’s going to copy it for me provided that they have a dvd copying program thingy, so if I can get a free copy I will purchase a set of resistance bands.  A very nice set of bands is 25 bucks on Amazon… less than the silly dvd!  If not, I suppose doing it twice a week on our workout nights is ok, because I have a lot of other things to choose from at home.
We also did two of the fifteen minute segments off of Hemalayaa’s Bollywood Burn.  I brought my stack of Hemalayaa workout dvds, because I thought Xrisi would like them as much as I do.  Success! I’ve got seven of Hemalayaa’s dvds, so we have got a lot of cardio variety to choose from.  Sweet deal!  I brought the stack so she could copy them if she wanted, which would be nice because then I won’t have to bring piles of dvds over on Wednesdays and Thursdays.  I also have four cardio hula workouts, and seven belly dancing ones to choose from, so there is no way that our workout nights are going to get dull.  Next week the plan is to continue with the ten minute trainer segments, add in some dance, and then finish with my personally created twenty four minute yoga cool down.  Our workout time yesterday was fifty minutes, but in the future we definitely want to add in the looooong winding down and stretching.  My guess is that we’ll gradually build until we are getting in ninety minutes total.
It is fabulous having somebody to work out with who is so excited and happy about it!  The Cubs is supportive and good at working out with me, but Xrisi brings a bubbly amount of cheer and enthusiasm that is completely infectious.  She is emotionally ready to get back into top shape, and we are sooooo on the same page about our past struggles with eating disorders, dieting, body and self image, and everything else.  I love having her to talk to, and I love that what started out as a book club has now turned into two nights of intense work outs twice a week.  I feel like we’re both in it to win it.  She has pledged to get in at least two additional workouts on her own during the week, and I am pledged to workout every day.  We are good motivators for each other, and it’s pretty cool.  This is absolutely and without a doubt the year that I get my strength and fitness level back.  I can’t wait to return to the healthy size me that I used to know.  Heck, this me will be even better than before.  I now value so much more than just how I look.  I want my body to be strong, because I have strong character on the inside, and bring great value to others and myself.  Yup.  I can be the best me every day, and before I know it the extra pain I’ve been wearing will shed and fall away.  Not sure why it needed to take me six years to re work and work through all of this stuff, but I have to respect my personal time table.  It needed to happen this way, and I am feeling more and more ok with that each day.  It’s never too late!  I can figure out the complex puzzle of who I am, and what I want, and where I want to be!

I am glad that I used January and most of February to do so much reflecting, and I am also glad that I took a break from calorie counting, weighing, and otherwise obsessing in a totally negative way about my fitness progress.  It’s given me some fresh insight, and now I’m pumped and ready to go.  I’m focused on the total package of me, instead of just the food/ weight parts.  That is a good thing.  No more “Oh, when I am at goal all my dreams will come true!  It’s because I’m too fat that I don’t have the life that I want.”  Hah.  I call bullshit on myself.
Face it face it face it.  Weight is easier to deal with than the real deep issues underneath that caused us to overeat, and hide, and gain all the weight in the first place.  We used weight as a way to protect ourselves from other pains.  It is painful to yo-yo and always be thinking about weight and body image, but we all choose.  We choose to make weight and body image our focus, because the other things (growing up, becoming independent, choosing a career, having healthy relationships,  living in the world, expressing our sexuality, etc.) are too scary for us.  I choose to move on and let that part of my life go.  I want to live in the world again, and be present.  I want to think about my healing, and art, and writing.  I wish to focus on my supportive friends, and take dance classes, and meet new people to go on camping trips and hikes with.  I wish to offer my unique perspective to others, and find my happy place in the world.  I am ready to let go of dreaming of my perfect future that will only occur once I weigh a certain amount.  I am ready to actively create my perfect life right now, this day, this hour.

So yeah.  March is seriously awesome so far.


workouts and crockpot cooking round two

Filed under: Life, The Universe, And Everything — didibuttonsley @ 8:34 am
Calories burned on Thursday the 28th: 551      Food: 1382        Net:  831

Today my lower back was being wayyy too troublesome for me to do the workout that I initially wanted to do, but I improvised like a fricken champ.  I attempted to do some revolved triangle poses and rotated warrior poses when I got up this morning (using my yoga app on the iPhone- I created a lot of personal routines), and could only do them on one side pain free.  Leaning down to my right foot/side was A-OK, but down and towards the left was causing shooting pains today- so I stopped and decided I’d have to rethink the workouts for the day.  If my back is being troublesome and is particularly tight there are certain things I can’t risk doing.  I wanna workout, but I don’t want to snap my lower spine in twain.  On the plus side, there are still plenty of activities that are still fine even if I am experiencing a slight tendency towards gimpyness.  Some floor work/ pilates positions are out, as are some yoga positions, but walking and standing workouts are just fine.  Sooooo I created a special “sore back” routine that ran about twenty four minutes, and then paired it with about twenty minutes of strength training done standing with three pound hand weights.  I’m going to stick with my threes for the next month or two, but I kinda want to get fours at this point.  I am happy to report that I had no problem doing the warrior poses without the rotations.  I’m still a warrior – just without the sideways element!
I am happy to be tracking on myfitnesspal again.  Yeah, I needed a little break at the start of the year (a little break that turned into a six or seven week break), and I am glad that I recognized that and respected my inner feelings- but I’m excited to be tracking again.  I lost nine pounds in a couple of months, and then came the holidays, and then new years, and I wanted to focus elsewhere at the start of 2013 and not worry about counting calories.  Now that I’ve shoved the godforsakenscale into the damn closet, and calmed that demon down, I feel like I can approach things with a healthier and less obsessive attitude.  If I want to weigh I’ll take the scale out maybe once a week, tops.  No more driving my wee brain loco!!!
It is also nice to be using my yoga app on the phone again.  Oh, goddess, how I love my phone.  It lets me create workouts, and listen to great mixes, and track my calories burned and taken in, and it even wakes me lovingly in the morning with the sleep cycle alarm clock (Best.  Alarm clock.  Ever.)  Excuse me while I sneak off to snuggle my smartphone.  I could live without phoney, but life with him is pretty sweet too!
This afternoon I spent two hours chopping and prepping five vegetarian crock pot meals  (I made the four recipes with meat in them the other night) that are all now lined up in the freezer and ready to go.  The recipes are from two vegetarian crock pot cookbooks that I bought way back when, and then rarely used.  Crock pot cooking for one is silly, right?  So glad that now there is a reason to cook larger quantities!
I have to say that I love having these ready to go freezer meals on hand.  It has definitely helped us save money on groceries, and kept us from grabbing take out as often.  The Cubs likes it too, because he is usually the one to throw the meal in the crockpot in the morning, so he already knows that he’ll be getting his dinner on time. 😉  Last time I did the meals I made six of them by myself, but this second go round he helped me out with the chopping which cut the time down quite a bit.  It would have gone faster, but I was also doing loads of laundry at the time, and doing the dishes, and performing other random tasks that I noticed.  I’m a putz that way.  I do one thing, and then have three other side things going on at the same time.  The only mistake I made with the prepping was that in the “Cheesy White Chili” I added a tablespoon of curry instead of a tablespoon of cumin, because they were sitting next to each other on the counter.  Ooops.  I could tell that the end result will still be delicious though, so no harm no foul.
Speaking of foul, I regret to inform you lovely readers that the crockpot chicken marsala recipe we got off the internet was a huge disappointment.  It wasn’t terrible, but it sure as hell wasn’t chicken marsala, and I won’t bother making it again.  Marsala sauce is so so tasty, but the recipe we used just didn’t make the cut.  I must file the recipe under the “bad cooking” category.  I am scared that the bourbon chicken recipe is going to end up with the same underwhelming result.  I am thinking that I could likely devise my own crockpot chicken marsala recipe, and have it turn out better.  Hmmm.  I want some carnivorous crock pot recipes for my sweetie, and need to find a few more truly good ones.  I hate cooking meat for the most part, but don’t mind it as much in the crock pot, so it’s a good way to incorporate one or two meat based meals into the week.  (Once in a while I cook bacon, or make chicken or tuna salad- but otherwise I cook vegetarian meals)  Anybody know of a really banging (no chili or pot roast recipes- everybody knows how to do that in a crockpot) meaty recipe for the crockpot?  I have a couple that I got from a friend that are good (one is a stew with ring sausage, and the other has ground sausage), and wrote down some off of the internet to try, but suggestions are welcome.   Help!  We need more meat in our lives!
I have heard so many meat eaters say “Oh, I could never afford to be a vegetarian.”  Well.  All of those people are full of shit.  Cooking with meat is expensive.  I’m trying to branch out for my love (even though he loves my cooking, he likes to eat something with meat in it once in a while), and also trying not to grumble about the additional cost of chicken and red meat.  It’s tough.  I eat meat, but cook mostly vegetarian eats, and am always baffled by the belief that to be vegan/ vegetarian you’ve got to be… well, not poor. Hah!  We’re at the poverty line!  If I can afford it anybody can.  I suppose buying all the meat substitutes and higher end produce would be expensive, but that isn’t necessary.  Lentils and dried beans are cheap… so much cheaper than ground beef or sirloin or chicken breasts.  But I must relax, and stop grumbling about the cost of flesh eating.  It’s only a few recipes a month.  I ought not whine like a damn mule about it.
Ok.  I have babbled enough for one night.  Signing out.

400 Calorie Burn A Day Challenge

Filed under: Life, The Universe, And Everything — didibuttonsley @ 8:32 am
Calories burned Wednesday the 27th from exercising: 273  Food: 1457   Net: 1184
Calories burned Tuesday the 26th from exercising : 473  Food: 1796   Net: 1323

Today was supposed to be my first workout with my new workout buddy, Xrisi, but she had to cancel.  Blustery blizzardy weather got her behind on her tasks, so she was way late picking her car up from the shop.  I was kinda disappointed, though I suppose I’ll live.  We were scheduled to meet up at seven thirty pm, but no dice.  The bad part of this deal is that by the time I found out we wouldn’t be meeting up it was close to heading out the door time.  That late in the pm usually is not my favorite time for a workout, but if it is with a buddy that’s another story.  The loss of a partner diminished my desire to pump out serious cardio nearly immediately.  I did get in some yoga and pilates, but I had to force myself.

It was funny because this morning when I got up I really really wanted to work out, but held off because of the evening workout plans.  Dang.  Should have gone for it!  I took a short walk, so that’s something.  I am uber excited about our first workout on Friday, and am hoping this is a sign of changes and new things to come.

My current plan is to burn off about four hundred calories a day for the next 21 days.  I wrote down exercise combinations to help me achieve my 400 calorie burn a day goal.  I also created four new warm up yoga routines (about 17 minutes pre workout), and four new cool down routines (about 17 minutes post workout)  to help meet my goals.  With a little yoga before and after a workout, I only need to add 27 minutes of aerobics to hit 400 calories.  That isn’t so bad.  It’s also interesting to see that while it takes about 80 minutes (for me) to burn off four hundred calories with walking (or pilates/ yoga), the same can be done with only 40 minutes of aerobics.  I am tracking with myfitnesspal again (that’s where I generated all these numbers), and I’ve been keeping my calories around 1600 a day.  Some days I get to 1800 depending on what I am eating, and how hungry I am that day.  1,800 calories is the maintenance amount for my old weight if I am totally sedentary.  Sometimes all these numbers are just so interesting!  Anyway, a 1200 net (1600 sans 400 burned with workout) will have me losing about two pounds a week.  Even though I’m not weighing in much, the numbers are giving me some goals to work towards, which I feel like I need at the moment.  I’ve done ok balancing my nutrition, but I’m still not getting in enough exercise and really need something to push for.  I want to be all strong and ready for action by the time the grass starts growing and the weather warms up.  Seriously, I’m going all stir crazy with the lack of outdoor activities and movement.  It’s gotta stop!
I will probably rely heavily on my cardio hula/ belly dancing/ and bhangra dancing dvds to take care of most of my daily four hundred.  I’m sure I’ll mix it up with walks and things on some days, but I can’t see myself doing eighty minutes of yoga or pilates a day every day.  I’d get too bored and lose interest.
As long as I am getting in workouts every day I am going to be much happier.  There’s not one good reason why I can’t take the time each day to take better care of my body.  I’ve been making too many lame winter related excuses for my idleness, and it’s just silly.  Every time I post I am going to put my numbers before the post as a way to track the next twenty one days.  Why twenty one?  It takes twenty one days for new synapses, connections between neurons, to become established.  If I push for a daily goal of burning about four hundred calories a day for the next three weeks I will establish some new patterns.  New is good.

I am truly looking to extend this personal “400 calorie burn a day challenge” until April first, so that I can really solidify good habits.  (I realize that in the future I may not always work out for an hour/hour and twenty minutes a day, but it’s a good idea for right now as I do want to drop excess pounds and have the extra time on my hands)  Xrisi and I are working out Friday (our nights will be Wednesdays and Fridays), so I’m going to tell her about my workout goals.  Hopefully it’ll inspire me to stay on track.  The Cubs promised to work out a few times a week with me, and he’s been informed of my goals as well.  So yeah, even if I don’t hit exactly four hundred a day, I think it’s a great number to shoot for.

I want to develop more strength and tone, and am hoping that routine yoga will help my poor poor lower back out.  I get a lot of lower back pain, and have been too broke to go and get adjusted, so I’ve kinda been putting up with it.  Swimming and lots of walking helped immensely in the summer, but the last couple of months it has gotten very unpleasant again.  I know that much of that is my own fault!  Yes, I do have some legit issues with my back and right shoulder (my collar bone is a couple of inches lower on the right than on the left), but inactivity worsens those issues.  Much of the discomfort is taken care of if I make it a point to stay active.

This personal challenge of mine is meant not only to help me physically, but emotionally as well.  I want to feel stronger, healthier, and more in tune with my body.  I’d like increased stamina, improved posture, and to feel a bit more graceful in my own skin.

So, here’s to myfitnesspal, and my piles of workout dvds!  Hooray for 2013!!


mostly complaining October 25, 2012

Filed under: Life, The Universe, And Everything — didibuttonsley @ 2:54 pm

The other day I had to renew about thirty items in my etsy shop at a charge of twenty cents an item.  When an item is listed on etsy it costs twenty cents, and that item will then be listed for six months or until it sells.  Believe me, having to renew thirty items because they did not sell in six months didn’t put a big grin on my face.  What it made me do was change my prices… again… for the umpteenth time.  The only plus is that I discovered Betsi Lite which is a free app that permits bulk edits to etsy listings.  What a time saver!  Without it a person  has to go into each item listing to edit it, and that burns away time like nothing if there are a multitude of items that need to be edited.

I am hoping and praying that November and December will be extremely successful selling months for me, because those are the top two shopping months of the year.  I want to be able to keep adding items to my shop, and I’d love to keep expanding on my merchandise, but I simply cannot do that when nothing is selling.    I believe I have 107 items stocked right now, and I significantly dropped prices in the hopes that perhaps etsy’s suggested pricing method isn’t always correct.  Yeah, I’d like to be able to use a simple formula to figure out my etsy prices, but if no product is moving maybe that formula isn’t always reliable.  At this point I feel that I’ve done everything correctly that is recommended for new shop owners to do, and I can’t help feeling like something just isn’t clicking.  So now I have retreated to my room all in a fluster and feeling that everything that I have done I have failed at.  Triple sigh.

This blog is going to be nothing but complaints complaints complaints.  On to my next one.

I’ve been thinking about throwing away my scale for the last several months, and today I have decided to get rid of it and get another one.  The only reason that I’ve not smashed it with a hammer or thrown it out is because it was a more expensive scale, and the stupid thing is only a year and a half old.  However, the readings go apeshit so frequently that I am now of the opinion that I need to cut my losses.  I picked it because I thought it was kind of pretty, and figured that a more expensive one would work better and last longer.  No such luck.  It’s a clear glass scale with silver in the corners, and can tell a person all sorts of info like muscle mass and bone density and blah blah blah.  What it can’t do is give clear readings anymore.  Sometimes I step onto it and it gives me a number that is about ten pounds under my last reading.  Although I’d love to believe the number I know it isn’t true.  So I will get off and step back on and then the number will swing to five pounds over my last weigh in.  It’ll read a different number each time I step on, and sometimes, eventually, whatever is making the scale crazy will stop and it will settle on a number that is most likely true.  If this happens I will get off and get on again several times to confirm it, and if the number stays the same three times I will record it.  Sillyness!  Today it told me that I weigh several pounds more than I did yesterday, which is flat out impossible, because I record my calorie intake every fricken day.  I’m not starting my period or anything either.  It’s the last straw.  The readings bounced around and bounced around until I gave up on the thing, and decided that I’ll just buy a cheap one that isn’t digital and doesn’t require batteries.

Grrrr.  There is one week left in the month, and I’ve been kicking ass on making it to my goal of 205.8, so seeing a number jump up three pounds overnight for no reason whatsoever really got me riled.  Each scale is slightly different though, so I’m hoping that purchasing a new one won’t throw my numbers off too much.  Quadruple sigh.

One non complaint in this blog- I finally found my soft tape measure the other day.  I had guessed in a previous blog that my waist was at least an inch smaller, and guess what?  It is two and a half inches smaller! That’s a huge difference for a 6.4 pound loss, don’t you think?  It is visibly noticeable though, and that’s for sure.  My boyfriend comments about my shrinking waistline pretty frequently, so at least visually things are going my way in spite of the irritation of a malfunctioning scale.

I worked out for forty five minutes to an hour every day for about two and a half weeks straight, and I believe that is what is mostly responsible for the waistline shrinkage.  For the last two and a half weeks I have been having trouble sleeping at night again (damn it) and haven’t been getting up as early.  I’ve been feeling groggy a lot and skipping the workouts, and opting to take walks instead.  Walking is great, but I don’t see fast results with it, so today I am going to force myself to start up aerobics again.

Someday I will no longer have to think about how much weight I’ve got to lose.   That will be a good day.


goals for the year October 20, 2012

Filed under: Life, The Universe, And Everything — didibuttonsley @ 12:40 pm

By now all of you probably know that I have become obsessed with myfitnesspal.  I have now been using it for three weeks, and am getting great results.  Well, this past week I thought that I would be a genius-and-a-half and tamper with something that was already giving me results.  Why?  Who the hell knows.  I guess I like to rock my own damn boat when the sailing is too smooth. The trouble started when I noticed that even though I had it set for a one pound loss per week I tended to net a lower amount of calories each day.  I was eating the calorie amount for a one and a half pound loss per week, so I thought I may as well change the setting.  HA fuckin’ ha.  Doing that made my brain go into “Oh-my-god-I-am-dieting-and-now-I-must-eat-the-universe-after-drenching-it-in-melted-cheese-and-hollandaise-sauce” mode.  For the last couple of days all I’ve wanted to do was eat enormous quantities of food, and I don’t even know why.  I looked at my allotted number of calories per day and it just felt too low.  Seeing a smaller number made me feel hungrier and more restricted.  Today I did myself a favor and set it back to the one pound loss.  I common sense slapped myself before things got out of hand.  I mean, geez, I came downstairs last night at around two a.m. and had a strong desire to smear chocolate sauce and Nutella across the kitchen counter, and then begin determinedly gnawing my way through it.

I’ve been considering switching the settings each week so that my body doesn’t get too used to any one thing, but after this weeks interesting results I question whether or not that is a good idea.  I think that if I switched the setting for a two pound loss my mind would blow up and I’d go and eat five pound cakes and chase ’em down with a gallon of chocolate milk.  Eeew, I wouldn’t do that, but you see my point.  Apparently it is better for me to see a higher number and then consume a few hundred less than that per day than to see the lower number, go crazy, and feel too restricted.  Whatever, brain.  You may have won the battle but I will win the war.  So there.  My goal is to lose six pounds a month for October, November, and December, and then drop down to five pounds for January, February, and March, and then four pounds per month for April, May, and June.  That will bring me close to my goal (about four pounds away), and then I can reevaluate and decide what I want to do from there.  Whatever the case may be I ought to be able to get to my old weight (from my late teens and early twenties) in just under a year.

I strongly hope that during my year of weight loss I will achieve many other things other than physical health.  I am hoping that this year of change will help me figure out EXACTLY what I wish to choose as a career.  I want to figure out where I wish to live, and how I wish to fit into the world.  I figure that I’ve screwed around enough in my twenties and it is time to grow up and decide what kind of life I want.  Over the years I’ve bounced around so much that I question what it is exactly that I have to show for any of it.  Ya know, I’ve got a great boyfriend, a lot of good stories, fun memories, and an interesting outlook on life, but I don’t have financial security, a career, a real place in the world, and a complete sense of self.  I have many good bits drifting around in a sea of indecision and fearfulness.  I’d like to trim away my insecurities so that I can achieve that Glowey State that I miss so much.

It’s no longer about being able to fit into a dress.  I want a strong sense of self and purpose.  I want job satisfaction and plenty of money to spend on traveling and life’s extras.  I really hope that by the time I turn thirty next August I’ve got a lot of this stuff figured out.  Fingers crossed.


shrinking waist line and holiday hand jobs October 12, 2012

Filed under: Life, The Universe, And Everything — didibuttonsley @ 11:42 am

At the end of my nine months of dark drear I clocked in at 213 pounds.  That means I experienced a twenty pound gain after moving back from Sarasota.  Yipes yipes yipes.  Today I weighed in at 208.4, and I feel so happy about that four and a half pound loss.  Myfitnesspal has completely changed the way that I view weight loss and maintenance, so god fricken bless the folks that came up with that site, and doubley bless ’em for creating an app for it for smart phones.

Even though I’ve only been tracking with it for two weeks and a few days it has quickly reshaped the way that I eat.  I’m not starving, suffering, or dieting.  What I am doing is being more aware of what a couple extra pieces of bread at meals will do to my body in the long run.  I can cut out snacks that don’t do much for me, and enjoy better meals because of it.  I’ve consumed cookies, candy bars, Pizza Hut (boyfriend pick), and Wendy’s, and still dropped 4.6 pounds.  It’s nice to have a win after so many months of stress and frustration.

It’s also nice to be working towards something, and still be able to enjoy the present moment.  I’m thinking more clearly and not having such a tough time making my big life decisions, and that is a blessing.  Cubby and I have had some intense, and even tearful conversations about our future together, which is fabulous.  I felt as though we were kind of stuck in limbo for a while there, and neither one of us really had a handle on how to move forward.  Now the two of us are getting things done and making progress together, and I can’t ask for more than that.  It’s like we are all happy and newly in love with each other all over again.  Hoo-fucking-ray for that.  It’s been so rough for both of us since last winter, and I am so excited that we’ll get to enjoy all the holidays in a calm house together.

Seriously.  Our holiday season was pretty warped a year ago.  Last year I thought it would be fun for the kids to help me decorate the house and the tree.  That’s a pretty standard fun thing for kids to do, right?  It escalated into my cousin having a fit, screaming for reasons we couldn’t fathom, and the kids being sent to bed early.  That is the opposite of happy holidays in my opinion.  I love love love love love Halloween, Thanksgiving, and Christmas, and last year that whole chunk of time was way more stressful than it needed to be.  Last year we didn’t have money for a real tree, so we used a fake one that my mom gave me.  I am not a fan of fake trees.  This year we’re getting a ten foot tall live tree, and I don’t care what it takes.  If I have to give handeys to truckers behind the Ihop out by the interstate, so be it.  I believe in Christmas miracles, damn it.

Ya know, this started off as a blog post about my improving health and mental state, and now it has gradually shifted into me pledging to provide sexual favors in exchange for the promise of Christmas cheer.  I better get the hell off of this lappy.  Who knows what babbles my fingers will be producing next.


mushrooms, chardonnay, and foolish ramblings October 6, 2012

Filed under: Life, The Universe, And Everything — didibuttonsley @ 11:09 am

So I’ve got an old friend who is really into mushrooming, and I’m not talking about hallucinogenic substances here, folks.  He goes foraging every fall for edible mushrooms.  Last fall he gave me a bag of miatake mushrooms that he had dried in a dehydrator and I was totally hooked.  None of those mushrooms made it into any dishes because I ate them dried like chips.  The taste was so nutty and good that I vowed to go mushrooming myself one day.  Last week I remembered this vow, so The Cubs and I looked a bit at Bong (yup, that’s the name- you can look it up) State Recreational Park.  We didn’t have much luck.  I didn’t want to give up, so I called my friend the other day and asked him if he wanted to share some mushrooming knowledge with me, because I felt like if the two of us went together we’d do well.  The weather was totally weird this year, so it was supposedly a bad year for mushrooms but he said we could go anyway.  Boy oh boy was he thrilled that we went.  We found twenty pounds of mushrooms.  Yes.  That is what I said.  Twenty.  Pounds.

Miatakes grow at the bottom of well established oaks.  Here is what they look like.
My friend took this bad blurry pic of the biggest one that we nabbed.  This weighed over ten pounds.
He explained how miatakes were being used in cancer research on humans, and how good they are for the body.  He told me they are a great mushroom for newbies like me to hunt for because they only grow around the bases of old oaks, and there isn’t anything else that looks like them that is poisonous or harmful.  He’s been going mushrooming since he was a kid, and told me that he never never ever eats what he cannot identify, but miatakes are so easy to identify, and are so large, that it’s like striking a gold mine.
We went to several different areas and tromped around in the woods for a few hours.  Unfortunately, a lot of the ones we found were totally dried up and inedible.  They’ve got to be harvested with about a week and a half of coming up, or they dry out and get all hard and gross.  On the plus side, they pretty much grow in the same spots each year, so now he has new places to go to next fall.  (we’re planning on moving, so I probably won’t be here next fall)  In town the elder Italian and Greek populations harvest miatakes in the public parks, so he said unless you get there right away you are better off searching out in the county, which is what we were doing.
My friend told me that the cash value of the mushrooms we harvested was around six hundred dollars.  How crazy is that?  Miatakes are super expensive because they only grow in the midwest and in Japan, and are picky about where they will establish.  They require specific soil conditions which is why they clump up around old (and dead) oak trees.  Oaks happen to be one of my favorite trees, so I have no problem spotting them in the woods.
Cleaning them was a chore, but it was actually kind of relaxing.  Each layer has to be pulled apart, because rolly polly buggies like to hang out in the crevices.  The ones that are going to be dehydrated have to be torn into small pieces so that they all dry at the same time, and we were literally cleaning and pulling apart mushrooms for three hours.  Can you believe that?  There were two of us for pete’s sake, and we weren’t drinking that much chardonnay (at that point.)  Thankfully the mushrooms were extremely clean, and didn’t have much dirt in them at all.  He said sometimes they get a lot of dirt packed into the layers and it is a total pain in the ass to get the dirt out.  Shaking bugs out wasn’t that big of a deal, and I’m thankful they weren’t very dirty, cause three hours is a long damn time to be cleaning mushrooms.
On the way home we stopped and I bought a 48 ounce bottle of Yellowtail chardonnay.  My friend is a cook and a foodie, and he wanted to try roasting some mushrooms in the chardonnay.  The giant bottle was on sale, so it wasn’t much more costly than the normal human sized bottle.  I’d have been silly not to get the big bottle, right?  Yesterday I had a piece of toast, some raw almonds, and an apple at around ten thirty.  I didn’t want to go over my calories, so I got the brilliant idea that I’d just have chardonnay for dinner, and a few roasted mushrooms.  Ah, me.  I ought to have scanned the bottle right away, because then I would have known that the chardonnay is actually pretty low in calories, and I wouldn’t have gotten so totally all encompassing-ly shit faced.  I now know that half a forty eight ounce bottle of yellow tail chardonnay equals 228 calories.  I burned off more than that during my morning workout.  With all the calories I burned off yesterday figured in I ended up having 1,074 left over for the day.  I was completely blasted by seven pm, but dang it- I sure as hell didn’t go over my calories for the day.
Let me once again say how much I adore myfitnesspal.  I now see how truly simple it is to eat well.  Wanna eat extras during the day?  Fine, do that, just work out for a good forty five minutes every morning.  Wanna drink 24 ounces of chardonnay?  No problem, do twenty minutes of yoga, twenty minutes of aerobics, and maybe don’t skip dinner.  Where was I going wrong with my calories before?  Extra bread is the culprit.  Extra bread and snacking on cheese was how I was going over calories each day by about 280, and that little bit equaled out to me carrying around an extra forty eight pounds.  The math makes it simple for my half drunk silly brain to understand.  Now I carefully measure rice, pasta, and bready stuff, and make sure that most of my meals consist of veggies.  Suddenly it is the easiest thing in the world to do.  I even had Wendy’s for dinner the other night (homestyle chicken sandwich and a large fry, but no soda) cause I had salad for lunch and got in a really good workout.  I stayed within my calories and still got to have some terrible food that made my tummy smile with delight.  Good deal, right?
I actually thought about documenting myself eating a fast food meal once a day and still losing weight, but I would actually hate eating fast food ever day. I like it once in a while, but that’s it for me.  Still, wouldn’t that be a hilarious thing to document?  I think it’s so dumb that everybody these days is all “Oh, fast food is sooooo bad for you blah blah blah” ever since that damn Super Size Me documentary was done.  It isn’t McDonald’s fault that people are fat as hell here and their kids are fat as hell.  Take responsibility for yourself.  Jeez.  Those places weren’t created to be the sole food source to raise your children and yourselves on.  Fast food isn’t bad for people, people are bad for people.  K, I kinda went off on a tangent there.
This morning I was looking at myself in the mirror and noticed that I have definitely absolutely lost at least an inch to my waist line.  Unfortunately I can’t measure because I lost my damn soft tape measure thingy.  It’s nice to see these changes though!
Thank god I own the Cadillac of dehydrators (Excalibur 9 tray).  The sucker is full, but I still have two more batches of mushrooms to go.  And I am also quite hungover.  Have a good weekend, ladies and gents.

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