bits of string and sealing wax

my quest to achieve a balanced life

too much time spent on the same old thing March 5, 2013

Filed under: Life, The Universe, And Everything — didibuttonsley @ 12:48 am

Why am I still continuing to choose to focus on my weight instead of other areas of my life?   Yeah, that’s right.  I used the word CHOOSE, because it absolutely is a choice.  Nobody puts food in my mouth for me.  I do that with my own two hands.  It’s much scarier for me to think about needing to move, deciding which city to live in, needing to find a decent job, deciding on a career, and living out in the world every day than it is to think about my weight and what I look like.  I guess that’s why I gained so much weight six years ago.  I guess that’s why I carry around an extra forty pounds now.   I am so terrified of being totally empowered and independent.  I question myself and my abilities constantly.  At 29 years old I am still insecure, and don’t really know who I am or where I want to be, or what I really want.  Sure, I have figured out a lot of things through trial and error.  I figured out that I got into bad relationships as a way to distract myself.  Ended that cycle, yay me!  I stopped dating argumentative douche bags who dragged me down and didn’t know me.  I took a break, regrouped, and decided that I deserved real love.  I’ve never looked back, and am now in the best relationship of my life.  He adores me, appreciates me, and loves me even on my worst day, and is always uber supportive of me.  That’s a good thing.  I also stopped hanging around draining people who didn’t support me in positive ways.  Another plus.  My relationships are much fewer now, but I no longer feel all worn and drawn because of them.

I am trying to accept myself as a writer, an artist, and a healer.  It’s tricky doing so, because I currently am not making enough money from these things to support myself.  I feel like maybe my energy is still too scattered and indecisive.  I worry a lot.

I thought that I could make enough money selling Norwex so that I wouldn’t have to get a full time job during the week, but that isn’t working out as planned.  Should I keep trying?  Maybe I need to get something full time during the week, and just see what happens.  That probably makes the most sense.  I can’t keep waiting for everything to happen.  I need to make it happen.  Or let it happen.  I don’t know.

It seems that I am very focused on getting in my daily workouts, and burning at least four hundred calories a day.  It’s good that I am consistently achieving this goal that I set for myself, but MORE needs to happen.  Weight and health aren’t the only slice of my pie.  If I don’t tend to the total package things are not going to turn out well.  I’ll lose weight and gain it back again- and be stuck in that same cycle.

I should be writing, and practicing the metaphysical healing, and re doing the pictures for my etsy shop.  I should be pouring over my Norwex training dvds and finding ways to improve sales and bookings.  It seems I spend a great deal of time figuring out my calories for the day, and food, and the workouts that I’ll be doing.  And then I’m not doing a whole lot else.  It concerns me, because that is precisely what I don’t want.  I DON’T want to be making everything about my weight anymore.

When I am at goal I WILL STILL HAVE TO DEAL WITH EVERYTHING ELSE IN MY LIFE.  NOTHING WILL GO AWAY OR MAGICALLY BE BETTER.  Weighing less doesn’t actually equal a suddenly perfect life.  I think that fat people are addicted to the dream and the promise of this beautiful fairy tale future.  When I am thin… fill in the blank.  (I will meet my true love, I will wear nice clothing, I will take dance classes, yadda yadda yadda)  But the dream can be better than the reality, otherwise so many wouldn’t lose a bunch of weight only to gain it back.

I still have to learn how to be more confident in myself, more sure of myself, less nervous, less awkward around people, less indecisive… etc.  I still have to learn how to live better and be happier with myself.  I am flustered with myself because I write about all this stuff, but still am only putting effort into working out and fitness.

writing, etsy shop, metaphysical healing, my relationships, norwex, workouts, nutrition, finding a job during the week, saving money for the move, picking where to live  THESE are all the things I should be thinking about

What I think about mostly: workouts, nutrition, my relationships, And then I spend a lot of time worrying or putting off everything else.  Makin’ excuses.  That’s me.  Indecisive and always daydreaming about something new or what I should try next.  Where is my commitment to myself?  Where?  I want to be gentle with myself, and give myself time, but the relative idleness needs to stop.  I’ve got to buckle down and pour my heart and energy into things.  I’ve spent enough time in limbo land.  I need to rejoin the living.

metaphysical healing, norwex, workouts, nutrition, relationships, etsy, writing, saving money for the move, finding a job

maybe if I type the list enough times I’ll start putting more effort into ALL the areas of my life instead of just some of them.  Double sigh.  I feel like I need so much help, and I am not entirely sure how to get it.  I have to act.  This is the year for changes and finally getting to know myself.  I just wish I didn’t feel so uncertain, hesitant, and scared about it.


week one of 400 burn challenge completed March 4, 2013

Filed under: Life, The Universe, And Everything — didibuttonsley @ 4:09 pm

Today is the final day of the first week of my Burn 400 Calories a Day Challenge.  How am I feeling on the last day of my first week?  Pretty awesome, actually.  I am already noticing that I feel slightly more energetic than a dead bear, and the image in the mirror reflecting back shows a woman with more tone and increased confidence.  Did I manage to burn at least 400 calories every day for my first seven days of the challenge?  Actually, no.  On Wednesday I was very sore, so I chose to burn 273 calories with a short walk and some pilates.  I didn’t want to push too hard, and regret it.  Then on Saturday I had terrible cramps, but I did con myself into taking a half an hour walk.  That was as good as it was gonna get that day, and I am happy that I pushed myself to do anything.  I generally don’t get cramps as bad as those killers, and am wondering if all the aerobic workouts had something to do with the fact that my uterus was trying to crawl the fuck out of my body cramping so badly on Saturday.  But here’s the good part:  400 calories a day for a week equals a total of 2, 800 calories.  My weekly total of burned calories is 3,572. Take that to the freaking bank! No.  Really.  Somebody please give me 3,572 dollars to put into my bank account.  I deserve it, and could use the money.  In spite of not making four hundred on two different days I still killed the challenge by burning off 772 extra calories for the week.  This makes my first week of my Burn 400 Challenge a success in my opinion.  Here’s to achieving increased strength, feeling more toned, and being more at home in my own body.

I was going to update my measurements and all that jazz, but I have opted to wait until Aunt Flo exits the premises.  I’ve not recorded any numbers for the month of March yet, so it’ll be interesting to see where I am at.

Not much else has been going on today.  We are trying a new crockpot recipe “Cheesy White Chili” that should be about done, and is smelling fantastic.  I am going to begin posting the crockpot recipes that are suitable for freezer use pretty soon.  Hopefully it’ll be of use to folks who want to try this brilliant time/ money saver.  It has been a wonder for us around here, and definitely cuts down on the number of times we give in to temptation (and laziness) and go grab takeout instead of actually cooking dinner.  I’ll probably also post the low cost and favorite meals that I regularly cook when we aren’t using the crockpot.  I’d like to post calorie info and cost of meal per serving and all that stuff, so I really need to figure out all those details.  For now, I’d better go sample my recipe.  😉  Happy Monday, gang.


back to 3fc

Filed under: Life, The Universe, And Everything — didibuttonsley @ 12:46 am

I stopped posting on this site for a while, so there is a gap between posts that stretches for some months, but I’ve decided to go back to double posting.  I am very back in the game with my fitness, and am looking for additional support to stay motivated.

I used to have a lovely gang here at 3fc.  We kept up with each others blogs, and there were plenty of encouraging comments.  I miss those days!  Most of my old bloggy buddies from 3fc moved to blogger, and quite a few of them don’t post anymore.  I know people get busy, but I miss the support of my girls!  I decided to come back because I am on the hunt for new people to connect with and a few new blogs to read.


hardcore cardio workout nights = win March 2, 2013

Filed under: Life, The Universe, And Everything — didibuttonsley @ 9:43 am
Calories Burned On Friday The First of March : 732  (i’d add my calories and net, but am too lazy to go and look ’em up)
Yesterday Xrisi and I had our first official workout, and it was a lot of fun.  We did about an hour of cardio, and my ass was definitely kicked, but in a happy, and satisfying way.  What workouts did we do?  Well, we did the warm up and two segments of Tony Horton’s Ten Minute Trainer (upper body and lower body- damn all those squats!) to start off with.  Xrisi used to do all five of the ten minute trainer segments every day without fail, and lost an unbelievable amount of weight in five months (like, 80 pounds for Pete’s sake!), so she has a soft spot for those circuits.  I had heard of P90X, but as that is an advanced system for folks already in shape and looking to really push themselves, it clearly isn’t a program I have tried.  She’s got that one too, but we’re going to need to work up to it!  My first experience with Tony Horton was favorable.  I love that he is cheesy, and kind of funny, and that definitely worked for me.  I bet it would drive some people shit city insane. 😉  His workouts are GREAT though!  Now, having said that, I think that Tony’s workouts are totally and ridiculously overpriced when compared with similar workouts by lesser known trainers.  There are many other 10 minute circuit style dvds that do the same thing without costing 90 dollars for a total “package.”  Xrisi bought the package long ago, and it comes with the five ten minute workouts, a resistance band, a measuring tape, a calendar…. sheesh.  Beachbody is definitely trying to make money, buuuuuut they are helping people get in shape, so I suppose it is a trade off.  The dvd by itself is 40.75 on amazon.  Come on.  Forty one dollars plus shipping for a single 50 minute dvd?
Ok, enough harping on the price, especially since I didn’t pay for the thing!  She’s going to copy it for me provided that they have a dvd copying program thingy, so if I can get a free copy I will purchase a set of resistance bands.  A very nice set of bands is 25 bucks on Amazon… less than the silly dvd!  If not, I suppose doing it twice a week on our workout nights is ok, because I have a lot of other things to choose from at home.
We also did two of the fifteen minute segments off of Hemalayaa’s Bollywood Burn.  I brought my stack of Hemalayaa workout dvds, because I thought Xrisi would like them as much as I do.  Success! I’ve got seven of Hemalayaa’s dvds, so we have got a lot of cardio variety to choose from.  Sweet deal!  I brought the stack so she could copy them if she wanted, which would be nice because then I won’t have to bring piles of dvds over on Wednesdays and Thursdays.  I also have four cardio hula workouts, and seven belly dancing ones to choose from, so there is no way that our workout nights are going to get dull.  Next week the plan is to continue with the ten minute trainer segments, add in some dance, and then finish with my personally created twenty four minute yoga cool down.  Our workout time yesterday was fifty minutes, but in the future we definitely want to add in the looooong winding down and stretching.  My guess is that we’ll gradually build until we are getting in ninety minutes total.
It is fabulous having somebody to work out with who is so excited and happy about it!  The Cubs is supportive and good at working out with me, but Xrisi brings a bubbly amount of cheer and enthusiasm that is completely infectious.  She is emotionally ready to get back into top shape, and we are sooooo on the same page about our past struggles with eating disorders, dieting, body and self image, and everything else.  I love having her to talk to, and I love that what started out as a book club has now turned into two nights of intense work outs twice a week.  I feel like we’re both in it to win it.  She has pledged to get in at least two additional workouts on her own during the week, and I am pledged to workout every day.  We are good motivators for each other, and it’s pretty cool.  This is absolutely and without a doubt the year that I get my strength and fitness level back.  I can’t wait to return to the healthy size me that I used to know.  Heck, this me will be even better than before.  I now value so much more than just how I look.  I want my body to be strong, because I have strong character on the inside, and bring great value to others and myself.  Yup.  I can be the best me every day, and before I know it the extra pain I’ve been wearing will shed and fall away.  Not sure why it needed to take me six years to re work and work through all of this stuff, but I have to respect my personal time table.  It needed to happen this way, and I am feeling more and more ok with that each day.  It’s never too late!  I can figure out the complex puzzle of who I am, and what I want, and where I want to be!

I am glad that I used January and most of February to do so much reflecting, and I am also glad that I took a break from calorie counting, weighing, and otherwise obsessing in a totally negative way about my fitness progress.  It’s given me some fresh insight, and now I’m pumped and ready to go.  I’m focused on the total package of me, instead of just the food/ weight parts.  That is a good thing.  No more “Oh, when I am at goal all my dreams will come true!  It’s because I’m too fat that I don’t have the life that I want.”  Hah.  I call bullshit on myself.
Face it face it face it.  Weight is easier to deal with than the real deep issues underneath that caused us to overeat, and hide, and gain all the weight in the first place.  We used weight as a way to protect ourselves from other pains.  It is painful to yo-yo and always be thinking about weight and body image, but we all choose.  We choose to make weight and body image our focus, because the other things (growing up, becoming independent, choosing a career, having healthy relationships,  living in the world, expressing our sexuality, etc.) are too scary for us.  I choose to move on and let that part of my life go.  I want to live in the world again, and be present.  I want to think about my healing, and art, and writing.  I wish to focus on my supportive friends, and take dance classes, and meet new people to go on camping trips and hikes with.  I wish to offer my unique perspective to others, and find my happy place in the world.  I am ready to let go of dreaming of my perfect future that will only occur once I weigh a certain amount.  I am ready to actively create my perfect life right now, this day, this hour.

So yeah.  March is seriously awesome so far.


workouts and crockpot cooking round two

Filed under: Life, The Universe, And Everything — didibuttonsley @ 8:34 am
Calories burned on Thursday the 28th: 551      Food: 1382        Net:  831

Today my lower back was being wayyy too troublesome for me to do the workout that I initially wanted to do, but I improvised like a fricken champ.  I attempted to do some revolved triangle poses and rotated warrior poses when I got up this morning (using my yoga app on the iPhone- I created a lot of personal routines), and could only do them on one side pain free.  Leaning down to my right foot/side was A-OK, but down and towards the left was causing shooting pains today- so I stopped and decided I’d have to rethink the workouts for the day.  If my back is being troublesome and is particularly tight there are certain things I can’t risk doing.  I wanna workout, but I don’t want to snap my lower spine in twain.  On the plus side, there are still plenty of activities that are still fine even if I am experiencing a slight tendency towards gimpyness.  Some floor work/ pilates positions are out, as are some yoga positions, but walking and standing workouts are just fine.  Sooooo I created a special “sore back” routine that ran about twenty four minutes, and then paired it with about twenty minutes of strength training done standing with three pound hand weights.  I’m going to stick with my threes for the next month or two, but I kinda want to get fours at this point.  I am happy to report that I had no problem doing the warrior poses without the rotations.  I’m still a warrior – just without the sideways element!
I am happy to be tracking on myfitnesspal again.  Yeah, I needed a little break at the start of the year (a little break that turned into a six or seven week break), and I am glad that I recognized that and respected my inner feelings- but I’m excited to be tracking again.  I lost nine pounds in a couple of months, and then came the holidays, and then new years, and I wanted to focus elsewhere at the start of 2013 and not worry about counting calories.  Now that I’ve shoved the godforsakenscale into the damn closet, and calmed that demon down, I feel like I can approach things with a healthier and less obsessive attitude.  If I want to weigh I’ll take the scale out maybe once a week, tops.  No more driving my wee brain loco!!!
It is also nice to be using my yoga app on the phone again.  Oh, goddess, how I love my phone.  It lets me create workouts, and listen to great mixes, and track my calories burned and taken in, and it even wakes me lovingly in the morning with the sleep cycle alarm clock (Best.  Alarm clock.  Ever.)  Excuse me while I sneak off to snuggle my smartphone.  I could live without phoney, but life with him is pretty sweet too!
This afternoon I spent two hours chopping and prepping five vegetarian crock pot meals  (I made the four recipes with meat in them the other night) that are all now lined up in the freezer and ready to go.  The recipes are from two vegetarian crock pot cookbooks that I bought way back when, and then rarely used.  Crock pot cooking for one is silly, right?  So glad that now there is a reason to cook larger quantities!
I have to say that I love having these ready to go freezer meals on hand.  It has definitely helped us save money on groceries, and kept us from grabbing take out as often.  The Cubs likes it too, because he is usually the one to throw the meal in the crockpot in the morning, so he already knows that he’ll be getting his dinner on time. 😉  Last time I did the meals I made six of them by myself, but this second go round he helped me out with the chopping which cut the time down quite a bit.  It would have gone faster, but I was also doing loads of laundry at the time, and doing the dishes, and performing other random tasks that I noticed.  I’m a putz that way.  I do one thing, and then have three other side things going on at the same time.  The only mistake I made with the prepping was that in the “Cheesy White Chili” I added a tablespoon of curry instead of a tablespoon of cumin, because they were sitting next to each other on the counter.  Ooops.  I could tell that the end result will still be delicious though, so no harm no foul.
Speaking of foul, I regret to inform you lovely readers that the crockpot chicken marsala recipe we got off the internet was a huge disappointment.  It wasn’t terrible, but it sure as hell wasn’t chicken marsala, and I won’t bother making it again.  Marsala sauce is so so tasty, but the recipe we used just didn’t make the cut.  I must file the recipe under the “bad cooking” category.  I am scared that the bourbon chicken recipe is going to end up with the same underwhelming result.  I am thinking that I could likely devise my own crockpot chicken marsala recipe, and have it turn out better.  Hmmm.  I want some carnivorous crock pot recipes for my sweetie, and need to find a few more truly good ones.  I hate cooking meat for the most part, but don’t mind it as much in the crock pot, so it’s a good way to incorporate one or two meat based meals into the week.  (Once in a while I cook bacon, or make chicken or tuna salad- but otherwise I cook vegetarian meals)  Anybody know of a really banging (no chili or pot roast recipes- everybody knows how to do that in a crockpot) meaty recipe for the crockpot?  I have a couple that I got from a friend that are good (one is a stew with ring sausage, and the other has ground sausage), and wrote down some off of the internet to try, but suggestions are welcome.   Help!  We need more meat in our lives!
I have heard so many meat eaters say “Oh, I could never afford to be a vegetarian.”  Well.  All of those people are full of shit.  Cooking with meat is expensive.  I’m trying to branch out for my love (even though he loves my cooking, he likes to eat something with meat in it once in a while), and also trying not to grumble about the additional cost of chicken and red meat.  It’s tough.  I eat meat, but cook mostly vegetarian eats, and am always baffled by the belief that to be vegan/ vegetarian you’ve got to be… well, not poor. Hah!  We’re at the poverty line!  If I can afford it anybody can.  I suppose buying all the meat substitutes and higher end produce would be expensive, but that isn’t necessary.  Lentils and dried beans are cheap… so much cheaper than ground beef or sirloin or chicken breasts.  But I must relax, and stop grumbling about the cost of flesh eating.  It’s only a few recipes a month.  I ought not whine like a damn mule about it.
Ok.  I have babbled enough for one night.  Signing out.

400 Calorie Burn A Day Challenge

Filed under: Life, The Universe, And Everything — didibuttonsley @ 8:32 am
Calories burned Wednesday the 27th from exercising: 273  Food: 1457   Net: 1184
Calories burned Tuesday the 26th from exercising : 473  Food: 1796   Net: 1323

Today was supposed to be my first workout with my new workout buddy, Xrisi, but she had to cancel.  Blustery blizzardy weather got her behind on her tasks, so she was way late picking her car up from the shop.  I was kinda disappointed, though I suppose I’ll live.  We were scheduled to meet up at seven thirty pm, but no dice.  The bad part of this deal is that by the time I found out we wouldn’t be meeting up it was close to heading out the door time.  That late in the pm usually is not my favorite time for a workout, but if it is with a buddy that’s another story.  The loss of a partner diminished my desire to pump out serious cardio nearly immediately.  I did get in some yoga and pilates, but I had to force myself.

It was funny because this morning when I got up I really really wanted to work out, but held off because of the evening workout plans.  Dang.  Should have gone for it!  I took a short walk, so that’s something.  I am uber excited about our first workout on Friday, and am hoping this is a sign of changes and new things to come.

My current plan is to burn off about four hundred calories a day for the next 21 days.  I wrote down exercise combinations to help me achieve my 400 calorie burn a day goal.  I also created four new warm up yoga routines (about 17 minutes pre workout), and four new cool down routines (about 17 minutes post workout)  to help meet my goals.  With a little yoga before and after a workout, I only need to add 27 minutes of aerobics to hit 400 calories.  That isn’t so bad.  It’s also interesting to see that while it takes about 80 minutes (for me) to burn off four hundred calories with walking (or pilates/ yoga), the same can be done with only 40 minutes of aerobics.  I am tracking with myfitnesspal again (that’s where I generated all these numbers), and I’ve been keeping my calories around 1600 a day.  Some days I get to 1800 depending on what I am eating, and how hungry I am that day.  1,800 calories is the maintenance amount for my old weight if I am totally sedentary.  Sometimes all these numbers are just so interesting!  Anyway, a 1200 net (1600 sans 400 burned with workout) will have me losing about two pounds a week.  Even though I’m not weighing in much, the numbers are giving me some goals to work towards, which I feel like I need at the moment.  I’ve done ok balancing my nutrition, but I’m still not getting in enough exercise and really need something to push for.  I want to be all strong and ready for action by the time the grass starts growing and the weather warms up.  Seriously, I’m going all stir crazy with the lack of outdoor activities and movement.  It’s gotta stop!
I will probably rely heavily on my cardio hula/ belly dancing/ and bhangra dancing dvds to take care of most of my daily four hundred.  I’m sure I’ll mix it up with walks and things on some days, but I can’t see myself doing eighty minutes of yoga or pilates a day every day.  I’d get too bored and lose interest.
As long as I am getting in workouts every day I am going to be much happier.  There’s not one good reason why I can’t take the time each day to take better care of my body.  I’ve been making too many lame winter related excuses for my idleness, and it’s just silly.  Every time I post I am going to put my numbers before the post as a way to track the next twenty one days.  Why twenty one?  It takes twenty one days for new synapses, connections between neurons, to become established.  If I push for a daily goal of burning about four hundred calories a day for the next three weeks I will establish some new patterns.  New is good.

I am truly looking to extend this personal “400 calorie burn a day challenge” until April first, so that I can really solidify good habits.  (I realize that in the future I may not always work out for an hour/hour and twenty minutes a day, but it’s a good idea for right now as I do want to drop excess pounds and have the extra time on my hands)  Xrisi and I are working out Friday (our nights will be Wednesdays and Fridays), so I’m going to tell her about my workout goals.  Hopefully it’ll inspire me to stay on track.  The Cubs promised to work out a few times a week with me, and he’s been informed of my goals as well.  So yeah, even if I don’t hit exactly four hundred a day, I think it’s a great number to shoot for.

I want to develop more strength and tone, and am hoping that routine yoga will help my poor poor lower back out.  I get a lot of lower back pain, and have been too broke to go and get adjusted, so I’ve kinda been putting up with it.  Swimming and lots of walking helped immensely in the summer, but the last couple of months it has gotten very unpleasant again.  I know that much of that is my own fault!  Yes, I do have some legit issues with my back and right shoulder (my collar bone is a couple of inches lower on the right than on the left), but inactivity worsens those issues.  Much of the discomfort is taken care of if I make it a point to stay active.

This personal challenge of mine is meant not only to help me physically, but emotionally as well.  I want to feel stronger, healthier, and more in tune with my body.  I’d like increased stamina, improved posture, and to feel a bit more graceful in my own skin.

So, here’s to myfitnesspal, and my piles of workout dvds!  Hooray for 2013!!


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