bits of string and sealing wax

my quest to achieve a balanced life

tough month January 28, 2012

Filed under: Life, The Universe, And Everything — didibuttonsley @ 12:13 pm

I wasn’t going to write about any of this in my blog, but this morning I feel like I really need to.  If I don’t get it out of me and tell somebody I am likely to go banana sandwiches insane.  When I am happy with myself and the world I still tend to teeter on the brink of looney tunes, so I really don’t think putting myself at extra risk of purchasing a ticket to ‘toon town is worth it.
I am pregnant.  I wasn’t going to mention it to anybody until I was twelve  or sixteen weeks after my LMP, so nobody knows right now apart from Chris.  I didn’t tell my closest friend because she had a miscarriage right before I moved away from Sarasota, and I know she is still very sad about it.  It isn’t her first miscarriage either, so it is a pretty upsetting topic for her.
Something is wrong.  I have had an unusual amount of cramping for weeks, and experienced light spotting a number of times.  I thought that I was going to miscarry, but it never completed.  My body feels off, and I have been sick a lot.  I have been very stressed out since Christmas, because there wasn’t much that could be done.  My pregnancy is just too early to tell much.  I spoke with two ob/gyns on Thursday, and both recognized a problem with the images in my ultra sound.  Basically, I just have to wait another two weeks before I find out anything.  I am definitely pregnant, but there is a dark mass preventing a good visual of the growing fetus.
Here are some possibilities of what is happening: a complete or partial molar pregnancy, an ectopic pregnancy, or uterine fibroids.  About fifty percent of women have uterine fibroids, and they are almost always benign, so that one doesn’t concern me.  The only thing that I am really worried about is the ectopic pregnancy, because sometimes women can’t give birth anymore after having one.  🙁  The female doctor was very nice and supportive, and in her opinion my body is trying to miscarry because something is wrong.  I agree, but it is very painful to think about.  Unfortunately neither doc that I spoke to can tell what is going on yet, so further testing is required.  Both were very helpful, and both recommended that I simply wait for two weeks.  So here I am, waiting.
The woman told me that it could take months for me to miscarry naturally.  Thinking about that makes me so sad.  It is likely that they will ask me to do a D & C, and I am just praying that it isn’t an ectopic pregnancy.
We have cried about it.  I burst into tears pretty frequently.  Most days I experience cramps in my abdomen and uterus, and last night it got so bad that I just had to retreat to my bed and try not to move.  My hormones are going nutso; I can’t sleep at night or get comfortable.  I feel bloated, exhausted, weak, and confused.  I think about the possibility of having a baby with serious birth defects.
I still haven’t told anybody anything, because at this point I don’t even know what to say.  I am not sure what is happening myself, and I don’t know if I can handle any questions right now.  I wanted to tell my mom, but she and my stepdad are ultra religious, so I don’t know what her response will be.  I can’t tell if she would be truly loving and sympathetic, or start in with the whole “God’s plan” stuff (which is her way of not dealing with it), and say that I just need to pray (which I do every night anyway, but my mother likes to mention it in stressful times as though I am some lost and unfortunate heathen).  I don’t want to risk hearing that, because I am afraid that I’d respond poorly.  You know, like maybe I would punch her in the nose and call her an insensitive bitch.  🙁  🙁  🙁
In spite of all this going on I am really trying to keep working on myself in positive ways.  I am having a hard time keeping up with the positive affirmations, because a lot of my thoughts are pretty sad and self defeating at the moment.  We are trying to plan for the move and talk about a bright and sunny future, but there is this painful lump of lead holding us down.  How am I supposed to process somebody saying, “Sorry sweetie, your pregnancy is abnormal, and that poor baby probably won’t make it.”?  I have another appointment on the ninth.  It feels light years away.


10 Responses to “tough month”

  1. unskinnygirl Says:

    I’m so sorry to hear that your going through all of this. I know it is so hard to deal with. My sister had multiple miscarriages,I myself had a chemical pregnancy. However,I cannot even pretend to know what it’s like,to carry the baby and not know what’s going to happen. That’s a very tough situation to go through. I hope everything ends up alright. Sometimes these situations can turn around. I wish you the best,I hope you find the support you need during this time.

  2. didibuttonsley Says:

    @ unskinnygirl – Thank you for the kind words. Any miscarriage is difficult, but this is just tough because I know that something is wrong, and so do the ob’s, but nobody can determine what exactly is happening.

  3. unskinnygirl Says:

    Not knowing would be the worst part. Your probably not sure what you should prepare yourself for. Once you know,you can start to prepare yourself for what’s to come. Whether that be a positive or negative out come. I hope they can figure this out soon.

  4. susana Says:

    Dear didi, I imagine you must be in deep pain for this, and hope things turn our fine. Unfortunately the course of events is not in your hands but in other hands –God’s, nature’s, the doctors’–, so all you can do is be patient and wait. Take refuge in those who love you and don’t think you are supposed to be strong and all that superwoman stuff, because all of us need help and support, so don’t be afraid to ask. All my love from this distant place…

  5. goodnuff Says:

    Oh Didi…I’m so sorry. I am sending you, Chris and the baby positive thoughts. I’ll pray for strength and comfort for all of you through this most difficult time. Not knowing has got to be the hardest part. I don’t know your entire history but if you haven’t had other ectopic (tubal) pregnancies and your Fallopian tube is not damaged than there are lots of reasons to believe you’ll be able to have a successful pregnancy in the future. I don’t say this to minimize what is happening only to offer you hope during a terrible time.

  6. pepagirl Says:

    I’m so sorry sweetie, trust me I know exactly what you are going through. Pretty much the same thing happened to me last October and I know its not easy. My personal suggestion is to try everything you can to relax and get it off your mind. Stressing out is the last thing that you need right now. If you have any questions or want to chat leave me a comment and we can exchange info. Take care!

  7. didibuttonsley Says:

    @ Goodnuff – Thanks. I know the info about ectopic pregnancies, but my mind was fixating on the worse-case scenario. I honestly don’t feel that that’s what is going on, but I’m so stressed and upset that my thoughts keep drifting to nightmare scenarios.

  8. felesi Says:

    Sending you and Chris all my thoughts and love and prayers. I’m sure the last thing you wanted is a billion people making a fuss when you’re already so upset, but I’m glad you shared to get some of the pressure off. No matter what the outcome, we’re all behind you 100 percent.

  9. munchberry Says:

    I am going to comment even though you may end up erasing the post. Something would be mentally wrong with you if you treated this blithely. It IS painful, stressful, grievable. Limbo. Uncertainty.

    Grab on to Chris and hold tight to each other. When you pray, pray for your own strength.

    Waiting allows your doctor to fully understand what is going on versus guessing (and maybe getting it wrong and hurting you or your baby).

    If this is completely overtaking you, you should try to force the both of you out to do something – anything for just a brief diversion. When your mind drifts to the worst, you have to have something (like reading blogs, affirmations, a book – ANYTHING to go to to stop from getting mired. You have no control and dealing with the feelings of the unknown because you mind fills the blanks in – is a terrible thing to dwell on. Try to divert when you can – just for some relief.

    Hugs sweetie.

  10. lilblueticket Says:

    Oh sweetie, I haven’t gotten a chance to read for a bit and I just came across this. I’m so sorry for what you’re going through.

    You and Chris are in my thoughts and prayers, and no matter what the outcome I wish you love and soft landings. I’m here if you need to talk. <3

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