bits of string and sealing wax

my quest to achieve a balanced life

Hate Loss Challenge week two January 12, 2012

Filed under: Life, The Universe, And Everything — didibuttonsley @ 8:54 pm
(my writing is in purple)
Exercise for the week: Do this at some point before Thursday so you can write about the experience.
Think about the answers to these esteem-deflating questions.  How often do you carry these thought around with you on a daily basis?
My life would be so much better if I were only: Ha!  I love that this is in the challenge!  I have spent the last year thinking about the “my life would magically be perfect if only…” lines that I fed myself for years.  It’s all lies!!!  When I was at my healthy natural body size for four years, my life still wasn’t perfect!!!!  I used to believe that my life would be a f*$ckin’ fairy tale if: I was forty pounds lighter, was always able to fall asleep easily at night, and had a partner that I was in love with.  My brain must have been poisoned by Disney.  I thought that pretty and in love meant happy endings forever and no other bad days ever ever ever.  Oh, what a numbskull I am.  Please don’t giggle too much at me, but part of my brain still wants to believe this.  The funny thing is that now that I have a great partner that I am madly in love with I realize just how dumb I have been for most of my life.  I still have bad days.  I am seriously nutso about Chris, but there are times when I’d like to whack him in the head with a sock full of quarters.  He doesn’t make my life perfect.  Losing the rest of the weight won’t make it perfect either!!!  Life is really great now that I have a partner in crime, and I look forward to improved health and more energy, but there will still be bad days.  I’ll still get scared, angry, sad, and feel vulnerable sometimes.  Disney princesses can bite my ass.  The movies always end when the ditzy broad gets married.  They don’t show what she looks like after having four kids and a divorce. Just sayin’.   Ok, I got totally carried away with this one.  I’ll move on to the next question now.  😉
I’d be so much happier if I had a better: grip on myself!  I need to balance my career and make more money!  I need to workout, eat my vegetables, and be super woman!!!!!!
I wish I weighed: 155.  That is a really great weight for me, and is easy to maintain.  At that weight I have an easy time finding clothing that fits well and that I love.  When I was at that size my allergies totally disappeared for four years (one of the worst things about regaining the weight was the return of allergies, and illness) and I NEVER got sick.
When I look in the mirror, the first thing I criticize about myself is my:  hugenormous arms.  Seriously.  They are so damned fat that they should have their own zip code.  5314fuckin’fat.
The one negative word that I use about myself over and over again is: lazy
Now, answer these questions so that they can be seen by everyone reading your update:
I often receive the most compliments on my eyes, laugh, smile, sense of humor.
What I admire most about myself when I look at my reflection is my most of me!!!  I think I am quite pretty and friendly looking apart from the meat flaps that I call arms.
I take pride in my writing capabilities, artistic ability, singing voice, sense of humor, love for life.
I love the fact that I can take ordinary things and make them beautiful.  I am a gardener of glue and baubles, and all things shiny and bright.  I love that I can take pain and turn it into something useful, and eventually make a funny story out of it.
My greatest quality is my gentle, compassionate heart.
Study your answers for as long as you feel comfortable.  Now, take a mini-vacation from your current self.  Set a timer if you have to.  Spend at least 10 minutes going about your life believing that you are perfect exactly as you are right at this moment.  Forget about your job.  Forget about your husband. Forget about your wife; your children.  Allow thoughts of your relationships, the kind of car you drive, the clothes you wear and the unfinished items on your ‘to-do’ list temporarily slip from your mind. Just for now, be present; be aware in these few moments of what it feels like to be the ‘perfect’ you that you keep longing for.
If you find negative and/or unpleasant thoughts drifting into your mind during this time, acknowledge the thoughts but allow them to pass by like clouds in the sky and then focus on the answers to the above questions. Continue on with your exercise until your time is up.  Notice how it felt in those moments, knowing that you were enough; also notice the control you had over these thoughts.
Were you able to do the exercise for the given amount of time? If not, were you able to redirect your thoughts back to the present?  I had an easy time with this exercise.  I’ve had a lot of practice doing this sort of visualization.
Did it feel any different knowing that you weren’t relying on outside sources to challenge your beliefs – that you trusted yourself to be content with the things you knew to be true about yourself? I am really trying hard to rely on my own self thoughts about myself.  I still struggle with this.  I am easily bruised by the harsh opinions of others, and really let them get to me.  That is why I have been completely avoiding people who challenge what I know about myself.  I am going through a healing process, and I just want a little time for it to work and sink in.
Finally, discuss how things are coming along with the Positive Reinforcement Sheet.  You will be almost half-way through the Challenge by Thursday.  Where are you still struggling?  Where are you succeeding?   I am doing a bit better with my positive reinforcements.  I think it is going to take me longer than a month though.  I predict that I will be doing them for a few months, but that is ok.  I have a rough time saying that I am reliable, I achieve my goals, and I am motivated.  When I feel myself thinking negatively I start chiming these things in my head along with all of the other nice things I wrote about myself.  I KNOW in my heart that it is helping, but sometimes the going just seems so slow and I get frustrated.  I wish that I could go back and hug little girl me and say all of those things over and over to her.  I wish that I could be my own fairy godmother.  Saving adult me is ok, but dang I sure was hard on myself for such a long time.
Thought for the Day: I am choosing to live my life now. In the moment. The future will always be just out of reach.
Quotes of the Week:
The curious paradox is that when I accept myself just as I am, then I can change.
~Carl Rogers
Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate.  Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us.  We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous?  Actually, who are you not to be?
~Marianne Williamson
Don’t be afraid that your life will end.  Be afraid that it will never begin.
~Grace Hansen
 

5 Responses to “Hate Loss Challenge week two”

  1. goodnuff Says:

    Your arms are beautiful. Attached to them are the hands with which you garden with glue and baubles, write your stories with humor and hold the hand of the one you love and the weights that go with your Jane Fonda workout. Without your arms most of what makes Didi Didi would not be. Now, take those beautiful hammocks and hug yourself!
    Me on the other hand could do without the fat roll that is between my breasts and my thighs! No good there! All evil!

  2. lilblueticket Says:

    Oh how I love reading you. I haven’t done this week’s challenge yet, but I love seeing that I’m not alone…I think some of our answers are going to be very similar.

    You’re awesome 🙂 xo

  3. munchberry Says:

    Isn’t it crazy how we put other’s opinion over our own about ourselves – who knows us better than us? Our own heart, our own thoughts, feelings, looks, desires, motivations… how do we place more value on our opinions.

    Its so funny that I look at you and am full of admiration, but I have no intervening thoughts or motivations. No conflict inside.

    I wish your eyes only went to that pretty curve at the waist and your abs when you looked in the mirror. That is where others look.

  4. didibuttonsley Says:

    @ munch-
    Not sure what is going on with me, but when I read your comment I started crying. I had to sneak upstairs to my room with lappy just so’s nobody would catch me sniveling.
    I wish my eyes would stay focused on the bits that I like. I with my thoughts would stay anchored on the positive.

  5. misscatty Says:

    Didi,
    Ya know where it said the negetive word you use to describe yourself and you said lazy? How many times have you called yourself fat in the last seven blogs? Is it being home, is it your self confidence waning? Is it seeing old enemies and wanting to fight them again? Why are you not seeing all of your negetivity towards your body? I wish I could pet your face, and tell you how beautiful you are from toes to head. That you are not FAT, your arms are wonderful, you are wonderful!

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