bits of string and sealing wax

my quest to achieve a balanced life

dogs like cookies, this much I know January 30, 2012

Filed under: Life, The Universe, And Everything — didibuttonsley @ 11:34 am

Today I have a strong desire to remove my last post, but I don’t like deleting posts; it feels dishonest.
I have been stuck in bed hacking my lungs up, blowing my nose approximately every minute or so, and feeling feverish and woozy.  This has been going on for several days.  Yesterday I drank a lot of tea, so Chris decided to make me Russian tea cookies to make the little plate look fancier.  He’s such a dumpling.  He brought me these spherical almond cookies to dunk in my tea, and the texture was nice, but I couldn’t really taste anything.  Since Lali had loyally planted herself beside my bed to act as my nurse, she was just sort of down on the floor and gazing longingly at my plate of little cookie balls.  When my fella left the room I dipped a cookie into my tea and handed it to her.  (he hates it when I give the creatures human snacks)  She placed it on top of her paw and gave it some dainty licks before swallowing it whole.  I think that she was going for the refined lady look for a minute, but she just couldn’t hold out.  She looked so flippin’ cute and happy that I dunked several more cookies and fed them to her.  She’s been hanging out in my room with me for days, and that kind of support totally deserves some cookies.
I really want to feel normal again, and kick these dreadful feelings of despair that are hanging onto me.  Yesterday I couldn’t do much physically, so I spent the day researching native Florida plants.  I have always wanted to dabble in permaculture, and create a food forest, so we plan on doing just that when we move.  I am certain that we can find a place with a good sized yard, and both of us are into growing things and sustainable living/ homesteading/ etc, so it will be a fun thing the two of us can play around with together.  I started off by making a lovely list of fruit trees, nitrogen fixers, vines, ground covers, vegetables, and plants to attract birds/bees/ butterflies and predatory wasps.  I then went about designing a guild with some of my top picks.  A guild is a grouping of plants that is grown alongside each other to maximize yield, pest control, and growing conditions, and minimize the amount of human work and interference that is needed.  This way of planting results in larger harvests, and is sustainable.  I was happy to find that there is a garden center in Sarasota that only sells native species, and Florida friendly flowers, shrubs, vines, and edibles.  Our current plan is to do one guild at a time, and then add and change things until we have covered the whole yard area.
I also intend to build a top-bar beehive (just one) so that I can finally finally have some bees to call my own.  Yes, I am infatuated with bees.  I don’t even care for honey that much, so I will probably end up giving most of it away, or not harvesting most of it and leaving it for the bees to eat over the winter.  I was talking to my dad about the type of hives that we had in Missouri (we had two boxes), but he couldn’t tell me the name.  He liked having them, never used a smoker, never wore protective clothing, and never got stung, but he laughed and told me he has no official knowledge of bee keeping whatsoever.  If a person has good instincts they can do without all the official know-how I suppose.
I have to admit that I am really dreaming of the future at the moment, and not so much living in the present.  I am taking small steps to cut it out, but meh- it’ll get me through until the appointment on the ninth.

Goals for the week: Work out four times this week, starting with today
Do four healing sessions this week
Check craft fair directory and write down application deadlines, cost, number of attendants, etc.
Look into renting a space at the Seven Mile Fair

Long term goals: Lose twenty pounds by September first
Save four thousand dollars by September first


tough month January 28, 2012

Filed under: Life, The Universe, And Everything — didibuttonsley @ 12:13 pm

I wasn’t going to write about any of this in my blog, but this morning I feel like I really need to.  If I don’t get it out of me and tell somebody I am likely to go banana sandwiches insane.  When I am happy with myself and the world I still tend to teeter on the brink of looney tunes, so I really don’t think putting myself at extra risk of purchasing a ticket to ‘toon town is worth it.
I am pregnant.  I wasn’t going to mention it to anybody until I was twelve  or sixteen weeks after my LMP, so nobody knows right now apart from Chris.  I didn’t tell my closest friend because she had a miscarriage right before I moved away from Sarasota, and I know she is still very sad about it.  It isn’t her first miscarriage either, so it is a pretty upsetting topic for her.
Something is wrong.  I have had an unusual amount of cramping for weeks, and experienced light spotting a number of times.  I thought that I was going to miscarry, but it never completed.  My body feels off, and I have been sick a lot.  I have been very stressed out since Christmas, because there wasn’t much that could be done.  My pregnancy is just too early to tell much.  I spoke with two ob/gyns on Thursday, and both recognized a problem with the images in my ultra sound.  Basically, I just have to wait another two weeks before I find out anything.  I am definitely pregnant, but there is a dark mass preventing a good visual of the growing fetus.
Here are some possibilities of what is happening: a complete or partial molar pregnancy, an ectopic pregnancy, or uterine fibroids.  About fifty percent of women have uterine fibroids, and they are almost always benign, so that one doesn’t concern me.  The only thing that I am really worried about is the ectopic pregnancy, because sometimes women can’t give birth anymore after having one.  🙁  The female doctor was very nice and supportive, and in her opinion my body is trying to miscarry because something is wrong.  I agree, but it is very painful to think about.  Unfortunately neither doc that I spoke to can tell what is going on yet, so further testing is required.  Both were very helpful, and both recommended that I simply wait for two weeks.  So here I am, waiting.
The woman told me that it could take months for me to miscarry naturally.  Thinking about that makes me so sad.  It is likely that they will ask me to do a D & C, and I am just praying that it isn’t an ectopic pregnancy.
We have cried about it.  I burst into tears pretty frequently.  Most days I experience cramps in my abdomen and uterus, and last night it got so bad that I just had to retreat to my bed and try not to move.  My hormones are going nutso; I can’t sleep at night or get comfortable.  I feel bloated, exhausted, weak, and confused.  I think about the possibility of having a baby with serious birth defects.
I still haven’t told anybody anything, because at this point I don’t even know what to say.  I am not sure what is happening myself, and I don’t know if I can handle any questions right now.  I wanted to tell my mom, but she and my stepdad are ultra religious, so I don’t know what her response will be.  I can’t tell if she would be truly loving and sympathetic, or start in with the whole “God’s plan” stuff (which is her way of not dealing with it), and say that I just need to pray (which I do every night anyway, but my mother likes to mention it in stressful times as though I am some lost and unfortunate heathen).  I don’t want to risk hearing that, because I am afraid that I’d respond poorly.  You know, like maybe I would punch her in the nose and call her an insensitive bitch.  🙁  🙁  🙁
In spite of all this going on I am really trying to keep working on myself in positive ways.  I am having a hard time keeping up with the positive affirmations, because a lot of my thoughts are pretty sad and self defeating at the moment.  We are trying to plan for the move and talk about a bright and sunny future, but there is this painful lump of lead holding us down.  How am I supposed to process somebody saying, “Sorry sweetie, your pregnancy is abnormal, and that poor baby probably won’t make it.”?  I have another appointment on the ninth.  It feels light years away.


hate loss week three – and halfway through the challenge reflections January 20, 2012

Filed under: Life, The Universe, And Everything — didibuttonsley @ 5:54 pm

This week’s challenge was to do something out of our comfort zone.  I haven’t been feeling comfort zoney for the past week anyhow, so this kinda had me stumped.
I have been pouting, and sad, and indecisive.
There has been a lot of napping, and hiding under my blankets.
I’ve been a total cuddlevore, and must force myself to do normal day to day activities.  My hunger for snuggles and pats on the head is getting out of control.  Christopher Cubby has done the following things to cheer me up: he wore these giant nerdy glasses with no frames in them out to lunch with my friend and to Barnes and Noble just because it made me laugh, he made me a surprise fish mobile with scrapbook paper and glitter stars, and he brought me blueberry pancakes in bed.  I must have done something right in this lifetime to find such a nice fella.

So, doing positive affirmations every day has made me realize that buried under my cheerful and humorous facade is a mass of negative self beliefs, insecurities, and not so good things of that sort.  I believe some crazy shit about myself deep down.  Let’s see here: I am fat, I am unreliable, I am lazy, I am useless, I am boring, I don’t deserve to be treated well, I am never supported by others, I have to do everything by myself, I never finish anything, I don’t know how to commit to things, I do not achieve my goals, I am indecisive, etc.  The hate loss challenge has really dragged up these thoughts, and DAMN have I been feeling low for the last week and a half.  What is really funny is that I spent the whole year that I was in Florida battling negative beliefs, and I got rid of a lot of them. That list back there is the stuff that is left over.  Sheesh.  Who knew that working on oneself took such a long time?  I used to think that I was ugly, I was destined to have failed relationships, I deserved to be treated poorly by men, I could only be friends with others if I gave them everything and expected nothing in return, that I wasn’t pretty enough to wear dresses (I am happy to report that I really killed that one- I am addicted to dresses now), that people wouldn’t be interested in me unless they wanted something, etc.  Those are yucky thoughts that I got rid of.  I soaked in the ocean until they were washed away into the sea.
So, okay, I still have a lot of work left to do.  I have a lot of fear that holds me back, and I will be doing affirmations until the end of time if that is what it takes.  Affirmations work for me- it just takes time.  Bother.
Back to Week Three of the challenge.
Anything involving making a decision seems to throw me way out of my comfort zone lately, so I decided to make a BIG decision this week.  Yep.  I decided that it is time to figure out once and for all where I am going to live, and give myself a moving date.  We can probably live in the house for another year before it forecloses, and I kinda planned on lingering here and saving up money until we absolutely had to leave.  On second thoughts, that idea was fucking horrible.  Being in limbo around here isn’t exactly paradise.  I’m starting to think that I’d rather be gut shot on the side of the road than stick around for another year not knowing where I want to go next.
Yesterday my mind was numb and frazzled, and I was worried that I wouldn’t ever be able to post for week three. This morning I was revived by one and a half blueberry pancakes.  I could tell that they were made with love. I am going to move back to Sarasota.  I can make a lot more money there, and the rent is about the same as it is in Kenosha.  I also have the option of finishing my program when and if I feel ready to do so.  What is extra nice is that Chris can transfer his credits to Ringling college if he wants to finish school as well.  He will have to transfer to another unit, but he said that he is ok with that.  Our plan was to visit for my family reunion in late June/ early July anyhow, so we can use that time to look for a place to live.  With the two of us living together we won’t have any issues being able to afford a place.  (Paying for an apartment by myself was kind of an issue last time)  The goal is to move there at the end of August/ beginning of September.
It was hard for me to make this choice because I want different things at different times.  I would like to live in Madison again at some point, but housing costs are so high there.  We’d have a hard time making rent and being able to go to school.  Eventually I would still like to live in Wisconsin and just spend a few months a year in Sarasota.
Now that I have made a decision I feel like a load has been lifted off of my fearful shoulders.  We’ve got plenty of time to save up money for the move (especially since there is no rent when you live in a house that is doomed to foreclosure) and get everything in order.
I’d like to do more comfort zone challenges in the near future, because I feel like this one was sort of a cheat. This is something that I really needed to do anyway!!


trying to be motivated not mopey January 16, 2012

Filed under: Life, The Universe, And Everything — didibuttonsley @ 8:38 pm

I am totally in a rut and I know it.  I’ve been trying to deny the fact that I am feeling down, but it would probably be for the best if I’d stop lying to myself.  I knew something was amiss when I started crying over a comment that munchberry posted on one of my blogs.  I don’t know why I am still holding myself back, and keeping myself from moving forward.  My eating has been pretty lousy, I am not making any serious effort to find new clients, and I am over thinking little things and bogging myself down instead of taking small steps in the right direction.
How am I counteracting my own self sabotage?
– I forced myself to do Jane Fonda twice last week.  Twice was as good as it was going to get.
– I forced myself to hang out with my friend and visit the humane society to say hello to the critters instead of staying at home and brooding
– I took my cousin’s eldest to the three free (dinosaur museum, history museum, and public museum) museums on Saturday even though I don’t really like him.  I thought it would be a good “fun” deed for me to do to perk myself up.  It partially worked.
– Yesterday we went sledding on the golf course, and that was pretty dang fun even though snow kept blasting me in the face.
– I got a ficus lyrata (wanted one for years and years, but never got one cause they are usually too pricey) and a cordyline terminalis from Stein’s; their six inch potted plants (diameter of pot, not height of plant) and floor plants were fifty percent off, and I am kind of a plant nerd.  Two nice sized plants at five bucks each is a pretty good deal.  (Long ago I studied horticulture at Madison for a couple of years, and my interest in plants and permaculture and what not has never waned)  We then got the new plants home and proceeded to shine ALL of our plants’ leaves with leaf shine, and give them all nice new dirt and fertilizer.  Yep.  That kinda thing actually does make me feel better.
– Yesterday Sparks, Chris, and myself made crafts at her house and watched season four of The Office.  We made two new (and quite silly) pictures for our bedroom
– Sparks gave me some AWESOME scrapbook paper from this super cool little pack that she got.  She let me take any of the doubles that I wanted.  Seriously gang, it is such cool paper that it is pretty enough to hang all on its own.  And that is what I did.  I hung the little squares in a long line near the top of the ceiling today, and it looks pretty nifty.  I will try to get some pictures to show you all, but the lighting isn’t good enough in there to get any pics right now.
– The first book club meeting went really well.  We picked books for the next seven meetings and they all sound really cool.  I kinda wish we were going to meet up every Wednesday instead of every other.

Ok, so that is what I have been doing for the last week.  Here are some things that I want to do or improve on this week.

– Do Jane Fonda three times this week instead of two.  The eventual goal now is to switch between the upper body workout and the Jane Fonda each day.  I had planned on doing both of them back to back five days a week, but I decided to nix that idea.  I decided that one half an hour or under workout a morning is good enough.
– Drink NOTHING but water.  Ever since my cousin and her kids moved in I have been drinking soda and crappy juices and all kinds of sugary trash.  That stuff makes me bloat and feel yucky, and I just need to knock it off.  I stopped drinking those things years and years ago for a reason!!!  Just because they are around doesn’t mean I have to pour them down my fricken gullet.
– Switch over to a different affirmations cd.  I was doing the “weight loss” one, but I think my brain is kinda sick of it, so I am going to start doing the “self confidence” one tonight.  I also intend to place my own personal affirmations in a couple more places where I will see them each day, and I want to revise my list again.
– Spend time working on metaphysical healing every day, even if I don’t have a lot of clients right now.  If I choose to work on myself, Chris, and the people in my house each day, I believe that it will shift my focus in the right direction, and I will start getting more clients.  I feel like the problem is that my thoughts are all over the place instead of being committed to my goal.

Writing this made me feel a tad better.  I wish that I had more than two moods.  I am either really happy and everything is great, or I feel totally downtrodden and the world is horrible.  It’s pretty fricken dramatic, I know.


“Mom, I’m fat.” January 13, 2012

Filed under: Life, The Universe, And Everything — didibuttonsley @ 1:09 pm

Go and read this. DO IT!!


Hate Loss Challenge week two January 12, 2012

Filed under: Life, The Universe, And Everything — didibuttonsley @ 8:54 pm
(my writing is in purple)
Exercise for the week: Do this at some point before Thursday so you can write about the experience.
Think about the answers to these esteem-deflating questions.  How often do you carry these thought around with you on a daily basis?
My life would be so much better if I were only: Ha!  I love that this is in the challenge!  I have spent the last year thinking about the “my life would magically be perfect if only…” lines that I fed myself for years.  It’s all lies!!!  When I was at my healthy natural body size for four years, my life still wasn’t perfect!!!!  I used to believe that my life would be a f*$ckin’ fairy tale if: I was forty pounds lighter, was always able to fall asleep easily at night, and had a partner that I was in love with.  My brain must have been poisoned by Disney.  I thought that pretty and in love meant happy endings forever and no other bad days ever ever ever.  Oh, what a numbskull I am.  Please don’t giggle too much at me, but part of my brain still wants to believe this.  The funny thing is that now that I have a great partner that I am madly in love with I realize just how dumb I have been for most of my life.  I still have bad days.  I am seriously nutso about Chris, but there are times when I’d like to whack him in the head with a sock full of quarters.  He doesn’t make my life perfect.  Losing the rest of the weight won’t make it perfect either!!!  Life is really great now that I have a partner in crime, and I look forward to improved health and more energy, but there will still be bad days.  I’ll still get scared, angry, sad, and feel vulnerable sometimes.  Disney princesses can bite my ass.  The movies always end when the ditzy broad gets married.  They don’t show what she looks like after having four kids and a divorce. Just sayin’.   Ok, I got totally carried away with this one.  I’ll move on to the next question now.  😉
I’d be so much happier if I had a better: grip on myself!  I need to balance my career and make more money!  I need to workout, eat my vegetables, and be super woman!!!!!!
I wish I weighed: 155.  That is a really great weight for me, and is easy to maintain.  At that weight I have an easy time finding clothing that fits well and that I love.  When I was at that size my allergies totally disappeared for four years (one of the worst things about regaining the weight was the return of allergies, and illness) and I NEVER got sick.
When I look in the mirror, the first thing I criticize about myself is my:  hugenormous arms.  Seriously.  They are so damned fat that they should have their own zip code.  5314fuckin’fat.
The one negative word that I use about myself over and over again is: lazy
Now, answer these questions so that they can be seen by everyone reading your update:
I often receive the most compliments on my eyes, laugh, smile, sense of humor.
What I admire most about myself when I look at my reflection is my most of me!!!  I think I am quite pretty and friendly looking apart from the meat flaps that I call arms.
I take pride in my writing capabilities, artistic ability, singing voice, sense of humor, love for life.
I love the fact that I can take ordinary things and make them beautiful.  I am a gardener of glue and baubles, and all things shiny and bright.  I love that I can take pain and turn it into something useful, and eventually make a funny story out of it.
My greatest quality is my gentle, compassionate heart.
Study your answers for as long as you feel comfortable.  Now, take a mini-vacation from your current self.  Set a timer if you have to.  Spend at least 10 minutes going about your life believing that you are perfect exactly as you are right at this moment.  Forget about your job.  Forget about your husband. Forget about your wife; your children.  Allow thoughts of your relationships, the kind of car you drive, the clothes you wear and the unfinished items on your ‘to-do’ list temporarily slip from your mind. Just for now, be present; be aware in these few moments of what it feels like to be the ‘perfect’ you that you keep longing for.
If you find negative and/or unpleasant thoughts drifting into your mind during this time, acknowledge the thoughts but allow them to pass by like clouds in the sky and then focus on the answers to the above questions. Continue on with your exercise until your time is up.  Notice how it felt in those moments, knowing that you were enough; also notice the control you had over these thoughts.
Were you able to do the exercise for the given amount of time? If not, were you able to redirect your thoughts back to the present?  I had an easy time with this exercise.  I’ve had a lot of practice doing this sort of visualization.
Did it feel any different knowing that you weren’t relying on outside sources to challenge your beliefs – that you trusted yourself to be content with the things you knew to be true about yourself? I am really trying hard to rely on my own self thoughts about myself.  I still struggle with this.  I am easily bruised by the harsh opinions of others, and really let them get to me.  That is why I have been completely avoiding people who challenge what I know about myself.  I am going through a healing process, and I just want a little time for it to work and sink in.
Finally, discuss how things are coming along with the Positive Reinforcement Sheet.  You will be almost half-way through the Challenge by Thursday.  Where are you still struggling?  Where are you succeeding?   I am doing a bit better with my positive reinforcements.  I think it is going to take me longer than a month though.  I predict that I will be doing them for a few months, but that is ok.  I have a rough time saying that I am reliable, I achieve my goals, and I am motivated.  When I feel myself thinking negatively I start chiming these things in my head along with all of the other nice things I wrote about myself.  I KNOW in my heart that it is helping, but sometimes the going just seems so slow and I get frustrated.  I wish that I could go back and hug little girl me and say all of those things over and over to her.  I wish that I could be my own fairy godmother.  Saving adult me is ok, but dang I sure was hard on myself for such a long time.
Thought for the Day: I am choosing to live my life now. In the moment. The future will always be just out of reach.
Quotes of the Week:
The curious paradox is that when I accept myself just as I am, then I can change.
~Carl Rogers
Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate.  Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us.  We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous?  Actually, who are you not to be?
~Marianne Williamson
Don’t be afraid that your life will end.  Be afraid that it will never begin.
~Grace Hansen

butt smackin’ and weight liftin’ January 10, 2012

Filed under: Life, The Universe, And Everything — didibuttonsley @ 7:15 pm

Today I did Jane Fonda with Chris, and when we got to the end when the butt exercises (or “ass aerobics” as I like to call them) occurred, I kinda couldn’t help but quietly slink over and smack his ass.  Alright, I am trying to be totally honest with myself lately, so perhaps “slink” wasn’t the appropriate word.  I sort of bellied over in a flumpish kind of way, and I am sure that I was all red faced and creepy looking.  It’s a good thing that the cheesball music was so loud, or I am certain that he would have heard me squidging across my workout mat, and breathing heavily.  This story sounds pretty freaky in the retelling.  Maybe I shouldn’t share these things with my bloggy pals.
He has a cute butt.  I just can’t help my damn self.
Anywhoozles.  We did Jane Fonda, and then the Winsor pilates upper body sculpting workout.  We’ll be doing these two workouts first thing Mondays through Fridays again, because my cousin’s kids are back in school again.  (Cripes am I relieved about that.  The younger boy I am very fond of, but  her older son is the most exasperating child that I have ever been around.  He’s ten and still pees his pants regularly.  He will also occasionally ride his bike around until he shits himself, because he is too I-don’t-even-know-what to come home and use the bathroom.  I digress.)  One of my goals is to get to five pound hand weights by the end of the year.  I have been using three poundies, so this shouldn’t be too difficult.  I want to post an extreme closeup of my arm flabs, because the last pictures I posted did not capture their true girth and wobbliness.  I am not kidding here, gals, my arms could feed a family of five.  Room for dessert?  No, probably not.
These wing flaps are the only part of me that I have ever felt a steady hatred and contempt for.  The rest of my bits have some extra stuffing, but all in all are proportionately shaped.  But, damn.  These arms!  If they were more toned and a normal size (and not looking like Christmas hams that somebody stapled to my shoulders) I would look at least a dress size smaller.  No joke.
I bet that there are still some doubters in the crowd.  Allow me to go and capture a picture of the horror.  Be right back.  Behold!!!

ah, there is lefty, my dangly friend

Ok, I tried to move the pictures next to each other, but it wouldn’t work.  Sometimes I find this blog frustrating.  All I want to do is accurately portray my fat-as-fuck arms, blog, what is so wrong with that?
They look bigger in real life.  I guess I should have got a side shot, but it is too late for that now.  I don’t feel like going back upstairs.

and here is the portly and swollen righty

I just spent the last ten minutes trying to get the pictures where I wanted them, and it isn’t happening.  And a certain pants pee-er was standing behind me all creepy like and whining about wanting a later bed time.  Did I mention that Chris and I are watching them tonight?  My cousin had a meeting to go to.  We just played some games, so it was ok.  It is definitely quieter with just us here, because I don’t yell.  I got to sneak away and blog because my darling dumpling kindly decided to play pokemon with them.  Hurray!

Oh.  My.  Flippin’.  God.  Is that really what I look like without a shirt on?

Say, though, if you look real good there you can see a shadowy line where my abs are.  Isn’t it beautiful?  Oh the glory of my wondrous ab line!!!  I also am a fan of my fancy little waist indents.  Those are totally from doing the Jane Fonda.  I swear, doing that workout is the only thing that gives me immediate waist divots.

I don’t know if we are going to do the weights five days a week or just on Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays.  I know there are people who say not to do the same weighty workout stuff two days in a row or whatever, but it isn’t more than twenty minutes long, and it isn’t difficult at all.  The only thing I refuse to do is the pushups, but there aren’t that many of them.  Pushups can seriously kiss both of my butt cheeks.  Perhaps some day when I way less than a barge I will have an easier time hoisting myself up.  (The only thing I am forever opposed to -just for my own dang self, I don’t care what other people do- is running/ jogging.  I would rather drag my bare ass through a briar patch, and then sit in a kiddie pool full of tobasco sauce)
I’m not going to follow any more diets or do any more bloody detoxes in the near future.  I have been increasing my veggie/salad consumption rates, and not over eating, and that’s as much as I plan on changing for now.  My nutrition will get balanced out a little at a time, mmmhmmm.  I think I’ll have better luck with the workouts combined with positive affirmations than wasting time on obsessing over my diet.
I need to get off of lappy now.  I just sent the kids to bed, so it is now safe for me to snuggle and smooch with my honey on the couch.  Wooo!

revised affirmations because I need to be more honest with myself January 5, 2012

Filed under: Life, The Universe, And Everything — didibuttonsley @ 5:17 pm

Last night I was struck by insomnia monsters, and as per usual my swiss cheese and tapioca brain was running twelve miles a minute.  I was thinking about the hate loss challenge and the positive vocabulary list.  I was thinking that NONE of my affirmations made me squirm at all.  I may not believe those happy things about myself all of the time, but half of me knows that those statements are true.  I can say them with a smile, because I have been integrating that information into my system.  Those ideas are no longer totally foreign.
Well, eventually this got me to thinking that I need to add some items that I IMMEDIATELY wish to reject.  These are things that if I say them out loud, my brain tells me “Well, that’s a big lie.  You aren’t that at all and you never will be.”
I need to counteract the poison thoughts that still have a complete hold on me.  My list of affirmations is beautiful and positive, and it is helping me to repeat them to myself, but I have to dig deeper.  The closest I came to hitting a nerve was the “I am successful” affirmation.
I grew up neglected and criticized.  As a result of this I believe that I am not good enough.  I am not reliable, I make too many mistakes to do things on my own, and I believe that I always do something wrong no matter what I am doing.  I also believe that people do not support me.  I believe that they will judge me harshly.  I believe that others will not take care of me, and that they will only use me.  I need to counteract those negative and harmful thoughts, because they are holding me back and I know it.  My dad still is not supportive of the things that I wish to do, and he always has something negative to throw in if I try talking about any of them.  He was quick to let me know that he didn’t really picture me doing midwifery when I made it clear that I was going away to school.  He has remarked many times that selling crystals at craft fairs will not make any money.  When I talk about getting clients he brings up the fact that he wasn’t able to generate enough business that way, and then he mentions that another friend of ours also gave up on that idea because it wasn’t working out.  These are the negatives beliefs that I need to torch the hell out of.
So here is the new list.  The key points that need the most work I repeated several times.

I am reliable.  I am successful.  I achieve my goals!  I am able to commit!  I have a career that I love!  I am supported by others around me.  I am honest.  I am liked.  I am lovely.  I am reliable!  I am successful!  I achieve my goals!  I am able to commit!  I have a career that I love! I am taken care of.  People are always loving, and thoughtful, and supportive.  I am beautiful.  I am confident!  I am strong!  I am reliable!  I am successful!  I achieve my goals!  I am able to commit!  I have a career that I love! I am hilarious!  I am helpful!  I am always safe!  I am gorgeous!  I am supported by others around me!  I am brilliant!  I am friendly!  I am reliable!  I am successful!  I achieve my goals!  I am able to commit!  I have a career that I love!  I am creative!  I am independent!  I am loved!  I am kind!  I am compassionate!  I am reliable!  I am successful!  I achieve my goals!  I am able to commit! I have a career that I love!  I am adorable!  I am supported by others around me!  I am witty! I am unique!  I am wise!  I go after what I want!  I am reliable!  I am successful!  I achieve my goals!  I am able to commit!   I have a career that I love! I have a career that I love!  I am a super sultry sexy goddess!!  I love me!!!  I love me so!!!


Hate Loss Challenge week one January 4, 2012

Filed under: Life, The Universe, And Everything — didibuttonsley @ 8:22 pm

Looking Back and Letting Go

(the purple parts are my own writing, and all the rest was written by fatgirlwearingthin for the challenge)

This week’s exercise: Think back to a time or place in your life when you formed negative thoughts about yourself. Why do you think you are undeserving of praise?

When I was a kid I was often overlooked.  I was very gifted at school, and usually was only noticed if I made a mistake.  Every single thing that I did was heavily critiqued and criticized, and I chose to believe that it was because a) I wasn’t good enough  b) I wasn’t pretty enough  and c) I wasn’t normal.  Because my parents dished out so much criticism I became very quiet around adults.  Even some of my earlier teachers (I can remember frequent incidents in kindergarten and first grade) were unusually critical towards me for some reason.  My reading level was very advanced, as were my writing skills, but I remember grade school teachers giving me a hard time in spite of the fact that I always got straight A’s.  Who hands a little kid back a paper with an “A” written on it, and then tells them that they should have done a better job?  Because of the fact that I never received any praise as a child, I believed that it was because I did not deserve it.  I became reticent, and unsure of my capabilities, and I did not learn to value the things that I was exemplary at.  And since there were a number of adults (including my own mother) who mentioned  my “weight issues” I believed that my appearance was a large part of why I wasn’t being praised.

Was there a specific event that caused you to change the way you perceive yourself?

For me it was more of a series of small events that implanted negative self-talk in my brain.  Before the age of six I was a very talkative, positive, and precocious child.  When we moved from our farm to Kenosha, WI things started to slide downhill.  My mother, brother, and I stayed with my grandmother for a short period of time while my father found a job and got us a house, and the time I spent there had a damaging effect on my personality.  She was heavily critical towards me, and I took it pretty hard.  Starting school was also a blow, because my teachers’ behavior towards me was quite strange.

Is it because you’ve always been reminded of your imperfections or weaknesses?

Absolutely.  There was always something that I should have done better, or a small thing that I forgot to do.  My dad still has a habit of suggesting a “better” way to do whatever it is that I am doing, or he will make negative comments about plans of mine, etc.

Is it because you’re not receiving enough positive feedback from people whose opinions really matter to you?

Absolutely.  I did not receive positive feedback for most of the years of my life.  The end.  These days I steer clear of friendships that are draining, and toxic environments.  I try to only share my hopes and ideas with people who are positive and supportive.  There are certain people that I wish had a better opinion of me, but I am choosing to keep away from those people until I feel stronger and happier about where I am in my life.  I drop any interaction with folks who take and give nothing in return.  I don’t want to spend time with people who drag me down and cause me to doubt myself.

Do you have unrealistic expectations of yourself?

Oh my god, yes.  On the plus side, I dealt with a lot of my unrealistic expectations when I was living in Florida.  I am now more concerned with balance and happiness.  I have started making little goals for myself instead of just expecting myself to be some super human creature who does every single thing right.  There is no such thing as a perfect human being, so these days I try to focus on progress.  I still have days when I get down on myself for not doing/achieving/having more, but at least I am not as hard on myself as I have been in the past.

Were you taught these habits from living in an unhealthy environment?

I don’t think that my childhood was a total failure, and my environment wasn’t completely unhealthy, but it certainly was a bit out of whack.  There was definitely a hearty dollop of dysfunction in my environment.  As is often the case, later on in my life I made friendships and relationships that mirrored what I was used to as a child.  The worst couple of years of my life (it was at that time that I regained all the weight that I had kept off for four years) I was in such an unhealthy environment that all the progress that I had made vanished.  I picked up a lot of bad habits again, and am still working through many of them.

Write about it, and then ask yourself: How can I find a way to forgive those who have hurt me? How can I forgive myself?

I have spent the last year and a half working on forgiving myself.  This is not an easy task, and I don’t know how long the process will take me, but I am in it for the long haul.  I still have issues with my self esteem, and I still am harsher on myself than I need to be.  I have been working with positive affirmations, dreamboards, visualization drawings, journaling, etc., throughout the whole process and have made amazing strides and progress.  If I am going to forgive myself completely I just need to continue figuring myself out, and changing little things each day to make my life better.  And as for forgiving others…?  Well, I don’t want to blow smoke up my own ass.  There are people that I dislike and resent.  I wish that I could forgive them, but for now I know that I need to just look after myself and forgive myself first.

Finally, discuss the Positive Reinforcement Sheet and how it’s working out so far.  Are there any particular words you are struggling with? Any words that are becoming easier to say?  How does it feel hearing you speak in a positive manner about yourself?

I repeat positive phrases about myself in my head frequently throughout the day, and I know that it is helping.  I put a list on the mirror, and am meaning to get around to putting one in my purse and on my car visor as well.  I don’t struggle with any of my affirmations, and usually feel a little better about myself after doing them.

Thought for the Day: Sometimes, unresolved feelings cling to us without us realizing it. If you are holding on to something negative from your past, think about the feelings you carry with those memories: is it shame? Guilt? Anger? Pain? They can’t be seen, but they are there, holding you back from living the life you deserve. Forgiving the past takes away it’s control over you. It allows you to let go and begin living in the moment and for your future.

I am holding onto anger, and pain, and probably a bit of guilt.  I have certainly reached a point where I know that I need to accept total responsibility for ALL of my thoughts about myself, but I still have a habit of wanting to blame my current problems on the past.  That type of thinking holds me back, and is totally fricken foolish, so I am doing everything I can to let go and move forward.

Quotes of the Week:

“We may not know how to forgive, and we may not want to forgive; but the very fact we say we are willing to forgive begins the healing practice.”

~ Louise Hay

“Holding resentment is like eating poison and waiting for the other person to keel over.”

~ Unknown

“When we forgive evil we do not excuse it, we do not tolerate it, we do not smother it. We look the evil full in the face, call it what it is, let its horror shock and stun and enrage us, and only then do we forgive it.”

~ Lewis B. Smedes


goals for 2012

Filed under: Life, The Universe, And Everything — didibuttonsley @ 6:57 pm

Yesterday was an awful day, and this morning I woke up slumpish, but I am happy to report that I shook it off and had a pretty productive afternoon.  I even made enough sales today that I was inspired to open a new savings account.  (I’ll be doing that tomorrow though, because my bank was already closed by the time I finished making the rounds)  I haven’t had a savings account for a longish time, so I am kinda excited about it
Speaking of being excited, let’s talk about the new year.
This year I chose not to make the same tired-old-lame-ass resolution of losing forty pounds.  Clearly that goal has not served me very well in the past six years, and I felt that it was time to retire the stupid thing.  (I am compelled to mention that I originally spelled the word “felt” f-e-a-l-t, and then had to go back to correct it.  wtf?)  I am happy to report that I am lighter this year than I was last January, but I want to focus on goals instead of one dumb resolution with nothing to back it up or support it.
This year is about becoming the very best me that I can be; I am longing for a balanced life, and true fulfillment.

Goals for 2012
1) Continue doing positive affirmations until I believe every last word of them in the very depths of my soul.
2) Do Jane Fonda with my fella four times a week so that I can start the day off right, have more energy, and feel stronger and better about myself over all.
3) Do one dreamboard a month (at least every two months) to keep my mind fixated on positive things.  The dreamboards that I did last year were a really creative and fun way for me to visualize happy changes in my life.
4) Complete the Winsor Pilates upper body workout with my hand weights two or three times a week.  I am now using three pound weights, and I’d really love to be up to five pounds by the end of the year.  My plan is to use the three pounders for four months, and then switch to four pounders for four months, and finally graduate to five pound weights for the last four months of the year.  I may end up shortening the length of time that I stick with the three pound weights, but we’ll see how it goes.
5) Take a dance class
6) Start a book club (this is totally already happening, yay me!)
7) Improve my budgeting skills, and learn to save money better.  I spend money like a psycho… no, really, it’s true.
8) Do craft fairs as soon as the season starts!!!!!!

I was going to put “stop being obsessed about my diet” on there, but I don’t even feel like it.  I have been food and weight obsessed enough in my life, and it is time to cut it out.  If I need to obsess about something my time would be better spent obsessing about positive affirmations, and learning to love myself more.

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