bits of string and sealing wax

my quest to achieve a balanced life

a touch of the holiday blues? December 9, 2011

Filed under: Life, The Universe, And Everything — didibuttonsley @ 5:02 am

Yesterday I responded to a comment that munchberry left on my “don’t hold back” post.  I was telling her that my weight has caused me to skip (multiple) Thanksgivings at a certain aunt’s house.  I spent Thanksgiving with my boyfriend’s family this year just because it gave me a good excuse not to go to my aunt’s and feel like an awkward, fatty mcfailure.   Yup.  True story.  And you wanna know something else?  I also plan on skipping Christmas over there this year as well.  I suppose this is stupid of me, seeing as how I have been away in Florida for a year, and should probably stop by and all, but I’m just not going to do it.  I feel too vulnerable and fragile, and I honestly don’t want to talk about what’s going on in my life with anybody who isn’t going to be positive and supportive.

I’m twenty eight. I moved away from Florida without finishing school.  Yes.  That is correct.  I have attended four different colleges.  I still haven’t finished school, and in my family when you don’t have at least a master’s you are a second class citizen.  I am of course exaggerating with that last statement, but that’s kinda how I have always felt about it.  I don’t make enough money to fully support myself, and the things I am focused on at the moment aren’t traditional “job” type jobs.  I also now live with one of the black sheep of the family, and her banana sandwiches ten year old who pees his pants pretty much every day at least once, and throws tantrums like a two year old.  (Don’t misinterpret me here; I love my cousin, but a lot of my family doesn’t know her very well, find her odd, and disapprove of some of the choices that she has made)  Oh yeah, and I still happen to be by society’s standards a fucking heifer.  (It is commonly agreed upon that I am quite pretty and attractive, but am oh-so-sadly-overweight)

Progress has been made, sure, but I can’t describe such changes at a brief family function in semi-hostile waters.  It’s sad that I am admitting it, but if I had lost more weight the year that I lived in Florida I would likely be ok with showing up at my aunt’s this Christmas.  Hey, look at me, I have obviously lost quite a bit of weight and that is physical proof that I have been doing something and improving myself.  See.  Ta-da.  Good game, everybody.

I want unwavering support or I want to be left the hell alone.  I don’t have brass ovaries large enough to just breeze in and say the following things: “I don’t know what I am going to do about school, so it’s just on hold right now, and I am mostly ok with that.  Oh, and I have decided that selling crystals, doing metaphysical healing, trying to publish a children’s book, and singing in a band are more important to me right now than school.  These are things that I have wanted to do for a long time, but I was always too scared to try to do.  Isn’t dream chasing more important that having a steady job with benefits?”

I’ve been thinking about all of that stuff non stop since yesterday, and it has me worked up into a frazzle.  I went to bed at ten thirty and slept for two hours, and have been up ever since fretting over this and that.  It is now nearly six in the morning, and I thought that getting some of this rubbish into a blog would help me out a little.

I am not sure if it is helping.

Since I couldn’t sleep, I listened to my guided imagery two times in a row, and then listened to the affirmations. After that I was in bed, with my eyes shut, repeating my personal mantra (normally reserved for aerobics sessions) over and over.  I am beautiful, I am confident, I am strong. Rinse.  Repeat.

I’m going to keep plugging away and hope that I make enough sales and get enough clients to keep going with my plans.  I won’t give up on myself or abandon the things that I desire most.

Happy thoughts.  Happy thoughts.  Happy thoughts.


4 Responses to “a touch of the holiday blues?”

  1. goodnuff Says:

    You ARE a Warrior Goddess who is beautiful, capable and strong. And anyone who doesn’t realize that is a fool, including yourself. Dont be a fool Didi. You show up at your family’s house with your hot your side, after the meal. Grab your favorite dessert, chow down and regail them with how many wonderful things you have done since you last saw them. Your healing, your crystals, your writing and your singing. Your life is heading in a great directionand they don’t get the power to choose what is right for you. If they seem to still be flapping their mouths because you don’t fit their mold of you, take the last bite of said dessert and smear it on Hot Chris’s face and lick it off, then leave. Give ’em something to really flap their lips about

  2. Khrystina Says:

    Oh my gosh, you are not alone girl! I totally understand. You just keep your head up and fight the good fight. Yes, relatives can be so judgemental, but who the Hell are they, right? I’m thinking of escaping to my cousins house for Christmas eve as to avoid a certain aunt of mine too. Lol.
    Hope your Christmas and New Year are blessed.
    Health and Hugs

  3. munchberry Says:

    What are you hand wringing about the most? What is upsetting you about yourself the most?

    What you think of you (your body, what you are doing) is what you really have to concentrate on.

    You cannot go to school out of obligation, but you can go if there is a yearning to fulfill some sort of internal obligation you have to live out your potential. Because it is clear as day to anyone who reads your blog that you are no dummy.

    Putting aside what ANYONE else says, thinks (or what you think they think) you will need (for your own happiness and sanity) to decide what you will be doing say – ten years forward. Can you do the things you are passionate about and still do things that will allow you to do them later, but with ease? I KNOW you want fulfillment and contentment. Deciding how you will make that happen – that is the tricky part. AND knowing it is OK to tweak the plan. You are not a robot.

    You should consider going to your aunts. You go only so long as you are comfortable, you greet unwanted inquiries and comments as if you do not hear them or with an incredulous face and a chuckle and change the subject (not to a mean topic – because you are not them). You eat sensibly and then leave.

    You cannot control what anyone thinks or says, but can control your reaction and own thoughts. You are a lovely girl inside and out. Do not ever forget that. And charming. And thoughtful. You concentrate on that and concentrate on deciding what is the best for Didi and you will be fine.

    Q: Is this working for me?

    Start there. Your wishes and your maybe more serious life decisions – they do not have to be mutually exclusive. Balance right?

    Get your prettiest dress on and face down the paper tiger.

    Big Hug.

  4. didibuttonsley Says:

    Thanks for the positive comments, gals.
    I have a large family, and am very comfortable around most of them. There are only a couple that make me feel nervous and edgy, and I don’t want to waste a good holiday feeling out of place while forcing myself to be around them. I feel like I’m going to be on guard and too defensive to even enjoy myself.
    I am lucky in that I have other family and friends in the same town that I can hang out with during the holidays.

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