bits of string and sealing wax

Valentine’s day is four weeks away.  I’m not in a relationship right now, but I still want to be a smokin’ hot mama, and not just a hot mess.  I am making a goal of losing ten pounds by the fourteenth of February.  That equals about two and a half pounds a week.  If cupid needs me, I’ll be doing my cardio in the back room.
If I reach my goal I will reward myself by purchasing a new necklace from etsy.com. There are a couple nifty ones that I have been drooling over for some time…

If anybody wants to get down on this challenge, let me know.

I am about to start my cycle, so I’m feeling good and bloated today.  You know, the sort of bloat that makes you real real happy to get out of bed and squidge into your clothing?  It feels like my face alone has gained seven pounds.  If I look in the mirror I’ll see a chipmunk with my wide eyes staring back.  A hamster with beady eyes and cheeks stuffed with tasty tidbits bound for the subterranean larder has possessed my face.  It’s so freakishly puffy they could stick me in a circus sideshow and charge two bits for a gander.  If you can spot where her eyes used to be it’s half price.  My face is going to keep swelling up until it’s as wide as the sea, and then I will destroy the city of New York with my monster bloat-face.

give us a kiss

(before these cheeks take out the Bank of America tower)

Today I have to write a couple of pages on the following topic: What will you tell your twelve or thirteen year old daughter about sex when she comes to you with questions?  Some gals in class actually have daughters and have already experienced this stage of the game, but my uterus hasn’t spewed any children yet.  (How could my uterus support life when all the energy in my body is spent holding my fat head up?)  So I get to pretend I have a curious daughter inquiring after life’s mysteries.

Last night I threw this topic out on the table for my uncle Marcello and my father (who is here until Tuesday) to discuss.  Dad suggested I include some of the following gems of wisdom in my paper-   “You want to know about sex?  Get some any chance you get.”  “Put out or get out.”  “Just make sure he’s got some money and a car.”  “Collect the money before you give the blow job.”  All of that is stellar advice, and I’d be foolish not to include it in my paper.  I’m glad I asked them about it though.  I knew it would be damn funny.

My mother had a pretty good policy when it came to sex related questions.  She would stammer something like, “Oh where did you hear about that?  Don’t worry about it” and then promptly change the subject.  Perhaps she thought avoidance of the issue would prevent me from becoming a strumpet.  HA HA MOM!!  IT DIDN’T WORK!!!

I’m off to work out and do homework, gang.  Maybe I can sweat off some of this face puff.

For those inquiring after my other blogging location, here it is:  http://driftwoodandsealingwax.blogspot.com/  If you are on blogger already, let me know so I can follow you!

It’s the same blog that I post here, because at some point I’ll probably ditch this blog.  I’m not going to focus on weight loss forever…

MY LAPTOP IS WORKING AGAIN!!  My dad is visiting from Wisconsin, and let me know that the warranty (which we thought had expired) didn’t in fact expire until next month.  Woo-dee-fricken-hoo!  My keyboard was replaced, and the wicked nasty virus that was feasting on the soul of my poor lappy was crushed like the rotten fucking vermin it was.  Soooo, I ought to be blogging at least a couple of times a week again.

this is how you take care of computer viruses, guys.  this tubby bitch ain’t playin’ around.

I love the birth center.  I get to feel preggie bellies, discuss people’s sex lives, and see lots of boobs and babies when I am there.  I don’t understand why more people don’t want to be midwives.  It’s bloomin’ fun. I’ve not yet been to a birth there yet, but I’m sure there will be a mom that goes into labor this week.  For now I go there for clinic on Mondays, but my preceptor (midwife) isn’t going to give me an on-call schedule.  Anytime there is a birth she’s just going to give me a ring and I can come if I wish.  I have to reach fifty observes (watching and assisting the birth), so of course I’ll be there as often as possible.  If we don’t hit all of our numbers before our schooling ends, we have to continue paying tuition until we do.  That’s some damn good incentive to get the ball rolling.

Last Monday Juniper was in for her final visit with Kylie.  Juniper is in her early twenties.  She is beautiful and intelligent, and there is a sort of new found strength and efficiency that clings to her person.  Juniper talks about how well things are going at work, and how much she enjoys breastfeeding.  Things are falling into place, and even though the father isn’t in the picture she is glad that he is being responsible as far as finances go.  Whatever troubles she has expressed to Kylie in the last seven months I attempt to piece them together with the information from her file.  Her facial expressions were just as useful if not more so than all the notes written down from all of her visits.  Giving birth to her first child has transformed her.  She has given birth to a new life.  She has given birth to herself.  Not the old self who was afraid of being a single mother, and living alone, and being strong and balanced not only for herself but for a tiny new life as well, but a new self entirely.  A real sort of WOMAN self.  I don’t want this to be our last visit she says, and her eyes mist over.  I loved coming here.  And she stands up all at once, crying, and reaching out towards Kylie.  You’ve done so much for me, so much for me.  Thank you. Kylie is hugging her and Juniper is hugging back as she cries.

This is the life that I have chosen.

Being back at school is really good as well.  Our class lost three more students (two I expected, one I did not) so our number has been pared down to sixteen.  This country needs more midwives, so maybe someday I’ll go back to Wisconsin and open my own school.

Everybody seemed happier.  Peeps are starting at their clinical sites, or with their home birth midwives, and they are remembering why they came to midwifery school in the first place.  The first semester is difficult because you are stranded in a land of financial strain and study-stress, but without any exposure to the place where you are headed.  You aren’t laughing with pregnant women at the clinic, and you sure aren’t getting to hang around sweet little newborns.  What you are is ass deep in homework, far away from your family, and wondering what the shit you were thinking when you signed up for this.  You’re broke, the fridge is empty, you aren’t getting enough sleep, and the damn car needs gas.  It is so much easier to TAKE EVERYTHING now that we are actually permitted to start clinicals.  I think they ought to nix the rule about nothing counting before second semester.

first semester of midwifery school?  no thanks, i guess i’d rather die.

I am still sticking to my no meat (apart from sushi and maybe tuna once in a while) plan, and it is going well.  I’m getting in tons of vegetables, hitting my water quota, and feeling pretty satisfied all around.  My exercise routine is getting revamped, and I am blaming this on one of Jel’s posts.  That girl can be inspiring.  I’ve just been feeling inspired all around these days.  My energy has increased, and I feel like I can handle more.  It’s odd because I spent all last semester questioning myself ALL the fucking time, and now I feel all Taoist again.  I’m a purdy little leaf in a wide wide river with the sense to just go with it.

We have to journal at least once a week for school, and I am glad it is an assignment since I typically blog anyhow and can use my blog.  I’m changing people’s names, but you guys will probably be hearing a lot of midwifery related stories from me for a while.  Hopefully you don’t get sick of listening to all this shit.  If you do, let me know and I’ll try to make it more entertaining by supplying more visual aides, bells, and whistles.

It sure seems like ages since I have blogged.  My laptop hasn’t been working, and I have been looking at apartments/ making trips to Sarasota, so there wasn’t time for me to pound out nonsense blurbs on the keyboard.  I missed it though, so here I am again!

My cousin, Gina, was home visiting from Sweden, so the holidays were fun.  I spent lots of time hanging out with her, and her other three siblings.  We all grew up together, so seeing them frequently has been the best part about living in Florida.  The three sisters and I went to Sarasota to stay at my aunt’s (their mom’s) place for the weekend.  We went to a fabulous restaurant, and our table was soooo bloomin’ loud it was ridiculous.  Six silly women chatting and laughing at one table can be raucous, and it’s a good thing that the place was crowded and loud anyhow.  We were having a fine time, and laughing like loons.

Angela is the baby (22) and she is getting married in March, so we went with her so she could try on wedding dresses.  Let me tell you a little about Angela, because she’s just a vibrant and swell gal all around.  First off, she’s the only one of her siblings that ever had any weight issues, but she still exudes such confidence in herself that I am prone to feelings of admiration for her twinged with a touch of envy.  Her sisters are both very thin, but one never gets the impression that she wastes much time envying their bodies.  She really has a nice figure and ranges between a twelve and a fourteen, but always seems smaller than that to me.  Perhaps it is because she still looks good in a bikini, and is comfortable in her skin.  I admire that about her.  I also love the fact that she is extremely straightforward, and has a zero bullshit tolerance level, but still manages to be quite silly and hilarious.  There is something joyful in her character that is terribly pleasing.  Angela is also a chef, and we’ve had some pretty good times cooking together, and I admit that I find that people who are passionate about cooking are usually pretty nifty to hang around.

I never went with anybody trying on wedding dresses, and I happily report that it was a pleasant experience.  We were all getting teary at one point, because she had this wedding gown on and looked GORGEOUS and one of the employees helped her put her hair up and put on a veil.  I may be a tomboy, a science nerd, and an all around outdoorsy dork, but I’ve still got a sappy romantic side.

My aunt’s housemate also has a boat (SCORE and a HALF!) so she took us out on it.  Emily (the oldest at 28) had to go back to Orlando, which was a bummer, but we still had a good time.  Gina, Angela, and I stood at the front of the boat shrieking and waving our arms like mad, as Tracey raced around doing loops and spirals to keep us entertained.  I saw some dolphins (nobody else was quick enough to catch it) and on the way back we all saw another one.  Good times.  I’m all about the wildlife.

I passed all of my classes (whew) and have started clinicals at the birth center.  I have already been there two days, but we are not permitted to count anything until the tenth.  Honestly, I am alright with that, because I wanted to get a feel for the place a little.  The midwife there is clearly knowledgeable and dedicated, and I am thrilled to have gotten a good preceptor.  I go back on Monday, and classes start on Tuesday, so I already anticipate a loooong week ahead of me.  I am not living in Sarasota yet, and have just over a two hour drive to get there.  THANK ANYBODY WORTHY that class this semester starts at eleven on Tuesday.

My preceptor also knows another student midwife who is looking for a roommate at the end of the month.  Keep your fingers crossed that everything works out!  My credit is lousy, and I think I’ll have a hard time getting moved into a decent apartment because of it.  I’m sure I can set up shop in the ghetto, but there have already been folks expressing concern about some of the areas I was going to go apartment hunting in.  People sure are scared of a lot of things…

I have to make this quick, because I am about to pick up my cousin so we can run some errands, but I’ve set a lot of goals for myself in the last couple of days.  My life is unfolding in new and exciting ways, and I realize how much I have neglected my health and body over the last six years.  For once, I did not make ANY new years resolutions, because I was tired of resolving to lose weight every blasted year.  This year I want to learn to live in the world without fear.  I want to love and accept myself.  All I seek is to find balance in my life and in my heart.

I posted some goals for the next month, and I feel that they are reasonable and attainable.  I am thinking about nutrition a lot because I have to talk to pregnant women about their diets at the clinic.  I don’t have the brass cajones to recommend proper nutrition and self care when I’m not truly taking care of myself.  All I really want to do is incorporate more fruits and vegetables into my diet, and I’ve considered becoming a vegetarian again.  I’ll be sticking to mostly whole foods, and drinking obscene amounts of water.  Each time I feel like eating I ask myself, “Am I really hungry?  Why do I want to eat right now?”  I am really trying to be mindful about what I am putting into my body.  Since I’m not keen on following diets I’ve been focused more on meeting standard nutritional requirements.  I still believe that the fatsmashers guidelines are very good ones, and keep them in mind.

My cousin is getting married on March 19th.  That gives me about nine weeks to bust ass so that I can feel good about wearing a dress on her wedding day.  I would really like to lose two and a half pounds a week, which is why I feel I should give up meat for the time being.  ( I might permit myself white meats up to twice a week, mainly because I have some turkey burgers in the freezer, and also tilapia, and since I’m broker than a motherfucker I’d be wise to eat that stuff at some point.)  I do not consume much meat, but for whatever reason when I eat it I always feel hungrier.  I rarely eat red meat, and stick pretty much to chicken, and maybe fish a couple of times a month.  Even white meat makes me feel strangely ravenous.  The years I was a veggie I was in the best shape EVER because I didn’t get so many food cravings.  Many other things in my life were also different, and my diet was far from perfect, but I did have an easier time maintaining a healthy weight.  SO BRING IT ON!!!

Interestingly enough, Angela is also reverting back to her vegetarian ways because she wants to slim down and tone up a tad before her wedding.  Perhaps we should have a contest.