bits of string and sealing wax

my quest to achieve a balanced life

sleepy, pudgey, dinosaur October 31, 2010

Filed under: Life, The Universe, And Everything — didibuttonsley @ 11:45 am

Yesterday I helped my cousin move into her new apartment.  It was pretty interesting because I had (and still have) a low fever.  I am lucky to be able to laugh at my delirious self.  She found an amazingly large place with two bedrooms, two bathrooms, and tons of storage space, and it’s only 800 a month.  What a lucky ducky!  I just KNOW that I can find something as great in Sarasota.

She also decided to give me the uromastyx lizard that her parents bought her when she was in junior high.  Long ago she wanted to give the chubby dessert reptile away, but her mom didn’t let her.  Her no nonsense solution was to stop feeding him.  She didn’t feed the little guy for years.  I’m not joking.  Years.  And he didn’t die, because his species can tolerate horrid conditions.  When a pudgey lizard comes from the Sahara he is automatically a soldier I guess.  Sheesh.  We kind of bonded yesterday because he was staring at me all lazy-like with his orangey eyes, and I’m pretty sure he was asking me to look after him for a while.  He definitely needs to be nursed back to health.  The little fatty is all black because he hasn’t been getting the proper nutrition.  He should look like this.

His skin should be all dappled with red, orange, yellow and green, but it’s all a sad and sickly black.  Poor fellow.  I figure the two of us can get better together.  I’ve had lousy nutrition myself for too many years, so my pretty colors are stowed away as well.  The pair of us can get our colors back.  His name is Dudley, but I think I’ll call him Lazarus the phoenix lizard.  Tee hee hee.  He really is quite handsome in a pudgey, dinosaur sort of a way.  Creatures are good for healing.  In totem the lizard is a symbol of dreaming (I do totems for people, so I pay a lot of attention to critters) and I certainly have been doing my fair share of dreaming.

I’m going to eat a smackeral of something in a minute, and then I’ll probably do some belly dancing.  I am still feeling disease ridden, and am amazed at the amount of snot stored away in my body.  Yuck.  At around six Erica is coming over with little Lucas so we can wander the neighborhood gathering candy.  Yesterday he was wearing a superman onesey with a red cape.  It was freaking adorable.  For realsies, guys, it’s like I can feel myself start to ovulate whenever I see cute little kids or baby stuff.  Lord, help me.  I at least have to wait until midwifery school is almost finished before I can get knocked up.  It would also be smart if I was actually with somebody in a healthy relationship.  Bah!  Minor details, I say.

Later on I am going to repeat that weight loss spell that I tried the other night.  This time I have decided to do it with heavy cream instead of milk.  Don’t ask me why, because I don’t know.  I just follow what makes sense in my head.  That’s probably why I twirl around in large concentric circles.  It seemed to me that it ought to be extra potent with heavy cream and performed on Halloween.  I also plan on doing it a third and final time on November sixth because that is the new moon.  I’m glad I’m not a-scared to do bizarre ritualistic acts on a regular basis.  Life sans such things doesn’t seem like it would be as sparkly to me.


still sickly October 30, 2010

Filed under: Life, The Universe, And Everything — didibuttonsley @ 10:48 am

I’m still sick and my head is all woozy and full of cotton candy.  My alarm went off at seven a.m. but I couldn’t bring myself to shake open my eyes until nine.  Two hours off of my goal “get up girl” time isn’t too bad of a start.  I am hoping that tomorrow I can roust myself from the sheets at seven, and maybe I won’t be feeling so sickly and gross.

In spite of the rivers of snot running down my face I chose to work out anyway.  I picked the bellytwins’ “Bollywood Blast” dvd because I have never done it before, and I was hoping it would help me sweat out my illness.  I was sweating like crazy and quite light headed, but all in all I thought it was a pretty good workout dvd.  Now I know that I was going to focus on the belly dancing series before I jumped into bollywood, but I needed a new routine to keep my muddled feverish brain focused.  The Indi-Hop workout was included with the dvd I purchased, but I didn’t have the energy to make it through both routines.  Indi-Hop is some ass kicking cardio, and I’ll need to be restored to my full strength before busting out with that sucker.

If I’m not feeling too awful later I may do one of the other bellydance routines.

Five days ago I started using progesterone cream at the advice of a friend.  I LOVE LOVE LOVE this stuff, and wanted to let you gals know about it.  It balances out hormone levels to aid in weight loss, fight fatigue, eliminate depression and insomnia, prevent headaches, and cure mood swings.  I believe a prescription is required if you want progesterone cream from a drugstore, but if you go to you can purchase it without one.  The “Natural Balance Cream” is made by an ob/gyn who knows a friend of mine, and it is a special slow release blend.  I have been using this stuff twice a day since Tuesday, and I can’t seem to get enough of it.  Just thought I’d mention it in case anybody was interested.

I have to go do homework and blow my nose a hundred more times.

Hope you all are enjoying your weekends!


regrouping right now October 29, 2010

Filed under: Life, The Universe, And Everything — didibuttonsley @ 2:24 pm

My cousin is moving out today, and she is taking her piece of junk scale with her.  We like to laugh at that scale because it reads something different every time one of us steps off or steps back on.  But since I’ve not gotten around to purchasing a new one yet (something I believe I will do tomorrow or the next day or the next) I decided to stand on it one final time.  Disappointment was inevitable.  I weigh exactly the same as I did when I started this blog a couple of months ago.  Piss it.  I still linger between 210 and 212.  The day I drop back under two hundred pounds I am going to piss my pants with glee.  Literally, I am going to urinate all over myself due to sheer joy and the utter relaxation of my bladder.

I feel like my diet has been so much better since my big move to Florida.  I’ve been eating a lot more raw fruits and vegetables, and I’ve been paying attention to the cues that my body sends me.  Still, all I have managed to achieve is maintaining the same weight that I’ve hovered around for the past two years.  It is extraordinarily frustrating.  Damn it all to hell.

What am I going to do about it?  Well, for the past two nights I have positively focused on gaining a fresh sense of innocence and trust during my evening prayer ritual.  I realized that I can’t “go back” to that time when I was happy and excited about everybody and everything.  I know I have focused heavily on wanting to get back to the time when I was in shape, but that is utter foolishness.  There is no going back.  I’ve got to turn the page and start afresh.

Here is the plan to get things moving.

#1- My cousin and I found a nifty weight loss spell (it can’t hurt, guys) that I’ll be completing as soon as I finish this blog.  What you do is boil three cups of milk on the stove, and then pour it into a dish and allow it to cool.  This must be done while the moon is waning (which it is right now, and new moon is on November 6th) to be effective.  The waning moon is a time to move old patterns out of your life.  Once the milk has cooled pour it over your head in the shower while thinking loving thoughts about your beautiful, strong body.  I added three unripe figs to mine to symbolize the innocence and trust that I feel I have lost in myself and others.  I also added three small handfuls of basil to clear out and dispel old patterns that are no longer serving me in a positive way.

#2.  Wake up at seven a.m. every day.  I know that when I am up early I accomplish a great deal more than I do if I sleep past noon.  Sleeping Beauty needs to go into retirement.

#3.  Do a belly dance dvd every day in the morning at least five days out of the week.  When I have completed my belly dance dvd follow it up with the old school Jane Fonda aerobics routine that I used oh so long ago to reduce my weight by forty some pounds.  It worked once, and it will work again.

#4.  Follow the detox rules for breakfast six days out of the week.  This permits one breakfast a week in which you can eat whatever the heck you want.  Six days out of the week (including both days when you are in class) have only raw food items for lunch. Beans or tofu can be added for a source of protein.  Five days out of the week follow the detox rules for dinner.  Avoid meat.  When you are using an “anything goes” dinner be sensible and don’t overeat.  Give the leftovers to the dog.

#5.  Weigh yourself once a week.  Tuesday morning would be the best day for this.  Take your measurements once a week as well.

And that’s about it for now.  I wish I could post something more fun today, but I’m still feeling sickly and a little blah.  I have six hundred muscles to memorize, and a research paper to write.  I need somebody to snuggle with, and I need that person to tell me everything is going to work out great!


catching up (and ranting a little) October 28, 2010

Filed under: Life, The Universe, And Everything — didibuttonsley @ 9:03 pm

So having to go to HIV class on Saturday and Sunday really threw my week off.  Monday was an insane study-a-thon because I had to make up for not having any spare time during the weekend.  Tuesday’s test was both good and bad.  I did very well on the lecture exam, and I failed the fucking lab portion.  Boy was I steamed.  I like our professor, but she has admitted that the class is ridiculously hard on purpose.  In her opinion this is like doing drills under live fire.  We will learn to deal with stress.  I can honestly say that I understand this perspective, and I also understand that it is a popular one.  To get want you want you have to bash your brains in, and work hard, and sacrifice, and be stressed.  I get it.  The trouble is that this is a belief system that I do not subscribe to.  Six years of metaphysical healing classes have taught me a very opposing system.  According to my system I function from a place of no fear, and from a place of love.  My trust is so complete that in times of need I ALWAYS know what to do.  I am calm and my intuition is my guide.  I don’t need to fill my head with the unnecessary facts that scholars so desperately cling to.  My gift is in the application.  She also admitted that as midwives we won’t need to know much of what we are memorizing.  This is all just a foolish endurance test.  Still, it would be easier to move on if she hadn’t written an annoying note on my lab exam, and then gone on to declare to the class that there were people failing because they were just plain sloppy.  Their lives were sloppy and their methods were sloppy.  I was so damn hurt by that remark that I felt like crying.  I mean, I know I’m a bit sloppy, but I don’t expect it to be thrown in my face in a classroom.  And isn’t so very simple pointing out what is wrong in others?  I’m still upset about it.  We don’t have a fucking lab, but we are supposed to learn it by ourselves.  Twelve people (out of twenty) failed the lab exam.  Something is wrong with that.  Blarg.

HIV class was fun.  I giggled a lot and felt like I was thirteen and in sex ed all over again.  A bunch of us went to dinner, and then we went to a club.  Dancing is great stress relief.

There is one girl in class that annoys the bejesuses out of me, and I’ve been trying really hard to let that go.  She reminds me of the only other person in the world that I don’t like much, so it makes it tough for me to be around her.  She hides behind spirituality and uses it as an excuse to mistreat and use people.  I don’t like that sort of attitude.  I also respond poorly to very controlling people who whine like fucking mules when they don’t get their way.  As long as she is getting what she wants she’s a pretty cool chic, but as soon as things slip out of her scope and out of her control I find her behavior intolerable.  I am begging you guys to send me patience and understanding.  It really bothers me when I don’t like others.

We had a three hour session with a trained mediator at the end of the day on Wednesday.  That pleased me greatly since I really felt like my suggestions had been listened to.  It felt like a turning point for a lot of women in that room.  I am glad that they had the opportunity to let go and get a little healing.

I didn’t stick to the detox.  We went out to dinner twice.  I am all sick and feverish today so I wanted soup and hot foods, but hopefully tomorrow I will be feeling better and can start over.  I’m thinking that I may just detox five days a week.  I haven’t been eating badly when I am off of the detox, but I do wish that I could just stick to it for nine days.  Shit.  I just want to be under 200 pounds again.  I want to be at 163 and a size 12 so I can fit into all my super cute old clothes.

I need to start my bellydancing, but I felt too shitty to do it today.  I can’t seem to find a groove.  School, diet, and exercise shouldn’t be so difficult for me to balance, but they are.  My sinuses hurt and I have been insanely thirsty for the last two days.  I keep drinking and drinking water, but the thirst doesn’t go away.  It’s a weird kind of sickness, and I have a hunch that it’s all due to stress.

Send me hugs cause I’m under the weather and it’s starting to hail!


no naps or snacks for me October 23, 2010

Filed under: Life, The Universe, And Everything — didibuttonsley @ 7:16 am

I am at school waiting for my HIV class to start.  This shit better be fricken good or I am gonna WHINE WHINE WHINE (on the inside).  I won’t really whine.  I am gonna NAP NAP NAP (in my heart).

I have to be here all day Saturday and Sunday.  NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!  Save me Jeebus!  And I don’t even get a day to chill, because I have a big ole anatomy class on Tuesday.  Succotash and day old bread!

All I want to do is take a nap, eat some tacos, indulge in a snooze, go for a long walk with my pup, rest on the couch, eat some chinese food, have a siesta, etc.  I can’t do any of those things.  Boo!


artemis versus sleeping beauty October 22, 2010

Filed under: Life, The Universe, And Everything — didibuttonsley @ 7:31 pm

I have been stressed lately.  When I am stressed I tend to sleep a lot.  When I am avoiding things I tend to sleep a lot.  When I feel like being alone and I have roommates I tend to sleep a lot.  I am a modern day sleeping beauty.  Choosing to stay tangled up in an enchanted slumber, I snooze on my raft of a bed until I reach calmer waters.  I’ve been drifting on this raft since high school, and I’m not sure if I’m waiting for a prince to show up or what.

When I was a kid I gorged myself on folklore and fairy stories, and I do suspect that a big part of my brain still retains all the underlying themes of those lovely stories.  So many of them involve some poor young thing waiting around for a prince to waltz into the scene and save the day.  I really am waiting for someone or something to pop up and wake up the sleeping spaces in my brain.   The trouble with that fairy tale prince stuff is that it goes against the other half of me that wishes for self empowerment above everything else.

So let us picture a scenario in which a prince shows up and offers me all the material goods I so desire.  Hottie McGee drives up in a sunshine yellow Porsche Boxter Spyder.  He leaps out of the vehicle, sweeps me off my feet, cusses loudly several times as his lower back screams in agony due to my excess girth, promptly drops me to the ground, and then leans against his darling Porsche panting in anguish because of a newly acquired herniated disc in his lumbar spine.  As I obligingly drive Hottie McPrinceyPants to the hospital he attempts (between gasps and groans) to explain that I am his one true love and we are destined to be together.  He’ll provide me with a lovely chateau, the koi ponds and chickens that I’ve been wanting, and sacks and sacks of cash to fund my permaculture projects.  So, okay, we don’t know each other at all, but this is quite an offer.  As we arrive at the ER he says that all I have to do is get hitched with him right away, and then my amazing dream life can begin.  I am left some time to ponder as the nurses roll his gurney away.  And as PrinceyMcFobbyTrousers is wheeled around the corner I can still hear him babbling about true love and destiny and all that crap.

Hmmmm.  Maybe I should have a snooze and get back to him.

wake me up if you want, baby, but i ain’t promising you any commitment

The truth is this: I wouldn’t place security and material needs above my own growth and empowerment.  I have done that in the past, and it isn’t going to happen again.  Even if part of me desires such a prince (hopefully a bit stronger than the one depicted in my tale) to come wandering by I know I won’t stay with somebody until I feel like I am a truly independently functioning and balanced woman.  I don’t want to be some feather brained damsel lowering her braids from the tallest tower every night in the hopes that some plucky young fellow will climb on up (effectively scalping me) and save me.  I’m not really princess material.

I think I have far more in common with goddesses than princesses.  The princess goes weeping about playing the victim while the goddess is off kicking ass somewheres.  I mean, think about it.  If you put Sleeping Beauty in the ring with Artemis who do you think will end up the victor?  I’m pretty sure that when Charming shows up Beauty will be all impaled with arrows, and Artemis’ seven hounds will be snacking on her fetid corpse.  Just saying.

So that takes care of princes.  Now what about these sleeping/ wakeful spells of mine?

Insomnia and sleeping are my two biggest problems.  I’ve been slowly accepting this idea over the last few weeks, and I realize that sleeping/ insomnia are the worst grungies that I’ve got plaguing me.  My circadian rhythm issues are way worse than food and fat, because they linger underneath it all.  I’m bringing this up because I went to sleep at four in the morning and slept until four in the afternoon.  I have a terrible time falling asleep at night, even if I am exhausted because I have been awake for over twenty four hours.   Tomorrow and Sunday I have class, so what will happen is this: I stay awake all night and head to class at seven in the morning.  I’m in class until the evening, but when we get to the hotel and I should be ready for bed I’m going to be all wide awake.  I will get a few hours of sleep and then go to class on Sunday.  I’ll get home late Sunday night, but won’t be able to fall asleep until three or four.  I fall into a mini coma and waste my Monday sleeping… and then I have to go to class on Tuesday and Wednesday so it starts all over.

What. The. Fuck.

During times when I am without a schedule my cycle will actually shift later and later in the day until I have moved through the entire twenty four hour period.  It will stay “normal” for a while and then the whole thing repeats itself.  I’ve been like this since I was fifteen, and the madness needs to stop.  The circadian rhythm sleep disorder that I suffer from commonly effects blind people, but I don’t know what the heck my excuse is.

What I do know is that sleeping all day results in negative outcomes.  When I pull my princess in waiting nonsense I don’t want to exercise, I am more likely to eat crappy foods, and also have a stronger urge to frequent bars.  Bar people are generally up until all hours, so in the past I could still get in plenty of socializing (if you want to call drunken mirth socializing) even when my sleeping schedule was out of whack.  I had hoped that drinking was what was throwing off my sleep cycles, but I was wrong.  I don’t really go out anymore, but I still notice a shifting sleep pattern.

I’ve tried tons and tons of things (no prescription meds) to regulate my cycles, but nothing has ever stuck.  Sometimes a remedy would work for a short amount of time, but then become useless.  Sleeping beauty would always come riding up on her white fucking horse and wearing a garish pink dress, and she would tap me between the eyes and knock me out.  What a hooker.

yeah, i’d love to hang out, but unfortunately i’ll be sleeping until next tuesday

I have missed events because of my whack-a-doodle sleeping issues.  I have missed classes.  I have skipped out on work.  Enough is enough.  I apologize if this blog is leaning towards the long and boring side, but I really wanted to get this stuff out.  I am ready to accept full responsibility for my sleepy time troubles.  I’m trading in Sleeping Beauty so that I can upgrade and be a huntress with Artemis.  A person can’t sleep through problems.  Trust me.  It doesn’t work.

I’m not sure how to go about mastering my circadian rhythm issue, but I think putting it out there is a step in the right direction.  I wonder if Artemis carries a cell along with that bow of hers.  I could call her for a few pointers.  I bet that she is up with the larks and wandering in the woods long before my ass is ever out of bed.

allow me to let fly this arrow into your left ass cheek.  that ought to get you out of bed.


grungies and payoffs

Filed under: Life, The Universe, And Everything — didibuttonsley @ 12:03 am

I had a really great communications class yesterday.  It was by far the best IRCS, and I feel a little saddened because this segment (we will have IRCS again in the future) ends after one more class.  I felt like people were finally opening up and getting into it.  There has been so much negativity in that room, and I am sick and bloody tired of it.  Maybe I was naive, but I did not expect to find so much negativity and judgment at midwifery school.  I expected more camaraderie, union, and bonding.  Don’t get me wrong, I didn’t envision that it would be all dancing around the may pole and skipping through fucking fields of wildflowers, but geez, there sure are some complaining ass bitches up in that school.  They whine so much it’s friggin’ distracting.  Shut your face and learn!!!  Students are on a quest for knowledge, yet some of these clowns seem to be on a quest to run the place.

Whew.  I had to get that off my chest.  After class I spoke with the teacher a bit, and felt infinitely better about things.  For reals, it was getting to me so much that I actually considered transferring to another school. But now I’ve got a fresh perspective on things, and I’m going to do what I do best (not tapdancing, cake making, or juggling).  I am going to blast positive and healing energy all over the place.  For the last two nights (and forever more until the tea has brewed to perfection in the pot) I included blessings for the students, faculty, and school in my evening prayer ritual.  And let me tell you, I ain’t messing around anymore.  My classmates have two options which include either a) open up to some positive healing energy and transform into less judgmental peeps who don’t spend all day bitching up a storm   or b) get the hell out of dodge so the rest of us can enjoy life and school in peace   I feel that my terms are reasonable.  I want the highest and best good for everybody, but I also want to feel a little joy and humor in the classroom.  A room without joy is an oreo lacking the tasty, creamy filling sandwiched between the cookies.  And that is simply criminal!!!

So now that I am on a healing rampage I believe I might just go on ahead and hang a couple of crystals in my classroom when nobody is looking.  Gotta get the positive vibes swirling around in there before the darkness sneaks up and swallows us all.  Just call me the healing ninja.

Anywhozzles.  Today was pretty dullsville.  I studied for anatomy and colored a zillion anatomy pictures.  Zzzzzzzzz.  Jelbelle said I sneeze fun, but today I sneezed out nothing but regular snot.  The fun bank was tapped today.  A criminal mastermind cracked the safe and made off with my stores of mirth.  I was left with naught but sacks of sleepy boredom and stacks of articulations to color.  Can somebody say, “The lamest Thursday ever to date?”  Ick.  Don’t bother saying that, I don’t want the boredom bug to bite you too.

I’ve got to do another assignment for IRCS that you guys may find interesting though.  It has to do with recognizing negative patterns that reappear consistently in our lives.  These yuck-fuck (I need to stop cussing so much) feelings are called grungies.  (This stuff comes from the book Relationships That Work)  Here is a list of unpleasant things that simply suck a fat one: anger, confusion, fear, feeling like a victim, humiliation, embarrassment, worthlessness, hurt, pain, sadness, resentment, guilt, bitterness, shame, anxiety, inadequacy, pressure, suffering, jealousy, disappointment, frustration, discouragement, the need to complain, sickness, fatigue, boredom, being broke, poverty, debt, being a martyr.  I want you to get a sheet of paper.  Turn it longside down.  On the left side of the sheet write down each of the grungies I just listed.  You will have a column of single words that will be circled (use different colors because it is more fun) and matched with a line to words on the right side of the sheet.  Do it.  We are here to transform our bodies, but we can’t do that unless we transform our minds and beings too.

We are supposed to be happy creatures, right?  Well then why do we choose to feel things like depression, anger, and frustration?  Maybe you don’t think you choose these emotions, but you do.  Why are you choosing them then?  The list of possible reasons for choosing these negative emotions is called the Payoffs list.  Here are some “payoffs” for you to consider: getting attention, gaining sympathy, feeling superior, feeling right, an excuse for not taking risks, an excuse for failure, an excuse for laziness, an excuse not to move forward, protection, manipulation, maintaining an image, avoiding responsibility, reinforcing and justifying beliefs, being able to have no accountability, being able to hide. Write each payoff in a column on the right side of your sheet of paper.  Now we get to play the matching game!  Circle something on the left that has wormed its way into your life.  Think!  Think about what you’re trying to do to me!  I mean, think about this emotion and the role it plays in your dealings with yourself and others.  Look at the list on the right side of the page and ask yourself what kind of “payoff” you receive from this grungy feeling.  Draw a line over to the payoff.  Rinse.  Repeat.  It is better to be aware of just what we are doing, and just why we are doing it, right?

What kind of jacked up cycles are you guys finding in your lives?  I often feel resentment towards others for past events because it allows me to feel that I was right (when the situation occurred) and am therefore superior.  I sometimes have the need to complain or play the victim so that I will receive sympathy.  My fatigue is an excuse for laziness, and also reinforces my belief that I shell out so much energy to others that I am constantly tired.  I martyr myself for attention, and so people will be impressed at how great my capacity for giving is.  I have used sadness to manipulate others.

But wait!  There’s good news!  We can change how we react to things.  We can change our responses to our environment.  We can be deliberate and positive creators.  It’s never too late.  “Conscious living involves examining what our habits have made us, what part of the legacy from our past habits we truly want to keep and what we choose to discard.” David B. Wolf

What you can do with your “grungies” is take note of them during the week.  If you feel yourself slipping into one of these cycles take a step back from it and give yourself time to think.  Could you make a more positive choice?  Is there a better way to communicate your feelings?  If you internally accept one hundred percent accountability your life is going to make a positive shift.

The book suggests that you choose three relationships in your life that you want to change for the better.  Think of one or more grungies that you use on the person in your relationship, and what the payoff is.  Then you are supposed to own up to the grungy and the payoff to the person.  After that you attempt to figure out a more positive replacement for the cycle.  I’m not sure if I am ready to do all that yet, but I’ll be thinking it over.

Gotta get to bed.  Have a swimmingly swum day, guys.


gimme some more of that sauce October 20, 2010

Filed under: Life, The Universe, And Everything — didibuttonsley @ 11:55 am

I’m in Healthcare Skills right now (she’s going over the test, so I don’t feel guilty that I’m putzing around on my laptop) and guess who got a 98 percent on her midterm exam?  Yeah, that’s right!  This kid right here.

So I chatted with my cousin, several students, and one of the faculty members of the school about my concerns having to do with the lack of a lab in anatomy and physiology, and my desire to possibly transfer to another midwifery school.  These topics are not things that I would normally mention.  I have a bad habit on internalizing my worries and problems, and I’ve been trying really hard to work on that issue.  It felt good to vent in a constructive manner, and I am very glad that I made the suggestions that have been lingering on the tip of my tongue for weeks.

So I still don’t know if I should find an apartment near the area that I’m already at, or if I should move to Sarasota.  Maybe I should make a pros and cons list or something like that.  I’d like to live near the ocean, but I don’t know if moving further away from school is all that practical.  I guess the thing to do would be to look at apartments in both places and see what feels best.  Well, that settles that.

Yesterday I almost managed to follow my detox, but we ended up going to Chop Stix before we went to the hotel.  I would recommend that restaurant if anybody is ever in Gainesville.  I got Kung Pao Tofu, so it was just tofu and brown rice (which are both on the detox) but it was swimming with yummy yummy sauce.  So fricken good.  It was totally worth it.  I could have bathed in that sauce it was so damn tasty.  Yikes.  You guys probably don’t want to visualize me wallowing around in a vat of oozing, gooey Kung Pao sauce.

Bree, Shea, Jessica and I have decided to stay in a hotel on Tuesdays from this point on.  One of our classmates was supposed to let us stay at her place, but she bailed at the last minute.  We found a cheap place conveniently located near Chop Stix (and school too!) that isn’t too seedy or dilapidated.  Last night was totally fun.  We meant to study after dinner, but there was lots of talk and giggles in true slumber party style.  In spite of the fact that we studied some last night, and got up early to study this morning, we all failed the quiz today.  Oops.

I wish I had some more of that Kung Pao tofu.  When you’ve been consuming a very plain diet it is sooo wonderful to indulge in a little bit extra.  The next phase of this fat smashers thing adds meat, but I really think I want to go meat free for a month or so.  I’m feeling good about food lately, so I’m just going to go with it.


just soak me in pesto, please October 18, 2010

Filed under: Life, The Universe, And Everything — didibuttonsley @ 7:27 pm

Last night my cousin, Angela, and I decided to brew up some wellness baths (thank the lord there are three bathtubs in this house) in order to promote positive energy flowing into our lives.  A fantastic (and super simple) way to do this is with basil.  Use two or more tablespoons of dried basil (use fresh basil when your focus is on money) and place into a bowl.  Cover the herbs with at least two cups of boiling water, and then let it steep until the water is no longer hot.  You can let it get cold if you want, but if you are chomping at the bit you can pour it into your bathwater while it is still warm.  Before pouring the basil water into the tub, add two or more big handfuls of sea salt into the tub.   No sea salt, no problem.  A basil bath is a refreshing detox on its own and will clear negative energy.  If you feel like those around you are controlling and negative, a basil bath is perfect.  Adding sea salt helps to further detox the body.  Light some candles and relax.  You deserve it.  I recommend that you do Jelbelle’s dance epiphany challenge, and then have a soak in the tub.  For fricken reals.  That’s what I think I’m gonna do when I’m done writing this.

Anyhow, I added a ripe fig and a fig leaf (for abundance, family, and love) to my mix as well, so if you feel compelled to toss in any other things to your mix, go for it.  All of us are a little kitchen-witchy in the fall, right?

Today I woke up and felt AMAZING.  The detox has definitely helped me shed at least five pounds so far (I am on day five) but I’m not sure of the exact amount because I still need to get a new scale.  The best part is that I’m really enjoying eating such simple foods.  And I won’t lie, on day two I had a few bites of ice cream.  Still felt great.  Yesterday I had a pudding cup and a bit of Angela’s left over sandwich.  Still feeling like a champ.  As long as I am eating healthy whole foods most of the time I am satisfied with my progress.  I don’t seem to be having too many food cravings or anything either, and that is pretty nice.

Well, I am off to dance around like a clown as per Jelbelle’s suggestion, and then I’m taking another basil/ sea salt bath.  Tuesday and Wednesday I will be in class, so I probably won’t talk to you folks again until Thursday.  This week is going to be extra hectic because I have an HIV class on Saturday and Sunday, and our next huge Anatomy exam is on Tuesday.  It’s all gonna be downhill from here.

Hugs and bugs!!


“yes and no,” says the legless sloth October 17, 2010

Filed under: Life, The Universe, And Everything — didibuttonsley @ 10:33 pm

As an exercise for a required interpersonal relations and communications class (that is really fun to say out loud!  go on, give it a whirl, you know you want to!) I am supposed to answer two questions.  When should I have said “yes” when I said “no?”  And when should I have said “no” when I said “yes?”  These questions seem simple to the point of utter stupidity, but I realize that answering will serve a useful function, so I’ve decided to answer in this blog.  Think about this one, gang.  All the yes-es and no-ses that we say over the years add up.  Those two tiny words create our boundaries.  This is what I will and will not do.  These are the agreements that I have made with myself and others.  Here are the contracts that I have formed with my integrity.

If a person loves and respects you, that person should admire your “no” just as much as your “yes.”  And I wonder if those I am connected with have an equal respect for my “yes” and my “no.”  “No” can have some negative undertones to it.  I fully understand why some parenting styles attempt to avoid using the word no.  No, no, no.  It gets old after the billionth time.

When should I have said “yes” when I said “no.”

The first thing I thought of is quite silly, but as it was the first thing that popped into my mind I’d better bite the radish and own up to it.  Some time ago a friend of mind suggested that we go out on a few dates together just to see what would happen.  My immediate response was no.  It was an unyielding no, and in retrospect I feel that it was just a jackass move.  A handful of casual dates would have been fun and positive, and I had to go and overthink everything.  Mostly because I am a knobhead and my blundering foolishness knows no bounds.  Now I don’t think we (the guy I handed the uncalled for “no” to) are star crossed or twin flames or soul mates, but I should have just said “Yeah, sure, why the hell not?”  We did fool around a handful of times, but I was adamantly NOT DATING at that point in time.  I gave a lame excuse.  Is there anything sorrier than a lame excuse?  And come the fuck on, I was willing to fool around with this guy, but I wouldn’t go on an official date with him?  Who in blazes was I trying to kid?  I have done that SOOOOOOO many times.  I’m such a lusty, thoughtless, strumpet.  Sheesh.  Perhaps I should be saying no to sex and yes to friendly dates.  I’ve been attempting to incorporate that very idea into my life, but it ain’t easy.  In the past several months I’ve become pretty good at saying no to sex, but I guess I haven’t got the whole yes to friendly dates part down yet.  Baby steps.  I am a three legged turtle.  Or a quadriplegic three toed sloth.

this is me just before the accident that rendered my limbs useless

When else have I said no when I ought to have been like “Fuck Yeah!!”?  Jeez, I guess there are lots of times.  There are all these trivial events scattered over the years that collectively have a giant effect on my happiness and personality.  Ooooh, girls, I think I’m onto something here.  Didi is going to be dishing out less “lame-excuse-no’s” from here on out.  I can’t let the nameless fear hold me back.

And now I’ll do a sloth roll onto the next question.  When should I have said En-To-The-Oh and instead muttered out a robotic “affirmative?”  Once I let a buddy of mine move in even though I knew it would be a huge m-effin’ disaster.  My original response was no, but I cracked when she told me I owed her.  I set aside my feelings out of guilt, and all it did was create a shit storm for everybody involved.  This event (combined with a few other ones that occurred roughly at the same time) was a huge turning point in my life.  It is one of the events that taught me that I am not responsible for the happiness of others, and that sacrificing my emotions to try to help or fix somebody else is not something that I am obligated to do.  Giving without receiving leads to a life of burnout, regret, and bitterness.  Healthy relationships are equal portions of give and take, and I am not responsible for the woes of the world.  When I make excuses for the way that others treat me, and try to be all understanding while still letting them abuse me IT IS MY OWN FAULT.  Getting caught up in draining relationships was something that I did to prevent myself from moving forward.  I was afraid of moving on, so I told myself that I needed to maintain negative relationships out of duty.  What a bunch of horse shit.  Insurmountable mounds of horse poo are piling up all around that nonsense.

This is pretty fun.  I should have said no when an arty emo ex of mine wanted to join me and some friends for pizza night two summers ago.  What a whiny little bitch he was that evening.  I should have said no to both parties when a certain friend asked me to fool around with another friend that she was breaking up with.  Hey, I think that’s a lousy idea and I’m going to walk away right now!  Ahhh.  This is cathartic.

I gotta get to bed.  I successfully completed day four of detox today, and got up really early for a bike ride.  A bike ride is a pretty good start to the day.


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