bits of string and sealing wax

my quest to achieve a balanced life

palominos, sunshine, and sultry, sexy saturdays September 11, 2010

Filed under: Life, The Universe, And Everything — didibuttonsley @ 10:39 pm


Remember the portion from my last post when I was blathering about not wanting to weigh myself? Well, as it turns out I am full of shit at least half of the time (which means I’m not full of shit for the other half of the time, right?) and never know what mood I’m going to be in from one day to the next. I felt bold today, so I mounted the beastly scale with my six shooters drawn and wearing my Clint Eastwood style poker face. And then I realized that six shooters add quite a few pounds onto an already large figure, so I set them down on the sink counter and got back onto the scale sans six shooters. The ten gallon hat my head was adorned with had been overlooked, so once again I was forced to step down from the scale to remove accessories. This time I was wise enough to remove not just the hat, but the spurred boots and chaps as well. But to my intense chagrin my palomino gelding was whinnying outside because I’d forgotten to refill his feedbag with oats. Feeling somewhat flustered I fed my horse and began to head back to the bathroom scale when I had the misfortune of noticing that the beast had managed to throw a shoe… After several hours of odd issues arising that were somehow related to the old west, I was finally able to weigh myself, and guess what? I lost a pound.

good job on losing that pound.  now go fetch me some molasses and oats, bitch.

I spent a very long time swimming in the pool as a reward, and I’m feeling pretty fine about life. After my swim I slathered on some fancy shmancy tanning lotion and sprawled out poolside to do some of my school reading. In the future I am going to do as much reading homework as possible whilst covered in scented oils and browning in the sun. I recommend a little tanning to soothe the soul and ease the mind. In my opinion, natural sun gives better color than the beds, but I also enjoy tanning beds. What a way to relax! Oh, and for any tanners out there it really does make a difference if you use those expensive tanning oils. My mother and I conducted a wee experiment involving tanning oils (from about 30 dollar varieties up to 120 dollars) and noticed a huge difference in color. Your skin stays nice and moisturized too. When you lose that next five pounds maybe you should reward yourself with a nice trip to your nearest tanning salon, and bring a bronzing lotion along to make you feel like a brazen sex goddess. Just sayin’. Avoid purchasing lotions at the beds, unless you are just getting samples to see what you like. Search for lotions on Amazon, and you will be amazed at the price difference. Australia Gold Vogue bronzer was $120 at the salon, and about $39 off of Amazon. I sure do love that Amazon. I am a fan of these lotions: Australia Gold Wicked, Crystal, and Vogue; Swedish Beauty Fig Get Me Not, Take Olive Me, and Bronze Voyage (only thirteen dollars on Amazon, and I love the stuff!).

When I first decided to try tanning I felt a little awkward about it because I’m not a beach beauty or anything, but shoot, pudgy girls look cute with tans too! Just because I’m the size of a sub-adult manatee doesn’t mean that I can’t rock out a bronzed goddess image. Pictures of me with a tan always make me look skinnier too. I wonder why that is…

Oh, wow. I feel like a bimbo for typing about tanning and lotions for as long as I did. And this is supposed to be a weight loss blog. Where does it say how many calories I consumed? Where is the list of crap that I ate today? Oh yeah, I wrinkled it up and threw it out after I had my second toffee ice cream bar. By the time it hit the trash I was washing my ice cream bar down with a fudgesicle. Ah, me.

I was carrying on about tanning because I believe it is very important for a woman to feel pretty. No, not just pretty, let me rephrase that. It is very important for a woman to feel like a sexy minx. Trust me. I don’t care if you weigh one hundred pounds or you are the size of a damn barge, do something that makes you feel like the bloomin’ queen of France! Drink soy milk out of a wine glass and invest in an oriental silk robe. Connect with your inner Aphrodite. If you can’t feel a spark of inner gorgeous no amount of weight loss and dieting is going fix your broken bits, so do the world a favor and sew those broken bits back together with the prettiest embroidery floss you can find. Spare no expense, baby, because we’re playing for keeps.

The silliest thing about my weight gain is that it taught me to feel sexy. I had to pack on sixty pounds so that I could learn what “sexy” was all about. After highschool I lost forty/forty-five pounds and kept it off for years, but I NEVER REALIZED I WAS ATTRACTIVE, and not just attractive, but quite beautiful. What a goontard. I must laugh at myself. Over the years there have been loads of times when I felt smoking hot, and that is just such a swell feeling. I just did everything all ass-backwards. I lost weight and still felt insecure about my looks, and then I gained weight and learned to feel like a vixen. Yep. I’m a jackass.

You, too can learn to play the part of the vixen. You just gotta figure out what makes you feel sultry and scrumptious. I recommend mismatched tea sets and racy lingerie from lingeriediva.com.

Well, it is pretty late, so I’d best be getting to Bedfordshire. I hope you all have a great Sunday.


 

2 Responses to “palominos, sunshine, and sultry, sexy saturdays”

  1. pepagirl Says:

    I miss the tanning bed! I might have to start going again. I used to use a nice tingler tanning lotion but I can’t remember the name of it… might have been hypnotize or something like that… oh well. You go girl- be a sexy vixen!

  2. jetperson Says:

    i’m loving this! Thanks for writing this down!

    i think i’d feel so much better if I went ahead and OWNED my own sexy-ness. Thanks for the words of advice! I gotta figure out how to be smoking hot my damn self!

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