bits of string and sealing wax

my quest to achieve a balanced life

It’s A Long Climb To Hades August 19, 2010

Filed under: Life, The Universe, And Everything — didibuttonsley @ 8:34 pm

I’m taking a break from packing up the car, but not too long of a break, because I’ve put it off long enough. I can’t believe how much time I’ve been spending at the gym this week, and it’s all because I’d rather be sweating on the equipment than sorting through the mounds of shit (er… I mean, goodstuff) that are piled from one end of my house to the other. If I only had a large quantity of kerosene I just might take a box of matches and… Kidding. I wouldn’t really burn my house down just to avoid organizing the rest of my junk. I may be epically lazy as I battle off the wombat sized dust creatures that spring out from under my couch with one hand while I am reclining on said couch with a gin and tonic in the other hand, but I don’t think I’d go so far as to set the whole place ablaze. For one thing, I do have a lot of really neat stuff. Also my cousin is going to be living in my Wisconsin house while I’m in Florida for school, and I’m willing to bet that he doesn’t want to reside in a burned out shell of a house. But maybe he wouldn’t mind. He could pretend to be existing in some post apocalyptic city for the next three years, and perhaps create his own thunderdome where once the living room stood. Hmmmm. These are a lot of good ideas that I am having.

I used some new equipment at the gym today. They just got this new machine that is essentially a tiny little escalator that allows you to walk up steps indefinitely. There are other step-type machines there, but none of them come close to being as visually satisfying as this new thingy. It’s just steps. Forever. They literally never fucking end. Yesterday I wanted to try it, but there was a woman on it for an unbelievable amount of time. I’d guess between half an hour and forty minutes. That seemed like a long time to me because it just looked difficult to keep climbing and climbing like that. I was behind her and to the left on an elliptical, and I couldn’t stop watching those stairs as they slid out of the top of the machine, and then back into the bottom. It was sooooo hypnotic. I bet anybody there who noticed me staring thought that I was checking out that woman’s butt. Oh well.

So today I got on that sucker, and boy, it ain’t no joke. I only lasted for four minutes. After four grueling minutes of huffing my way up the never ending staircase I realized that I had to either stop or face an untimely death. I swear it felt like I was climbing to hell, and that perhaps the Christians had gotten things reversed somewhere along the line. Zeppelin, there will be NO stairway to heaven, I assure you. If there is I’m taking the bloody elevator. I was shocked at how big of a pussy I turned out to be as I slunk back over to my favored elliptical. I love the ellipticals because they have so many different programs to choose from, and I feel like I’m getting an awesome workout, but I never worry that my heart is just going to say “to heck with this” and explode in my chest. The stair-stepper-o-matic has me seriously whipped, guys.

I feel so humiliated that I am praying that one of the Anytime Fitness locations near me in Florida has one of them. I can honestly say that if they do have one I will use it every day until I can hold my head up again. A young thing like me ought to be able to manage for at least a quarter of an hour on that beast. Oh, and that lady sprinting for half an hour (plus) up the never ending stairway to Hades, she couldn’t have even been a human. I’m pretty sure she’s one of those halfsies that are a result of a god or goddess banging a human. If I weren’t leaving tomorrow I’d go back and get her autograph and pin it next to a pair of skinny jeans. It would be a great motivator. You want to wear these, Didi? Well then you gonna have to climb stairs like a demigod.

Hello, Deonn, I heard that you met my daughter yesterday at the gym.

Well, tomorrow I’m leaving as soon as possible, so I may not be online for a day or two. Then again I will be staying overnight at my Mum’s house in Tennessee, so I might post an entry if I’m not too exhausted. Since tomorrow will be day three of my four day win, I’ll either have to go to the gym before I leave or make sure to walk my dog once I get to my mother’s house. I suppose I could walk my dog instead of go to the gym. So many options… so little brain to help me choose one.


2 Responses to “It’s A Long Climb To Hades”

  1. pepagirl Says:

    Lol! You could paint little yellow lines down the middle of the stairs and scream the lyrics to “Highway to Hell” to make a point to the evil stair-stepping-machine of doom that you will kick its ass- one day…

  2. skinnyk10 Says:

    hate those things – wouldn’t go near one. Have fun with that!

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