bits of string and sealing wax

my quest to achieve a balanced life

this is how it happened August 16, 2010

Filed under: Life, The Universe, And Everything — didibuttonsley @ 3:50 pm

I developed the mentality of a fatty somewheres around first grade. My mother had struggled with weight during her childhood, and she sure was a competitive and jealous critter, so I think she sort of encouraged horrid eating habits. She wouldn’t have been able to tolerate a pretty, well adjusted daughter, so I modified myself accordingly. A mother’s love is like crack to a six year old girl, and I was no exception. But unlike crack, Mom’s love couldn’t keep my weight down. It sent me across the alley and over to zaftig town.
In spite of the fact that I was an exceptionally gifted child, I was either heavily criticized or just plain ignored. I packed on pounds here and there to act as a buffer that would shield me from the harsh judgments my wee little universe presented. I became awkward, very chubby, and reluctant to join the real world.
Nobody bothered teaching me how to be a young woman, so by the time I hit junior high I loathed being female. My mom was such a self-centered-muffin-brain that she didn’t even bother mentioning the simplest things- like when it was an opportune time to start wearing bras. I remember how ridiculously inept I felt when my best friend pulled me aside and told me that it was in my best interest to start investing in some bras. It’s time to reign those suckers in, girl! My clothing issues didn’t stop there. Without any guidance as to how to dress my curves appropriately, I was a hot mess. I dressed in baggy men’s pants, sweaters, and button down shirts throughout most of my junior high and highschool career. I had plenty of friends, both male and female, but my weight had blossomed up to around two hundred pounds by the time I reached senior year.
After highschool I decided it was time to embrace the fact that I had been born a woman. I never went on a diet, but I started doing an old school workout of Jane Fonda’s a few times a week. It was on VHS. My mother had bought it in the early eighties. In it Jane Fonda wears this purple striped leotard, and everybody working out is all geeked, and there is loud cheesy music playing, and they all seem so damn HAPPY. Ah, I will always reserve a special corner of my heart for dear old Jane. Her perkiness was just the thing to get my fat ass moving. I dropped over forty pounds, and was happier than I ever had been in my whole life.
Getting rid of my old wardrobe was thrilling. I spent entire paychecks at fashion bug, and managed to overhaul my entire image like a pro. It was like being on one of those makeover shows, only somehow I trusted my instincts and had done everything by myself.
I stayed in shape and at the same weight for about four years, but unfortunately I didn’t deal with a lot of the emotions behind my compulsive eating and tendencies to binge. I retained a lot of my “fat girl” thinking habits even when I was at my healthiest. When I hit some difficult years I gained back fifty pounds of old pain. Emotions came up that I wanted to flee from, so I fattened myself up like a prize winning heifer at the state fair. In a way this has been a blessing in disguise because it is giving me an opportunity to resolve these issues as an adult. When I was a girl about to turn 18 I didn’t know myself very well, and I sure as hell didn’t have an accurate vision of how my parents had affected my development. I just snapped out of my trance one morning and thought that I might like to try appreciating my body and my feminine side. I glossed over and tried to forget about my rocky childhood, because I wanted to live a little. I wanted a break and a healthy introduction to life.
Well, now I’ve decided that it is time to deal with the unpleasantries I swept under the rug. I’m kicking up the dust, enjoying the small things, and trying to lose some weight in the process. I’d like to lose 50-75 pounds, and I decided to join this site in case I need extra support.


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