bits of string and sealing wax

my quest to achieve a balanced life

no teddy bears at this picnic August 28, 2010

Filed under: Life, The Universe, And Everything — didibuttonsley @ 2:02 am

I took a dose of “time release” melatonin that ought to keep me snoozing happily all night long; the stuff works so darn good that I am awake and writing a new blog entry.  I slept for about two hours, and have now been awake for an hour and a half.  Normally I try to stave off the boredom with books and crafting projects, but I still don’t have my room set up yet.  My books are out in the car, and my crafting stuff is back in Wisconsin.  I would have set up my room by now, but my uncle’s brother is visiting and has been camping out in the room that I will be using.  Le sigh.

Counting sheep doesn’t really work. I end up worrying about all these sheep running around, and who is going to be the one to take care of them?

I have tried tons of things to trick my insomnia into going away, but my success has been limited. Sometimes a new “insomnia cure trick” will work for about a month, but then it stops working and becomes useless. Here are some things that have followed this pattern: listening to sleep cd’s, aligning my bed north and south, taking valerian, taking melatonin, drinking chamomile tea before bed, doing Sudoku puzzles, playing a boring game on my phone, spraying lavender oil on my sheets, powdering my bed with lavender baby powder, making sure my feet don’t face a doorway, doing squared breathing, repeating affirmations in my head, setting up a sort of prayer routine, white noise, eliminating caffeine from diet, etc.

My insomnia dates back to when I was born. No, really. As far back as my memory goes I have had issues sleeping. Sometimes I surmise that there are tiny demons in my brain that poke the insides of my head to keep me awake at night. It’s like a teddy bear picnic. Only replace the teddy bears with demons, and instead of being beneath the trees they are beneath my skull. I know. It’s far creepier and way less mirthful, but still manages to be sorta cute in a disturbed way. They must climb in through my ears toting bag lunches and hackey sacks, and then they stay ‘til morning having sing-alongs.

Another cause could be brain chiggers. If there is something going on in your life that you cannot explain it becomes an issue of brain chiggers. Those little bastards cause headaches, brownie cravings, foul moods, forgetfulness, and all manner of other mildly irritating things. Beware the elusive brain chigger. Beware!

I like to think about other possible explanations for my insomnia that do not involve demons or brain chiggers. Perhaps I am too controlling and am afraid that if I fall asleep the world may stop spinning. I could be apprehensive about the monsters that are going to get me just as soon as I nod off. The best rationalization is that it is a result of attachment disorder. My relationship with mum was wonky from the start which could explain why I have had sleeping issues since I was a wee lass.

I just wish I could fall asleep right away whenever I so desired. I used to have a roommate that could literally fall asleep immediately. She would say something like, “I’m going to take a nap for sixteen minutes,” and then she’d be out for exactly sixteen minutes. It was bloody amazing. I have hope that I can learn this skill myself, because clearly it would be a useful technique to master. For a person who intends to have a career involving very long and unpredictable hours napping and being able to sleep is sort of a must. If anybody knows any cures for brain demons/ chiggers, please let me know.

The whole gang is meeting tonight in Deonn’s brain from eleven p.m. to sun-up.  Don’t forget to bring the egg salad!


grumble grumble grumble August 26, 2010

Filed under: Life, The Universe, And Everything — didibuttonsley @ 1:13 pm

I feel like a slug today. In that context the word slug means “lazy lump of non-mobile goo.” I am not trying to offend any slug lovers out there as I am quite fond of slugs myself. I also realize that slugs are mobile and not made of goo. I guess I have dreadfully and inappropriately misused the word. Forgive me, oh most noble sluggies. It’s just one of those days.

I am feeling all wonky because for the last two nights in a row I have had horrible insomnia; being stuck in bed awake until eight o’clock in the morning does not promote an active day. Tonight I will throw in the towel and take a big dose of melatonin. I’m not crazy about taking that stuff, or any other stuffs for that matter, because those things kinda make me feel a little puffy around the edges the next day. I’ll take puffy around the edges over how I feel right now though. I feel crummy, grumpy, and not at all motivated to do a dang thing.

When I am grumpy I exude unpleasantness to a degree that is both lugubrious and comical. Say goodbye to the cheerful optimist and hello to the emo kid. Yikes. Maybe I should mope around in all black and write some poetry about the cruel realities of the world. After that I can whine about my parents preferably with somebody who lives in their mother’s basement. Are you sensing the despair here? It’s rough I tells ya.

Tomorrow I will be back to my cheerful self. I will go to the gym and put away the emo bitch. But today I’m going to slink around and be a jerk.

Send me some happy thoughts!


buckets of rain August 24, 2010

Filed under: Life, The Universe, And Everything — didibuttonsley @ 8:00 pm

I drove to and from Gainesville in monsoon conditions today so that I could register for my classes.  Hurricane conditions can not stop me from becoming a midwife.  Yeah, the rain can come down like cow piss, and I’ll still be making my way along i 75 north.  Hear that, gods and imps of the weather?  You got nothing on this kid.  I’m one tough bitch from the dairy state.  It’ll take a hell of a lot more than a few buckets of water to take on these milk-fed thighs.

I really am ultra stoked about going to school here. I feel so honored that I was accepted into the program. Everything is falling into place, and here I am in the right spot at the right time. It’s a marvelous thing to feel all the tiny aspects of your life begin to click into place. All of the confusion, hard times, and the pain suddenly seem to have served an important purpose, as if it were all just a step along the way to achieving a balanced and fulfilling life. I can feel this tension in my chest slowly easing, and the ragged edges of my heart tingle with healing and new growth. And this is it. More subtle than I expected, but also more real, this is the first day of the rest of my life. Somehow I trust life and the universe to hold me up and sustain me, and I am taking comfort in the knowledge that there is enough love in the world to support all of our dreams. That’s right. Believe it because it is true. You are beautiful, you are loved, and it’s all going to turn out ok.

And now, the moment you have all been waiting for. THE NEXT FOUR DAY WIN! I know it, I know it, I have kept you lovely folks in suspense and you are literally chomping at the bit. Well relax and take that bit out of your mouth, because the neighbors might think your cheese has slid off the cracker if you wander around chomping on things like some kinda horse. Just sayin’.

And speaking of horses, right before this four day win exercise appears in the book there is a lovely story about a friend of Martha Beck’s training an “untrainable” horse. So once again I must advise you to pick up a copy of “The Four Day Win.” Do it for me. Do it for the children. Do it to ensure a more slender future.

The 10-Minute Vacation From Predation

Ok, in a nutshell we develop tendencies to overeat as a means of coping with stress. Overeating is a self-calming behavior that is triggered by some kind of resistance that we find disagreeable . It’s like a horrendous cycle if you are a yo-yo dieter. You attempt to resist your body’s appetites and then your body responds by resisting your attempts to control it (binge eating). The cycle of dieting and overeating turns our bodies into frightened animals. Biologically our bodies are going to balk, because we are designed to maintain our weight, not lose it. We have to teach our bodies to cooperated with us and trust us. We have to feel safe. Once a day for four consecutive days (the original four day win instructions are in my “Plodding Towards Success” blog) follow these instructions:

1. Find a safe place where you can be uninterrupted for at least ten minutes:

Choose a time when you ARE NOT HUNGRY. Doing this on a full stomach is best. Be someplace comfortable in whatever position you choose. If you want to do this walking or exercising, that is ok too, but if you wish to move pick an activity that doesn’t require thought. A spot where nobody can see you is ideal. You should be in a place where there is no visible food, ideally where nobody eats. Don’t try this at a buffet. You can experiment until you find a spot where you feel the most secure.

2. Stop attacking your body, and start supporting it:

If you beat up on yourself when you are out of control you will be more of a mess than you were to begin with. Drop your negative behavior towards yourself. Be supportive and not aggressive. You may feel silly doing this, but fake it until you make it. Breathe deeply and as evenly as you can. On every out-breath, tell yourself a positive mantra (aloud or silently) like one of these (or make up your own) Everything is ok, I don’t have to do one single thing for the next ten minutes, I can handle this moment and I don’t have to handle anything else, My body has suffered a lot and deserves understanding not cruelty, How much I eat or weigh matters much less than being kind to myself, It’s all right to rest, I love and approve of myself in this moment, etc.

3. Wait for signs that your body is ready to “join up” with you:

Keep repeating these thoughts and eventually your body will respond. There will be physical cues of the “relaxation response” that you can look for: Deep and regular easy breathing, An opening in your airway, Muscle relaxation in your shoulders, neck and torso, Brief spells of laughing or crying, Sleepiness, A sense of emotional quiet and peace, Sometimes the taste in your mouth can become sweeter due to the easing up of stress hormones.

Learning this skill will be its own reward, so try it out for ten minutes at least once a day over the next four days. It is suggested that this four day win be repeated until you can create a relaxation response reliably and confidently.  Good luck with this one, and I hope it helps out.

I can tell you that is sure is shaking things up in my universe.  My efforts to trust my own body are really starting to cause a noticeable shift in my diet.  (I want you to know something- I am not now, nor will I ever again be, on a diet.  I decided to give all up that up, and the benefits are rapidly increasing)  Today for example I had a protein bar for breakfast, dried fruit and nuts for a snack, a salad and nectarine for lunch, and some romaine leaf veggie wraps for dinner.  I was not holding myself to any calorie limitations or food plans.  That stuff was legitimately what I felt like eating today.  For fucking realsies.  Because I have been permitting myself to literally eat whatever I feel like eating, I seem to be craving healthier fare lately.  (When I first starting eating whatever I wanted I gravitated towards hot pockets and original chicken sandwiches from Burger King)  Right now I happen to be eating a couple of chocolate fingers that my cousin brought home from Ireland, and I don’t feel the least bit guilty about it.  Things are starting to turn around.


i have arrived! August 23, 2010

Filed under: Life, The Universe, And Everything — didibuttonsley @ 6:00 pm

Greetings from Florida! I arrived at approximately four in the morning (I was very tempted to type mourning instead of morning, because that’s about how I was feeling after spending roughly two days driving) and I haven’t unpacked a dang thing yet. I removed myself and my laptop from my electric blue Honda Civic, and left everything else out there to smolder in the heat. Whether they like it or not, my belongings are being forced to acclimate to a new climate. Perhaps I may be inspired to go and collect a few things a little later in the evening. Lucky for me there are some pretty ominous and low hanging storm clouds a-brewing out there. That means if I putz around long enough I’ll have a good excuse as to why I can’t unload anything yet. Come on tumultuous downpour!!!

Though unpacking isn’t in the cards just yet, I have managed to complete my first four day win from Martha Beck’s anti-harsh-dieting book. While at my mother’s house I dragged out her exercise bike and put it to use on day three, and on day four I went on a long walk with my dog. I have to tell you that the whole concept of having a small goal to achieve for a four day period is really quite brilliant, and is helping me out a ton. Knowing that there would be a little prize afterwards really did make me want to get up and be active.

Since I’ve been unable to continue reading “The Four Day Win” I can’t post the next win for you folks just yet, but hopefully I’ll find (make) time on Tuesday or Wednesday. For the time being I plan on restarting my original four day win, because I have noticed a dramatic increase in my daily amount of physical activity. Something is working!!! The funny thing is that making a ridiculously easy goal has caused me to go above and beyond what I would normally do. My goal was to either go to the gym, walk the dog, do yoga, or do pilates (or another form of exercise) for thirty minutes a day. Because this was such a pared down version of my original goal it seemed less intimidating and more attainable. Perhaps this allowed me to relax a little and enjoy my workouts more. Whatever the case is, I spent considerably longer than half an hour a day working out, and I was enjoying myself more. I really recommend trying out your own “four day win” to see if it will help. If you read my “plodding towards success…” blog all the information you need to get started is there.

I’m very pleased to tell you that the house I moved into has a pool (and a hot tub- SWEET!), and I am definitely going to start swimming. I figure the best time for that will be right after a visit to the gym. What is more tantalizing than a refreshing dip in the pool after a long and sweaty work out? A half gallon of ice cream… Joking, of course.

I am also down five pounds from my starting weight, so everybody wave pom poms around and throw handfuls of confetti at me. Just don’t get any in my eyes, please. School starts next week, and I’ve never heard of any blind midwives.


It’s A Long Climb To Hades August 19, 2010

Filed under: Life, The Universe, And Everything — didibuttonsley @ 8:34 pm

I’m taking a break from packing up the car, but not too long of a break, because I’ve put it off long enough. I can’t believe how much time I’ve been spending at the gym this week, and it’s all because I’d rather be sweating on the equipment than sorting through the mounds of shit (er… I mean, goodstuff) that are piled from one end of my house to the other. If I only had a large quantity of kerosene I just might take a box of matches and… Kidding. I wouldn’t really burn my house down just to avoid organizing the rest of my junk. I may be epically lazy as I battle off the wombat sized dust creatures that spring out from under my couch with one hand while I am reclining on said couch with a gin and tonic in the other hand, but I don’t think I’d go so far as to set the whole place ablaze. For one thing, I do have a lot of really neat stuff. Also my cousin is going to be living in my Wisconsin house while I’m in Florida for school, and I’m willing to bet that he doesn’t want to reside in a burned out shell of a house. But maybe he wouldn’t mind. He could pretend to be existing in some post apocalyptic city for the next three years, and perhaps create his own thunderdome where once the living room stood. Hmmmm. These are a lot of good ideas that I am having.

I used some new equipment at the gym today. They just got this new machine that is essentially a tiny little escalator that allows you to walk up steps indefinitely. There are other step-type machines there, but none of them come close to being as visually satisfying as this new thingy. It’s just steps. Forever. They literally never fucking end. Yesterday I wanted to try it, but there was a woman on it for an unbelievable amount of time. I’d guess between half an hour and forty minutes. That seemed like a long time to me because it just looked difficult to keep climbing and climbing like that. I was behind her and to the left on an elliptical, and I couldn’t stop watching those stairs as they slid out of the top of the machine, and then back into the bottom. It was sooooo hypnotic. I bet anybody there who noticed me staring thought that I was checking out that woman’s butt. Oh well.

So today I got on that sucker, and boy, it ain’t no joke. I only lasted for four minutes. After four grueling minutes of huffing my way up the never ending staircase I realized that I had to either stop or face an untimely death. I swear it felt like I was climbing to hell, and that perhaps the Christians had gotten things reversed somewhere along the line. Zeppelin, there will be NO stairway to heaven, I assure you. If there is I’m taking the bloody elevator. I was shocked at how big of a pussy I turned out to be as I slunk back over to my favored elliptical. I love the ellipticals because they have so many different programs to choose from, and I feel like I’m getting an awesome workout, but I never worry that my heart is just going to say “to heck with this” and explode in my chest. The stair-stepper-o-matic has me seriously whipped, guys.

I feel so humiliated that I am praying that one of the Anytime Fitness locations near me in Florida has one of them. I can honestly say that if they do have one I will use it every day until I can hold my head up again. A young thing like me ought to be able to manage for at least a quarter of an hour on that beast. Oh, and that lady sprinting for half an hour (plus) up the never ending stairway to Hades, she couldn’t have even been a human. I’m pretty sure she’s one of those halfsies that are a result of a god or goddess banging a human. If I weren’t leaving tomorrow I’d go back and get her autograph and pin it next to a pair of skinny jeans. It would be a great motivator. You want to wear these, Didi? Well then you gonna have to climb stairs like a demigod.

Hello, Deonn, I heard that you met my daughter yesterday at the gym.

Well, tomorrow I’m leaving as soon as possible, so I may not be online for a day or two. Then again I will be staying overnight at my Mum’s house in Tennessee, so I might post an entry if I’m not too exhausted. Since tomorrow will be day three of my four day win, I’ll either have to go to the gym before I leave or make sure to walk my dog once I get to my mother’s house. I suppose I could walk my dog instead of go to the gym. So many options… so little brain to help me choose one.


t rex is getting a facial

Filed under: Life, The Universe, And Everything — didibuttonsley @ 12:27 am

Day One of My First Four Day Win went swimmingly. I went to the gym and straightened out the issue with my plastic swipey thing (I know there is some fancy and technical name for the little sucker, but I just can’t think of it) and then I went to town on the equipment. I spent a couple hours there, but for half of it I was on the elliptical. Last time I was there I utterly destroyed my arms, so I tried to back off a little this go around. When I say destroyed I really mean destroyed. They were so friggin sore I couldn’t push in a chair or lift my purse up properly. It also hurt to extend them all the way, so I was forced to wander around with my arms bent into a sort of T-Rex position. The gym has turned me into an extinct dinosaur from the late cretaceous period. Thanks a lot, Anytime Fitness, I’ve always suspected that I was a cold blooded creature anyhow. Tee hee hee.

i need extra protein because i work out all the time. grrrrrrrr

I normally never overdo it like that, but I really didn’t want to leave the gym that day and I kept zoning out. Sometimes zoning out isn’t the greatest thing to do. Like when you are doing arm reps and suddenly can’t lift your arms anymore. Oops. Personally I think it was good for me to be that sore at least once in my life, because now anything less will seem like a cake walk. Or a cake nap. I like the sound of that a whole lot better. Who wants to walk around eating cake? Much better to wake up from a nap only to find that there is some cake sitting right by you… just sayin’.

To reward myself for completing the first day I am giving myself a full facial. I am currently on step three of this process which means that there is green mud slathered all over my face. Why do I love coating my face with things so much? Mash up some fruit and yogurt and plop it on my cheeks and I’m a happy camper. Well, happy, anyhow. I’ve never done fruit and yogurt facials while camping because I don’t want the bears to be after me. Kidding. I’ve camped all over and I’ve never seen a bear in the wild. I could run through the woods naked and covered in yogurt facial and I would have utterly no concern of a bear attack. I think I’ve gotten off subject.

I packed up my toiletries today, and a few bags of books. I am determined to leave for Florida on the twentieth, so I’ll have to get everything stowed away into my car tomorrow. Honestly, I’d have had this stuff done already, but I’ve been putting it off because I’m not looking forward to spending two days in the car. I love to drive, but I prefer trips that are seven hours or less. I’ve already done so much driving this summer that the very thought of this last car trip is killing me. Le sigh. I sort of wish that fairies would whisk my car (along with all the shit that I’ve accumulated during my 27 year run on Earth) down to Florida so that I could take a plane. A train would also be acceptable. I am fond of trains.


plodding towards success with a four day win August 17, 2010

Filed under: Life, The Universe, And Everything — didibuttonsley @ 8:03 pm

Well holy hand grenade, Batman, my plans for the day were foiled by the universe!
I was reading “The Four Day Win” by Martha Beck, and figured it was about time to start putting some of the concepts into action. The first exercise is called “Creating A 4-Day Win.” Perhaps we should go through it together, and then you can try it out for yourself. Reader participation is not required, but strongly recommended. After all, the buddy system isn’t just a tool for gangsters and crime syndicates.
Step One: PICK A GOAL. What I want you to do is think of something that you really want to do. Deep down all of us probably think that our lives could be a jillion times better if only we would just do (insert amazing feats here) as often as possible. If it’s your health and weight you would like to improve you may cook up some things like: exercise every day, no eating after ten p.m., eat five half cup servings of vegetables a day, etc. Martha Beck reminds you to make this goal QUANTIFIABLE. So instead of saying “I should eat my vegetables” or “I gotta get my fat ass working out more” say “I should eat five servings of vegetables a day” or “I gotta get my fat ass working out seven days a week.”
Want to know my goal? Of course you do, or I bet you would have stopped reading by now.
My goal: Go to the gym four days out of the week, walk my dog (for at least an hour) four days out of the week, do yoga three times a week, devote three sessions a week to pilates, and spend three or four nights doing belly dancing every week. Whew. That was actually the goal I wrote down in the book. You should write your goal down too. Hopefully you didn’t have to waste as much ink as I did.
Here is the funny part. We are supposed to look at our goals and laugh, and notice that they aren’t terribly useful as goals. If the goal we made had been a good one, we’d be out there getting it done. According to “The Four Day Win” if the goal worked we would have made it a habit already. Are you totally shocked that I’m not doing all that shit that I listed up there? I’m not shocked. I’m kind of giggling.
Step Two: Play Halvesies Until Your Goal Is Ridiculously Easy To Attain
Examine your goal and then cut the effort in half. Martha Beck says that we aren’t going to get a damn thing done until the rapture (my words, not hers) unless we take what she refers to as “turtle steps.” If we work at a slow pace we give ourselves the space to integrate new routines into our lifestyle. We can’t expect to go from being tv watching slugs one weekend (I actually don’t watch television, but you get the idea) to climbing Mount Annapurna the next weekend. After you have chopped your goal in half, pare it down another fifty percent or at least reduce it until you are ABSOLUTELY POSITIVE that you can achieve your goal. Now write this down!  (your goal. not mine! what good will writing my goal do for you?)
My Ridiculously Easy Goal: Tomorrow I will do one of the following things for at least half an hour: walk my dog, go to the gym, bellydance, do yoga, or do pilates. This goal is so oh-so-attainable now that it is making me happy to think about it.
Step Three: Identify A Daily Reward
You must think of a reward that you will give yourself TODAY for achieving your ridiculously easy goal, and you must give yourself this award without question as soon as your goal is taken care of. This reward should be a pleasurable activity or a physical object. Buy yourself a session at a tanning salon. Give yourself a facial. Go out and get that hooker red lipstick and wear it for no reason what so ever. Purchase the slightly more expensive lotion that you have always wanted to try. You can also reward yourself with activities that you like to do. Watch your favorite tv show or rent a movie. Take a long, hot bubble bath. Spend some time scrapbooking. Whatever you wish to indulge in, go for it, but keep it simple and make it something small.
My Daily reward: pick one of the following- give myself a facial, go tanning, do a hair treatment, take a bubble bath
Step Four: Identify A Four Day Reward
Ok, now think of a slightly larger reward that you will give yourself after you have managed to complete your ridiculously easy goal for four CONSECUTIVE days in a row. See a movie with the girls. Hire a babysitter and go out for the evening. Get a manicure. Buy yourself a new pair of sandals. Go play some miniature golf. Whatever you choose is up to you, but make sure that you give it to yourself when you complete four consecutive days of achieving your goal.
Remember- if you don’t meet your goals, you don’t get the reward. If you are having trouble you may want to increase the reward or decrease your goal until you finally get motivated and get things going. It will help if you post your goal, your small daily reward, and the slightly larger reward on a piece of paper in a few different places, and then check off each day for the next four days. Try posting it on your bathroom mirror, the fridge, the dashboard of your car, your workspace, the door of your house, etc.
I intended to start my first four day win today. I had my gym bag packed, my ipod charged, my super sweet tanning lotion tucked away, and I was ready to rock the house down by knocking off the first day of my ridiculously easy goal plan. And then the place where I purchased my tanning package was closed early. No problem, no problem, I’ll just give myself a facial as a reward instead of going tanning. I got to the gym and FOR THE FIRST TIME EVER my little plastic keychain thing that gets swiped to open the door didn’t work. What in the name of kool-aid is going on here? I have to laugh at how funny things are sometimes.
Good thing nothing worked out though, because it gave me the idea of posting all of this nonsense in the hopes that perhaps some others might be interested in following along. This Martha Beck book is so promising and funny, that I’m going to follow all of her four day win exercises. I’ll continue posting them in this blog in case anybody wants to try them out. Supposedly they are designed to retrain the brain so that “You’ll end up with a whole new way of thinking, and that is what will ultimately make you into a healthier, more relaxed, and skinnier being.” I definitely recommend reading the book, because I won’t be able to copy the whole thing down in here, but while you are waiting for lovely to ship you a copy you could follow the first few exercises in here.
Have I mentioned how much I adore Well, I do.


crafting my way to a new life August 16, 2010

Filed under: Life, The Universe, And Everything — didibuttonsley @ 5:43 pm

Perhaps it was a bad judgment call when I decided to sign up for an account on Web MD. Lisa Delaney suggested joining one of the diet groups for extra support, but I’m not sure that it is going to be a good fit for me. Sure, I want to lose this extra flub, but I’ve rather gone off the whole concept of dieting. Going on diets caused me to gain weight. I have no intention to ever count calories or exclude foods or keep a journal of what I am eating every day. Activities like that put the “die” in diet, and I’m going to run screaming from that kind of a lifestyle from now on.

So far the comments that I receive on my posts indicate that the weight and food obsessed women on Web MD don’t really get my sense of humor. But they do seem sincere and have tried to offer honest advice. I can appreciate that even if it wasn’t exactly what I was looking for. I guess what I was looking for I kind of found with the Our Lady of Weight Loss site. The “Kick in the Tush” Club is just the sort of cheerful information and gentle support that I need. And it helps that she has a sense of humor.

There shall be no more fear of food. I am embracing the ravenous she beast inside of me so that I can grow up and move on.

And speaking of moving on, I still haven’t finished packing up my things. It is a good thing that I wasn’t selling the house before I moved to Florida, because I can’t imagine how long it would take me to get a whole house moved. I can’t seem to manage one carload. There is a sea of books on the floor of my room, and bags of clothing, and the closet is still half full and hasn’t been sorted out. My plan at the moment is to get up early tomorrow and finish up this long and drawn out project. I’ve been dragging my feet so much that my legs are going to be bloody stumps by the time the school semester starts.

Here it is, time for me to be heading down to Florida, and all I feel like doing is watching Harry Potter movies and making “thinspirational” art projects spurred on by Janice Taylor’s awesomeness. I admired the piggy bank that she made in her book “Our Lady of Weight Loss” so I revamped my old bear bank. Bear now looks as though he travels with a gypsy caravan, and he’s so darn cute I’ve been stuffing him with all my singles and even some fives. I decided that he will be the holder of lose bills and rest on my altar as a sort of promise to myself to achieve prosperity and abundance. He’ll soon only be accepting bills, so I needed a separate receptacle for change, and that gave me an excuse to further put off packing and keep on crafting. I used a glass milk jug, fabric, strings of beads and a whole bunch of brightly colored buttons, and I now have a change jug that looks kind of like a genie might pop out of the top.

I’ve made it through five Harry Potter movies and haven’t gotten any closer to The Sunshine State. I feel kind of like I’m in a sunshine state already though, so I guess it’s ok.

Click to Mix and Solve


confessions of a binger

Filed under: Life, The Universe, And Everything — didibuttonsley @ 3:51 pm

Yesterday I drank too much rum with a gal pal, and as a result was nursing one hell of a hangover today. Ever notice how a hangover puts sensible eating in the back seat? Healthy food choices are bound and gagged and tossed in the trunk, and Chinese take-out can come up here and sit by me. The fried dumplings are riding shotgun today, salad and sprouts, sorry. If you aren’t the kind of a person who over indulges in alcohol you are lucky, and you can take my word on this.

I am moving to Florida in a day or two, so I figured a late night with some friends and a couple bottles of rum wouldn’t be too bad of an idea. And it really wasn’t too bad of an idea until I had to wake up today with a crippling headache and a queasy stomach. Thank god that I am always freakishly cheerful when I am hungover or today would have been ghastly.

It is a good thing that I am moving to Florida to go to school. You see, I am from Wisconsin. I love the Midwest with every fiber of my being, but I believe it is currently detrimental to my health. Wisconsin is my heart, and my heart is dripping with cheese and New Glarus beer. Can I rationally blame my weight problems on the state that I live in? Meh, why not…

I will be living in Florida for three years while attending a midwifery college. Three years is long enough for me to wash the Wisconsin out of my hair. I plan on spending as much time as possible sprawled on a beach and getting a really mean tan. The house I’ll be living in has a pool, and I already have a membership at Anytime Fitness which has two new locations within a couple of miles of home. Can you say “one way ticket to Svelteville” five times fast?

I have no desire to be a skinny girl, but I am on a quest to fit into all my old size 12 clothing. I was smoking hot as a size 12, but I was too young and too big of a twit to realize it. I know of some attractive skinny girls, but I still think I have a better butt and nicer hips. I think I’d like to be a size ten, but I don’t know how feasible that is. I come from the dairy state, after all. Cheese and I have a close personal relationship, and I have a weakness for finely brewed porter’s and I.P.A’s. But don’t get me wrong, I also love vegetables… just dip them in some batter and fry ‘em up real nice… (I joke)

I guess admitting to getting all drinky and eating Chinese food might not be the best way to start things off on this site, but I gotta keep it honest. At least I didn’t eat til I was stuffed. And I fed the extra dumpling and half of my eggroll to my dog. Baby steps, baby steps, baby steps. I feel thinner already.


this is how it happened

Filed under: Life, The Universe, And Everything — didibuttonsley @ 3:50 pm

I developed the mentality of a fatty somewheres around first grade. My mother had struggled with weight during her childhood, and she sure was a competitive and jealous critter, so I think she sort of encouraged horrid eating habits. She wouldn’t have been able to tolerate a pretty, well adjusted daughter, so I modified myself accordingly. A mother’s love is like crack to a six year old girl, and I was no exception. But unlike crack, Mom’s love couldn’t keep my weight down. It sent me across the alley and over to zaftig town.
In spite of the fact that I was an exceptionally gifted child, I was either heavily criticized or just plain ignored. I packed on pounds here and there to act as a buffer that would shield me from the harsh judgments my wee little universe presented. I became awkward, very chubby, and reluctant to join the real world.
Nobody bothered teaching me how to be a young woman, so by the time I hit junior high I loathed being female. My mom was such a self-centered-muffin-brain that she didn’t even bother mentioning the simplest things- like when it was an opportune time to start wearing bras. I remember how ridiculously inept I felt when my best friend pulled me aside and told me that it was in my best interest to start investing in some bras. It’s time to reign those suckers in, girl! My clothing issues didn’t stop there. Without any guidance as to how to dress my curves appropriately, I was a hot mess. I dressed in baggy men’s pants, sweaters, and button down shirts throughout most of my junior high and highschool career. I had plenty of friends, both male and female, but my weight had blossomed up to around two hundred pounds by the time I reached senior year.
After highschool I decided it was time to embrace the fact that I had been born a woman. I never went on a diet, but I started doing an old school workout of Jane Fonda’s a few times a week. It was on VHS. My mother had bought it in the early eighties. In it Jane Fonda wears this purple striped leotard, and everybody working out is all geeked, and there is loud cheesy music playing, and they all seem so damn HAPPY. Ah, I will always reserve a special corner of my heart for dear old Jane. Her perkiness was just the thing to get my fat ass moving. I dropped over forty pounds, and was happier than I ever had been in my whole life.
Getting rid of my old wardrobe was thrilling. I spent entire paychecks at fashion bug, and managed to overhaul my entire image like a pro. It was like being on one of those makeover shows, only somehow I trusted my instincts and had done everything by myself.
I stayed in shape and at the same weight for about four years, but unfortunately I didn’t deal with a lot of the emotions behind my compulsive eating and tendencies to binge. I retained a lot of my “fat girl” thinking habits even when I was at my healthiest. When I hit some difficult years I gained back fifty pounds of old pain. Emotions came up that I wanted to flee from, so I fattened myself up like a prize winning heifer at the state fair. In a way this has been a blessing in disguise because it is giving me an opportunity to resolve these issues as an adult. When I was a girl about to turn 18 I didn’t know myself very well, and I sure as hell didn’t have an accurate vision of how my parents had affected my development. I just snapped out of my trance one morning and thought that I might like to try appreciating my body and my feminine side. I glossed over and tried to forget about my rocky childhood, because I wanted to live a little. I wanted a break and a healthy introduction to life.
Well, now I’ve decided that it is time to deal with the unpleasantries I swept under the rug. I’m kicking up the dust, enjoying the small things, and trying to lose some weight in the process. I’d like to lose 50-75 pounds, and I decided to join this site in case I need extra support.