First things first…I’ve been kinda on and off. I’m still trying to make healthier choices than I was. Still eating tons of veggies and limiting carbs for the most part, but I had a huge binge earlier this week and am just not really being militant about it right now. Hence not being around…I don’t like chronicling my lack of motivation.

Which brings me to the actual topic of this post – motivation. This whine is actually completely separate from weight issues. This is about motivation in general.

I’ve always wondered how people do it. How do you find something you’re passionate about, or determined to do, and maintain that passion? How does a person find it in themselves to actually succeed?

My whole life has gone like this: find something to get crazy passionate about, spend a month or two…or maybe a week or two…obsessing about it. Realize that I’m not perfect, or that I’ll never be great, or just that it’s hard work. Motivation fades, leaving me frustrated and disappointed in myself. Find new obsession. Rinse and repeat until you hate yourself.

I never went to college. I want to do everything, but I can’t make a damn decision. I’m terrified that I’ll fail and waste my money. I can’t find anything that I want to do enough to make it my career either. So I drift from job to job, whoever will have me, until I either hate the job and quit, or find something that might be a little better.

How does anyone love something enough to want to spend 8+ hours a day on it, 5 days a week, for many years to come?

I used to do photomanipulations. I used to do it every day, several hours a day…but I wasn’t amazing at it, and my love for it faded.

I started learning to digital paint. I wasn’t bad for a beginner. I made a few still life pieces I was actually very proud of. Then I switched from mouse to tablet, and for some reason, the process stopped making sense to me. Once again, I quit because I couldn’t be wonderful.

I think with me, it all stems from one thing: soccer.

I started playing soccer at 7 years old. I was an outstanding keeper. This is the one thing in my life I will not be modest or shy about: I was damn good. Coaches used to fight over who would get me on their team each year. I was invited to special tournaments several times. My nickname was ‘the brick wall’. At 11 I was invited to try out for the elite division in my region, the route you would have to go (outside of school teams) to have a shot at college teams and scholarships. Being a professional soccer player was the one thing I ever actually wanted. Like, so bad I could taste it.

One problem: I was *never* going to get there. It was guaranteed from birth that it was not going to happen. I have a congenital heart condition. My heart works at 2/3rds the rate of a normal heart. I will never have the same fitness level as a healthy person, thin or fat. No college, never mind professional, team would ever bother. I knew this deep down, but I kept working my hardest anyway. I thought, ‘well, at least I can go as far as possible, at least I can still do good, right? Who knows, I might make it anyway if I try hard enough’. Gotta love kids and their fantasies.

So the year I was invited to the elite tryouts…my heart started failing. I’d been in slow failure for months when I went to my tryout. I couldn’t run 1/4 of the field without needing to rest by this point. Obviously I didn’t make the team, and I was never invited again in subsequent years. I knew then for sure…I was never going to be great. I was always going to be weaker and less than others.

I eventually had the surgery I needed and when I healed I started playing soccer again. That and several other sports. But I knew nothing was ever going to come of it, and I was just so pissed about it. Still am. Sometimes I think it’s a good chunk of the reason I’ve stuffed myself with food all these years. But I don’t know.

Anyway, stupid little sob story aside…I’ve never been able to find a motivation like that again. I’ve never been truly driven like that. I feel so useless most of the time. I don’t know why I can’t just love something and *do it*. I don’t know why I try to do something and berate myself for not being perfect and give up because of it.

There are so many people out there who do amazing things with their lives. They have drive and passion and it doesn’t fade, and they accept their imperfections and still do what they love despite them. I don’t know how to be like that. I don’t know how to shut off that awful voice that says ‘you can’t do it. You can’t do anything right, just stop trying’.


Food/Exercise Aug. 17/12

Leftover rotisserie chicken, 100g strawberries
8g carb (6 net)

2 turkey burgers (why are burgers such a wonderful lunch? lol), salad with caesar dressing
10g carbs (8 net)

Really Dumb Snack
3 carb smart ice cream bars (not so ‘smart’ after all. Caused awful, horrible carb cravings I just barely got control of)
27g carbs (21 net)

Second Lunch?
300g spaghetti sauce w/cheddar cheese
19g carbs (16 net)

Salad (romaine, cucumber, celery) with boiled chicken, ranch dressing
11g carbs (8 net)

75 gross; 59 net

Just barely under my limit. Phew. Never buying those silly ice cream bars (or any processed low carb ‘snack’) again. I am rather proud of myself for resisting the KD when I was craving so hard though. It was really bloody hard, lol.

As for exercise, I’m very proud of myself today. I bowled this morning, and this evening took a 10-15 minute or so walk, cleaned for a good hour and a half, *and* did my yoga workout. Man am I TIRED. Hoping it helped to offset my poor choices food-wise, lol.

Official weekly weigh in early this morning: 293.4. Ugh, sooo annoyed at this. I cheated one day, went up 4 pounds, and couldn’t even lose it. My weight has been at 293.4 for three days now. I haven’t done any of my measurements yet (I’m going to change everything to Sunday, including weigh-in. Will do measurements then) so I have no idea if I’m just losing fat and retaining water or what. Can’t be building muscle, as I’ve not exactly been working out much.

This day wasn’t a total wash. I did my exercise and learned something about how I react to fake sugars (I’m assuming that’s what did it), and avoided temptation. I’ll take it.


Agh, I am never buying any ‘low carb’ processed snack AGAIN! I was a tiny bit peckish. Not even really hungry, just slightly snacky, and decided to have one of the low carb ice cream bars I bought yesterday.

One turned into three. Slightly snacky has now turned into “OMFGI’MSOHUNGRYFEEDMENOW”. No reason to be this hungry. I feel like I haven’t eaten all day. Craving carbs so freaking bad. Came *this close* to making mac and cheese.

Instead I grabbed something that’s still not great, but could be much worse – leftover spaghetti sauce I had in the freezer. It’s in the microwave now. I’m going to try to only have 300 grams (16g net carbs)

Seriously. Never again. I would have had fewer cravings eating a doughnut than those stupid ice cream bars. My stomach is killing I’m so hungry.

Off to pig out on sauce now.

Food Aug. 16/12

I’m counting net carbs from now on (fibre content), just because. But since I’m doing that, I’m lowering my limit to 60g net carbs per day, and I’ll see how that goes. I’ll lower more if needed.

5 slices bacon, 2 eggs, 53g blueberries
8g carbs (6 net)

2 turkey burgers with cheese, mustard, salad on side
9g carbs (7 net)

1/2 avocado, 2 slices pickled herring
9g carbs (3 net)

Rotisserie chicken. Mmmm, rotisserie chicken. According to the nutrition info on like 50 different sites, Kroger rotisserie chicken has zero carbs per 3 0z. serving. I’m assuming the whole chicken is about 10g carbs (yay for hidden carbs), but I can’t be sure.

Evil snack. 2 Breyers Carb Smart Ice Cream Bars
18g carbs (14 net)

Total: 40 net carbs, 54 gross

I’m counting net carbs from now on (fibre content), just because. But since I’m doing that, I’m lowering my limit to 60g net carbs per day, and I’ll see how that goes. I’ll lower more if needed.

Food/Exercise Aug 15/12

4 eggs, 1 sliced apple sprinkled with cinnamon
31g carbs

Salad (romaine, celery, cucumber, red pepper, carrot, tomato) with boiled chicken and 1/2 an avocado, caesar dressing
31g carbs

Pan fried pork chop, roasted summer squash and broccoli
14g carbs

76g carbs

I *finally* did my yoga again today. Why I waited so long I don’t know. I feel sooo much better after just sucking it up and doing it. It was so freaking hard though. I had to take I think 6 breaks to calm my heart rate down. I think I’m also going to start taking two 10 minute walks a day (easier on my back). It’s a start, and I am really at square one here. My fitness level is just nonexistent.

I also got a prescription at the doctor’s the other day for the same muscle relaxant I used for my shoulder problem. There are some days when my back hurts so much I can barely stand, and I’m really just sick of it. It makes it hard to work out, hard to clean my house, and can really impact my mood. So from now on, on those ‘kill me now’ kinda days, I will take the relaxants so I can function.

So yeah. Yay for finally getting some exercise!

Food Log Aug 14/12

50g blueberries, bacon, eggs
7g carbs

2 turkey burgers w/tomato, cheese, mustard, stir fried mushrooms and broccoli on side
15g carb

Sandwich with tomato, lettuce, cucumber, cheese, mayo, mustard
35g carb

Total: 57g carb. I had a snack earlier but I can’t remember what it was, so I’m assuming 60-62g carb total.

Food Log Aug 13/12

3 scrambled eggs, 50g blueberries
7g carbs

grilled cheese sandwich
21g carbs

2 turkey burgers w/mustard, mushrooms pan-fried with lemon
8g carbs

Some blueberries
5g carbs

Salad with boiled chicken, lotsa caesar dressing
20g carbs

61g carbs

Not bad, considering I had bread. I know I need to stop using it as a crutch when I’m super hungry, because the carb count itself is not the most important part. I know it causes a larger insulin spike and all that. But it is just so much easier sometimes when you’re in a hurry, lol.

Got Lazy About Tracking

I got lazy the last couple days about tracking my food. I had a big ol’ McDonald’s meal a couple days ago complete with ice cream (genius, I know, lol). I was back on the wagon yesterday, but wasn’t writing anything down. And had ham steak stir fried with veggies for dinner last night…the amount of salt was grotesque, I’m sure.

So I’m back up to 294 from 291, but it’s just water weight. It’ll come off quick enough.

I’m totally back on the wagon now, will be writing my stuff down again.


K, so had a friend over tonight for dinner. She desperately wanted sugar afterward and wanted to go for ice cream.

I thought it wouldn’t be too horrible, because the ice cream shop we were going to has a few no sugar added frozen yoghurts. Well, we got there and the only no sugar added ones they had today have nuts in them (I’m allergic). Silly me, I got some frozen yoghurt anyway. Not just regular frozen yoghurt either. I went all stupid in the head and had low fat frozen yoghurt, which I forgot actually has more sugar than regular.

And I didn’t get a kid’s size like I should have. I dunno where my head went exactly. But the smarts were just elsewhere tonight, lol.

Oh well. Tomorrow’s a new day. I really don’t expect to see any downward movement on the scale tomorrow because of this, but that’s okay.

As they say, it’s okay to not be perfect all the time. Just make better choices next time. I will.

Food Aug 10/12

3 scrambled eggs, cucumber slices
3g carbs

huge salad with chicken and avocado
30g carbs

2 turkey burgers with ketchup, boiled broccoli
20g carbs

53g carbs

Yeah, I really didn’t eat much. Was feeling too crappy to bother.