Long time no post

I wasn’t even sure if my username/password would still work b/c it has been a while since I have logged on.  I don’t even know where I was weight-wise when I quit blogging but things have been up and down since then.  I made my WW goal this summer (160) and maintained for a few months but then really started struggling.  I was hoping the accountability of weighing in every month at WW would make things easier but it just added to the stress.  So now I’m trying to go it on my own and just live a “normal” life.  How’s that going?  Not so hot.  This morning I weighed in at 183, a wee bit higher than the 160.So here I go again.  My realistic goal is somewhere in the 160s.  When I was 160 I was between a 6/8 and although I loved it I had to work too hard to keep it.  But the mid 160’s keep me in the size 8 range which is unbelievable to me.  At my heaviest I forced myself into a 24!  Right now I’m forcing myself into those 8’s but since I don’t have anything bigger it’s what I’m going to have to do.  I refuse to buy bigger clothes.I plan to be a much more regular blogger and hope to reconnect w/some old friends as well as make new ones.  My first goal is to be below 175 by Thanksgiving.

Girl crush

I think I have a crush on my trainer!!  Not really, but she inspires me like nobody else can and I want to work harder to make her happy.

There are 3-4 regulars at our boot camp.  One girl in particular is our instructor’s favorite.  She is super strong and really intense so I totally get why our instructor loves her but I get frustrated sometime b/c I think that she looks at me and thinks I’m wimpy and weak b/c I’m still overweight.  This week, though, was AWESOME!!  I ended up being the only person who showed up to boot camp and instead of cancelling class like she’s supposed to she trained me all by myself.  It was tough but I met every challenge.  After we did an entire lap of walking lunges (sucked!!) we went into the weight room and used the leg press machine.  She started me at 30 pounds and we ended up taking it all the way to 140.  I wasn’t surprised that I could go that high b/c I have been lifting for 20 years but I definitely know she was.  I even was able to do more than she could.  All she kept saying was “You’re strong…I mean, you’re REALLY strong!” 

I had to miss class today to get the kiddos ready for Halloween so I’m excited to go next Monday and see what she has to say.  Even if she doesn’t say anything I know she has a newfound respect for me and I’m going to use that as inspiration to work harder on making good food choices so I can continue to lose weight.

diet pills?

I had my annual exam today and my doctor complimented me on my weight loss.  I was kind of surprised b/c I have only lost about 5 pounds since last year and I’m still technically obese.  She asked if I wanted her to prescribe pills for me?  Has anyone used them?  It would be phentamine and she said she’d only have me on it for about 4 months.  I’m having a few issues right now w/dizziness and getting light-headed when I stand up so she’s referring me to an internist before we do anything but I want to gather as much information as possible before I go back.  I know years ago that phen-fen caused a lot of problems; my aunt actually has PPH from taking it so I know how serious it can be.  From what I have read this medication is safe and odds are it would be ok but I’m not sure if I’m wanting to risk that to lose weight a bit more quickly.

Sunday update

I made it through a Sunday w/o bingeing!!!  I know it shouldn’t seem like a big deal but I have been over-indulging in my free day for so long I really doubted I could stick to the healthy path.  And I’m surprised to say other than the couple of hours before bed it wasn’t that awful.  Actually making the decision to do it was more difficult than doing it.  Now the trick will be to stay on path all week and not make my lack of treats on Sunday backfire later this week.

Sunday change

Remember me?  Life got crazy for a while and I didn’t make the time to post.  Gee, I also haven’t lost any weight.  Coincidence???

For those of you who have been with me for a while you know that Sundays have been my “free” days.  I didn’t worry about dieting and even though I tended to eat healthy foods for most of the day it wouldn’t be out of the ordinary to eat 4 pieces of dessert just b/c I had to cram it in before Sunday ended.  I finally was willing to admit that this practice is part of the reason my weight is hovering around the 190 mark. 

So today I have decided that a “free day” isn’t “free”.  I can make healthy choices and I will.  It doesn’t mean I won’t have dessert but I will consciously choose to eat it instead of eating it b/c it’s there.  It’s scary b/c I have tried this before and not been successful but that doesn’t mean it’s not worth trying again.  I’ll let you know tomorrow how I did.

This is hard

I have been struggling since school has started but I’m proud to say I haven’t given up.  I was doing ok this week and then a major thunderstorm rolled through Tuesday night cutting my sleep short.  The next 2 days were spent eating things much higher in carbs/sugar than I normally do to bolster my energy.  I knew I was doing it but didn’t really care.  Today has been better, but not great, but I was able to stop myself from headed into a weekend-long slide so I’m pleased about that.  My weigh-in is Sunday morning which will help keep me focused tomorrow.  I’m nervous b/c we’re going out tomorrow night but I finally decided that if we just go to a movie (without going to dinner first) that I can stay on-plan and not have it negatively impact my stats on Sunday.

Next week I’m hoping to be back to normal.  I will be able to go to bootcamp which sets a good tone for the week.  I have figured out which weightlifting workouts I’m going to do for the week so now it’s just a matter of doing them.  I know that weight loss isn’t a constantly steady process but it’s so much more fun when I’m actually losing instead of working my ass off just to maintain.

Weight Loss for Wimps Day 3

Current weight:  190, BMI:  30.7, Ideal Weight:  124-155, pounds per month goal:  5

I need to change my daily routine by:  eliminating snacking after supper.  I will do this by brushing my teeth when I have finished eating for the night and adding in a short workout during this time if needed to keep myself busy.

Although this wasn’t a part of the journal, I will change my weekly routine by greatly structuring my cheat meal on Sunday.  It has turned into a free-for-all but I have been able to change it from an entire day eating frenzy to a 1/2 day.  I will spend this week planning how I will get through this Sunday w/o eating everything in front of me.  It will be a challenge b/c we are having friends over for football but I will do it.

Weight loss for wimps day 2

I’m a bit behind on my reading/posting with “Weight Loss for Wimps” but I’m back on track eating-wise so I’m ok w/that.

Today’s task is to identify why I want to be thin.  The book takes you through several steps to ultimately be able to put into words the “why” of the job.  As much as I would love it to be for health reasons or to set a positive example for my kids, ultimately I want to be thin b/c I want to be desireable to others.  I don’t want to attract anyone else to do anything about it, but I do enjoy people commenting on how much better I look, having men hold open doors for me at stores and flirting (innocently).  We are also starting to be able to go out a bit more and I do like having other men appreciate me in front of my hubby.  We have struggled in the past w/a lack of sexual mojo (I want it more than he does) and it feels good for him to be reminded that he’s lucky to have me (and I know I am lucky to have him).

So there it is, my completely vain reason.  But if I’m going to do this for real I have to be honest with myself instead of coming up w/more socially acceptable reasons.

The second part of today’s exercise is to describe my “Big Dream”.  I will look like the “after” version of someone on What Not to Wear.  I will look put together in an effortless way.  My husband and older son will also be at a healthy weight because I will have been able to convince then that it’s worth it to exercise and eat healthy.  Our younger son will maintain his current level of health and we will be engaging in a variety of outdoor, active activities that can be done in a wheelchair.  We will have figured out a way to do fun things together as a family and yet still save money.  People will look at us and smile.

Weight loss for wimps day 1

I bought a few books on motivation and weight loss and the first one I’m starting with is called “Weight Loss For Wimps”  It deals w/the mental aspects of dieting which is really where I need to improve.  Along with the book is a 7 day journaling process.  I downloaded it but it’s a PDF and since my handwriting is awful I figured it would be better to journal my answers here vs. printing the forms and writing on them.

For day 1, the task is to identify bad habits.  My bad habits include:

  • all or nothing thinking (I’m either on or off a diet, good or bad)
  • secret eating
  • telling myself I’m powerless in social situations to control my eating
  • avoiding social situations at times b/c of my worry of lack of control
  • eating when I’m not hungry

I know this isn’t a huge list but these issues are deep-seeded.

Here’s the hard part, I have to pick 2 bad habits to eliminate today.  I’m tempted to eliminate 2 that are a bit easier (which would those be???) but I’m going to pick the ones that will make the greatest difference.  Drumroll please……all or nothing thinking and secret eating. 

I am also supposed to identify a tipping point.  This is something I have really pondered b/c I have been obese/overweight for nearly my entire life so I’m kind of used to it.  There hasn’t been a health scare, I fit in roller coasters and I still feel attractive.  But I think the root of it all is that I don’t like the fact that food is in control of me.  I am successful in every other aspect of my life and I can and will be successful here.

Finally, I am to identify the negative emotions associated with the tipping point.  I feel weak when I eat something I know isn’t good for me.  I feel like a coward b/c I know my tendency is to not even try all that hard when there’s a chance that I might fail.  Most people wouldn’t think this about me b/c I am pretty good at things but I am selective at what I will try.  Taking more risks is something I am pushing myself to do.  I feel naive whenever I begin the process again, hoping that this time will be “the” time but mentally telling myself that I’ll cave at some point.  And I feel angry that I even have to struggle this much with this.  Even though my hubby is overweight as well he can leave a piece of cake in the fridge for days and not eat it.  If I know it’s there it’s consuming my every waking moment.

OK, off to bed.  I’ll be back tomorrow for day 2.

That’s gonna hurt

I am loving this after school boot camp although I hate it while I’m there.  In addition to all of the other crazy things we did tonight we did 50+ lunges on each leg with weights.  I HATE lunges but I love what they do for your legs.

My main obstacle w/food is time in the evening so if I keep myself busy it will help.  That’s part of the reason I’m posting on here again.  It also helps to plan my food the day before b/c once I cross off the final food entry I’m done for the day.  I know it will be tougher on some days than others but during the times I have been the most successful this is what has worked.

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