Facing my fears…

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I took a walk today…outside!!!

Ok for many people that wouldn’t be such a big deal lol. But for me it is huge! I have a feeling I am agoraphobic. I have panic attacks and leaving the house is terribly hard for me to do. It is easier with my DH but all by myself is insanely difficult.

So for the past week I kept saying I would wake up alittle early and take a short walk outside. I would give myself affirmations, and get myself all excited and wanting to do it. Yet everyday would come and I would chicken out. I would freeze up and make up some silly excuse why I couldn’t or shouldn’t today. Bleh.

Today I promised myself I would. I woke up a half a second before the alarm went off as usual. and then just layed in bed thinking. I got up and meditated for a little bit-thinking I have to do this. I started to scare myself again, feeding myself self doubt. No maybe you are taking on too much stuff at once-baby steps remember. Work on other stuff and then work on this later. But I knew deep down inside it was just an excuse. I have to stop being so afraid.

I don’t even know what I am afraid of. That people I don’t know, won’t ever talk to or probably ever even see again might look at me? eh??? Why is it all so scary? I love to walk, I love being outside. and this is stopping me from doing what I want to do.

So I just told myself I am doing it. No if ands or buts. Get your butt out of bed and do it! I moved slow, getting ready, taking my BS, eating a quick breakfast. My stomach was doing cartwheels, I felt dizzy and scared beyond believe. I was dressed and all ready to go and went into the kitchen to get my jacket and go.

It was raining! If it isn’t my own self-doubt trying to stop me is the universe throwing more stuff in my way to let me chicken out?? Hell no I said. Alittle rain won’t stop me. People walk in the rain all the time, it isn’t like it was a downpour with lightning. Alittle water wont kill me + I love the rain.

And still I stood in my kitchen staring out the window, all ready to go for atleast 10 mins. I didn’t move I just stood there. Frozen.

I don’t know how but I finally took a deep breath, put on my jacket and shoes and left.

I was in my own little world. I was feeling so proud of myself and yet scared just the same. I didn’t take a super long walk around a couple blocks maybe my ped said a mile. I stepped in a huge puddle and got my sock soaked lol. I was drenched but luckily even with the rain it wasn’t very cold out at all.

I walk too fast when I am out. The fear makes me just wanna run away I think lol. But I am just starting out and I really have to pace myself. I kept telling myself this isn’t a race, pace yourself.

I got home and my DH called me a weirdo for walking in the rain lol!

Will it be this hard next time? Probably. I think it will be hard for awhile still. But I am going to do it again and again. I won’t let my fear stop me. I won’t let it own me or my life anymore.

Here is to next time….

Under 200lbs!!

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Today is my weigh in and I am so so happy! I am under the 200lb mark! 199 to be exact! This means I have lost a total of 12 lbs *happy dance*

This wasn’t the best week for me either. The last weekend I kindof bleh off stuff because of stress and then yesterday I didn’t work out because Dh was super sick and I didn’t wanna bug him. He was up all night wednesday throwing up and then all day thursday too 🙁 Poor guy.

I am doing great though. I have my ups and downs but pretty much staying on plan and doing well. I am trying to switch my food up alittle more to add in more healthier stuff. I started eating kashi golean oatmeal. Its yummy. I add in strawberries and I am addicted. That with a glass of milk is such a healthy breakfast I am so proud of myself. I am also eating more veggies too. I do better and better each week.

I bought a heart rate monitor. It is really neat just a wrist one. I like it since I didn’t actually have a watch so now if I take a walk I can have the time lol. It seems very neat and has alot of features.

I think tomorrow I might wake up early and take a short walk. It is so hard but I would really like to do it.


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Sigh…sometimes it feels like the entire universe is against me. I conquer one obsticle and it just throws something else at me. See how much the girl can take before she breaks.

It leaves me wanting to scream out. Why?! Why does it always feel like I am being tested or tortured like this is some insane joke. It always feels like I’m not good enough, it is never gonna get to that point where it becomes easier. Why does life have to be so hard?? Why does it have to be a struggle just to be happy?? It makes me wanna curl into a little ball crying and just say what is the point??

Everything was going so well. I was working out and loving it. I am already getting more flexable, which amazes me how much more and I am so excited about it. I am losing weight every week, this week a huge 2.2lbs even! I am doing things right- eating well, staying on plan and developing good strong routines that keep me focused but still have enough wiggle room to be free. My happy pills were seeming to work great. I was at the store and didn’t panic, I was talking to people without freaking out about it for a half hour first!

And then thursday things start to shake. My safe grounded floor starts to crack and crumble. I freak out, I can’t rebalance myself. I don’t really know what is going on, why I am feeling so sad and broken when things are going well. Sure things happened but nothing that should have broken me up- my kitten was sick and I was scared for him, money issues are always there, fighting with the DH never helps, wondering if I hurt myself working out and making myself feel unsure of myself.

I think the worst is that I am not sleeping well. I wake up over and over all night long and have weird bad dreams. I need to get to the bottom of it and figure out why?

But today on the front page of spark was some articles about stress and that did help alot. I need to refocus keep pushing myself through all the uncertainity that the universe throws at me. Pick myself up when I stumble and find the inner balance to keep myself strong.

I am meditating almost everyday. It has been tough to focus and be calm or find the time. Even if it is for 1 min it is nice to get that in but I would like to add more in for sure.



Down 2.2lbs yay!!

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Well this week I lost 2.2lbs yay. I am now down to 201.4 so so so close to being under 200 and it feels amazing. It also means that I am only a whole .6 lbs away from hitting the 10lb total weight lost!

But with such good news it seems I gotta get hit with all this chaotic stuff as well. I did kindof pig out yesterday from stress and threw out my routine. It makes me sad but I didn’t go over my calories and I won’t let it keep me down.

My kitten has been sick but luckily today he seems alot better which is great. I also was fighting with the DH which just sucks always. sigh men! lol Plus I kindof hurt myself I think maybe from working out too hard idk. Yesterday I decided to just take a short walk instead of my normal intense workout day like it was supposed to be. It was nice taking a walk though as the first day of spring. But wow it was so so cold out lol.

I have been thinking alot about the future. I really wanna get away from so much processed foods and learn to cook. It is just so much easier said then done lol. Baby steps, I keep telling myself. I am just gonna find a new recipe every week and cook it up so I can learn and try some new stuff. I can always get DH to help me out if I need some extra help.

Bleh today is a lazy day. I just am so tired not sleeping very well lately at all. I wake up like a million times a night yuck.

Anyways…I read this in a blog today and really loved the meaning behind it:

From: http://www.thedeadweight.com/blog/?currentPage=5
“Today I was thinking about the Morning Banana Diet which is another goofy fad diet that was started in Japan. Actually, relative to a lot of stuff that comes out of Japan, this isn’t all that goofy. What it amounts to is: Eat a banana or two for breakfast. I have no doubt that people lose weight on this diet. Not because there is something about the diet itself that makes you lose weight, but just because it forces you to pay a little attention to what you’re eating which is all you need to start losing weight. There’s a reason a lot of fad diets work at the beginning and then stop working. And it’s not a matter of the diet itself failing or your body adjusting to it. It’s just that it’s not new and novel anymore so you don’t give it the attention you were at the start. It wasn’t the diet so much that was helping you lose weight, it was the attention you were giving to the food you were eating.

It’s like a relationship. You start a new relationship and you’re putting a lot of effort into it and you’re thinking, “This is great. He’s great. We have so much fun together.” But then the novelty wears off, you stop putting as much effort into it, things fall apart, and you start looking for a new person.

In that way the serial dater and the serial dieter have a lot in common. They’re looking outside themselves for the answers. The obvious solution is to try and find in yourself what you’re looking for outside of yourself

New Found Food Treasures

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I have always been an extremely picky eater. While I am actually interested in trying new things there are so so many foods I would never touch (or will never again touch).

But on my new adventure into a healthier me I am finding out I like alot of new stuff. Spinach for one. I remember being a kid and my dad had the attitude of you had to finish every bite on your plate including the green soggy mess of spinach out of a can. It was disgusting. Infact I can remember all the icky vegetables from a can were just gross, eh except maybe corn lol. Hey guess what frozen or fresh veggies actually taste good! Suprise suprise. I love spinach. I eat it in my salads and you can really just throw it into everything. I love broccolii too and baby snap peas are the best. I also am in love with the green giant immunity blend veggies. IDK what they do but it has the most delicious carrots I have ever tasted lol. I can’t wait to try more stuff that hey I might actually like lol.

Fiber One Bars= yummo! Everyone went on and on about how great fiber one is an as I really need more fiber I decided to try them. I am addicted now. They are so good the kashi bars are really good too. and neither are too overly sweet. I tried the special K bars once and eww way way too sweet for me thanks. I have to try the fiber one cereal next.

I just tried the Quaker Mini Delights chocolate drizzle. Honestly the only reason I tried it was because I got a free sample online lol. I had the cheese ones before and they were disgusting. But these little chocolate ones are just so good. Small and crunchy but so chocolatey good. If I ever need a chocolate fix this is my go to now.


On other news I got a pedometer last night and gonna get a heart monitor next week yay. This pedometer was just a cheapy one but it has a ton of neat features i need to read the booklet that came with it to try and figure it all out lol. I also got measuring tape. I totally didn’t have any before. So now I am gonna start taking my measurements so I can follow changes there as well as the scale.


Inching my way out of the 200’s

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I am so impatient lol. I know this can’t be rushed and it takes time and with that time comes being able to learn and change my life. But god I just wish each week the numbers lost were a big higher lol.

This week I lost .8lbs Not even a whole pound!! I know, I know, any loss is better then no loss. And every week since I have started I have lost weight even if one week it was only .4 and this week .8 and lovely last week with that 2.2 loss had me so inspired and happy.

I won’t let it discourage me. I think it just reinforces my focus and that I need to keep paying attention to my progress and learn through trial and error about what works and what doesn’t or what just needs to be tweaked.

I have been driving myself mad trying to figure out all this calorie mumbo jumbo. There is ALOT of info out there and not much of it makes a whole lotta sense lol. I am reading everything I can find though and trying to work it all out.

I corrected my fitness information on spark people and It now says I need to eat 1400-1750 calories a week. With all the crazy math I have been doing that seems pretty right. 1450 seems to be my average for me to lose without exercise and then I add in some exercise and it should all round out.

So I am gonna try to change up my calories some. One hoping this little tweak will give me more luck and two I think it will stop me from getting in the habit of eating the exact same thing every single day lol.

So I am gonna be trying this:

My new workout plan will be:
M- 30-45 mins walking
T- Day of rest/Lazy day lol
W- 45 min walking + pilates and strength from spark
T- 45 min walking
F- 45 min walking + pilates and strength from spark
S- 45 min walking
S- 45 min walking

The Walking will be Leslie Sansone’s DVD 3 miles + my warmup/warmdown walking to equal= 45 mins.

I did the fridays plan today. My first time doing the spark strength stuff. I thought I was gonna die lol. I hurt so so much lol but at the same time I feel great. It is so weird because I can be working out, completely out of it feeling like there is no way I can do this for 2 secs more. But as soon as I stop like all my energy comes back and I will usually be all bouncy and dancing around lol. eh it is weird lol It makes me wanna push myself more. But I am trying to stay in a nice normal pace so that I don’t rush it and then either fall apart or have nowhere higher to reach to that is within reason later on ya know.

Anyways todays weigh in I am down to 203.6 3 1/2 more pounds to go before the sweet Onederland. Hopefully that will be in two weeks!!

My new favorite quotes to keep me inspired from a thread on 3fatchicks

“If you trip on a stair you don’t throw yourself down the whole flight”

“Being fat is hard, losing weight is hard, maintaining is hard. Choose your hard.”

It takes a lot of courage to release the familiar and seemingly secure, to embrace the new. But there is no real security in what is no longer meaningful. There is more security in the adventurous and exciting, for in movement there is life, and in change there is power. – Alan Cohen

Life is a process of becoming, a combination of states we have to go through. Where people fail is that they wish to elect a state and remain in it. This is a kind of death. – Anais Nin

Look for opportunity. You can’t wait for it to knock on the door. . . . you might not be home.
“And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom.”

A lesson learned (hopefully)

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I can’t be trusted around food. My off switch is broken apparently. Well eh maybe not broken but just not loud enough. Because I can sit there and tell myself no that is enough, you are not even hungry anymore. But I still take more.

Last night we went shopping and my husband said lets have tacos for dinner. I said sure why not. I have been doing good lately and I can plan it in and just have 1-2.

Instead I had 4. I had told myself to have a salad with them but I didn’t. and after I had two of them I wasn’t really hungry but I decided to have just one more. Then after that I was kindof stuffed but I had another one sigh. I felt like crap after. A mix of guilt and a yucky upset stomach for overeating. The good thing though was that I didn’t eat the ice cream sandwhich my DH brought me when he got himself one.

Luckily I didn’t go way over my calories. It was supposed to be a low day but that didn’t happen. I will make up for it these next few days.

But I won’t give up. I would have let it throw me completely off track in the past but not this time. If I fall down, then I pick myself back up learn from my mistakes and move on. What did I learn? For starters I need to listen to my body. Full means full don’t push it. I also know that I need to eat a side with good stuff off plan. I can have a big salad or veggies and really help fill me up on the healthier stuff and make sure I don’t over eat as easy.

First 5lbs down!

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So yesterday (Friday) was my offical weigh in day. I was both excited and nervous as last week I had only lost .4 lbs. I really worked harder to stick on plan and upped my exercise too.

And it really payed off…Down 2.2lbs this week!! WOOHOO!!

I feel great. I am so happy!! I jumped on the scale 4 times because I just didn’t believe it at first and then I spent all morning in tears just because I was so emotional. I was just so happy and proud of myself.

It is just like yes I can do this…I AM DOING THIS!! And the 10lb mark seems so close now, right within my grasp!!

I feel amazing. And while 5lbs isn’t a ton I already am feeling sexier and thinner. I think it is that little thing called self confidence. lol

On the nonscale victory news… I went to the doctor wed and got great news. They sounded very happy and positive. My BS numbers were great. Actually alittle low even! She lowered my insulin to 15 in the morning and 6 at night. Took me completely off metformin as well! She said I should be off the insulin in 2 months if I keep doing so well.

The doctor did up my happy pills though. I think that will help alot with the panic attacks. Though she said something that really shocked me- that I don’t seem to be nervous and a paniced person. I read that people like this often have the issues because they are afraid of having a panic attack lol So it really made me think that maybe even though I will be so nervous and freaked out other people around me might not even notice! It really is so strange to think about.
Yesterday I added pilates to my workout. I got great advice that I should walk alittle bit first as a warmup then do the pilates and then walk some more as a cooldown and because I can then walk more if I feel like it. The pilates were so tough lol it really made me feel ungraceful and uncoordinated. but eh practice makes perfect and I will get better at it I am sure I just gotta stick with it.

The Evil Poptarts

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So this morning I hate myself. I am ready to forget all the positive changes I have made and just hide in the corner crying instead.

Ofcourse I am over reacting and being foolish. I know this and yet I am still so angry and upset at myself.

Yesterday I went over 2k calories. Almost 250 carbs sigh.

I was just having a bad day to begin with idk why exactly. I am feeling stressed about money and my DH and the fact that I am not losing as much weight as I had hoped. Really I know the numbers are not as important as the changes I am making and being healthier but it still sucks and it is hard not to worry and get upset about it.

Then my DH went to help a friend was supposed to be gone 1 hour and instead was gone 4 hours… Ruining my plans for the day to go shopping. I was angry and I ate. But it wasn’t too bad until right before bed I was hungry and decided to eat one of my husbands poptarts and ate 2 instead sigh. Wow those things have alot of calories.

idk what I am gonna do. I am staying on plan now. I will do better today. But still idk I feel like I am doing everything all wrong or I would be losing more weight.

One Month Down

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The first day of March has arrived which means that it has been a whole month since I started this whole path of change.

Overall I think my progress has been fairly good. I have started making the right choices. Choosing healthier food and the right portions. I am really learning alot about what is healthy and what is the correct portions too lol. I stayed pretty much on track and on plan most of the month. Atleast there were no huge slips or complete lack of caring for the plan at any time. So that is really postive.

I started working out near the beginning of the month 30 mins 5x a week and this last week of feb I upped it to 45 mins.

Feb brought me down 4.4lbs of total weight loss. A bit under my goal but good none the less. I am still very proud of myself. I lost every week atleast even if it was alittle bit.

March will be even better. I am getting more focused and going to work even harder. I will be adding more veggies to my diet for sure. I am also gonna continue to work out a ton. Doing 45 mins every Wed, Thurs, Sat & Sun with Fri being a slower cardio day following a guide I found on sparkpeople for walking and also will be adding pilates that day. I will follow this for the whole month and next month might up the cardio and add yoga + another day or two of pilates. I kindof wanna build up alittle bit slow.

So yay one month down and I am on plan, happier, healthier, and very proud of myself!!

*today I also decided to take some before pics to help me stay motivated. and then with every 10 lbs down I will take a new one.