Doing it MY way – not someone else’s!

I spent most of this weekend getting rid of bad stuff – clothes that don’t fit, food that isn’t healthy (or even correctly dated!), misc trash, pictures of people I don’t know. And after I finished a “task” on my to do list, I put my feet up for 30 minutes and read a good romance story as a reward. I didn’t get everything on my list finished, but I still feel good about myself. I accomplished a lot, including a serious talk with my kids about money, made a super healthy spaghetti sauce that has had my husband tasting out of the crockpot all day long (and he had seconds at supper tonight!), and have just done the things that feel right to ME!

Maybe that is the key for me to lose weight – to do what feels right to ME! I’m not someone else, so why am I trying to use their methods and ideas? I’ve always been someone who does things differently and that works for me. When I do Sudoko puzzles, I go through and look for all the 1’s, then the 2’s, etc and then I go back and fill in from there. When I do the word finds, I look for patterns in the word and then look for that pattern, not necessarily what the word starts with and those things work for me.

I know that I feel better and am more likely to exercise and eat right when my house is tidy. Not Better Homes and Gardens or good enough for a film crew, but simply neat and tidy and comfortable. AND I have noticed that when my house looks “yuckY” (to me), that is when I start to binge and the bingeing continues to escalate with work, stress, money, etc.

I am going to continue this path to see if it takes where I want to go. Maybe it will, maybe it won’t. All I know is that I am willing to try and it seems right and healthy to me.  I also know that when I work for just a few minutes on a quilt project, I also feel more relaxed and less stressed. It’s worth a try!

See ya later!


So tired of fighting

Work sucked today. It seems that everything I try to do to make my workplace a better place ends up being the wrong thing. Normally, I wouldn’t care. But today, I just felt like I was in the wrong place, the wrong dimension, the wrong everything. By the time I left and met my husband at the eye center to try (TRY!) to get an appointment for his cataract surgery, I was way cranky.

Then when I suggested dinner out, he seemed okay with it. We had an argument about something that stresses me out – basically because here lately when I share something that is on my mind with him, it becomes a blame game. This wouldn’t be too bad if expressions and issues came out into the open. Nope, that isn’t how he fights. He gives me the silent treatment, almost a “shunning”, until I apologize and say I’m sorry and then he will say “Me too”. Not “I’m sorry for…..”

I have had a tough few weeks lately. Work last week was straight from hell – both from managers and customers. Then this past weekend, I came down with the stomach flu and lived on mashed potatoes and toast for 5 days. Now that I am feeling better, I was hoping to go to Denny’s for all you can eat soup and salad – just sounded so yummy. But by the time the “argument’ was over, I was emotionally drained and went to bed for awhile. This just made it worse because now he thinks I am avoiding him.

We have patched things up and it is okay again, but I am getting tired of this. We rarely sleep together any more – it is one excuse after another and I don’t know which one if the real reason. Sometimes I don’t think it is any reason, other than the real one of he is disgusted with me and my fat.

Some days, I just get tired of fighting. fighting at work and dealing with really trying to be nice to cusomters and management. Tired of fighting about who is going to clean the house (and why do I have to do the majority of the housework? THe menu planning, the making of the grocery list, the laundry, the tidying up? I work a 40 hour week just like he does and my week is ALWAYS filled with cranky people!

Then to use the WII so I can dance and get healthy and de-stress myself is a major deal. I have the house free in the morning while he sleeps, but I have to keep it turned down so it doesn’t wake him up. Then in the afternoon, if he gets home first, the TV is already on by the time I get home and I have to “ask” to use the TV to do my WII.

I just get tired of trying some days, of having one door after another slam in my face. I really want to be healthy and get in shape, but I’m really not so sure it is worth all the effort I am putting into it and all the issues I deal with in my relationship with my husband. If I want to work out and dance and run with my WII (which I love and am seeing great results), then I have to deal with the feeling guilty that he is in his “stress free zone” of watching TV.  And if I don’t work out, I feel like I have failed myself again.

I have no idea how to fix this, so I am just going to bed. Maybe a good nights sleep will help.

See ya tomorrow!

Resisted MT Dew and a chocolate bar!

Actually resisted the urge to have a mountain dew and a chocolate bar today. Felt the world tilt the other way on its axis! ha ha! I am determined to do whatever it takes to get to my 10 pound goal by Friday, when I go see my doctor. I know I should have been working out harder, eating better, blah, blah, blah.

The reality is that I made the choice not to take those steps and now I am having to work my butt off to make that goal happen. I have already promised myself that if I meet my 10 pound goal, after my brunch with my good friend, I am going shopping – not to actually buy new clothes, but just to get into the idea that I will evenutally be able to fit into cute sexy clothes again.

My idea of shopping is to go to a thrift store (which I love!) and try on new sweat pants and baggy shirts. This Friday, if I meet my goal, I am actually going into CLOTHES STORES and looking at pretty stuff to help imagine myself in them. My reward will then be to go to some nice thrift stores and look for pretty/vintage scarfs or jewelry (one of my passions).

This is a tough thing for me to even contemplate, but I feel I need to do this. I will not be fat forever and one day (soon?) I will need to buy new clothes. Yes, my daughter will be there with me as my guide and personal fashionista, but I need to get used to looking at and buying clothes!

Also, I found this cool dress/shoes/outfit/hair picture in Elle magazine and I love it! I carry it at work with me and when I am tempted to eat something FATTENING I look at this picture and see myself in Vegas partying in this outfit. The fact that I would have to wear a water bra (or something) since all I have left for a chest is a lovely scar isn’t the issue. The idea is that I will be skinny and sexy and beautiful in this gorgeous dress! I already have 2 of my friends who are dressmakers (at least for their family) looking at patterns for me and talking fabric! I love it!

So, in the spirit of THE DRESS, I have eaten healthy all day. The closest I came to unhealthy today was a couple pieces of ham and a slice of cheese and a small sprite after I came home today. I danced and did my arms workout this morning, walked 14,400 steps, and then danced at home for 20 mintues! You go girl!

Well, off to clean the house! When I get “skinny”, can I get someone to clean my house too! ha ha!


Getting rid of fat clothes!

I am just shy of my first 10 pounds and I am so excited! My doctor’s visit is this coming Friday and I am a little worried. The deal was that I would lose some weight, drop my numbers for sugar and cholesterol and have made some changes in my life that will help me get healthy. In return, my doctor would keep me off meds for either/both sugar and cholesterol. I’m not sure how well I have done and have been thinking about it today. So, rather than stress on bloodwork that has already been done and submitted, I choose to clean! It is the perfect day for it! My husband is out running errands, I have soup on the stove (yum!), and I have been cleaning and organizing like a crazy woman!

I have been going through my closets and dressers and getting rid of all kinds of clothes (up to 4 bags for the thrift store). If it doesn’t fit, it is ugly, or stained, or I haven’t worn it in over 6 months, it’s gone! The best news of all is that the 3x dress I had bought at a thrift store in spring for summer wear is WAY TOO BIG – it almost fell off me! I am so happy!

This is very therauputic for me and I am continuing on my crazy cleaning adventure! Also, I fit into some cute sandals I haven’t been able to wear for over a year! Yeah again!

Okay, well enough typing and back to cleaning! Who knows what’s next!

See ya!

September goals for a healthier me!

Just a few goals for September:

1. Lose 5 by September 14th (weight will be 265) and lose 3 more pounds by Sep 30th (weight will be 262). First goal will take me to my 10 pounds!

2. Continue alternating days with soda (day 1: small dark soda, Day 2: small clear soda, Day 3: juice. Repeat!) so that I can eliminate soda entirely by the beginning of the year.

3. Continue exercising: M/W/F: walk dog and then dance 20-30 minutes, T and TH: long walk, M/T/Th: do Zumba at gym with friends, W: dance and clean like crazy woman, Friday: relax in the pool at the gym. Sat and Sun: long walk to train for 8k and/or declutter and clean my friend’s house.

4. Reward myself with foot soaks, books, etc (see list)

5. Fast food allowed 1x a week – double reward if NO fast food for the week (IE, a 10 minute foot soak would be a 20 minute foot soak!)

6. Save money for trip to Flagstaff in October!

7. Remind myself how wonderful I am everyday!

8. Pray before each meal and think of 3 blessings before I eat.

9. Journal my thoughts and issues, rather than eating them!

10. Remember this is a SCENIC journey, with time to enjoy the changes. This way I won’t end up saggy!


It has been a week of Monday the 13th and it’s still not over!

It has been a crazy week! It’s like it has been Monday the 13th all week and tomorrow promises to be a nightmare! Since I work in retail, the first of the month is always something to look forward to – almost as much as say, a root canal. Now, management has lost their mind and committed to something that will undoubtably raise my stress level sky high! So, it is essentially the 1st of the month, everyone in the world will have their retirement checks, etc, AND it will be the blue moon for the year (the 2nd full moon during a calender month). Added to that, my sister-in-law (the perfect one!) is coming to visit on Saturday to spend the night. I am planning to make pot roast (which I do well), but I have no idea what desert to make or how I will coordinate my walking and “training” for my 8k event. I usually do my 3 hour walk around the golf course and back to the house, which is the route the 8k event will take. However, I won’t be able to do this on Saturday because I won’t have time and on Sunday we will be going to early church before she has to leave.

Don’t get me wrong – I love my sister-in-law and I love spending time with her and her family, but for heaven’s sake, she makes pie crust from scratch, looks not 40 (and she’s 55!), blah, blah, blah.

Added to the week I’ve had and the fact that while my house isn’t a disaster area (well, not quite!), and the fact that tomorrow will be a lovely set of hell to deal with, I’m just not looking forward to the weekend. I had hoped to have a relaxing weekend and get some quilt projects done, take some naps, watch some movies, take some more naps, etc.

On the bright side, my wonderful husband is paying for me to get a spa pedicure tomorrow after work, and he is doing the shopping, so that is good. Actually, it may be the only thing that gets me through the day tomorrow!

Oh, well, cleaning and cooking and baking can be done to lots of music and I can dance while I cook and clean (nothing new there!). It is always good to see good family members and it will be a fun evening. Okay, I have to go finish quilt projects (that were due in March! that she will be leaving with on Saturday!). Did I mention I have been procrastinating lately! ha ha!

See ya!

Spinning my wheels in quicksand and sinking fast!

Some days, it’s just not worth getting up in the morning and working through the day! For the past week, that is exactly how I have felt. Seems like every project, every normal day to day schedule has been derailed by something – it’s like a freight train runs through my life!

Work is the same lovely work it always is – filled with mean and hateful customers, too much stupidity for any one person to handle, food temptations all around me, housework that never seems to go away, paperwork on my desk that will soon be taller than I am, quilting projects that stare at me from my work table, and life in general.

On a good note, I measured myself yesterday and have lost 2.5 inches on my waist and 2.5 inches off my butt! Yeah me! Now, if I can just get over this stomach flu bug that is going around, I might feel like exercising again!

I have decided that I am just going back to being organized and will be spending most of my Saturday cleaning and organizing and getting my paperwork in order. My plan is to organize for 1 hour, then quilt and listen to quiet music for about an hour and then switch off. Hopefully, that will work and I will get some things accomplished.

My honey and I are having date night on Saturday night (YEAH!) and I am contemplating where to go for our dinner out. If it weren’t so hot, I would suggest a picnic in the park, but it WAY too hot for that (even at night). So I am thinking of our local Italian place, but rather than having the spinach/artichoke dip and bread AND the salad AND the spaghetti AND the garlic toast AND the cheesecake, just having the dip and bread and salad and sharing a piece of cheesecake.

 We usually go to Denny’s, but I am really trying to stay as far away from fried food as possible. We are somewhat limited in our choices for nice places here, so too many times our choice is Denny’s, because it is quick and close and cheap and we almost always have a coupon!

Well, it’s off to bed for me, so I can get enough sleep to deal with Friday. On a good note, I have some ideas for snacks and healthy baking for this weekend and upcoming week, so grocery shopping might be easier tomorrow. See ya!


Fell off the wagon and got ran over!

I feel like I not only fell off the wagon, but then the wagon ran over me! For the past few days, I have been unable to eat healthy and do exercise. It just hasn’t seemed to work for me. Now, I feel like a beached (and bloated) whale, I’ve gained back the weight,and I feel like yuccky crap!

I do so well for a couple of days and then, poof! the fat genie comes back again and it’s under the wagon I go! I just feel like I am fighting a very losing battle often and it drives me crazy. I keep thinking I am going to get this healthy living thing, but somehow, I am always behind the curve.

And then I read the success stories and instead of inspiring me, it depresses me and makes me feel like I’m a failure. In reality, I know I’m not a failure, but sometimes I sure feel like that!

To make matters worse, I have set my goal of reaching 20 pounds lost by my doctor’s appointment on Sep 14. I just don’t see how that is going to work. I want to play to my strengths and do this, but I just can’t seem to figure it out. I’ve even tried these past few days of eating almost nothing and that REALLY packs the pounds on (Just reed the DR OZ info about your body going into “starvation mode” and hoarding fat for better times)! Oops!

So, here’s what I’m going to do for tonight. I’m going to go to bed and get a good night’s sleep (unless we have more of those house shaking thunder boomers again!), get up tomorrow morning EARLY, think of some ways to make changes, and then dance till I feel better.

Okay, off to bed I go!


Thank God it’s Friday – I can’t take much more!

What a weird week! I’ve lost and gained and lost and gained 4 pounds and none of the days make any sense! On the days I ate healhty, had a good night’s sleep and exercised, I gained weight. On the days when I couldn’t get my act together, I lost weight. And yesterday, I did my 45 minute workout before work and an hour of Zumba after work, and still gained weight.

So, obviously, I didn’t make my goal weight this week and I’m really struggling with my enthusiam. I just wish I could figure what is going on. Failing that, I just wish I could make this work.

Oh, well, I have some new ideas for my snack/breaks at work. I will just continue working out and doing my best. That’s all that I can do. I was really hoping to have lost 20 pounds by September 14th when I see my doctor, but that probably isn’t very realistic. I know that I could definitely lose 10 pounds by then, so that will be my goal.

Well, off to get ready for another fun day dealing with …… (you fill in the blank!). Happy Friday!


Mean people suck!

Why do people have to be so mean and hateful? If you are going to be mean and hateful everywhere you go, please stay home, cause I’m tired of dealing with your hatefulness!

People have made me cry all this week at work and I have to be honest here, I’m not sure who has been worse – management or the customers. I’m so sick of hearing the customer is always right! What happens when the customer is abusive and threatening? Why can’t management try backing us just one time? What a novel idea!

Sometimes, I just wish the management AND the customers could spend a week in my shoes, getting yelled at for something I have no control over, getting treated worse than a dog, and then having your management “family” rub salt into the wounds and make you feel even worse by suggesting that if you don’t fix your “attitude”, then you can be updating your resume.

Yesterday, I was treated worse than crap by a member of management and it was witnessed by a whole room full of my peers. Then, when I went to complain about the incident, my senior manager basically told me I was in the wrong and I shouldn’t take things so personally. and that management had many things on their mind at all times. So, you can treat me like crap and that’s okay? And people wonder about why we have no morale there?

ANyway, enough whining about idiots! I was very proud of myself today. When the customer made me cry, and then 20 minutes later I went to lunch, I didn’t have fried food like I normally would have to make me feel better. No, instead, I had a salad with a whole avocado and almost 1/2 box of cherry tomatoes and I felt so good about that choice!

Well, I’m off to bed. I have the day off tomorrow (THANK YOU GOD!), and I have a lot of “catch up things” to get done.