Starting over

  • Starting over today. I have been avoiding doing anything healthy for several weeks now and it is only making things worse. My husband and I had a heart to heart talk and I am hoping it will do some good. Here are the facts: My whole family is unhealthy and I have never ever been healthy in any way (physically, mentally, spiritually, or emotionally). My childhood was filled with unhealthy foods (fried in lard!), with unhealthy attitudes. There is no person in my family who doesn’t have diabetes, high blood pressure or other health issues. My Mom died when she was 63 from complications of heart attack, stroke, high blood pressure and diabetes. We also think she suffered from either manic depressive/bipolar mental health issues. Both my Dad and my Mom smoked like chimneys. My brother and I lived our lives in fear of what would happen if Mom wasn’t having a good day (which was often enough to be scary – even now). Although I loved my Dad dearly, I do have some anger that he allowed Mom to treat us the way she did (for whatever reason she had). My Mom had been the victim of at least emotional and physical abuse and we believe also the victim of child abuse.
  • While I was skinny when I went into the Navy, the only reason I stayed that way before I had my kids was because I was dancing like a drunken sailor (which I often was) several nights a week. After my kids were born, I was too busy working 50-60 hours a week shift work, trying to take care of my kids while my first husband screwed around on me.
  • To be truthful, the healthiest I have ever been was when I was dealing with cancer. Yes, you read that right. Because during my dealings with cancer, I danced or walked. I laughed, I wrote in my journal almost daily, I ate the healthiest things I could find to eat.
  • Now, I have been dealing with diabetes for over 4 years and I have made no progress. Instead, I have gained weight, lost self esteem, taken on a harder more stressful job, both my kids have moved out of the house, gotten more into debt and done nothing to take care of myself.
  • My doctor has put me on metformin (?) and told me to take it 2x a day. In the past 6 weeks, I may have taken the medicine 5 or 6 times and not consistently. My ankles and legs and feet swell often, it takes me forever to get from one end of the work building to another and I am tired all the time.
  • I could list a lot of excuses about why I have made changes, but the truth of the matter is that I have been unwilling to make changes, even small ones. I kept expecting things to change magically, but of course they haven’t.
  • Well, I am tired of being sick and tired all the time. I am tired of not being able to play with my puppy or have enough energy to clean my house or go for a walk with my husband in the evening. So, tonight, I have restarted. My 50th birthday is March 4th and I am looking forward to it! My birthday gift to myself will be the loss of 7-10 pounds. I know that isn’t much, but it is more than I have been able to keep off before. I only have two choices: I can choose to do nothing, to make no changes and gain more weight and be more unhealthy. Or I can have the courage to make some changes and gain more health. This is a new journey and I am scared, but this has to be done! Here I go!

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