the edge of madness

This past month has been one trying to get my life in order, organized and goal oriented to find happiness and healthiness. Not saying it is working 100%, but at least I am trying. But the past 3 weeks have wreaked havoc on me mentally. Why? I can say this because of the internet…the anonymity..I thought I had a wart on “a lady part”. I went to see my doctor, he said yes it is and set up an apt for a gynecologist as he wasn’t set up to remove it.
Ok..3 weeks later..I have googled it till I drove myself into a frenzy…everything I read said you can not transmit a wart from a hand to a private area. Everything I read said HPV, an STD. The facts that 80% of sexually active people have this in one form or another wasn’t easing any of my angst or madness. You can not even begin to imagine the thoughts of, is S/O cheating/ Did he cheat/ who did I get it from/ did I pass it on? And of course, when I brought it up to s/o just reply, “it isn’t from me”. You can insert the smash in the face emoticon here, because I was so furious with him with that remark…I just said, “gee thanks, great to know it’s all my issue”. He apologized..but you can’t take back what it said. I told him regardless he was going to get tested as well. He agree’d.
3 stress filled weeks later…I have my clinic apt. The nurse brings me in and confirms, no you can’t get it from a hand wart and it would be an STD. I burst out crying ( for the zillionth time that day)..I think I made her uncomfortable, but she was a trooper… explaining it could be a virus in my body from over 10 years ago etc. It did not help..I get into the room and the next thing I know, another nurse if talking about a colopspy (sp). HUH?????? This wasn’t what Dr Y and I talked be honest I am getting more stressed by the nano-second.
The Dr R comes in, with a female student. Oh great, not like I am embarrassed enough to begin with..he tried to alleviate the harshness and said he had another 5 to come in..I replied, oh no you don’t! Bad enough I am showing you 3 strangers my lady parts, I do not want to show others! *insert nervous laugh* He was joking.
Well, out come the infidelity questions etc. Am I sexually active, have I been sexually active with others than him, has he been active with others, cheating etc.. He did a pap with a microscope..(and had a HUGE flat screen monitor to show what he was doing.. I politely declined. While they are my lady parts, I dont need to see them…especially on a tv the size of times square! (ugh) ) washed everything with vinegar because it is supposed to show issues..whether lesions or warts etc..Bizarre. (I know, this whole post is t.m.i..but I have to let it out somewhere..)
After 5 minutes of checking, he asks me to show him where the wart is.. I can’t find it. 3 ppl cant find it. I have no other ones either!!!! He is using a microscope and can’t find it.. Heck, I couldn’t find it! Now I believe in God, I believe in the power of prayer, and I have been praying up a storm begging for healing, although I admit, I do not know why He would heal me, because I am certianly not the best person. When I couldn’t find it, I burst into tears bawling my head off with relief. Because I felt something last week there..
Doc R thinks it could have been a hair issue or whatever, but said I did not have any warts etc!. He did an HPV test regardless and I will get the results next month. But let me tell you, if I dodged this bullet, I will be more than thankful.
HPV can lead to cervical cancer….and today I feel so fortunate to have my mind back, reality to look at my goals again. I know this isnt something anywhere near the scare or other diseases, but this was my scare-my fear-my madness.

Please get yourselves checked if you think you may have HPV. Don’t let yourself go through that fear like I did.

“The most difficult thing I have ever had to do is follow the guidance I prayed for.”
~Albert Schweitze

One Response to “the edge of madness”

  1. You made me LOL with your descriptions, especially of the jumbo monitor, probably because I’ve always been rather private about my body, but a few years of infertility treatment gets you over that kind of fast. Still, I HATE those appointments.

    Glad it looks like it turned out to be a false alarm.

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