2 dogs no more

It has been awhile since I have written…but I have been reading although not posting much. Haven’t felt like it (posting) for awhile. Just like has been there and things have been piling up.
I am no longer 2 dogs and a lady. That is hard. We had to say goodbye to our male dog Jake on Monday. That was the hardest thing I have had to do, and I find it still so very hard. He had so much life left in his eyes…his face. But he went so easily, we only realized how tired, how much pain and stress he had been in when they started to let him go. He had lost feeling in his back leg and tail and for a week and a bit we had been lifting his back end and giving him steroids and laser treatments. None which were doing enough for him to have any quality of life. This was dog that would run down the hallway with his squeaky beaten up crab hanging in his mouth waiting for you to play even though he had dysplexia (sp) and arthritis in his hips.
So goodbye my dear boy. My Jakers, my ‘gud boy:, Budders and sweet, lovable goof dog.

I miss you very much sweet boy…I hope you are getting Mom to throw squeaky toys around up there in Heaven. God made something as special as you, with gentle kind soul so He must have brought you to Him right?

stress: difficulty that causes worry or emotional tension

Difficulty..that sounds like such a weak word,. ‘difficulty”. What I feel I have been going through is so far beyond difficulty, it doesn’t even have a ‘d” in it!
Weight wise, I think I might be gaining not losing, but then I haven’t done anything to lose it. Skip meals, grab a soda or bar, the only water I have been getting is whatever is in my green tea! Then there is that fantastic little thing called family. Family, facebook these 2 things do not mix well. My God-daughter..oops not anymore, niece decided to post photos of me on FB. I had given her explicit instructions not to post them. They are embarrassing to me and I really do not want everyone to see how much weight I have gained over the past 7 or so years. My choice. Well she did post them, refused to remove them (she is the all knowing 13)etc. So I removed her from the “friend list” and had to change my photo settings so friends would not see any photos tagged with me in them. How stupid no? Well, the other day, I went on the S/O’s FB and saw that she added MORE of me from that day. Instant fume. I tried to reach out to my older sister (her mom) which she said, she had no intention in getting between the “issue” with her daughter and I. Holy freaking bat shit! She can’t even control her own kids. you know, if I pulled that kind of dis-respectful trick as I was growing up, I would have been beaten!So I never would have tried anything like that. When you were told to sit, you sat…you did not speak if you were told to shut up either. No begging or whining.
So, next thing I know, I am getting bullshit emails from sister, told been banned from all of her family etc emailing crazy nasty things. S/O was as flabbergasted as I was. I guess I had forgotten the ability my stupid family has for going ape-shit…beyond the usual ape-shit.
Then crap with work for the last 3 weeks has been so stressful. I actually had tears in my eyes yesterday when a supplier tried to blame their lack of attention to an order on me. When I am feeling so upset it is time to step back. Today I took a mental health day *cough cough*. Sleep wasn’t good as we have been having a non-pay of rent issue with a boarder…oh, did I mention, as I am sitting here blogging, he just moved out. Without paying for the week he owes..nor do we expect to get it. The other boarder said if he can’t find a job by the end of the month he has to move home. And the best part, S/O has not been well and has missed many weeks of work (not in a row). The doctors think he has Meniare’s Disease..no cure..only ways to try and control it. wonderful. just freaking wonderful.

GOd must have forgotten the 80’s fashions are long gone. Those great big shoulders I had back then were due to the 3 sets of should pads I seemed to wear….these shoulders I have now…well they just can’t take much more.

All hail & no snow…Spring is coming!

Good Monday morning! That is our weather report today. While i hate the hail, I love the fact the snow is gone and….spring flowers were pooping their lil heads up, bright patches of purple and green in a grim coloured February. I know Spring is coming, so let’s keep hanging on people..Brighter, sun filled days are coming..

oh yes, WASN’T THAT AN AWESOME GAME LAST NIGHT? GO CANADA!!!!!!!!!!! hehehehe, But I am glad the games are finally over. 🙂

and the good times keep on coming

Yesterday I bought a single betty crocker blender so i can make my herbalife shakes in it. Since I lost part to one last year when I was temporarily transferring back home. I love those shakes, having used them many years before. A simple breakfast or lunch. Breakfast will be steel cut oats and strawberries and a lunch shake with more strawberries. Yes, the were on sale! Haha
We went grocery shopping yesterday and there was so much junk that s/o wanted. It is was battered or could be microwaved, that was his idea of a meal. *sigh* Not mine.
Does anyone have a recipe fo broccoli salad that doesn’t involve mayo?

the edge of madness

This past month has been one trying to get my life in order, organized and goal oriented to find happiness and healthiness. Not saying it is working 100%, but at least I am trying. But the past 3 weeks have wreaked havoc on me mentally. Why? I can say this because of the internet…the anonymity..I thought I had a wart on “a lady part”. I went to see my doctor, he said yes it is and set up an apt for a gynecologist as he wasn’t set up to remove it.
Ok..3 weeks later..I have googled it till I drove myself into a frenzy…everything I read said you can not transmit a wart from a hand to a private area. Everything I read said HPV, an STD. The facts that 80% of sexually active people have this in one form or another wasn’t easing any of my angst or madness. You can not even begin to imagine the thoughts of, is S/O cheating/ Did he cheat/ who did I get it from/ did I pass it on? And of course, when I brought it up to s/o just reply, “it isn’t from me”. You can insert the smash in the face emoticon here, because I was so furious with him with that remark…I just said, “gee thanks, great to know it’s all my issue”. He apologized..but you can’t take back what it said. I told him regardless he was going to get tested as well. He agree’d.
3 stress filled weeks later…I have my clinic apt. The nurse brings me in and confirms, no you can’t get it from a hand wart and it would be an STD. I burst out crying ( for the zillionth time that day)..I think I made her uncomfortable, but she was a trooper… explaining it could be a virus in my body from over 10 years ago etc. It did not help..I get into the room and the next thing I know, another nurse if talking about a colopspy (sp). HUH?????? This wasn’t what Dr Y and I talked about..to be honest I am getting more stressed by the nano-second.
The Dr R comes in, with a female student. Oh great, not like I am embarrassed enough to begin with..he tried to alleviate the harshness and said he had another 5 to come in..I replied, oh no you don’t! Bad enough I am showing you 3 strangers my lady parts, I do not want to show others! *insert nervous laugh* He was joking.
Well, out come the infidelity questions etc. Am I sexually active, have I been sexually active with others than him, has he been active with others, cheating etc.. He did a pap with a microscope..(and had a HUGE flat screen monitor to show what he was doing.. I politely declined. While they are my lady parts, I dont need to see them…especially on a tv the size of times square! (ugh) ) washed everything with vinegar because it is supposed to show issues..whether lesions or warts etc..Bizarre. (I know, this whole post is t.m.i..but I have to let it out somewhere..)
After 5 minutes of checking, he asks me to show him where the wart is.. I can’t find it. 3 ppl cant find it. I have no other ones either!!!! He is using a microscope and can’t find it.. Heck, I couldn’t find it! Now I believe in God, I believe in the power of prayer, and I have been praying up a storm begging for healing, although I admit, I do not know why He would heal me, because I am certianly not the best person. When I couldn’t find it, I burst into tears bawling my head off with relief. Because I felt something last week there..
Doc R thinks it could have been a hair issue or whatever, but said I did not have any warts etc!. He did an HPV test regardless and I will get the results next month. But let me tell you, if I dodged this bullet, I will be more than thankful.
HPV can lead to cervical cancer….and today I feel so fortunate to have my mind back, reality to look at my goals again. I know this isnt something anywhere near the scare or other diseases, but this was my scare-my fear-my madness.

Please get yourselves checked if you think you may have HPV. Don’t let yourself go through that fear like I did.

“The most difficult thing I have ever had to do is follow the guidance I prayed for.”
~Albert Schweitze

Blue Sky Saturday!

I love Saturday’s! Especially when the sun is out and the skies are BLUE! that is what this mornings weather is showing! A breeze blowing..and the sure sign that spring is coming!
This morning I re-arranged the living room furniture ( I do that often) and took a light shade down and scrubbed it out. Why is it I never notice how they look until you are on the way out? But today I got it..I need a new light. That one is 40 years old and UGLY! But in keeping with my budget, will be watching work for one on sale that I like! 🙂 yes, on sale! haha
Later today I am going to find a vet that can neuter the dust bunny that has been living at my house, procreating like a fiend…

have a wonderful day everyone!

Last night I dreamt I was running down a sidewalk because I could….and it felt wonderful. I miss things like that so much. I think my post last night keep me awake most of the night. BUT, that being said, keeping me awake was not only bad. I weighed myself this morning! 1st time in a tremendously long time…wasn’t as bad as i feared, but it wasn’t good either! But I DID face it!I watched Dragon’s Den a few weeks ago and some people had created a scale that doesn’t show your weight, just your losses or gains. I LOVED that! I think I might even look it up on the internet. Found it!Photobuckethttp://site.quantumscale.com

Last night I got out my Herbal magic books, and wrote out this mornings breakfast and lunch so I did not have to think today about them. Small steps…have to get those rings fitting…and be able to walk my dogs without so much pain again! “rachwms” suggested water exercise, which I live, but the only place in my city that does that is the main centre..and the one that have specialty exercises for arthritis etc are during the day & I work there. Bikes, treadmills etc on land are a huge no no for me. But at least I am thinking of this stuff!

Happy Valentines Day Chickies…my honey is making me 2 eggs & 1 pc of toast…just like I asked for :O)

That’s IT!

So I have this issue with osteo-arthritis in both knees…and it is becoming increasingly more and more limiting on my life. And this is MY fault. Why? Because I weight too damned much and I know it…yet for some reason, I haven’t gotten back on track and started to eat right again. WHY??? WHY?? WHY??? What is wrong with me that I do not have the determination to get back to the size I was before? I can literally see the weight I have gained as the days go on. I am embarrassed to see my friends and previous co-workers for the weight I have gained! and………….it is hurting me physically. My knees are so bad right now. I walk, no, I waddle like a penguin, and not far either. It was such a gorgeous day today, I really wanted to take Jes out for a walk, even just around the block, but know my knees won’t do it. I have been told swimming is the best, but how am I supposed to face other people I know in a bathing suit???
I KNOW THIS…I KNOW IT AND IT BOTHERS THE HECK OUT OF ME! I am so done with always being in pain and so limited. i used to love walking. I would walk for hours, with my walkman trying to outdistance where I went the day before. Now..I don’t. I don’t dance, or crouch..and I hate it. I just friggin’ hate it. Get the weight off, see how the pain is, and if it doesn’t get better, talk to the doctor about getting the replacement (that terrifies me even more) done before I turn 50. Both knees will have to be done, at different times.
So why can’t I lose the weight to put off the TKR? Why can’t I lose the weight to feel better about myself? What in the heck is wrong with me?

Taking stock

January 3rd, a day to take stock & figure things out. Yesterday DH & I had an appointment with our banker to open a new joint account. We will pay all bills out of it, rather than use my account. This was we don’t have access besides online to it.. Our banker also gave us a wonderful book on how to budget and do what you need to do to get where you want to get. very helpful indeed. Sad when here I am at 42 years old and I still screw things up. At least I have taken a grip on things. Sat down & figured out all bills, owing and future, savings etc and went from there. I can;t believe we have enough $$$ to pay everything, savings included and have some left over! All on paper, not running to pay this or that..scrambling around. I was surprised! Pleasantly no less! DH & I talked about bank fee’s, which credit cards had the highest interest rate and which 2 we should get rid of..because we do not need 4 between us! I feel hopeful about this. I feel that DH seeing what exactly we owe will help him concentrate on working more, perhaps even getting a better paying job. (really, after 5 yrs at the same place, numerous accommodations, night shift premium..and he makes under $11. an hour!) Costco is opening here, they are unionized and he can make more than $16. an hour starting WITH benefits. But he drags his feet on doing it…I have sent in his resume regardless and will be following up to see where he needs to go for it as well. He has very little initiative and would be happy to stay there making little. That is just him. Drives me bonkers on many levels as well!

Weight wise, I just am going to watch what I am eating…go back to no soda (I did well for 3 weeks) and stay away from the snack machines. The budget will help not buy things from fast food places and the lunch bag lady at work as well.

The hives I have had since May aren’t as bad as before…they are slowly getting better. Still taking the 3 meds but they are seeming to get better!

Welcome 2010!

Happy New Years!
Let the bell’s ring loud! 2010 has arrived!

And not a moment too soon! I brought it in quietly, with Stacy working and myself sleeping. I find I have done that for so many NYE now that is has become habit. Since it is his birthday as well, next year i am going to make a special effort to NOT do that…but to plan something special for him. A house party perhaps! Whatever, he deserves something better than being at work or by himself watching a game whilst I sleep.

2009..what a year it was…a year. I am so glad it has passed. It ended sadly with my Godmother Betty passing away. I hadn’t spoken with her for almost 3 years, which is something I regret. Dementia had taken a hold of her and they ha Read more »