[MaggieShines]

.................. ...................... ..............

That is my feeble attempt to illustrate me dragging myself back, kicking and screaming, to where I need to be to continue to be successful in WW. I've been wallowing in The Old Ways. Friday and Saturday, I ate like the person I used to be: thoughtlessly, indulgently (in a bad way), blindly.

Because of the nasty PMS and being so sad over my daughter going away, I just gave in and said to myself, "Go on, eat whatever the **** you want." So I did. Man, did I. Friday involved Slim Jims and vanilla ice cream, a full bag of popcorn with melted butter, and a full one-pound Hershey bar (the night before weigh-in); Saturday was lunchmeat sandwiches, chips and dip, Mike & Ikes. I didn't have plans for Saturday, so I reverted to my old routine: hours on end of Law & Order SVU and stuffing my face. Disgusting.

And then when I thought I heard someone come in the front door, I jumped up and hid the evidence in my closet. You know, my bedroom closet used to be filled with empty ice cream containers, chip bags, dip jars, candy wrappers, dirty spoons. How awful to live that way. If I heard my sweetie or my daughter come in, I would jump up and hide everything.

They were habits I started when I was at a low point in my life, and it seems I can revert to them very easily, even though all of those issues are resolved and my life is wonderful.

But you know what? I enjoyed it. I LIKED eating without counting. I liked strolling through the store and buying whatever I wanted. Stuffing my face in a dark bedroom by the light of the TV set. I remembered that freedom. And I liked it, and I got kind of resentful toward WW.

I also realized that I have a very hard time comforting myself without food. Like an alcoholic who turns to drink when things get rough, I turn to food (as so many people do). But when I was by myself Friday and Saturday night, feeling PMS-y, sad about my daughter and with no plans to see my bf (though we talked on the phone often), I had no way to comfort myself that didn't include eating. I took a bath, I had a glass of wine, I played on the computer, I took a walk, I played with the cats, I cleaned, I tried to sleep. All the things you SHOULD do when you need to soothe yourself. But as I did each thing, I knew in my head that it was only putting off the inevitable: I had to eat.

That is my goal now, to try to find new ways to soothe myself when I need it that don't include food. I have wonderful friends and people close to me who are a terrific support system, but there are times when it's just me. And I owe it to myself to be able to take care of me without doing anything self-destructive. And while having some chocolate or a little ice cream or something salty is a normal, healthy way of dealing with PMS or emotions, having half a gallon of ice cream is not.

But at least this time I snapped out of it and am OK today and trying to glean a lesson from it. I imagined my goal body and the things we would do and the way we would feel. I didn't let myself dwell in The Old Ways to the point that I was unwilling or unable to come back. I recognized it as the aberration, as the exception to the rule that is my life now as a sane, healthful eater.

Geesh, I'm sorry for the rambling. I'm usually mcuh more coherent. At least I HOPE so!

[hippohips]

I am glad you snapped out of it and I love the little picture! I like eating without counting and shopping with counting, and it is easy. But hey, what fun is easy? No one would be impressed if you did not have to fight to lose that weight! I find that music is a big comfort to me. It distracts me. Whether it is quiet classical music when I just want to sit and relax and think or upbeat music that gets me up and about, I always seem to get a lot more done and am in a much better mood after some good music.

[MistySeptember]

[[[HUGS]]] Maggie, I know what you mean. SO much of what you said hit way too close to home for me. I've been there, ya know? I am glad you tried other coping methods and that you are trying to find lessons in the experience. That's the best thing you can do now.

I read on anotehr post recently that a woman always allowed herself a free day the first day of her "reminder" pills of her birth control. One day every month where she allowed herself to give in to the PMS and just let her guard down a bit. I was thinking about trying this once I get a few weeks under my belt. I could see the cons of this:
1) it will eventually catch up to you
2) it may be hard to stop and get back on plan after one day, it could trigger old habbits and result in a multi day binge

But if you know each month you have a free day then maybe quitting after that day won't be so hard b/c you know another one is coming up. We all need days to just let go. I am still in the stage as Dr. Phil puts it "white knuckling" my way trhough each day and each week. maybe after time I won't feel the need for free days, or maybe they might help. It's something I am going to think about.

Maggie I hope that things get smoother and you are able to get back on track. You've had alot going on and despite the rough weekend you've done very well with it.

~misty

[Calpurrnia]

Oh man...yeah. I totally know that feeling, Maggie! *huge hug* This past week was DREADFUL for me because not only was I dealing with PMS, but it was the bad month. (Did you know because we alternate ovaries each month, one month can be worse than another? Well, apparently one of my ovaries hates me more than the other, so every other month makes me want to die of overeating because I'm in so much pain!) So last week was not only the first week I had my period on WW, but it was also the WORST week ever, lol. It was terrible. And I had so many bouts of just wanting to go to Wal-Mart (because I don't know anybody who works or shops there as opposed to the other grocery stores closer to home) and just buying all the cheese, sour cream and onion potato chips, chocolate ice cream, and bags upon bags of Reese's peanut butter cups that I could possibly get.

Ugh. But then...you know...I thought about how hard it was for me to even admit I needed help from WW. And then, before I decided to go to Wal-Mart, I thought to undress and go stand in front of the mirror and make a more informed decision. And when I realized that I actually looked at my body rather than just kind of allowing my vision to blur...it made me second guess myself and I just ended up going to bed.

You knw what I think we all need to do? Just on our own, I think we should take photos from our highest weight or from our WW start weight and couple them with like monthly photos so we can see an obvious difference. I don't know about y'all, but the person I see in the mirror is not the same as the person I see in photos. So maybe if we have these photos lined up next to each other, we can see our progress better.

Maggie, we all have really bad days. I'm just waiting for mine these days, lol. But I'm really glad that you've recognized your old habits and how destructive they are--it'll help you create new habits. And remember that your sistas here are very supportive of you and we're all so proud of you for continuing on the program!

Everyone: here's to days when we fall down and scrape our knees, followed by moments upon moments when we pick ourselves up and keep on running!

~Amanda

[Lizzyg]

(((Maggie))) I also understand what you mean. When I would binge, I would hide what I was eating too. I just don't want to do that anymore. It IS easier to not count, and to just eat whatever, and that is my constant battle every day. To just take the easy way out.

(((more hugs)))

And I like the idea of having pictures here too We should make a new sticky with Pictures

~Liz

[iowasteph2]

Hugs!! The other ladies have said it quite eloquently. My thoughts are with you, and I know that you have the power to get through this.

[MaggieShines]

so much for all your support. You guys really mean the world to me! What happy happenstance that brought us all together. I talked about 3FatChicks and the Slimmin Sistas at my meeting on Saturday. I thought maybe we'd get some new folks from Philly.