:c ookie:
Ughhh! I had a migraine starting at work. Leaving work both my kids had screaming meltdowns. DD threw herself on the floor in a giant hissy. I had 7 bags to carryout between my stuff and thiers. Neither kid would help, just screamed. They didn't nap. So they fell alseep in the car. DH brought them in for me and put them on the couch. All is good. I kick back in the recliner after taking a perscription with codiene. He leaves to go play farmer. The kids sleep until 7:15. Then they litterally wake up screaming. We're talking Skull peircing screaming. I try to sooth them, I try to distract them. I ask what we should have for dinner. OMG all heck broke loose. DD wants one thing DS wants another, I make other suggestions to comprimise. They just scream and scream and scream. So I offer a snack (am I engraining emotional eating into their psychies?). But they scream and scream and scream. Especially DS. He might be sick. He might be tired. I offer comfort, he pushes away he wants his Daddy. Who is 6 miles away fixing his dad's truck.
All I know is I am so far on the edge that I am afraid I'm gonna lose my temper. So I eat cookies. I ate 8 of them. I inhaled 8 of them. Anything to bring my mind off the noise. I don't know what to do. I am frustrated, lonley, overwhelmed, depressed. Food is the only way I cope these days. I can't make it through the day without a binge like this. I don't know why the kids do this. I don't know where I am going wrong. But right now food is how I cope. I fear my anger. I have broken things in my frustration b/c I don't know how to cope. I don't want to do that with my kids so food is how I keep in check. I try to talk to the dr. They kind of blow me off. They did give me some pills that made me a zombie and DH ragged on me about them. The other dr gave me an antidepressant, but he took me off it.
I know alot of people have crappy lives and jerky husbands and in the scheme of the world mine's not that bad. We all have vices, we all have annoying habits that get on the nerves of those around us. But I cleaned all day yesterday. I got so much done. Then I baked cookies and brownies for the family b/c they had been asking for months. I had dinner on the table, I cleaned up dinner. DH knows I need the house cleaned, he knows I need the chicken coop finished. And he sat on the couch all evening. We all need those days so I didn't complain. I did ask him to wash the kids hair for me while I cleaned up the kitchen. He didn't. I let them play in the tub while I watched tv too, hoping he'd follow through on doing it when he said he would. Still no hair washing. Finally at 9:15 I did it.
I don't know what to do. I don't know how to cope without eating. It's that or put my fist threw the wall. I am ready to walk out. I am a lazy housewife. I am not a great cleaner, I am not neat or organized, but I get the job done. DH spends more time worrying about what is going on across the road than worrying about what is going on in his own house. I am tired. I can tell my kids are stressed out. I feel like a single parent most of the time. I don't even like my husband anymore. Maybe I am asking too much of him. Maybe I expect too much. I don't know.
SOrry for venting. I just needed an outlet. I have to go stir dinner.