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jiffypop 12-19-2013 08:28 PM

this article really hit home with me
 
We who have surgery have taken a drastic step - and a one-way journey. unless we have a band, we can't undo the surgery. IMO, once we've had surgery, we've truly done every single thing we possibly could to control our weight.

And when do we understand that 'it's enough,' that even if we don't achieve our goal weight, it's time to simply do the best we can and enjoy our lives as they are.

https://medium.com/human-parts/bf5111e68cc1

In short, when do we love ourselves, even if we're not tiny?

joefla70 12-19-2013 08:51 PM

Interesting article. I've seem many similar type articles. There definitely seems to be a movement against fat-loathing... which is good! But we walk a fine line between acceptance and apathy. If being overweight was just a matter of beauty, then this wouldn't be any problem. But as we know, as we get older, being (severely) overweight is a health problem, not just a body image issue. We should all be accepted and treated equal no matter what. But it can be dangerous to simply resign ourselves to being overweight. My kids have started to go down that road. And while I don't want to make them feel bad about themselves, I don't want them to be unhealthy either. Nor do I want them to be teased by other kids (as many of us were as kids).

jiffypop 12-19-2013 09:40 PM

when do we stop acting out of self-loathing/hatred and start acting out of self-love? In general, we're far kinder and gentler with everyone other than ourselves. we would NEVER emotionally beat up a friend who ate a piece of cake as the first 'diet break' in a month. We wouldn't call that person a fat pig, or out of control, or all sorts of other hateful, judgemental names. Yet, we often do that to ourselves.

and WE LET OTHERS OUT THERE do this to us so that sometimes all we hear is 'you're a horrible failure, fatfatfat, worthless, shouldn't be allowed to work, or appear in public,' etc, etc, etc.

There's a huge difference between giving up and self-acceptance. And self-acceptance includes embracing both the great points of ourselves AND the areas in which we can improve.

just my two cents.

nationalparker 12-19-2013 10:20 PM

Thank you, Jiffypop. This is powerful. Your above post is well-stated. The author's words spoke strongly - I remember my mom's statement when I was young, that she couldn't wear a particular coat because she'd look like a potato sack tied in the middle. I didn't understand that - we didn't really HAVE potato sacks. I remembered it as just a potato tied in the middle and thought it referred to the brown color of the coat. But I also remember my father saying the one exercise she needed to do was to just push herself back from the table. And I tell myself that - just add in pushing myself from the table. It's amazing what we carry forward.

Jane 12-20-2013 03:47 PM

Very thought-provoking article, Jiff.
So true, what you said about a big difference between giving up and self-acceptance. Thanks for sharing.

diamondgeog 12-21-2013 08:51 AM

Wow. Not even considering weight loss surgery. Was just looking around. My daughter is three so very worthwhile read for me. For understanding what she might face and give her healthy self worth.

I am constantly amazed at how much individuals blame themselves. Yes I or anyone had to make better choices to get healthy. But it was very empowering to me to realize how bad our food system is, how awful the foods and advertising are. How bad the food pyramid is in many ways.

Ironic all this pressure to be thin when there is fast food on every corner. Where are the farmer's stands on every corner?

pamatga 12-21-2013 12:13 PM

I too have never had GBS nor have I had a desire for it but this topic did intrigue so I read both the article and all of your comments. I had a similar experience with my Mom. It took her dying and then me having the space to reflect on our troubled relationship to realize that she was told by her mother that she would be an old maid so she married at age 17 to prove her own mother wrong. Luckily, it was to the right person. However, she always struggled with her stocky figure.

When Mom was in the nursing home, as she was dying from so many different complications (too many to list), for the first time in my life she was a "normal" weight. Her diabetes had disappeared. She did look good for someone that was dying but I asked my Dad if she had ever been "thin" and he said "No" and the thought had never occurred to him to care one way or the other. He was as in love with her the last year of her life as he was the first time they met. He was devastated when she got sick and when she died. He collapsed on more than one occasion from sheer emotion. They were married 56 years. He still brought her red roses to her ICU even though hospital regulations wouldn't allow them to be in her room. The nurses were "infatuated" with my Dad. He is a true romantic at heart.

However, my Mom never loved or accepted herself. Yes, I do think she too grew up with a critical mother who had "men problems" of her own. We pass a lot of our "stuff" down to our children. It just keeps on going and going.

I was always naturally thin growing up but I wanted to be thinner because Twiggy was the height of fashion in the 1960s and she was bone thin. I starved all day and then fell asleep while doing my homework because my body was exhausted from meager food. When I got pregnant and the hormones kicked in and I had a real appetite, I gained 68 lbs. My first husband wouldn't touch me. I realized that I was unattractive to him for the first time and it was the first rejection I had received regarding my body. I did lose all of that weight and I was a size 8 on my daughter's first birthday but as you all know the minute you go on your first diet, you are almost doomed to keep it up because it does change your metabolism. IMO.

I married my second husband when I was at the high end of normal but by that time I had a dysfunctional relationship with food. This was a disastrous mistake from almost the "I dos" and I quickly began to associate extra food with comforting myself. However, like many overweight people, I saw how it also protected me from all of the pain and hurt that I was feeling. By the time I had gained 80 lbs from the time that we had met, he was already going behind my back and telling his family members that if I didn't lose the extra weight he was going to divorce me. He was an ambitious lawyer and he had political aspirations. I was a liability socially and professionally to him. That is when the real self-hatred began. He spent a lot of money on me for me to follow a lot of expensive weight loss programs. I lost then regained.

I divorced both of these men. I neither had the money or resources at the time that I asked them to leave. All I knew was that I was hurting so bad that I felt like I was bleeding on the inside. You have to hurt badly to ask your breadwinner to pack his bags and go but I did.

That was the starting point for me. I went into therapy. I realized that besides all of the negative and critical people that I had seemed to "attract" in my life, I also needed to face the sexual abuse I had endured during my childhood and youth. I learned to live on my own, even if it was on a very reduced income from disability. I met a new man 7 years after that second marriage had ended. We fell in love and we married 3 years later. He met me when I was 264 lbs. Initially, I do think my weight was an issue to him but as he got to know me, I knew we were both genuinely in love.

Sadly, I carried a lot of emotional baggage with me. I remember thinking that I didn't have the "right" to find new love and happiness. I had too many scars that needed to be healed. However, he has been a very patient man. He told me recently that he has cried about my past life. I love him for that.

It has taken me a long time and quite a journey to get to this place where I am at now. Like joe mentioned: I now need to lose weight for health reasons. I am pre-diabetic, it was even affecting my eyesight, my B/P has been extremely high, I have crippling arthritis and I have had female problems for decades. Now, I am losing the weight for one reason only: my health.

However, I do believe that the one thing that was lacking before when I attempted to lose weight which I have recently discovered is that I lacked the faith in myself that I was both worth putting this much time and energy into but also that it was the most loving thing that I could do for myself.

The good thing about growing older is that at some point you stop caring what other people think or think about you and then you really turn your attention on yourself. Maybe, I just needed to get to this place to be able to do that. I don't know. I went through a period of grieving over "what could have been" but then when I started working on loving myself, I realized that I was more than just a number on the scales.

So, working on self-acceptance has to be a part of the weight issue if you and I are ever going to come to terms with our body images, self-worth and ultimately self-love.

I respect each and everyone of you in the choices that you have made for yourself. It is not easy to turn a deaf ear nor blind eye to all of the cultural "persuasions" out there. Hopefully, you will be like me and when you become an older person, you will realize that what you thought, said and did matters more than anyone else's opinions, statements or actions....in fact, it always did.

Pam

pixelllate 12-26-2013 04:33 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by pamatga (Post 4903453)
I respect each and everyone of you in the choices that you have made for yourself. It is not easy to turn a deaf ear nor blind eye to all of the cultural "persuasions" out there. Hopefully, you will be like me and when you become an older person, you will realize that what you thought, said and did matters more than anyone else's opinions, statements or actions....in fact, it always did.

Pam

Wow Pam...that was a beautiful post. Made me think of my own experiences. I am in my 20s, so I guess that that doesn't make me an "older" person, but I no longer speak to my narcissist family and I can't believe how empowered I feel in comparison to me a few years ago. Heck, looking at past posts shocks me. It is a slow process to work through the emotions and sometimes, I still feel insecure and scared, but reading this helped believe in myself more. :^:

dcapulet 01-03-2014 10:14 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by jiffypop (Post 4902723)
when do we stop acting out of self-loathing/hatred and start acting out of self-love? In general, we're far kinder and gentler with everyone other than ourselves. we would NEVER emotionally beat up a friend who ate a piece of cake as the first 'diet break' in a month. We wouldn't call that person a fat pig, or out of control, or all sorts of other hateful, judgemental names. Yet, we often do that to ourselves.

and WE LET OTHERS OUT THERE do this to us so that sometimes all we hear is 'you're a horrible failure, fatfatfat, worthless, shouldn't be allowed to work, or appear in public,' etc, etc, etc.

There's a huge difference between giving up and self-acceptance. And self-acceptance includes embracing both the great points of ourselves AND the areas in which we can improve.

just my two cents.

Jiffy, this is beautifully said. A professor once told me that when dealing with patients, know this: "No matter how 'good' or 'bad' someone is acting, they are doing the very best they can do for that moment." I've used that when I was inclined to be mean to myself about a mistake or slip up - it's helped me regard myself with more kindness, and helped me change my life.

DCJ 01-05-2014 07:11 AM

There are many options out there - it should be a last resort - and a well thought out one.... best of luck to you.

Mozzy 01-10-2014 01:24 PM

Interesting article, thank you for posting it.

Jen 01-14-2014 11:10 PM

I've read this before, can't think of where though. It's interesting when I think back to my relationship with my mom and how she perceived her own weight. I can't think that she ever said anything to me about her own self perceptions, she had plenty to say about my weight but nothing about her own. She was never really overweight, she smoked and I think that helped control the weight for her. Looking at pictures I expect she was probably about 20 lbs overweight but it never really was an issue for her. I don't think that I have ever said anything in front of my own kids about my weight. I'd never say anything about feeling fat and ugly (if I did feel that way, which to be honest I have, who hasn't?) because I CAN remember all the things my mom said to me about my weight and my experience is that any negativity is going to be remember long, long after anything positive (unfortunate but true).

What I find so incredibly ironic is that the north American population is probably 40-50% overweight, if not more, but we idolize celebrities that are unhealthily skinny and run each other down about weight. In a facebook page group that I belong to a woman related how a coworker told her that others were calling her a fat a$$ behind her back even though she has in fact lost well over 150 lbs. Why??? Why say that to begin with and why did the coworker feel the need to pass that on? I can't understand it.

I think in the grand scheme of things we need to take a mind your own business when it comes to other people's weight and stop being so judgemental about our own weight. The goal is not to be super skinny or have a hard body, the goal is to be healthy.

KO 01-15-2014 09:37 AM

Hi Ladies:
I read this letter a few months ago and it really hit home with me! my little girl is almost 1 and I don't want her to hear me talk about myself the way my mom talks about herself. In fact I'm trying to change the way my mom talks about herself. I'm working to lose my baby weight but I never want her to see me do extreme things to lose or talk about me being fat. I had RNY and had just as many body issues thin as I had voluptuous.
I'm learning to love and be kind to myself so that my daughter won't learn from a bad example


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