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Old 11-08-2009, 06:45 PM   #1
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Hi everyone,

I've (i'm sure like a few of us) always struggled with my weight and now is not much different than 15 years ago. the only real difference now is that my husband does not like it and it is a strain on our marriage. When we were first dating i knew he wasnt happy with my then 200 LBS but now i am 250 and it's getting worse. the more we argue about it the more i dont eat in front of him just to sneak and eat later. He is an athletic guy enjoys running and soccer..the whole nine yards. He just cant understand nor get it through his head that at least not now i cant run with him. To be honest i'm embaressed not just in front of him but the other joggers as well. I dont want him comparing me to the others (like i would). Ok i guess i should get to my point...point is that ive decided after speaking to my Dr.to get the lapband. i meet the critera and my insurance will thankfully cover it. So anyway he was supporting me in my decision and just as excited as i was untill he found out that i'm (to save having an arguement) at 240 instead of being honest with him and telling him my true weight. Now he says that nothing wil work for me and i just dont want to be thinner that i must be happy fat. and also that he dosent want to hear one thing about my surgury because NOTHING will work for me.I should add that he wasnt upset about the lie...only the weight. I know that he isnt 100% wrong he's right that i'm not putting forth as much effort as i could be.... but thanks anyway for letting me vent.
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Old 11-08-2009, 07:55 PM   #2
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You have a lot going on.

Good luck with your surgery. My insurance won't even cover a dr. appt. if we talk about obesity.
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Old 11-08-2009, 08:39 PM   #3
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Hi Waelmiee,

I'm sorry your having such a hard time with your DH... its tough enough battling weight by yourself. I know when I had my psych evaluation one of the questions they asked me was if my DH supported this decision (which he did) and did he support me. I wonder if they would have approved me if I had said no. Maybe some counseling is needed before your surgery, after all, your going to need all the support you can get and if its not from your DH then who? No sense starting this journey off on the wrong foot.

Good luck hon

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Old 11-09-2009, 07:49 AM   #4
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I'm sorry you're going through so much!

I honestly believe the best first step might be to seek some couples counseling. You really need him to support you in this (or any major life event, weight-related or not), and he clearly has some deep-seated issues with weight and obesity that are making him so negative toward you. Any WLS, even the "least invasive" band, is a huge event and will have physical, physiological, and emotional impacts that you will need him to understand and support you through.
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Old 11-09-2009, 09:45 AM   #5
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I'm so sorry your husband is not supportive. Do you have a support group through your surgeon so that you can get the support you need?

I hope your husband comes around.
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Old 11-09-2009, 10:14 AM   #6
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Hello wael

Yes---this non-support issue needs to be taken care of soon. What I am seeing you write is practically verbal abuse. This will NOT get better if you lose weight.

Ok so let's say you lose the weight, then he will just put you down, sending you into an emotional downturn that makes you stuff yourself all over again?
Please consider counseling. This is bad energy.
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Old 11-09-2009, 11:26 AM   #7
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I just logged on and read all of the replies and I just wanted to say Thank You.
I donít have ANYONE to talk to about this or anything else but thatís my fault I donít want to bring my family and friends into this because first I donít want them to think badly of him and second if he found out I was talking about ďprivate family mattersĒ it would cause a lot of problems. I've mentioned seeing a counselor but in his culture that is UNHEARD of and a disgrace. Other than wishing that I could wear thigh high boots when I was in my 20ís my weight has never been such a huge distress for me. In August I had a miscarriage at 10 weeks and according to him and his Mother it was strictly because of my weight. I was heavy when I had my first daughter in 2000 and she was born healthy beautiful and smart. Both I and my OBGYN told him that it happens it was cellular and possibly because of my RH negative blood. But they still wonít let it go. It is hard enough dealing with the loss and then on top of it have to feel guilty and defensive. Here I go again.. itís just that Iíve been waiting along time to get this off of my chest.
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Old 11-09-2009, 11:58 AM   #8
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Also do this for YOU not him.
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Old 11-09-2009, 12:10 PM   #9
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Quote:
Originally Posted by waelmiee View Post
I just logged on and read all of the replies and I just wanted to say Thank You.
I donít have ANYONE to talk to about this or anything else but thatís my fault I donít want to bring my family and friends into this because first I donít want them to think badly of him and second if he found out I was talking about ďprivate family mattersĒ it would cause a lot of problems. I've mentioned seeing a counselor but in his culture that is UNHEARD of and a disgrace. Other than wishing that I could wear thigh high boots when I was in my 20ís my weight has never been such a huge distress for me. In August I had a miscarriage at 10 weeks and according to him and his Mother it was strictly because of my weight. I was heavy when I had my first daughter in 2000 and she was born healthy beautiful and smart. Both I and my OBGYN told him that it happens it was cellular and possibly because of my RH negative blood. But they still wonít let it go. It is hard enough dealing with the loss and then on top of it have to feel guilty and defensive. Here I go again.. itís just that Iíve been waiting along time to get this off of my chest.
Yes, yes! Definitely get counseling, and if there are cultural issues between you it is really important to address it in a way that respects your culture and his culture-- not just his (speaking from experience here...)

Do not try to fix the problems between you and him by getting surgery. You should only have surgery if its something you want to do yourself.
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Old 11-09-2009, 01:43 PM   #10
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See the line that ubergirl wrote:

Do not try to fix the problems between you and him by getting surgery. You should only have surgery if its something you want to do yourself.

this is SOO important - and from your writing, it sounds like you're being somewhat isolated and restricted from your friends and family [and i really hope i'm just reading too much into your postings!].

over and above everything that everyone said [and i agree with them], there's also the fact that WLS changes our relationships - because we literally swallow a lot of emotions with our food, and WLS really limits our ability to eat, we have to figure out a different way to relate to our emotions.

and it sounds like there's a lot of emotion swallowing going on in your house!

counseling for YOU at the very least would be a good idea - if hubby goes with you, so much the better. but counseling for you is essential, IMO.

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Old 11-09-2009, 01:46 PM   #11
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Well put Jiffy.
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Old 11-15-2009, 08:48 PM   #12
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Waelmiee, it sounds like you have a lot to consider before deciding to go through WLS. I agree with the others that counseling is probably in order. I also think that if your husban is unwilling to go through marital counseling that you go for yourself bc you will need to find a new means to deal with problems other than food. I think preparing yourself mentally will certainly be an advantage and will prepare to discuss your concerns with your husband. Your husband may be willing to give advice or become a work out partner if you all can reach an agreement. Be blessed!
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Old 11-16-2009, 11:09 AM   #13
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Why does your husband think 'nothing will work' just because, if I'm reading this right, you're 20lb heavier than he thought. Look at my stats. I was 30lbs heavier than you are and I'm guessing several years older. That was in May 2007. Now I'm 125lbs lighter. There's many others on this board who've succeeded who probably thought at times themselves that 'nothing will work'. If you have surgery or start any weightloss plan with the attitute that 'nothing will work' then it will be a self-fulfulling prophesy.

It will only work if you go into it fully committed and fully supported by your husband. Can he not see that his attitude is the biggest barrier to you in your weightloss journey.



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Old 11-16-2009, 02:06 PM   #14
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Waelmiee,

I am so sorry to hear this I am not sadden for you but for what your going through since i've going through the exact same thing my husband is also very atheletic he actually is a coach for a soccer league and runs every afternoon he calls me worthless pig everyday and i do the same thing you do I have never in my life ate with my family in the table there is actually no chair for me, I am more of a servant to my husband. So the day I started working out he laughed at me and when I started losing weight he told me why i did it if there was no change he also says that my cheeks are so big my eyes are hiding and so and so on. Well my point is dont listen to his idiotic thoughts or statements that actually should be your motivation...to tell you the truth he is my motivation because everytime I am doing my workout i am cussing him out and telling myself that I am going to prove him wrong. MUCH LOVE TO YOU
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Old 11-16-2009, 02:33 PM   #15
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To those of us who have (how to put this delicately??) less than sensitive husbands:

Have you ever thought that by belittling your appearance your husbands are keeping you right where they want you? Down there somewhere under their thumbs, where they can feel superior to you.

What happens if you DO succeed? When you lose weight you might suddenly find yourself losing approximately 200 pounds of headache, heartache, in divorce court.

Just a thought. . .

Your weight and weight loss is such an individual thing, it really has nothing whatsoever to do with what your husbands may think about your appearance. If you want to change yourself, for your own health and happiness, then find the strength within yourself and do whatever it takes to accomplish your goal.

Your men will adjust. Good luck!
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