What happens if you DO succeed? When you lose weight you might suddenly find yourself losing approximately 200 pounds of headache, heartache, in divorce court.
I agree- to have the person who is supposed to be partner in life treat you that way, call you fat, say you can't do anything, etc, well, that seems like maybe they really aren't the right person- not even wanting to get counseling- I mean what are you to do then? Take the abuse forever?
I guess since your hubby won't get counseling you CAN sit him down and say you really want to lose weight but the way he's talking to you is making things worse- and ask him for support. Do it at a time you are both alone, possibly after dinner, and just ask him to listen while you talk. If he starts to get mad and irate tell him that you won't speak to him if he won't listen and walk away.
You say you haven't really tried- so maybe instead of going gun ho for the surgery why not develop a workout routine and diet with your husband? Not something crazy- but change up the diet with his help- and then pick a workout you CAN follow and really try this time around- I bet if you follow the plan for a weeks (and really follow it) and he sees a difference he'll turn around and start being supportive.
And if you do lose the weight and he's not supportive then I know this is blunt- but I'd reconsider your marriage. If my husband ever called me fat or pig or said I can't do something he'd regret it. I know that's easier said than done but really you can't sit back and take abuse forever- would you want your daughter treated that way by her husband?
why not develop a workout routine and diet with your husband? Not something crazy- but change up the diet with his help- and then pick a workout you CAN follow and really try this time around- I bet if you follow the plan for a weeks (and really follow it) and he sees a difference he'll turn around and start being supportive.
I would avoid this at all costs, unless you're prepared for more criticism. Even with the most supportive husband on the planet, involving him in developing and participating in your diet and workout routine is a recipe for disaster, in my opinion. Even you developing it and giving it to him in a written form to review, so he's on the same page - also not likely to be very successful.
Men like to take charge and fix things (not all men, but a lot of them). That your husband is already being so intensely critical, I don't see him being able to support you.
Say for example you do manage to stick to your plan without deviation, you're going to feel your husband breathing down your neck about it. If you make the tiniest slip, and he notices (and God forbid starts to criticize) you're going to feel like crap. If you stick to it perfectly and he is still critical or doesn't notice, you're still going to feel like crap.
Your plan should be yours, and he should know as little about it or as much as you feel comfortable sharing knowing that his response could be supportive or critical. You need to be happy with your plan, and your behavior and progress REGARDLESS of his reaction. If you would be crushed by him pointing out that you ate a half an apple more than was on your plan -or exercised 10 minutes less than was in your plan - then definitely do not don't share the specifics with him.
You ladies with husbands or boyfriends that belittle you... all I can say is you deserve so much better, you are beautiful inside and out, don't you EVER forget that.
I just can't stand hearing stories like these...it really breaks my heart. A husband should be your partner, your soul mate, some one who lifts you (spiritually) and no matter what they should never treat you like you are less of a person b/c of your weight or any reason. Bullies pick of people who they think are weaker then them.. but what they don't realize is meekness is not weakness.
So please, do this for yourself... you deserve to be happy.
The OP herself has said she hasn't put forth as much effort as she should and since her husband's refusing counseling and I'm 99% sure she probably will not leave him due to cultural issues and backlash (and I work with a lot of women in bad relationships giving them counseling).
I made this suggestion for her to show her husband she really is going to do something about it. Even if she just talks to him and says that she is sorry she lied about her weight BUT she really is going to do something about it and wants his support and to give her time to show him her dedication, then at least that's something.
I'm sure his reactions (as wrong as I think they are) are because he has no idea how to communicate with her or has any realization about what she's going through. But he does know she hasn't really put forth much effort (by her own admission) and he is tired of being supportive with no results I am sure. Again I am not justifying his actions in any way- just offering my opinion on something that might help her situation.
Either way she knows her husband best and knows what would work for her. Get the surgery for you- but I think you should also go to counseling on your own, for your own benefit. I've known many women who have gotten counseling seperate from their spouse and found it has done them a world of good.
I'm so sorry for what you are going through I don't know your whole situation and am not going to say you are being abused because I don't know you but I would like to say this in general.
Verbal/emotional abuse is just as poisonous and dangerous and physical abuse. Nobody would say to a woman who was getting beat up to stay and try to work it out. If you are being verbally abused by your partner, staying doesn't make you a "good" person. Sadly, the person who is being emotionally and/or verbally abused generally doesn't realize the extent it affects their core and their person until they are out of the situation and attempt to pick up the pieces.
This was my experience. It took me almost 2 yrs after leaving this type of relationship to really begin believing in myself again. It's part of why my weight became so out of control. I believed everything he said to me.
First off--personally, I absolutely at a bare minimum MUST be comfortable in my own home. It was and still is my true refuge. I cannot imagine living in an environment 24/7 walking on egg shells, feeling ashamed and embarrassed or whatever. Have you tried telling him how truly damaging his comments and lack of support are? Does he know the more he comments, the more you will eat?
I don't understand why he cares about you lying about your weight. Most women do that--to themselves and to others. I guess it's like the age thing. But really--who cares.
When I complained about my weight (and it was for years) my hubby's standard response was, "I will help you in any way I can." Well, I finally took him up on that offer and continue to, to this day. Maybe ask your hubby for the same? His willingness to do WHATEVER it takes to get you to a better place--more fit, more healthy, happier with way you move and look.
After all, if you were drowning would he swim away or would he stop to help you get ashore?
You know what you do? You start your journey--however you are gonna do it. SWIM LIKE **** GIRL! Turn yourself into a total HAWTTIE and shake it like a salt shakah. In my honest opinion, if he isn't there for you at your worst, why do you want him there at your best?
Have to be blunt but the word "DIVORCE" sounds really good here. I couldn't live with someone who constantly belittled me and then blamed me for a miscarriage.....Maybe just plain ole defective sperm was at work there.
You are worth so much more than this sweetie! Do this for yourself and take care of yourself along the way. Life is too short to surround ourselves with jerks.
Do it for yourself and drop the bum! If he really loved you he would stand with you not in front of you!
I had a supportive at first wife and the deep hurt in me caused by her not standing by my side has killed my marriage. She told me 4 hours after surgery that I would get thin and leave her. Well she was right! ONLY BECAUSE SHE DID NOT SUPPORT ME after the surgery. I started my journey at 440 lbs and it was life or death. I begged for over 2.5 years for her to go with me to support group meetings, do things activley together and the more I asked for my 50% of the marriage to support me the more she pushed me away. Well now after lossing 227 lbs and being very active I dont have time for her bs anymore. I need to live my life for me and someone should love me for whom I am. She chose not to accompany me in my journey. I am mentally hurt deeply from this and have chosen to find someone that WANTS TO BE MY PARTNER. Our life together was good but my issues needed to be dealt with as me being first in my life and taking a back seat to nobody. I am by far not a selfish person. I have a huge heart and still lover her as a person but she can not be my backbone to lean on when I need and still need it. I have found someone that is active lots in common and has a heart of GOLD. Bottom line is a marriage is 50/50 anything less in not acceptible. I bent like a stick for over the last 2.5 years and now the stick is broken and can not be repaired even after 8 sessions of marriage counseling. Sorry my story is not the happiest but is the truth. Smile and love yourself.
So basically, he is suffering from buyers remorse? Now? He got you at 200 15 years ago and now is pissed off because you are 240? He Knew he was getting a woman of your size and wanted you to morph into some other form to satisfy him? What can I say, when you look at it the way I just said it, he seems like a dirtbag. Since you are married, I assume you love him. It could be that you should go to a marriage councellor and both give up what you are hiding from each other. Maybe that will help.
I don't know your whole situation and am not going to say you are being abused because I don't know you but I would like to say this in general.
