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My daughter blames me for her thinness

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Old 11-21-2006, 03:50 PM   #1
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Default My daughter blames me for her thinness

My daughter has never been an ounce overweight in her entire life. She weighed 4 lb 5 oz at birth. She's in her mid/late 30s now and is struggling to put on weight. She has fibromyalgia and some other issues.

I don't know why it's my fault. We had dinner at the table every night. I seldom did the fast food thing. (Family dinner can be quite difficult with 2 daughters PMSing at the same time). I made what I thought was healthy food. (It probably wasn't healthy for me with my weight, but they were growing girls w/out weight problems).

In her teens, she wanted to be 97 lbs. She didn't want to weigh 100 lbs. I told her that she should eat her meals, lay off the junk food and get her exercise. 97 lbs for her was unhealthy. She is only 5' 4" but 97 lbs is too little.

Now she's got teens of her own who are now going through this "I've gotta be rail thin" phase. She doesn't see it as healthy. YIPPEEEE! However, she's telling me that I didn't put my foot down enough and MAKE her eat!

I told her that there was no way I could follow her around all day and cram food down her throat. I provided food and she ate at home. What she did during the day was out of my hands.

What's a loving way to tell her to SHUT UP AND STOP BLAMING OTHER PEOPLE FOR EVERYTHING THAT IS WRONG IN YOUR LIFE!

Yeah, I'm a bit upset.

TIA
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Old 11-21-2006, 04:31 PM   #2
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If my mother were in your position, she would tell me what you put in bold. Seriously.

Honestly, tell her what you just said. Maybe in a nicer way, but the only way she is going to get the point is if you be honest with her.
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Old 11-21-2006, 05:15 PM   #3
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Tell her it's no more your fault than her daughter's problems will be her fault when they have teenagers
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Old 11-21-2006, 05:23 PM   #4
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I would tell her that you did the very best that you could with what you knew at the time. That you loved her and everything you did was to benefit her. I would also tell her that there comes a point in one's life when you must take responsibility for your own problems. Oh it never gets easier does it?
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Old 11-21-2006, 06:16 PM   #5
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I would say the same, you did the very best you knew how to do. You can say you're sorry she feels let down but as an adult now she can make her own decisions and ones she thinks are better for her family. Then change the subject.
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Old 11-21-2006, 06:24 PM   #6
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Same as what's been said. Just remember, after that, if she brings it up, DO NOT ENGAGE IN DEBATE ON THE SUBJECT. Just pretend she didn't say anything. Change the subject. Go back to what you were talking about before. Just ignore the question/statement/demand/whatever. People can't argue with you if you won't argue with them.
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Old 11-22-2006, 10:36 AM   #7
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My mother has been 110 pounds all my life, which is healthy at her height of 5'2 and I'd say she set a good example in that regard. One of the things I'm most grateful for is that weight was never made into a big issue. I was never made to feel guilty for having seconds. Food was never forced on me, nor was it ever denied. I definitely do not blame my mother for my being overweight (I know I have the opposite problem as your daughter, but I think it still applies).

I would hope your daughter has (and had back then) enough common sense to know what is and is not healthy. You were showing her respect by allowing her to make her own decisions, as long as she was healthy. 97 lbs. is very tiny, but I don't know how she carries it. I'm also 5'4," but I would probably look like death at that weight.

To play devil's advocate: Anyone who's 5'4" tall and weighs less than 108 lbs. meets the physical criteria for anorexia. I don't know your daughter's eating habits. Maybe she did starve herself, but hid it well; I don't know. A parent can put (force) his/her child into medical care for anorexia until she is 18 years old.

You might want to ask if she felt she was suffering from anorexia. That seems like a good starting point for discussion (if a discussion is what you want). If she wasn't, then yes, tell her nicely what you wrote in bold letters. If she was, then maybe you can explore the issues surrounding that. I have a little experience with disordered eating, and I know it can be a very sensitive topic. If your granddaughters are dangerously underweight, itís your daughterís responsibility to determine whether or not they should speak to a physician.
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Old 11-23-2006, 04:58 PM   #8
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If this help you, daughter blame her mother for a lot of stuffs. I personally blame my mom for being overweight. She always have been with a lot of overweight and when a i was little i was teased in school because i had a "fat mom", kids make my life imposible. So that plus my depression is my state now. Now i understand that is not my mom`s fault, but my psycologist make me think that.
The true is that i love my mom and fat or thin she is great
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