lipidful, I like reading people's stories. I'm nosy like that... hehe
I haven't lost any friends yet mainly because the 12 or so lbs I have lost so far have been the 12 or so lbs I gained due to school stress. I'm STILL 15-20 lbs overweight so I guess I shouldn't worry yet. My friends are on the small - tiny side so they *shouldn't* have a problem with my weight loss. In fact, both of them are runners and when I tell them of my little accomplishments (with running), they're both incredibly supportive. One of them even pointed out that I looked like I had lost weight and this was before I said anything about the running! Not to make you feel bad, Yael (and others), but you need to make new friends. These are not worth your time and effort. You're better off being their aquaintances.
Aimee -- I was really touched by what you said. I think the meaningful friendships our moms had are disappearing. I'm a single mom who works full time, goes to grad school part time, and tries to be healthy example to my son. I don't scrapbook, brag about my man, or obsess about my son's progress in pee-wee football. Where I live, that's what the women do. And when you stop and tink about it, all that attention is on someone else. The kids, the hubby. Where are their goals? You should have heard the ribbing I took at work when I started biking, and making exercise a priority.
I love feminism. I love that I can pay my own bills, live in my own house, and care for my own child. I make my own choices, and live with the consequences. It's a ton of work -- but I have freedoms my mom can't even imagine.
If loosing false friends is a price I have to pay, seems like its worth it to be healthy and energetic.
It really is sad, where feminism has gotten these days. I'm 21, so I'm part of the...what are we now, third wave? Fourth?...anyway, I'm of the new generation of feminists, and really...it bugs me. I talk to other women, other college-educated women, who are buying into the patriarchal backlash over feminism. The accusations of man-hating. The continuing ideal of focusing on everyone else first. What happened to being our own people? What happened to independence and equality? Suddenly it's more about being sexy than being independent, and competing with other women more than being equals with everyone. It's really depressing, I've actually had arguments with other young women that we shouldn't call it "feminism" anymore, we should call it "equalism". Huh? Last I checked, men had it pretty damn good. Women were the ones trying to work their way up to equality. No, it's NOT about men. It's about women. Deal with it. Don't pander to insecure people who can't stand the idea of change in the way the world views gender.
Ahem. Stepping off my soapbox now. I guess the point is, women are really conditioned in our society to be jealous of each other, and competitive with each other. It keeps us from being competitive with men pretty effectively, after all. I had an experience with a friend in middle school...she was heavier than I was, and the first time I dared to wear a tank top to school, she wouldn't speak to me. Later she said she felt "left behind" because I was presenting myself as attractive but she couldn't.
Yael, keep looking. You'll find other women out there who don't buy into the jealousy thing. We do exist, trust me!
Not just friends, try family. It DOES make a difference, in both parties. For one, I want to eat healthy, so I always pick places with healthy fare. Now my mother, she's Tudor's Biscuit World this and Tudor's that. She claims it's because it's cheap and they can't afford Applebees. But where do they go with the pastor when I'm not with them? Yeah...Applebees. And she always does the "One time won't hurt" bit. Friends too. They sabotage because they are partly jealous, and because well...they haven't changed THEIR lifestyle. But...we have. And so it makes it hard on the relationship because we're different than we were. We eat at different places now. We don't do McD's anymore. Whereas we had no problems with it previously and that's where our friends/family want to go. So it makes the relationship hard from both ends and not just from those who aren't losing weight. I find I'm gravitating more towards smaller friends myself. Why? Because they're more likely to hit the park with me. They're the gals who show up to aerobics. They're the ones who love going to Ruby's for the salad bar. So they're the ones I'm more likely to hang out with.
I agree that family can be the worst. Last yr. at Thanksgiving dinner we had about 35 people present at my sisters. While everyone was making their plates, I waited to make mine. My brother said "lily, you better get in here before the food is all gone". My sister piped right up and said "oh, just save her a piece of lettuce, that's all she eats". Now, that is just down right jealousy IMHO.
I think YP1 is right .... it isn't just about jealousy. If a person loses weight, suddenly the friend (if they are overweight themselves) has lost an eating buddy. Like alcoholics who do not want their friends to be sober. They feel like they are out of control because of the friends decision to lose weight.
Well thin friends and family can also feel threatened... if they are used to you being fat and themselves being the attractive one at the center of attention... this can become a real problem for them.
With overweight friends/family they can be jealous but also you become a reminder of all the things they are doing wrong. Seeing you be successful can remind them of their own failings and issues.
Funny about the family thing. My sister has always been the thin one. I finally (after about 15 years) got to a smaller size than her. When I offered to give her a couple of pairs of bluejeans that were practically new, she yelled at me.
My dad is really happy. He hated me bing fat. It used to drive him up a wall. My son wants me to keep going. He says "your're just a little bit fat now, Mum". Gotta love the honesty of a 7 year old boy.
I remember reading about this in the Oprah magazine awhile ago. The thing is, everyone has an established "place" in the network of people. Everyone is pretty comfortable. It's a pattern. We know how these people all relate to each other and to us. It's safe.
But when someone makes big changes to herself - like losing weight - that suddenly shakes up the whole system. Now we have to relearn how we interact, what the power balance is, etc. That tends to make people feel unsettled, unsafe. This translates into crankiness, jealousy, and often sabotaging efforts, because if you sabotage someone into staying where they've always been...then you don't have to change anything.
It really makes sense. Luckily my family's been supportive...and I don't have very many friends, so I'm not too worried about that.
If you can remember that people who are unhappy with your success are unhappy with themselves, and not you, really, it's easier to take. It happens all the time, and I'm sorry it's happened with your friends. If you look at your relationships with these people, you have probably put up with bad, inconsiderate attitudes from them about other things but you forgave them, and let it go.
Some of your stories about losing friends makes me sad. I really hope it doesn't turn out that way for me and my best friend.
When I first started losing weight at the beginning of summer, my best friend (who's a size 5) started acting funny around me... almost like she was being threatened or challenged. And I remember at graduation/grad nite when we were discussing weight issues with some friends of ours, I brought up that I was working on losing weight and one of our guy friends randomly blurted out that I'd be "the hottest" once I lost weight (which is sort of a compliment but it made me sad that I can't be hot and chubby ) After that day, I've been losing weight consistently, and our friendship is good but I can tell she's not 100% supportive of me. We've been the hot girl and chubby, shy best friend combo for as long as I can remember and I don't think she's ready for that change.
It is sad that others can't be happy for you, but it is in the end their problem. You need to have people around that you can get and give suport to without having to watch what you say.
Like one of the other ladies here said with your new life style you will meet people that you can relate to.
And change can be good .
You are doing the best thing for you and it be good for your family as well. So enjoy
We are raised from early childhood with the concept that we are CHOSEN - men do the choosing. That makes all other women our competition. Even those who are married, lesbian, uninterested in men, whatever....every woman is a competitor. Since we are emotional fighters (as opposed to physical), we intuitively know how to hurt our competition the most -- attack their desirability. Sad, sad, sad...but true.
I think that the people who resent my weight loss do feel threatened by me. About 5 years ago, I went from 263 to 155 and got divorced. I went from being someone that people relied on at work to someone who was now a threat to the single women and a constant reminder to the overweight women that if I could do it, there was nothing stopping them from doing it too. I was asked if I was using coke by my manager, because the rumor mill was rampant (The rumor was started by a former friend of mine who was morbidly obese). I also heard that I was bulimic and that I had had bypass surgery. It makes me sad to think about how badly those women must have felt about themselves to go after me like that.
Now I'm back on track after pregnancy and other issues, down from 227 to 165 - and it's begun again. I don't even work at the same business any more and I am STILL being talked about! I figure it's out of my hands and as my mother taught me years ago, "Living well is the best revenge".
I think it is all about relationships. When you have a friend, you have established a certain balance. Once you change (divorce, lose weight, move, get married, have kids, NOT have kids, etc.) the balance is disturbed. Some handle it better than others. Some have hidden agendas. Sometimes friendships have to go for your health!
I have experienced a "friend" say "Look at you! You aren't supposed to look better than ME! Or US [we were in a group]!" Needless to say, I don't hear from her at all, and she only lives three blocks away.
I have had a "friend" tell me that we couldn't be friends anymore as she only picks friends who are heavier than her.
These weren't real friends. Sigh. Not much else to add, other than it would be easier in some ways to regain the weight. NOT an option!!! What a dilemma!
My friends are on the small - tiny side so they *shouldn't* have a problem with my weight loss. In fact, both of them are runners and when I tell them of my little accomplishments (with running), they're both incredibly supportive. One of them even pointed out that I looked like I had lost weight and this was before I said anything about the running! Not to make you feel bad, Yael (and others), but you need to make new friends. These are not worth your time and effort. You're better off being their aquaintances.
) After that day, I've been losing weight consistently, and our friendship is good but I can tell she's not 100% supportive of me. We've been the hot girl and chubby, shy best friend combo for as long as I can remember and I don't think she's ready for that change.
It is sad that others can't be happy for you, but it is in the end their problem. You need to have people around that you can get and give suport to without having to watch what you say.
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