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Old 11-01-2006, 11:08 PM   #1
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Unhappy My boyfriends thoughts...

I brought it on myself. I asked the question that I probably didn't want an honest answer to.

I was talking to my bf online, and I basically asked him if I was fat. He said I wasn't skinny, but I wasn't fat. That's an acceptable enough answer. But I was stupid and pressed on.

I asked if I was unattractively fat and after dodging the question a bit he answered "for most men, you are too big"

I shouldn't have asked. Its not that I didn't already know the answer, but seeing it there in black and white.... I just didn't expect it to sting as much as it did

I cant be mad at him for answering honestly. Especially when I pressed for an answer. And I appreciate that he said "for most men" implying that for him I was ok...

But dang... I didn't expect the answer to hurt that much
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Old 11-01-2006, 11:20 PM   #2
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Sorry, that sounds very hurtful to me. I think the correct response would have been, "For me, you are perfect". I know he was trying to give you an honest answer, but sometimes (often) men just don't THINK.
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Old 11-01-2006, 11:22 PM   #3
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update:

I asked him if he thought i was fat.

he said kinda.

I'm crushed.


It was stupid to ask.


I'm going to bed.
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Old 11-01-2006, 11:41 PM   #4
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Ouch. This is one of those irritating areas where men and women differ so much. Lilybelle is right, he probably thought he was doing the right thing and trying to be honest without hearing how DUMB he was being.

On the flipside, that's a bit of a tricky position to put him in. The "Do you think I'm fat" question is a double-edged sword for men, and thus universally hated. My guy friends have whined and whined about this one. They also hate "Do you think she's pretty?"

I say ignore the butthead for now. Are you feeling better about yourself? Are you doing this for you? Do you think you're attractive? This is all what's important. If you need to hear something from him, you might have to pull him aside and give him a few pointers on how he can be honest, and not crush you at the same time. (If you figure this one out let me know, we can write a book and make MILLIONS!!!!)

Again, . Feel better!
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Old 11-01-2006, 11:41 PM   #5
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I struggle with this one, too. My boy is very honest. Sometimes too blunt.

He is so proud of me for choosing to lose weight. He says that the dedication and the persistence is very attractive. He praises me in so many ways. He loves on me, he encourages me, he says I am more beautiful than any woman he saw on his weekend vacation. He says that I am looking great as I lose weight, but that I have always been very pretty.

Even with all of this, though. He does occasionally mention my "chubbiness."

Sigh... my mind knows how much he cares for me, and that he does find me attractive. but that little word can be so hard.

But here is what is different than times past. I am proud of me. I am learning to know and love my body, and as much as I want him to find me insanely attractive, that is just icing on the cake.
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Old 11-02-2006, 12:25 AM   #6
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wow did that hit my spot, i hate that too. i hate thinking about how small my boy's ex's were and here i am the size of two of them . its so depressing. i still havent learned to handle the chubby comment . he doesnt even worry about other guys hitting on me , that hurts ,i think he thinks im too fat for anyone else to want me. just push on i guess. and work to be happy with yourself thats all that keeps me sane
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Old 11-02-2006, 02:10 AM   #7
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I used to wonder this too, and often pressed my bf. He never gave in, ever. Thank goodness. I can't imagine being with someone who could think that I'm too fat. I know that his mother often suffered from eating disorders and obsessed over food when he was a child (she divorced that guy, bf's step dad) and remained sensitive to those comments can have on a gal. I feel lucky to have my bf, but I also expect this from him. Looks fade, weight comes and goes.. the heart and soul last forever.

I also have to add... I know I'm fat, I do NOT need to hear anyone else agree with me. So while he did say you were kinda fat, you also think that.. Love yourself is my best advice.

-Aimee
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Old 11-02-2006, 02:10 AM   #8
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At least you guys have boyfriends!
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Old 11-02-2006, 06:58 AM   #9
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Here's a little something I've learned from being married for over 27 years. Be careful asking because he might answer.
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Old 11-02-2006, 07:36 AM   #10
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I would never ever EVER ask my boyfriend a question like that. If he tells me I'm not fat, he's a liar, and if he tells me I AM fat, he's a jerk--it's pretty much a lose-lose situation If I were you, I'd accept that he was trying to be honest and just let it go. After all, he was just agreeing with you anyway, right? If you didn't think you were fat, would you even have asked?

Oh, and chin up, WhitWhit--having no boyfriend is MUCH better than having a BAD boyfriend! The right one is SO worth waiting for. And the grass is always greener on the other side--there are plenty of women in relationships who at times long to enjoy the freedom of the single life again
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Old 11-02-2006, 07:45 AM   #11
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Quote:
Originally Posted by jillybean720 View Post
[color="Indigo"]I would never ever EVER ask my boyfriend a question like that. If he tells me I'm not fat, he's a liar, and if he tells me I AM fat, he's a jerk--it's pretty much a lose-lose situation If I were you, I'd accept that he was trying to be honest and just let it go. After all, he was just agreeing with you anyway, right? If you didn't think you were fat, would you even have asked?[COLOR]
That's so true. Put yourself on the other side of the question, and it kind of feels like a trap. Whenever I'm tempted to ask my boyfriend that same question, I ask myself first, what am I trying to accomplish by asking this question? Do I want him to say I'm perfect as I am? Or that I'm skinny, when I'm not? Then what? I can quit my food plan?

However, if what I'm looking for is assurance that I'm beautiful to him or that he loves me (and we all need that sometimes) there are better ways to get that out of him.
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Old 11-02-2006, 07:58 AM   #12
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Quote:
At least you guys have boyfriends!
Sniff! I don't, I've never had a boyfriend. Always been to fat and insecure to attract one I guess. But all that's CHANGING!!!
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Old 11-02-2006, 07:59 AM   #13
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I'm sorry, but your b/f's comment has bothered me!!

AmberD - Granted, asking the question "am I fat" is a touchy question to ask any guy, especially your b/f. BUT, to say "to other guys, you're too big??" COME ON!!! When I have my down days about my weight, and I have at least 100 pds to lose.. my boyfriend always says "babe, you're perfect just the way you are." He's had super skinny and pretty girlfriends, and sure I feel like "i wonder if he wants me to look that way." But in the end, he wouldn't be with me if he wanted to me to look different. He had done nothing but compliment me everytime I see him, whether I look like a bum or dressed up to the nines. He always tells me how beautiful I am, and has never ever ever ever said anything negative about my weight - and it's been three years.
I understand that your b/f felt like he needed to tell you the truth, but look where it got you?
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Old 11-02-2006, 08:53 AM   #14
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I think asking the question is definitely touchy, and putting your guy in a no-win situation. I understand the urge to ask the question though. I think he could have handled the situation better, but honestly like lilybelle said sometimes guys just don't think. They honestly don't realize sometimes the effect words can have on us...because they're not wired the same way (OK some guys are super-sensitive but that's not the majority).

I say love yourself for who you are right now - and you obviously do love yourself because you are commited to making yourself healthier. I'm sure your BF loves you too and admires you for what you are doing, and thinks you are absolutely gorgeous! I would try to let it go.

Megan - That's right!! As we get healthier and get more and more confident in ourselves, the male interest will follow....I have a DH but I definitely notice more guys taking a bit of an interest as I feel better and better about myself. We're going to be beating them off with a stick soon! LOL
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Old 11-02-2006, 10:19 AM   #15
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Red face Don't settle for less than you deserve

My dbf & I met online in a Yahoo chat over 2 years ago. At the time, I was fat. I had a picture on my Yahoo profile. He sent me a private message & we started to chat. He commented on my picture, saying he thought I was very attractive In the meantime, I had just started Atkins because I was tired of being fat all my life and worrying since I was getting older about high blood pressure, diabetes & heart problems (all of which are in my family). That was over 2 years ago and he was very supportive from that day to this. We met in person almost a year ago, I had lost about 80 lbs at the time. He is always telling me how proud of me he is & how great he thinks I look. BUT, my point is, he fell in love with me when I was fat...NOT when I was thin. It's very sad that people too often judge others based on how they look instead of getting to know the person as a person first. Dr. Phil has a saying and it applies to many areas of life "If you did what you always did...you'll get what you always got". When you find the right person for you, you will KNOW it. They will accept you for YOU. Don't settle for less than you deserve.

All the best to you,

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