I've been visiting this site regularly, but never really got around to signing up. I don't really know why. I am not severely overweight, but I would like to lose about 30 pounds.
See, the problem is I'm 19, and I was chubby as a child. And I can remember being as young as 10 and my family would always be making comments about my weight. My grandmothers, my step-father, my brother... but ESPECIALLY my mother.
Then, around 14, I lost it. I lost all the weight and people said it was "just baby fat". Well, what they don't realize is I was so self-consious from all their comments I eventually dieted it away.
It sounds awful, but I felt like my mother loved me so much more when I was skinny. We'd go shopping together and she's say how no matter what I put on looked marvelous because I had a "perfect body". All the time she'd marvel at how thin I'd become, and would just look back at my childhood photos as kind of a bad dream.
Well, her nightmare has come back to haunt her, and she never lets me forget it. I get constant reminders from her that I've gained weight. For Halloween this year I wanted to dress up as Red Riding hood, since my boyfriend is being a wolf. Anyway, I asked to use her red velvet cape she wore to her wedding. Turns out the matching dress is still with it.
But, of course, the dress was too small for me. Well, you can imagine what that made me feel like.
"Gee, I was thinner than you when I was nearly 30!"
"I guess it looks alright. We can just let it out here.. and here.. and here.."
After she was gone, I tore the dress and cape off, threw them in a pile on the floor, cried, thre up my supper, drank a bottle of water, and here I am.
So that's what led me to the site. I probably should have put this in introductions, but I felt more like I needed support than welcoming. Thank you for listening.
Transatlanticism xo