I already posted this in another section but this may be the better area for this. I just want to quickly tell you about myself (it's going to be more than quick) but I have ALWAYS loved to eat, and since I had hit puberty I had issues with my weight. Before that, I was a medium sized child... but the weight started coming on when I was around 11-12. Since then it's been a battle but I always loved, loved, loved to eat. I was teased in junior high because of being overweight and had the acne and all of that. So I just blocked it out and without even realizing it.. until really now to be honest, I figured that food would keep me company instead. And I have to say, even when I did have friends to do stuff with later on, and dates I would look more forward to where to eat and what to eat more so than the company! I have 2 kids and the funny thing is, while I was pregnant with both of them I did not gain a huge amount of weight. The weight came on AFTER having them... and after I had my oldest, my daughter who is now 4 I had post partum depression, and had to fend for myself, got no support from family and husband was an *** during that time... I ended up on celexa but gained weight from that and dumb me just went off of it on my own all because I gained weight.. but I was sure in no state of mind to listen to anyone, including a doctor, did some other horrible things, acted on impulse and got myself into debt at the time too. Then after having my son I didn't get the depression nearly as bad but I became overly too comfortable with eating. However last year at this time I got really fed up with how I looked and felt and ended up joining Jenny Craig. I thought at first it was the best thing even though I was restricted to their food. It was VERY hard especially since my husband can eat what he wants and doesn't gain a thing (makes me sick!) but by this April I had lost over 50 lbs (I still had roughly 25 lbs to lose at the time). Between last September and this April there were periods where I did battle with whether to stick with the program or not... but I did end up winning and did stick with it, and didn't gain anything at all during that time. What helped too was that the consultants I had I clicked very well with and found them very motivating! I also was eating my own dinners at the time and did well with that, and ate a lot of my own snacks and lunches. However I had to put the program on hiatus around that time because I got sick with an ulcer and at that time I was also in the process of switching doctors which had complicated things even more. Since I was off of the program and couldn't worry about losing the weight, before I knew it I got lazy. When I started to heal I knew it was time to go back to JC but I wasn't overly motivated, this was in late June of this year. I tried reminding myself how good I was feeling and how good I was LOOKING.... and I had the attitude "thats great and everything but...." I just wasn't overly motivated. However I figured I would force myself to get back into the swing of things. I got back and had to start from scratch because I was off of the program for a while. But the thought of going back on their food and ONLY their food just sickened me... not because it tastes bad, but I hated the idea of ONLY being restricted to THEIR food and my old consultant had left as well... the new one they had set me up with was a total moron! But even though I couldn't stand the idea of being restricted to ONLY their food again I still tried to plot along. But realistically how well can you do a job if your heart is not into it? At the same time, as well, some "bad" things were happening at the time. I had some so-called friends that I had found out that had truely stabbed me in the back! I had bent over backwards trying to help them, one in particular and I was basically used and made fun of the whole time and JUDGED for something that they had no right to judge me for. I had also gotten involved in a business that had turned out to be a disaster, not because the business went bust but my mentor basically told me to leave and was nasty about it, and basically put me down and hit some sensitive nerves all because I did something innocent but to him it was a horrible thing! I also noticed more than usual, the neighbors were giving me a cold shoulder and it was happening all at once. And THEN shortly after that, someone came right out and made fun of my phobia that I had the courage to express.. which by the way is emetophobia, a phobia of vomiting.. which is actually pretty funny on my part considering I LOVE to eat.. but the difference is, I am not overly phobic of MYSELF being sick, it's OTHERS and it makes parenting that much harder
Just HEARING about someone being sick sends shivers down my spine...Anyway I won't get too much into that since this is an off topic matter. Anyway.. the fact the matter is, JC meant NOTHING to me and neither did my weight.. my fragile self worth was wounded once again and started to let myself go. However, I didn't try to force anything and I certainly did not pay attention to anything I had put in my mouth, I shamefully admit I went through a very long period of "poor me" after that.. it took me longer than it should have to get out of it. Even though some true friends were in a loving but stern way kept telling me to quit feeling sorry for myself and to stop complaining, I just didn't listen. I just saw myself as a failure, a loser and someone just never being meant to succeed. I got over the depression a while ago, but just recently I began to acknowledge again that, I needed to lose the 25 lbs on top of whatever I had gained (I know I have to brave myself up but I am terrified of getting back on that scale.. because I KNOW I won't like what I will see but somehow I have to muster up the courage to do so) I bet I have a good at least 40 lbs to lose again
But more importantly, I have also come to a realization. I ALWAYS thought I just LOVED to eat and never really thought of myself as an emotional eater, I just thought I did it because I loved it and knew I was just the type to live to eat, just for the pleasure of it. But there is always a reason behind these pleasures. I have never truely had a high self image, I have A LOT of hidden resentments, and anger. And a lot of my feelings are directed towards my husband, those who have hurt me and I am angry with my mother for a lot of things. I also feel like I am a hypocrite, because in my field I am here to show others what challenges they are facing and tell them how to deal with them.. I sure know what challenges I am facing but I have a very hard time taking my own advice. That is for sure. Well, acknowledging the fact that I am once and for all an emotional eater (eating for love is not just a matter of eating because "you like to", there is a void you are trying to fill and I have been trying to fill that void all of my life) and even though I successfully lost a lot of weight later last year and early this year, I may have enjoyed the fact I was losing weight and the fact that I had gotten a lot of compliments on the way was a real motivator but did not really examine the underlying causes of why I had to go on JC in the first place, and before that! However I did notice when the weight was coming off, my attitude in general had improved a lot and had an easier time letting things go as well! I do feel once I am able to truely learn how to forgive (and I know what forgiveness is all about but I have to say it's one of the hardest things to do), find peace within myself and accept my limitations and actually know what my gifts truely are, and quit caring about what others think of me, I think I'll have an easier time saying "no" to second portions and choosing carrot sticks over carrot cake! But will I ever get there? Also.. since I am easily tempted to eat no-no's how do you deal with temptations when you are married to someone who can eat what he wants and doesn't pay the consequences for it??
Mir
new here in need of support
