I've been in a slump lately. My 30th is Sunday and I have mixed feelings about it. It's not so much about the number itself, it's more about where I am in life. Growing up I had a plan. The plan was simple really. College, an established career in a professional field, then marriage and family. Well that didn't happen. I ended up with a GED because my mom told me to drop out in my Senior year and get a full time job. She said I didn't need a diploma to get a good job. Then I married less than a year later and had a baby. I ended up divorced and working to support me and my baby. A few years later I met a great man and ended up remarried with 2 more kids. I am a SAHM now. My dh is great but I have so many regrets. I still want to go to college but we can't afford it, and dh brings in too much money for me qualify for finacial aid. I never thought i'd be where I am. don't get me wrong I am happy about my family, just not about myself. I never thought that at 30 I'd be a stressed out, obese woman without any friends (not an exaggeration dh and the kids are the only people I interact with, except for ya'll), no career, and health problems. I am trying to fix the weight and health problem things, but don't know how to fix the other stuff. We can't afford college tuition and books or the sitter that I'd have to have while taking the classes. I don't go anywhere except to the grocery store and doctor and I'm very shy so I don't know how I can fix the friends situation.
Also, lately the weight thing has really been bugging me. I took my daughter to the dentist the other day and one of the techs asked my daughter "So your going to get a new baby brother or sister?" My daughter told her she already has a baby brother and the woman looked confused, so I told her "I'm not pregnant I'm just fat, but thank you for assuming" she was embarrassed and walked away without even so much as an I'm sorry. On the way home I asked dh if I really looked pregnant and he admitted that I do. He has never said this. Whenever I've asked him about my weight in the past he always says that he doesn't look at me that way and he thinks I'm beautiful, but not this time. Then a couple a days later we stopped on the way home from my doc to get something to take home and eat. I'll admit I was a pig, but I was really hungry cause I hadn't eaten at all that day. Anyway I had dh get me 2 Arby's roast beef sandwiches. well the 2 youngest won't eat Arby's so we went next door to Mc D's to get them something and I asked dh to get me a vanilla shake. His reply was damn I already got you 2 sandwiches ya lard ***. He was laughing when he said it. He meant it as a joke, but it really hurt. I let him know and he apologized, but it's still in the back of my head now. I'm really in a slump about things. Any words of advice or encouragement would really be appreciated. Or you can share you horror stories if you'd like so that I know I'm not alone.
Well first off heather you are not a lard *** and I am sure you do not look pregnant, people are just really stupid. This has nothing to do with me being over weight but when I was 11 or 12 I was pushing my sister in her stroller so she would of be 1 or 2 (there is 10 years between us) some woman told me what a beautiful daughter I had... I almost screamed, her I was not even 12 and apparently I had a kid at 10. People are just STUPID! REALLY STUPID!
Don't worry about what they say. I haven't seen you but I assure you that u do not look pregnant. I started out about the same as you, and maybe I felt pregnant but I don't think I looked it.... I was just fat. And it will go away, just work at it and dont let anyone get you down.
As for school, I know some colleges have online courses, so you can do your work online and sometimes you dont even need books because it is online. Maybe you could look into something like that? I don't know what you want to take but it might be an option. Maybe you need a job, even if it is part time and something that pays min wage. Maybe you need to get out of the house, make a little bit of money for you and save up for taking a night class or something or a little bit of shopping. If you did get a part time job it would be a great way to meet people - that would force you to talk to with them. It might help.
Anyway, I ate half of a huge pizza yesterday, so don't worry about your two sandwitches and a milkshake!
Have you even looked at community colleges? Some offer free or greatly reduced childcare while you are in class. Have you really looked at financial aid? Some scholarships don't have income requirements. There are quite a few programs for mothers/women who are trying to enter/re-enter college life. Have you tried saving the money for school? There are always places to cut back. Also, any money spent on school would be tax deductible. I take online courses and a lot of schools offer online courses.
As far as your weight, I know it is frustrating. Have you thought about joining a local SAHM group or a parents group? I really think you just need to get out and about to make yourself feel a bit better about your situation.
Hmm, I think your husband was a jerk for calling you what he did, even in jest. Sometimes my fiance will remind me I don't "need" something but he has NEVER called me any form of fat and would never make fun of me for eating something. I take online classes at a community college as well, it can be good for learning microsoft office applications or for programming, amonst other things, those could help you get back into the workplace.
I agree maybe a part time job is in order? At least when the kids start school maybe there is some kind of part-time office job you could get, front desk type job somewhere? You'd meet lots of new people and if you found a good place they'd understand your need to juggle work with kids. I work full time and my company reimburses me up to so much a year for undergraduate classes (5,000: I have been told it is pretty standard as they get it back in not having to pay taxes or something). Might be a requirement that you work full time for that kind of benefit, but that is something to consider if you think about going back into the work place. I still have the come up with the money up front to pay it but it is helpful that they pay me back usually before the next semester is due, and it is enough to cover part time school expenses. I don't think a Mom could do that working full time, but maybe you will find a part time job that might offer something, or find a job at a community college or university where employees tend to get discounts on classes. Just some thoughts, you've got plenty of options, and 30 is not too old for a career change. Better to find out what you want now than worry about it later, and you will want to work on a 2nd life for yourself after your kids are grown.
I think a lot of Moms make the mistake of always thinking of their kids first (which is good for the kids) and then end up totally neglecting all their own dreams. See if you can save up a couple hundred bucks or so for a one semester community college class, in something you've always wanted to do. You could schedule it during the day when your kids are at school, or take a night class and work it out with your hubby that he watches the kids then. He's got to understand it will be emotionally and mentally healthy for you to put aside a little time for yourself, especially in bettering yourself. Stick with it and hang in there, you are on the right track in that you are thinking about it!
You may want to look into CLEP testing and DANTES testing to help you attain college credits. I have earned 2 semesters worth of school without ever entering a classroom. You can do college! Make it happen!
I can share horror stories with you. The most recent one is that when my ex-boyfriend walked out on me to be with another woman, he told me I ate "intimidating amounts of food."
But it sounds like what you need more than people to share horror stories and commiserate with you is to take back control of your life so you won't feel so helpless. When you were younger you had a plan, but it sounds like once that plan got derailed by your mother telling you not to finish high school, you didn't adapt and make a new plan, but just kind of let things happen to you.
Have you considered what kind of career you want? There are still good careers that you can get into without having a college degree. For example, I am a computer specialist. I don't have a college degree, but I DO have several industry certifications that I got by self-study and then taking an exam. Or do you have any hobbies or skills that you could parlay into a business?
I know once you have a family and kids you don't have as many choices about what to do with your life as you do when you are single. But you DO have choices. There are things you CAN control. You can do something about what you eat, and how much you exercise, and you can find out what it would take to get into the career field you want. If you want it badly enough, you will find a way to do it. You can control your life, or you can let your life control you.
And all of here on this board want to see you succeed and be happy, and we are here to offer support and cheer you on.
I think fiddler brings up a good point. Decide on what you want to do first. Sometimes you can get your foot in the door without college. My company pays for college degrees if you work for them. I've known people who got their BS/BA, MS/MA or even PhD for no cost to them. I'm currently working on my MS and my company is paying for tuition and books. So even though I think college is doable, I think if you figure out what you want to do and get your foot in the door, you can have a start on your career rather than just dream about it.
The most recent one is that when my ex-boyfriend walked out on me to be with another woman, he told me I ate "intimidating amounts of food."
OK, here are my suggestions:
1. Look at your local public school district for an early childhood family education program. I joined these groups when my son was a baby and it was a LIFESAVER, I kid you not. He got playtime, I got adult time, and we learned about topics relevant to our children's developmental ages.
2. Consider working full-time when your kids are all in school full-time, for a company that offers tuition reimbursement.
3. Perhaps you could search local colleges for employment? I work at a private university. I get FREE college, my son gets a 75% discount. If you have young children, this would definitely be a great way to go, especially as they come upon college ages.
4. Find a hobby, or a volunteer project that interests you. It would get you out of the house and give you an opportunity to meet people. Building community ties is a huge key to happiness and the health of a family, I think.
On a side note, if a college education is your dream, find a way to make it happen. I was the same way and not a single day passes when I am not thankful for pursuing it the way I did. I sacrificed a lot, and I busted my butt to get it done, but the rewards are well worth it.
And lastly, here is my horror story: When my son was probably 3 years old, I set him at the table with an open bag of some sort of chips, the open bag facing him. I was standing on the other side of the table doing something at the counter, and my son said, "You put the bag like this so I got a chance at them, right?"
Well, 30 years old is when most people finally start acting like adults, so I congratulate you on your achievement.
Don't worry so much about meeting past goals. A college degree doesn't mean all that much, unless you have specialized in something. I have a degree in Biology that I've never, ever used. I've worked as an office manager for a small manufacturing company for the past 9 years since I finally stopped being a stay-at-home mom.
Just because you aren't going to college doesn't mean you can't read books and teach yourself. Your library could have lots of books that might give you a clue as to what you might want to do with your life after kids get into school.
I'm shy, too, and don't have any RL friends besides my family anymore, even though I have a job. Online messageboards give me an outlet for talking to people and I mostly hang out with people on Lord of the Rings messageboards. You find very interesting conversations going on at some of those places. I've learned more from reading & participating in people's philosophical arguments on messageboards than I ever did in college. And it's great when people point out a good book in a topic I'm interested in! It's almost like having private tutors, except there isn't the distressing face-to-face aspect!
What would you go into, if you could go to college? Do you have any idea? There's a terrible shortage of nurses nowadays, I've heard. I've often thought I should have gotten a degree in that... but then I wouldn't have all the online time available that I get here at work!
Just "going to college" without a definite career in mind is kind of a waste of time and angst, in my opinion. You need a goal. If you have a goal, and the willpower to work towards it- you can do anything!
I know that I want to get a Business Administration degree. It offers the opportunity to enter into a variety of fields and it's an area that I could excel in. I have had several different management positions in the past in various areas and I have a good head for business and finance. I have contacted the admissions counselor at the local community college and talked to her about what I need to do to start taking classes. The fall semester is already full up for the online courses but if dh and I start saving now I can get into the winter quarter classes and get a couple of my prelim courses out of the way online and then next Fall when all 3 of my kids will be in school all day I can start going to classes maybe even full time. The counselor said that they don't do financial aid for part time students but that when I'm to go full time she will do everything she can to help me get the aid I need to make it happen. I talked to my trainer at the gym about the situation. (He is a great guy and very supportive in all areas because he knows that each area in a person's life affects the others and he always seems to know when something is bothering me.) he said that when school goes back and 2 of my 3 kids are at school he is going to work it out (he is also a manager at the gym) so that i can leave my 3 yo in the daycare for longer than the 2 hour time limit so that I can get my workout in and then he is going to let me help him out so that I can get to know some of the people around the gym and have a little more time away from being a mom and wife so that I can just be me. He also said that when I start school if I need any help with any of the courses he'll be there. (He just graduated from college about a year ago, so it's all still pretty fresh in his mind) Thank you all so much for all the advice and kindness. I really appreciate it.
Sounds cool! I almost went back to school for a more useful degree when my tenure as a SAHM came towards an end. In the final analysis, though, I couldn't bear the thought of more schooling, and found a position that is boring in detail, but interesting people-wise. I've learned more about physiology and nutrition from my boss than I ever did getting that bio degree, and I'm just an office manager for a small manufacturing company. Wisdom can be found in odd places.
Big 3 0 coming up, and other things..
