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Old 07-07-2006, 08:39 AM   #1
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Unhappy Anyone Else With Unsupportive DH?

Hi everyone! I have a question. Does anyone else out there besides me have an unsupportive DH?
I'm not sure what it is but I think he's jealoius and doesn't want me to lose weight. It makes me feel bad when he looks at skinny women and says bad things about overweight women who are my size. But then he says things like "I like you just the way you are". But I don't like me just the way I am. I've tried to tell him that if I don't get my weight under control then I'm not going to live a long healthy life. I think all he's worried about is me looking great and he thinks I'll find someone else. Why would I do that, I married him when I was skinny and looking great!
I was walking at a local trail and all he ever said was how I was wasting gas going up there. Now that it has gotten too hot to walk outside I joined our local YMCA. Now I hear about gas and the monthly fee. But you know what you guys, I work just as many hours as he does a week and I feel like I deserve to go. DH went with me last week and when he saw all of the men weightlifting he wouldn't even speak to me on the way home.
I'm all the time asking him if he can tell that I've lost weight and his response is that he can't tell any difference. That really gets me discouraged.
I have quit smoking, lost 30lbs, and I feel the best that I have felt in a long time. I'm not going to quit working out if I have to walk up and down our driveway for an hour.
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Old 07-07-2006, 09:08 AM   #2
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I don't have the same problem as you - my husband wants me to do what is right for me, and does try to be encouraging and keep me on track... however there have been some issues along the way.
He has made comments (like right before I started optifast) that he quit dating skinny girls because they were all sluts (I was around 250lbs when we met, and I'm 6ft tall, so I wasn't that bad). I asked him if I lost alot of weight if that would suddenly turn me into a slut - he just shrugged his shoulders. I was PISSED OFF!
Things are on track with our relationship after about a year of crap... but even so, I had to make the decision that I was doing this for me - I wasn't going to quit for him, that he didn't even factor into my decision at all. I also decided that the possibility exists that I when I get to my goal weight, he may not like who I am, and if that is case, I will have to leave him (I'm not gonna gain the weight back to make him happy or whatever the case might be).... and I am ok with that.
It was very agonizing to go through the the process of looking at where our marriage is, who I am, and what I what out of life... and if those things are not somewhat consistent with my husband, then we probably shouldn't be together. Of course, I need to reiterate that we had other problems before this, we have been in individual and marriage counseling, and he knows my feelings. But I am not using "the possibilities" as an excuse not to work on my marriage. Instead, I am truly trying to be the best possible me I can, and to do everything I can to make my marriage better. I can only control me - that is something that has taken me years to figure out, but because I really know it now, I have been able to let so much go and move on.

I don't know that I can give you any advice... except that you really need to do some soul searching and find out who you are, and to remember that you are not your marriage (something else I had to figure out) - you are an INDIVIDUAL, unique person in a marriage.
I do feel for you, as I don't know what I would do if my hubby whined about my efforts....it would depend if we could talk it out or not...
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Old 07-07-2006, 09:34 AM   #3
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Amanda, Such words of wisdom! We do really need to be true to ourselves as individuals.
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Old 07-07-2006, 10:40 AM   #4
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I can relate.

When we met & got engaged 5 year ago and for the first 6 months of our engagement, I was the skinniest I had every been in my adult (20 year old) life. After that, I regained all my previous weight plus 30 extra pounds at the rate of about 25-30 pounds a year.

DF was very jealous and protective when we first got engaged, and I think I may have retreated back to the fat-suit to get away from the stress and confusing feelings.

He was VERY supportive when I started working out and eating better in late Dec. 2004. And he continues to be very supportive. He knows better than to try otherwise - I made it clear from step #1 that I am doing this for ME (which indirectly benefits him) and I wasn't stopping for ANYONE.

Now that I'm approaching goal - I have noticed some old behavior patterns popping up. He keeps an eye out for guys checking me out in public, or is overly demonstrative, etc.

It's just HIS insecurities coming into play again. The dummy doesn't realize that I got engaged when I was skinny, so why would I leave just because I'm skinny(er)?

I'm working on getting him to realize this things, it's just going to take a while. It's a bit easier since I'm older now (24) - I definitely WON'T put up with or run away from his behaviors the way I did in the past. It wasn't all him - I got myself fat largely on my own - but now I REFUSE to get fat for ANY reason
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Old 07-07-2006, 10:51 AM   #5
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Some men are very insecure when their wives lose weight. Mine has been very supportive in my efforts. (Except eating junk in front of me). He's not the jealous type and actually gets a kick out of it that his male co-workers tell him that I look hot. The only thing he's said to make me think he could be a little insecure is to remind me to wear my wedding rings when I go out in public. Geesh, I know I'm married and he's a wonderful man and I wouldn't dare want to have to train another one.
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Old 07-07-2006, 10:53 AM   #6
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My husband is fat himself, and he has always been more insecure. We've been married over 3 years, and we met at our highest weights. I have a master's degree, while he didn't finish college. He is always saying that he doesn't understand what I see in him. I don't know if that is one of the reasons he hasn't been able to jump on the health bandwagon wholeheartedly (and is also unconsciously sabatoging my efforts in small ways). I do know that I'm a bigger risk from myself than from him, but I don't understand why he believes I would change my mind now.

Besides, there are men out there who prefer women of whatever size you currently are, so if you're looking to cheat you will.
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Old 07-07-2006, 11:32 AM   #7
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Lilybelle said, "Geesh, I know I'm married and he's a wonderful man and I wouldn't dare want to have to train another one."

Too true!!!
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Old 07-07-2006, 11:45 AM   #8
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Butterfly YES i can relate totally those are the exact words i here from my DH about the gas and i too joined YMCA and the first thing out of his mouth was how much is that costing us (while he rolls eye's) and yes when we had problems in our marriage and ""HE"" needed a "BREAK" i droped down to my all time lows 140 when he saw that all these people were giving me attention he didnt like it and came running back to our marriage so yeah i have to find support within it's hard as **** but i do it ...OH and another thing i didnt want to tell him i was on this site, i knew he'd have his too cents to throw in, well i did and guess what first thing out of his mouth was oh another fad diet web site are they telling you you can eat whatever you want and lose weight ... he seems to think he's a fitness guru or something ...I LOVE HIM to death but I do wish he'd support me more ...sigh well just keep your head up and log in here anytime you need support i do ... and it works...
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Old 07-07-2006, 12:02 PM   #9
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Oh man, I don't know what I'd do with an unsupportive hubby (I'm single). It's bad enough that a few family members who do NOT live with me attempt to sabotage ... I can't imagine someone in my house doing so. I'm sorry they're being that insecure! How silly.
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Old 07-07-2006, 01:25 PM   #10
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Hey Butterfly~ I am sorry to hear about your DH insecurities. Keep doing what you need to do to be healthy and happy. I quit smoking about a year ago, and learned if I can do that, I can accomplish anything! My DH really tries to be supportive, but I don't think he knows how. He complained a little about me joining WW, and whenever I attempt to lose weight, he still whines about me not wanting to make/oder/buy junk food for dinner or dessert. Sometimes he will randomly buy a chocolate cake, tin of cookies, or my fave ice cream. I am to blame, too because sometimes I actually give in and eat what he buys. Also DH works a physical job and does not to be active as a family, on his off time.

Just keep coming here to the forum, and find someone (not in cyberspace) to be your accountability partner. Studies have shown having a friend who is positive with the same goal as you, will increase your chances of accomplishing you goal.

Take Care!! Stay strong. :-)
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Old 07-07-2006, 03:03 PM   #11
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Quote:
Originally Posted by bluestarr

Just keep coming here to the forum, and find someone (not in cyberspace) to be your accountability partner. Studies have shown having a friend who is positive with the same goal as you, will increase your chances of accomplishing you goal.
Although I don't disagree with this.... Butterfly, you really do need to have a heart to heart with your husband.... you need his support. Marriage is supposed to be supportive, and it is all about compromises.... I believe that you will do better when your husband can better support you. Before I started optifast, I asked my husband what his feelings were (thats kinda when the whole slut comment came out ), but once he stopped being mad that this would change his life too, he actually talked to me. I told him what I needed from him - specifically things he could do or not do everyday to help me. And so far he has done most of what I have asked (and yes, there was some training involved LOL). Make sure that you have a clear picture of what you need to be successful, let him know (but don't expect changes overnight); also make sure you know where to draw the line with his behavior - if he becomes abusive as you lose more weight, get out, take a break, whatever you need to do to get it through to him that his behavior is unacceptable! And I mean more along the lines of verbal and emotional abuse. Make sure that he knows that his problem with your weight is HIS PROBLEM, not yours.
But overall, you must communicate, and be civil about it - don't ever get into the "you always" or "you never" or name calling. Talk about it, but don't argue - if he wants to argue, leave the conversation.
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Old 07-07-2006, 08:39 PM   #12
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I agree that you need to have a heart to heart talk with you husband as to why he is upset with your weight loss. Is he afraid you will leave, or is he overweight also and doesn't know how to get started, or ????? Something has to be causing his feelings. Maybe you could get him involved with some outdoor exercise you both enjoy so he doesn't feel left out by you going to the gym? My husband doesn't really need to lose weight but he loves going hiking with me, we bought a book with 100 hikes in Southern Oregon (where we live) and we try and do one once a week. It has been fun and we spend quality time together. My husband hasn't been the best with helping me out since I can be watching tv and mention that icecream sound good and he will go and get it, but he is getting better. He won't go and get it now so he won't get in trouble from me for caving in so easily! I would have a long talk with him and get to the root of the problem. My husband will tell me he loves me the way I am but he loves the fact that I feel wonderful about fitting into smaller clothes and feeling great about myself again. He also says he is not going to leave me alone when I reach my goal!!!
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Old 07-07-2006, 08:49 PM   #13
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Hi butterfly,

Yes! I can absolutely relate. In fact, I first came back to the site because I wanted to get support outside my house. I'm not married - he just didn't seem to be really in love and I am not making that commitment with someone who doesn't truly, deeply appreciate ME - but we've been together for 6 years and have a daughter together, plus his two boys. (His first wife passed away from breast cancer 7 years ago.)

Anyway, he has complained about the time I put into healthy eating and exercise, any impacts it has on what he gets to eat, any money I spend on a gym, even too many exercise tapes from the library!

Regardless, I am committed to doing this for my health, to be able to live a long healthy life and share it with my kids and the rest of my family, and I will not let his negative comments and actions deter me - but it is really hard sometimes!!

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Old 07-08-2006, 05:36 AM   #14
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Well, I don't find my husband very supportive, but for different reasons. Most of the time he doesn't comment about my weight because he knows how I'm going to react, but every few months he'll say something which upsets me. Not that I really blame him. I guess he's sick and tired of listening to me over the years saying that I'm going to lose weight and only making a half hearted attempt to do anything about it. But what annoys me is that whenever I feel that I'm doing well on plan, he never seems to notice or give me any compliments or encouragement, without me first having to prompt him by telling him if I've lost weight or whatever ... he never seems interested enough to ask how I'm doing ... even though he often tells me in a roundabout way that I need to lose weight and exercise. Then, when I'm not doing so well, instead of encouraging me to stay on track, he criticises me for having no willpower. I can understand how he feels, but it really would help me if he was more supportive in his comments instead of criticising me when I'm not doing well. It would definitely help to keep me more motivated. Whether I'm doing well or not, I need positive comments instead of negative ones to help me. I have spoke to him about this, but after a week or two he always reverts back to his old ways.
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