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Old 06-26-2006, 05:15 PM   #1
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Default Sad, and struggling

First of all, let me say that I'm pretty new here - but I already lean on the posts that I read here everyday to help keep me motivated and on track....so thank you I'm really struggling right now, though, and not even reading here has helped....I thought maybe writing something down and getting some feedback might help.

I just kind of feel like I've been run over by a bus, and am having a really hard time maintaining focus. It just hit me hard this morning, how fat I really am......I was standing at the top of the stairs, waiting for my son, and caught the sideview of myself in a hallway mirror...and angle of myself I rarely see. I realized how deeply in trouble with my weight I really am, how far I have to go to make things OK.....and I just wanted to dissolve, disappear, whatever. It's so hard because I *thought* I had realized this, and had things under control....I thought I was on my way. But this just took me so by surprise - it was so odd, but it was like I was seeing myself for the first time as I TRULY am, not as I let myself believe that I am. Now I just feel so down and defeated - like I don't even want to leave the house, like I don't want to do anything.

I consider myself a pretty strong person, so this is hard for me to admit. I feel like something is squeezing my heart....I just feel frozen by my shame. I feel embarrassed and humiliated - I don't normally feel this way, and I hate it but I don't know how to get myself over this.

I do the right things. I eat well, I exercise....but right now I feel like it's all for nothing and that I'll never get to where I want to be. How do you pull yourself up when you feel like this? How do you take those baby steps, those one-at-a-time advances to your goal when you feel like your goal is a million miles away?

How do you find or maintain the motivation to succeed when you feel so worthless?

They just moved my grandmother into a hospice yesterday - she's not expected to live more than a few weeks. In the back of my mind, I always believed that she would see my lose weight in her lifetime..... I know that I'm also struggling with the knowledge that it's not going to happen. I'm dealing with a lot of grief, too, which I know isn't helping how I feel about myself right now....but I also know this isn't all just about my grandma. It's also about me, and my disappointment in myself - and the fact that as much as I like to think I have everything in control, clearly I really don't.

I guess I could just use a hug.
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Old 06-26-2006, 05:47 PM   #2
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First of all,

Second of all, you don't know that your grandma won't see your weight loss. NOBODY knows that. There ain't but ONE Being that knows how long your grandma will stick around. Heck, any of us could get hit by a bus tomorrow. (cheery thought, eh?) There is a woman I work with whose mom went into a hospice 3 years ago. They were told she only had a few weeks to live at that time... We all moped around and cried with her for about 6 months, until one of us said, "um, so what's up with your mom?". Needless to say, her mom is still alive & kicking....back in a nursing home and playing poker. Daily. And winning.

With your weight? Everybody struggles. We all have felt the humiliation and shame. In a way, it's a good thing to get to that point as painful as it is, because it can be a turning point. It is what makes you stick to it. It's like that with everything in life.

As for motivation, this is stupid, but I have found it to be one little "tiny" motivation. Every time that scale says only one pound less, I think to myself, "Well a pound is as big as a pound of butter, so that's like a whole pound of butter I have cut off my butt". Stupid, stupid, I know. But it makes every pound seem more worth it, somehow.

You ARE on your way. Don't feel like you aren't. We are not all gonna look like J.Lo in a matter of weeks.

I'm rambling, I know....I just don't want you to be so depressed. You are doing the right thing, it won't come fast for any of us...but when we get to where we want to be, I think the trip will be worth it.
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Old 06-26-2006, 05:47 PM   #3
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Oh, Susan!!! God Bless You!!! Here's a great big hug! Your grandma sees YOU, sweetie!!! See sees your heart and she loves it!!!! The package it comes in is irrelevant to her! However much time you have with her, just drink it up. I'm sorry you're feeling so badly right now, but it will pass. You are overwhelmed with the grief of the loss of your loved one along with trying to lose weight. Take care of yourself. Your 117 pounds is very doable. I have to believe it for myself, as well. PM me if you need a support buddy! Hang in there!!!
If God sends us on stony paths, He'll give us STRONG SHOES! Mother Theresa

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Old 06-26-2006, 06:01 PM   #4
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Originally Posted by sugarlove
I do the right things. I eat well, I exercise....but right now I feel like it's all for nothing and that I'll never get to where I want to be. How do you pull yourself up when you feel like this? How do you take those baby steps, those one-at-a-time advances to your goal when you feel like your goal is a million miles away?

How do you find or maintain the motivation to succeed when you feel so worthless?
I had plenty of days when I cried because I was so heavy. When I thought I can't do it, it's too much work, my dad was fat, I'm big boned, I'm just genetically destined to be fat, it would be too hard to make lunches every day, it would be too hard to turn down french fries, too hard to make a healthy dinner instead of ordering pizza every Friday night. None of that was true, and one day I just started doing it. I don't really know what happened, I wish I could bottle it and give it to every person that feels like they can't do it - because you can.

When I wanted to lose weight, I wanted to lose 60 lbs. 60 lbs seemed so huge, I broke it down into 10 lb increments. 10 lbs didn't seem so hard. I had lost 10 lbs LOTS of times in the past. I also decided to reward myself really well when I lost 10 lbs. I lost 10 lbs, and then I did it again and again. Once I started losing weight and started feeling better, it was motivation to keep going.

Eating well and exercising is definitely NOT worthless, you are doing good things for your body every day. Think of your long term health - avoiding cancer, diabetes, heart disease. Losing weight is a RIGHT NOW REWARD but the long term rewards are just as important.

SIX YEARS at maintenance weight!

My very long weight loss story

"I saw an angel in the marble and I chiseled until I set it free."
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Old 06-26-2006, 10:06 PM   #5
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Wow. Oh yeah, I've been there, too!
I knew it was bad and didn't think anything would work. But wowsa, I've been going at this nearly a year and am down over 90 pounds.

ANYTHING IS POSSIBLE. You have to believe that.

As for getting past the depression about your weight, I don't have anything amazing to say, except that whenever I start to feel like that (and I still feel like that sometimes) I think "You gonna let that thought have power over you? You gonna let that negative thinking win??"

Whoever said it first above is right. It's baby steps. Both in terms of changing your behavior and losing weight. But if you make a commitment to it, it will happen.

Two of my grandparents died when I was near my high weight. I wish my grandmother could see what I've accomplished so far, but I think about how proud she would be. It's not the same as her being here, but it does warm my heart.

Good luck to you and keep posting here!!!!

My 5 C's of healthy living: Commitment to conscious control, with the understanding that choices have consequences
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Old 06-26-2006, 11:16 PM   #6
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At the risk of being in the wrong room: Let go and let GOD! God, Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the power to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference.

I just lost my memaw. To explain who she was to me has no words. She started as my babysitter when I was 9months old. I didn't know she wasn't my real grandma till late elementry years. Her children included me as a surviving daughter. Even after we moved when I was in 4th grade, I shared "custody" with her, my mom and my dad over the summer. I spent 1 month every summer and every Thanksgiving with her. She was that important to me though there were no legal or biological ties to us. WHen I was grown, I called her weekly and sometimes daily. That was march. It took until this week for me to feel ready to get back on the diet wagon. I hope writing this does not make you feel worse because it is not my intention. Love yourself. Don't focus on the weight. Focus on what you need to feel whole. Give yourself time to grieve. Don't aim for perfection, aim for progress. Estabilish mini goals and daily goals.

On a practical side, Journal your feelings and your foods/excercise. Write down one thing you did right today (feelings or diet). Write down your obstacles and write ways you can think to overcome them(ex. I buy gum instead of a candy bar when I'm scanning the checkout). Make a master list of foods you can love (include weakness substittues like I had angel food cake tonight). I write them to my friend or here (not necessarily in a journal). One nice thing about all of this, just treating it analytically and practically can give you a sense of control you may be lacking. Log onto a food journal like www.fitday.com. Sometimes we think we are eating right but when we calculate it, we see a different picture. See if that helps.

Consider doing something for your grandma to help you feel more in control of what's going on. You don't know she won't see you lose weight. My real grandmother lived 6 years past the diagnosis that she would not surivive the year with cancer. Even if she never sees you lose weight, do something special for her now so you will always have that memory. You feel disappointed? I called her every week if not more often. Toward the end I got busy and didn't call her for 4 months and that eats at me. I know she knows I loved her with all of my heart. I know that in the grand sceme of things it is nothing, but I still feel disappointment and guilt. Maybe if you can remind me that it is nothing to feel guilty about, I will do the same for you. Love her. That's what she wants anyway. Just be there. If she does pull through, she'll remember you were there for her. That's so much more important.

One last thing, consider counseling for the depression. It may be more than you can handle and having that additional support can't hurt.

Take it one day at a time. What can you do today?

AGAIN: If I triggered you, sorry...I think I triggered myself. God Grant me the Serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the power to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference.
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Old 06-26-2006, 11:20 PM   #7
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Suzanne you can delete my last post if you need to.
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Old 06-27-2006, 07:59 AM   #8
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Susan... first here is a big hug! Thanks for sharing and yes, a lot of here understand and can relate. I had such a moment yesterday in fact... here I've gone along and lost 46 pounds and starting to actually "picture" myself as the thin person I want to become. But someone took pictures at a company picnic and posted them on the company public e-site. Yikes! A horrid one of me from the most unflattering angle possible and I looked like an absolute fat pig! I was so discouraged not only that it was posted for people to see but to realize that I really still LOOK like that! It DID make me feel like giving up.. but when things like that happen, I just have to take a deep breath and let it deepen my resolve to keep going!

What you are now feeling about your weight can actually be a GOOD thing, as sometimes it takes those "rude awakenings" to make us finally get off our butts and do what needs to be done to lose the weight. Sounds as if you are already on the way, as you say you are eating right and exercising. Good for you!! Keep it up!

I understand about your loss also... my Mom died last fall and I too wish she could see me losing the weight since she was always concerned about it and happy when I was losing. However, as a Christian, I think a bit differently since I KNOW she is in Heaven and while I have no idea whether or not she CAN actually see me, I still often "talk" to her and can almost hear her say she is proud of me! But I know what you mean about having to put someone you love into a hospice and face their leaving you. It's a hard thing, and your grief is normal.

You say that reading here hasn't helped and that is understandable. Perhaps these posts will encourage you just a bit though. And let me encourage you to do more than read; become involved here. Find threads meaningful to you and jump in. You will soon get to "know" the group of people there and feel real bonds of friendship and cheering on one another. It helps to share each other's victories and even our setbacks and defeats. Also, the exercise challenges are a great way to keep yourself accountable. LOL you will find when eveyone is posting what they have done, you will NOT want to go in very often and say "I didn't do diddly squat." And with the group goals you will find yourself helping to achieve them.

Hang in there... we are here for you!!

And mudbugs I don't think you pound of butter illustration is stupid at all! LOL I do sort of the same thing except I didn't realize it was that size but when I lose a pound I picture myself actually throwing off that pound of fat! Now that I know what size it is I too will use your butter thinking! Things like that DO help! I often think that I have lost TWO 20 pound bags of potatoes... LOL now plus 6 pounds of butter. Sometimes the reminders of where I have COME really help make it less defeating to think of how far I still have to go.

Last edited by Misti in Seattle; 06-27-2006 at 08:04 AM.
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Old 06-27-2006, 08:41 AM   #9
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Susan. I certainly can understand what your feeling.

"Life is a journey, you hold the map." ~Author Unknown
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Old 06-27-2006, 10:49 AM   #10
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Originally Posted by DeafinlySmart
Suzanne you can delete my last post if you need to.
Why? What did you say that was offensive?
One day at a time is more than just a saying.....
First goal: Back under 300!
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Old 06-27-2006, 11:14 AM   #11
Here we go again...
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I think you've just hit your "revelation" as others on here have said. I had mine in March and I felt SO ugly that I couldn't look in the mirror anymore because all I could focus on was my double chin, my big ol' belly and my hips that started to look like triangles (the way they were bulging out). I told my mom that I was depressed and she told me to start changing if I was unhappy with the way things were. I took her advice and I made sure this time around that I was NOT going to expect miracles in a few days. I have to check my attitude all the time because I like fast results and I know this is goin to take time and it's for life. I think that's the hardest part - accepting that this is for the long haul. I can't say anything new except baby steps and slowly incorporating changes in your life are the two best ways to move on to the new you. Also, in the time between now and the weight dropping, you can always take pride in the good days and the healthy changes you've made. Thinking of this used to make me smile - still does actually.

GOOD LUCK!!! I believe in you!!! You can do ANYTHING that you put your mind to!!!

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Old 06-27-2006, 12:56 PM   #12
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My mom passed away before I even started losing weight. I think she's right here with me cheering me on and sees everything.

I've gone through times when I felt pretty down too, about the whole battle. I just try and let myself carry on with the plan every day, if I have blips, I let them go and keep going. It's gotten me this far. Being fat doesn't make me worthless, and it doesn't make you worthless. You're the same wonderful, loving person at your current weight that you will be at your goal weight.

You know, when I look in the mirror when I'm feeling depressed and down on myself, I notice all the bulges and imperfections, extra weight. When I look in the mirror when I'm feeling good about myself, I see the huge changes in my body and how much better I look. So much for the "truth"! heh heh.

Take care.
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Old 06-27-2006, 01:36 PM   #13
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Thanks so much to all of you - for the kind support, and especially your understanding.

It's really nice when you know that you aren't alone in feeling a certain way - I felt so alone yesterday, so full of pain.....it just wouldn't go away. I still feel it today, but I think some of the shock of that "moment" has subsided a little, and I do feel more hopeful that things can change.

My grandma's health is deteriorating rapidly - the cancer has spread all throughout her body and she's no longer accepting treatment. We're all spending as much time at the hospice as possible......I think part of my problem is that I haven't been letting myself feel very much for a while, with regards to my weight, my grandma, my son's disease - it's all just so much sometimes, and I think seeing myself the way I did yesterday was like a flame to a fuse. It was kind of like an emotional overload.

I'm still feeling lost in all this - but hopeful, which is a great step in the right direction You all have given me that - hope - and I can't thank you enough. You're right....I can choose to let this experience push me deeper into the mud, or I can use it as the catalyst for big changes. I always thought I'd had that "click" moment, but wasn't completely convinced - now I realize that when a click happens, there's just no missing it! This experience and the feelings that came with it will be very hard to forget the next time I'm feeling weak and want to eat something terrible.

BTW - nothing anyone said here was offensive to me I really am so grateful to you all for taking the time to write.

Thank you.
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Old 06-27-2006, 01:53 PM   #14
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Susan...there's nothing I can say that everyone hasn't already said so...lots of hugs to you and never, ever give up. And always, always...have hope and faith.
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Old 06-27-2006, 08:41 PM   #15
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Thanks for listening. Obviously I'm still grieving. I am proud that I only had a temporary setback and I'm back on the wagon. WHen the time is right for you...START!
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