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Can't let the weight issue go...

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Old 06-20-2006, 12:40 AM   #1
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Default Can't let the weight issue go...

I don't have a clue as to where this post should go, but i think it belongs here.

I've been living with my boyfriend for 6 years (as of this upcoming Sunday) and in this time, I've had a big problem with my weight (since meeting him, i've put on about 60 lbs).

He really has a huge issue with my weight. Of course I've tried taking it off, but nothing has worked well. This is really destroying our relationship. I care for him very deeply, but guys, he can't let this weight issue go. He's having a harder time with it then I am.

I've considered leaving him. I can't take his being miserable because I don't look like "all the other girls" as he puts it. Everywhere we go, its just a constant reminder of my weight. And its summer, so now its even worse.. I work out, I work harder then he does. I try to run around and move as much as I can. And still he just burns me every chance he gets.

I do love him. And I know he loves me. We have good times, but for a while now, living has just been miserable. I don't know what to do.

I guess what I'm looking for here is some advice. Others that have gone through this as well, knowing of others who have gone through this. I'm not really looking for answers, and I know my options. Just others who have similar experiences and perhaps a "what would you do in this situation?" Or "what have others done?" (even if it is 4 people removed).

Thanks so much.

heather
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Old 06-20-2006, 12:58 AM   #2
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Have you tried talking to him about this issue? I know it can be difficult to breach without starting a huge fight. You might want to try it when you are both calm, watching tv or something nuetral. And you might want to not make it sound like you are jumping on him, though that will be tough. Something like "I'm begining to think that perhaps I'm not the best person for you to be with."

He'll probably want details at this point, which is when you bring up the weight issue. "I get the sense that you're really not comfortable with my size." It's going to be hard to not sound like you accusing him, and he might very well take it that way. But I still think it is worth trying.

If you do manage to have an honest talk with him and he says he still wants to stay together, issue an ultimatium. "Yes, I'd like to make this work as well. But I really am unhappy when you make comments about my weight, and I don't think that I can keep listening to you talk this way. I need for you to make a choice."

These are just suggestions, of course. I know nothing about you or your boyfriend. But it seems to me that trying to get the issue out in the open might be better than just storming off on day after an awful fight.
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Old 06-20-2006, 01:12 AM   #3
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So sorry Heather Is he concerned about your health or just the fact you aren't "eye candy" that he thinks would look good on his arm out in public? I don't know what to tell you except you deserve someone in your life that doesn't compare you unfavorably to other girls. I gained about 50 lbs with my last boyfriend and I would have just died if he had said one mean thing about my weight. He never did and was very supportive of my weight loss attempts.
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Old 06-20-2006, 02:32 AM   #4
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This is a tough issue. I have offically been on both sides of this coin and neither is appealing. In the past, my ex-husband would try to "modivate" me with negetive comments and CONSTANTLY trying to get me to do things he though would help me lose weight. That stuff just makes a bad situation worse and I GAINED weight. Finally, 12 months after the birth of my DS#1 I lost 60 lbs with diet and exercise and left his a$$. Now I have a wonderful husband with a weight problem. He has gained at least 50 lbs since we met nearly 4 years ago. I have never been thin. He was always very fit. I feel a big part of him has just let himself go...and it kinda hurts. Does he not care if I find him as physically attractive as I used to? It hurts me to hear co-workers or friends refer to him now as the fat guy. He just makes jokes and moves on. ( He's super funny!) In the past he was a cage fighter and a Martial arts teacher. I don't know what to say or do to help him make his way back to who he really is. For now, I have taken the responsibility of making sure the household functions in a healthy way (cooking, outdoor physical activities). Hopefully he will follow suit. He is extremely supportive of my efforts, he is a wealth of knowledge regarding fitness.
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Old 06-20-2006, 10:23 AM   #5
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I think before I opted to leave, I would sit down and talk with him to make sure he really understands how it's affecting you. How much it hurts you.
How you feel like his behavior is not supportive and how his making you feel bad about yourself makes it harder for you to lose weight.

I live with my bf and since we share lots of meals and time together, we have to talk about the exercise and weight loss a lot. Especially since he does most of the grocery shopping and cooking. I do count on him for a lot of my pep talks.

In general, I think guys tend to look at weight loss differently than women do. Guys will say "I just gotta do it," eat a can of tuna a day and exercise insanely until it's gone (my bf had a good friend that did that). That's an extreme, but I think you know what I mean.

Good luck! And remember you're a beautiful worthwhile person who deserves everything good in life!
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Old 06-20-2006, 10:43 AM   #6
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Quote:
Originally Posted by dragonwoman64
Good luck! And remember you're a beautiful worthwhile person who deserves everything good in life!

Definately have a talk with him about it. If you don't get the answer you want out of that talk and he doesn't change, then I personally would leave. You deserve to be happy. Do you really want to live with hurt feelings like this every day? There are people out there that are very supportive that aren't hurtful.

On the other hand, maybe he thinks he is helping. That can get straightened out with the talk. Be honest with him and let him know exactly how you feel and what you need from him. If you can't be honest with him then there is a bigger problem.

I am a big supporter of communication in any relationship. I do wish you the best. I hope it all turns out well.
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Old 06-20-2006, 11:27 AM   #7
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So sorry to hear that you're going through such a tough time Heather.
This can definitly be a sticky situation. I do agree with everyone else as far as talking with him.
I know for me, I have been with my husband for almost 16 years now and he has seen me at 140 and at 240 and every weight in between and while he has never made a comment about my weight I am always quick to assume that he is embarassed to be with me because of my weight. What I'm saying is for years I always made a bigger deal out of it then it was. It wasn't until I actually sat down and let him know how I was feeling that I discovered that it was more my issue than his. Talking with him was the best thing I could have ever done. He has been so supportive of my weightloss and doesn't push me to be "like other girls".

Good Luck to you and I hope everything works out.
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Old 06-20-2006, 11:31 AM   #8
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Talk to him. Even if you end up deciding to leave you will know you did your best to make it work. And if talking to him helps the situation... well, how sad it would be if you hadn't tried. This is not to say you haven't already tried to discuss this issue with him-- I'm sure you have. But does he know you've got one foot out the door now? Does he know it's gotten that difficult for you?

I don't know what your situation is in terms of a weight loss routine--I haven't been around here long enough to recognize you and to remember your past contributions. But if you do have a routine, ask him to be involved. Make clear what good involvement is and what bad involvement is, i.e., taking walks together every night after dinner is good involvement; learning to prepare healthy low cal food for each other is good involvement; remembering to pick up the staples of a low cal diet (skim milk, low fat yogurt, etc.) is good involvement. Making negative comments about your weight is bad involvement and not helpful; sabatoging your efforts by tempting you with no-no foods ("Just this once! Live a little!") is bad involvement; lecturing you, trying to problem solve for you, monitoring what you do... all bad involvement.

If you do manage to have an honest talk with him and he says he still wants to stay together, issue an ultimatium. "Yes, I'd like to make this work as well. But I really am unhappy when you make comments about my weight, and I don't think that I can keep listening to you talk this way. I need for you to make a choice."

Tealeaf's advice is right on and gets to the heart of the matter. If this is going to work it's a partnership... and in a partnership each person respects the other's no-go zones.

I wish you luck, heather... let us know how it goes, if that feels appropriate for you.
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Old 06-20-2006, 02:04 PM   #9
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I don't have any other words of wisdom for you....you've received some great advice already.

Best of luck!
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Old 06-20-2006, 04:55 PM   #10
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I'm sorry about your situation. It sounds sad. It also sounds like he's a doing a number to your self-esteem. I personally just simply couldn't be with someone who didn't accept me as I am and compared me to other people and wished I was something I wasn't. That issue always makes me wonder, "what's next?" If I lost the weight, what else could he complain about? Would I ever really be thin enough? Is this issue really a "cover" of sorts of what may be really bothering him about me? What if I lose it and gain some (or all) back later? Is he going to leave then? So on and so forth.

You have to lose weight because you want to do it for you. Few of us have successfully been able to lose and keep it off because we were trying to please our spouse, mothers, friends, etc. I think it's a hard goal to reach when you're doing it out of self-hate rather than out of caring for yourself and loving yourself enough to want to be healthy and attractive by YOUR standards. This is something I struggle with and I think I have the most supportive and accepting husband in the western hemisphere so I can't imagine how bad it must feel to have your S/O perpetuate that. I mean, I dog myself enough without listening to it from other people! Ya know?

So, talk to him. Tell him this issue he has with your weight is hurting you and not helping at all. Let him know how you want to be treated. How you deserve to be treated. This "if you were only [something or other] it would be so much better" business isn't a very loving thing to do and there are far better ways to motivate you than making you feel bad about yourself. Maybe he'll get it them. Alot of guys just communicate differently than women and are sometimes simply clueless as opposed to having ill intent. I think since you know your options, you can pretty much narrow them down after that conversation and his actions that take place afterwards.
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Old 06-20-2006, 09:59 PM   #11
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The people here have offered good advice. My brother once gave me the best advice in the world concerning an ex-husband of mine. He said "Sis, you will leave when you find that the pain of staying is worse than the pain of leaving". I thought seriously about this for 24 hrs. and left, it's the best decision of my life.
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Old 06-22-2006, 01:14 AM   #12
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Yup...personally been there done that. The last time I was losing weight I had a platonic male friend. When we actually met for the first time he told me how pretty he thought I was. At that point I was probably about 270.

Now, I knew that he had a thing for the "pretty little package" as he called it. I wasn't actually interested in him "that way", so it wasn't a problem for me, but over the course of the friendship I found that I was becoming attracted to him. I'm pretty sure it was that feeling that promted me to consider losing the weight, I didn't see it at the time, but in retrospect it's clear.(not a good thing to do)

Somewhere along the way, maybe at 200 or so he seemed to start getting interested. Up to this point he was always supportive and never showed a "dark side". A while later he did express a desire to start dating. I was floored!

When we got together everything was ok. Later he started in with the comparisons. "Oh look, see that girl, that's what you're going to look like when you lose all your weight!" or "I can't wait until you can wear a bikini!" Never mind by this time I had already lost about 100 pounds. It wasn't going to be enough for him. Even with that kind of loss, there was no way I could wear a bikini!

Well, it just kept up. Nothing was good enough, and it didn't help that I had my own issues going on. At the 120 pound mark, things just kind of blew up. I pulled away, was so tired of the criticism. He supposedly loved me, but I never felt it when who I was in the present was always a problem for him. Even if I did lose the weight, there would have been something.

Any way, the weight started coming back on. He just couldn't deal with it and niether could I. We had been living together about 2 years when we split. He moved out. That was in October. Then in January, after the holidays, he apparently realized how much he loved me and was SOOO sorry. Oh well...I had moved on.

I have since found people that can accept me just the way I am. I don't have to settle. I'm not currently in a relationship, (although I have a dear friend that would have me any way I choose to be if I were interested )

I will never again make weight a criteria for a realtionship. Just my 2 cents
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Old 06-22-2006, 11:38 AM   #13
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My first long-term relationship was for 8 yrs. We were engaged and both in school at the time. I finished nursing school at the same time he finished medical school. He is now an anesthesiologist. He was always critical of my weight and watched every bite I took. Actually he would order food for me and would only let me eat what he thought was best. While we were planning our wedding, he mentioned wanting a prenuptial. Part of what he wanted was for it to be in prenup that I would never be over 150 lbs. or not be entitled to any of "his money" if the marriage dissolved. I don't know if this is legal or not, because I left his sorry butt. We had already had a child together and he did have to pay lot's of child support. I saw him at my son's high school graduation and he now weighs at least 300 lbs. and his wife is a lot bigger than I am. Poetic Justice in my opinion. I guess she didn't sign that prenup either.
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Old 06-22-2006, 12:11 PM   #14
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Wow...and I thought I was on my way to attracting all the male buffoons within a 10 mile radius - some of you have caught some real winners!

My sad experience is minute compared to what some of these women have been through. When my ex and I were together and watching TV or something, he seemed to me to randomly say "I can lift 140 lbs, so I can't lift you." I had never brought up my weight and had never mentioned what my actual weight was (more like 175 ish) so I was surprised to say the least. I ignored it because I didn't know what to say to that but honestly, I should have said something in retrospect. My point is: If it's giving you grief, address the issue with him. If he can't give you a satisfactory answer, dump him. You'll be happier in the long run.
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Old 06-22-2006, 12:19 PM   #15
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I was definitely a bum magnet for several years. Not anymore, I have a loving and supportive DH now.
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